Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Annie Arballo stood knee deep in the tossing waves, not noticing the wetness or the cold chill they brought with them, not feeling the icy wind that whipped her hair around her head and made her oversized t-shirt flutter and snap against her. She was aware only of the horrifying scene taking place less then ten feet out lake, causing the waves that slapped into her bare legs again and again. She wished it were cloudy, too dark to see the nightmare that she could not force herself to look away from, but the full moon shone down mercilessly from a clear night sky, illuminating with perfect clarity everything that she did not want to see, the nightmare that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

She would have given anything to be bigger, older, stronger, able to help her big brother fight this monster off, the way he had helped her so many times, but her small body stayed rooted in place. Even if she could have forced a response from her frozen muscles, it would have done no good. There was nothing else she could do now, except draw the monster’s attention to her and face the same terrible fate her brother was facing. There was nothing anyone could do now, even the faint sirens in the distance growing rapidly louder as they raced to help. They would be too late.

Annie did not realize she was screaming until her throat ached and all she could manage was a choked whisper of denial, did not know she was crying until she tasted the salt on her tongue. Already Mike had stopped coming up for air. The churning water slowed down as his struggles to stay alive grew weaker. Above the surface of the water, the monster Annie had not known existed bared her teeth, and the moonlight made it too easy to see the wild light in her eyes, that animalistic frenzy that lent strength to her muscles and dominated any rational thoughts. The monster's terrible excitement grew, peaked, and dimmed, as the struggles of the ten year old boy under the water grew feeble, and ultimately stopped.

This was a bad night to have a good imagination. Annie stared into the dark water, imagining she could see Mike’s body, bloated, purple lips, sinking deeper into the lake. In her mind she could see the long tendrils of weeds reaching up, pulling him down into their depths… She shuddered and looked up, locking eyes with the monster, who finally seemed to have come back to her surroundings enough to hear the now-deafening sirens, see the little girl standing almost within reach.

For a second, the monster reached out to Annie, confusions and disbelief clear in her eyes, her fingers curled into claws. Annie flinched away from her, praying the sirens would arrive before the monster could kill her, too. The monster saw Annie shrink away and dropped her hands, a spasm of pain shooting across her face. With a brief look to the east, where the flashing red and blue lights of an ambulance and two police cars were finally visible on the horizon, she turned and splashed deeper into the lake.

Annie thought she heard the monster exhale before plunging deep into the black water, making waves break against Annie’s legs again, and raising goosebumps on the already icy skin. By the time the sirens arrived, the water was as flat and calm as black glass, reflecting the peaceful moon in a starry sky. Annie’s mother did not resurface.

Yes. Like I said, I'll clarify that later, but this is just a secondary project and I really don't have the time right now. I'm just collecting input so that I'll have some ready when I finish with my current novel and restart on this one. ANd thanks for the good marks!

well first of all im confused is annies mother the monster? just asking other than that i think you did i pretty good job i liked it alot ^^

Anyone? Please I need feedback!

Okay, thanks you guys so much for all your effort. I know I'm really horrible with typos and run-on sentences; my critiquers get on my back about it all the time. I'll fix it up, but right now I'm at school, so this probably isn't the best time...

Anyways, thanks for all the input, and I'll be sure to do all those things when I rewrite.

Oh, and no trouble with the belated review. You real life is more important than my story's review.

Hey Jamie!
I'm Jordan and I'll be your critique.
I thought it was a very good beginning of a terrific story.
The only thing I thought you needed to add a better description of the monster.
Other than that, pretty good!

-- Jordan

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!!! I know this review is EXTREMELY late, but life was hectic lately I could've sworn I reviewed this too...And, I thought I was done until you reposted. So, sorry!!!

