Young Writers Society

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really beautiful poem and I like how it radiates hope. I guess what you have tried to convey through this poem is that there is both light and dark in life. And while we embrace the light, it is also important that we accept the dark and do not hold on to it.

However the second part of this felt a little contradicting to me and I do not really get what you were trying to say. I think you could have been clearer towards the end as the message somehow got lost somewhere for me after the introduction of 'he'. Of course, this could be on me and my lack of understanding of poetry.

Overall, this was really great.

Keep writing and have a great day!

Hmmm... I have to say this is not my favorite tone for a poem - opening with a question, talking directly to the reader and yet through the rest of the poem completely ignoring them. It's like you broke down the fourth wall for no reason. So... not a fan of the question at the beginning. Actually, looking back, I'm not even sure who you're directing the question towards.

Moving on...
Very well done on the rhyming scheme, keeping it consistent with the alternating rhymes throughout - except for the last two lines. You probably did that on purpose, but if you didn't, it's something to consider.

I was a little confused as to what the message of the poem was, precisely... you say all the pain in life is worth the joy and pleasure that comes afterwards... and as an example you give us joy that slips into pain, rather than vice versa. And directly after you say "Existence becomes dull," you give another smarmy line about how wonderful life is. It's a bit backwards. To keep it consistent, in my opinion, you should at least switch it around so you're taking the example from sadness and dullness into the happiness. *shrug* whatever you choose.

You had mostly nice language, with a few lapses into awkwardness. In my opinion you should never sacrifice the beauty of the line for a rhyme. for instance "A hand to hold is worth double" doesn't make any sense - worth double what? it's just an awkward rhyme.

Also, on a side note - the definition of "wonderful" is actually "wonder full" so you're contrasting two things which mean the same thing.

Sorry if that seems harsh, I was just trying to be honest. The thing with art, though, is that it's completely subjective - all that stuff I said was completely my opinion, you can disregard it if you want.

Thanks for the read! You had some really pretty imagery in there, I liked "His voice like wind, his touch like clouds" very beautiful. Good luck!
Yours ever,
Sarahness

Wow, interesting piece, I know little about lyrical poetry I must say but there was something about this that had me spell-bound. The first few lines seemed to lead nicely into the point/ theme/ idea of the poem and I urge you to post the rest of your work for the hopeless and bemused to admire with quiet admiration.