Characterization - Alright, I know this is just the preface, so I'm only gonna concentrate on your MC, Annie. She seems extremely flat, which bothers me. What exactly is she scared of? There's nothing she could do. Mmhmm...That seems like you're blatantly telling us that. Why does she feel that way? I know that I can be scared in different ways. Sometimes I'm just weak, and not brave. There's a dramatic difference in this when comparing it to just being helpless. It would be nice to see which one Annie is. Another thing is why she's not feeling guilt. At the moment, I'm not a big fan of your MC. And that's not good at all. I would like to sympathize with her a lot more than I do right now. This is mainly because she abandoned her brother, with barely a second thought. That makes me think that she's quite evil. Make her feel that guilt. Make it like she's ripping her heart out by not saving her brother. Simply put, make us sympathize with her not hate her. Ya?

Descriptions - Pretty good job here. I just felt that the descriptions were too clumped together and telling not showing. Like your first paragraph is all description then it all dies out. I think you have all the descriptions you need just...spread it out a little more. Don't tell us about her clothes there. Just describe the scenery. Then, as the waves lap by her legs, talk about how she shivers in her t-shirt. 'Cause, this way, we aren't getting a load of information, which we lose track of. Descriptions are extremely important, but how you write them are even more so. Right now, I can totally picture the scene at teh beginning. But, as the story goes on, I picture it less and less. This is because I'm getting a lot of plot. However, I'm not getting enough imagery in the middle and end. So, I lose that wondrous picture in my mind. So, just spread out the descriptions, 'kay?

Mood - Eh. This bothers me because there's too much telling and not enough showing. You say that she would've given anything to save her brother. But, this would be a lot more dramatic if you showed it. Show us the pain she's feeling over having to abandon her brother. Maybe compare the feeling to walking over broken glass. Then, show us how fear overcomes this. Maybe it was a battle between her heart (telling her to stay with her brother) and her brain (telling her to run). Show us her internal struggles. Then, tell us how she just cna't help him. This would greatly enhance the fearful mood that you develop later in the story.

Overall - nice job! I'm a big fan of horror-ish stories, so I loved this. Sorry for the extremely slow review, and thanks for using my thread darling.

Okay, I stand corrected! :*)
I'll admit now that I've never seen a lake in my entire life.

Lauren, I shall correct you.
I live right near a lake, Lake Ontario to be exact, and trust me, there is a tide, and the waves can get extremely large thought not enough to surf on or relatively as big as the waves in the ocean. Our tides come relatively seasonal, so there isn't necessarily a repeative tide. And it would not be called seaweed, but in lakes, depending on where you are, you can get plants that grow in the lake and can get quite annoying.

~Incognito

Hello! I don't think I've seen you around before, but I'm Lauren. I'll try to give as helpful an input as I can. x]
I critique as I read and then conclude at the bottom.

Annie Arballo cool name, memorable enough stood knee deep in the tossing waves, not noticing the wetness or the cold chill they brought with them,I think it starts to get a bit elongated here. Maybe another sentence? not feeling the icy wind that whipped her hair around her head and made her oversized t-shirt flutter and snap against her. All good but maybe too many adjectives--however, it isn't overkill yet! She was aware only of the horrifying scene taking place less then ten feet out lake, For impact, I'd have ended the sentence there. causing the waves that slapped into her bare legs again and again. She wished it were cloudy, and too dark to see the nightmare [s]that[/s] she could not force herself to look away from, but the full moon shone down mercilessly from a clear night sky, illuminating with perfect clarity everything that she did not want to see, the nightmare that would haunt her for the rest of her life. Last bit somewhat cliched!


She would have given anything to be bigger, older, stronger, and able to help her big brother fight this monster off comma the way he had helped her so many times, but her small body stayed rooted in place. Even if she could have forced a response from her frozen muscles, it would have done no good. Like, like, like! There was nothing else she could do now, except draw the monster’s attention to her and face the same terrible fate her brother was facing. There was nothing anyone could do now, even the sirens in the distance growing rapidly louder as they raced to help. They would be too late. This is a skillful closure, full of impact and tension


Annie did not realize she was screaming until her throat ached and all she could manage was a choked whisper of denial, blah! please stop the run-on sentences did not know she was crying until she tasted the salt on her tongue. Already Mike suddenly he has a name had stopped coming up for air. The churning water slowed down as his struggles to stay alive grew weaker. Above the surface of the water, the monster Annie had not known existed bared her teeth, and the moonlight made it too easy to see the wild light in her eyes, that animalistic frenzy that lent strength to her muscles and dominated any rational thoughts. The terrible excitement grew, peaked, and dimmed, as the struggles of the ten year old boy under the water grew feeble, and ultimately stopped.


This was a bad night to have a good imagination. Annie stared into the dark water, imagining she could see Mike’s body, dash, not comma bloated, with purple lips, sinking deeper into the lake wait a minute, I thought they were in the sea? lakes don't have waves, long tendrils of seaweed if it is a lake... I could be wrong, but do you get seaweed in lakes? Maybe you mean reeds? reaching up, pulling him down into their depths… She shuddered and looked up, locking eyes with the monster, who finally seemed to have come back to her surroundings enough to hear the now-deafening sirens, seeing the little girl standing almost within reach.


For a second, the monster reached out to Annie, confusion[s]s[/s] and disbelief clear in her eyes, her fingers curled into claws. Annie flinched away from her, praying the sirens would arrive before the monster could kill her, too. The monster saw Annie shrink away and dropped her hands, a spasm of pain shooting across her face. With a brief look to the east, where the flashing red and blue lights were finally visible on the horizon, she turned and splashed deeper into the lake.


Annie thought she heard the monster exhale before plunging deep into the black water, making waves break against Annie’s legs again, and raising Gwhy the capital letter?oosebumps on the already icy skin. By the time the sirens arrived, the water was as flat and calm as black glass, reflecting the peaceful moon in a starry sky. Annie’s mother did not resurface.

Hello there!
I am just going to take a quick gander at this story. I am interested.

I. Nit-Picking

Annie Arballo stood knee deep in the tossing waves, not noticing the wetness or the cold chill they brought with them, not feeling the icy wind that whipped her hair around her head and made her oversized t-shirt flutter and snap against her.

less then ten feet out lake,

causing the waves that slapped into her bare legs again and again.

She wished it were cloudy, too dark to see the nightmare

She wished it were cloudy, too dark to see the nightmare that she could not force herself to look away from, but the full moon shone down mercilessly from a clear night sky, illuminating with perfect clarity everything that she did not want to see, the nightmare that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

Annie did not realize she was screaming until her throat ached and all she could manage was a choked whisper of denial, did not know she was crying until she tasted the salt on her tongue.

Above the surface of the water, the monster Annie had not known existed bared her teeth,

Above the surface of the water, the monster Annie had not known existed bared her teeth, and the moonlight made it too easy to see the wild light in her eyes, that animalistic frenzy that lent strength to her muscles and dominated any rational thoughts.

that animalistic frenzy

The terrible excitement grew, peaked, and dimmed, as the struggles of the ten year old boy under the water grew feeble, and ultimately stopped.

Mike’s body,

bloated, purple lips, sinking deeper into the lake, long tendrils of seaweed reaching up, pulling him down into their depths…

who finally seemed to have come back to her surroundings enough to hear the now-deafening sirens

see the little girl standing almost within reach.

praying the sirens

exhale

and raising Goosebumps on the already icy skin.

Annie’s mother did not resurface.

Okay thanks. And I guess I should clarify on one point in the piece - the monster is her mother. I'll try and make that clearer as soon as I can, but it's late on my end and I have to get off soon, so not tonight.

I'll fix the typos right away though. There was supposed to be a comma there

Okay thanks. And I guess I should clarify on one point in the piece - the monster is her mother. I'll try and make that clearer as soon as I can, but it's late on my end and I have to get off soon, so not tonight.

I'll fix the typos right away though. There was supposed to be a comma there

Hiyas, Jamie! I'm Saphire!

This was really good. I was totally hooked and was completely scared for Annie. Oh, well... Here goes the critique!

Annie Arballo stood knee deep in the tossing waves, not noticing the wetness or the cold chill they brought with them not feeling the icy wind that whipped her hair around her head and made her oversized t-shirt flutter and snap against her.

Annie’s mother did not resurface.