Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was so beautifully written! I can totally imagine this being recorded as song and I wish you had attached a recording yourself. It would have made it so much more enjoyable if we could read the song and experience it at the same time!
The lyrics are all to the point and they create such vivid mages in front of our eyes that we face no difficulty in imagining the emotion being described here. At parts, I thought the lyrics were a little too technical and at times, I thought they were plain beautiful. Either ways, I loved the descriptive words you used - they function more as accessories that really highlight the beauty of the lines. For example,
Sunlight splitting my eyes
Pull yourself together girl
Beating torrents of slicing pain
Wrenching my body in two
Pull yourself together girl
Words like gilded serpents
Slither in and around my carcass body
This first verse contains such strong imageries that I can imagine the scenes even though the pictures they represent are a little more than disturbing. Yet, I think its the emotion behind the words that is more important here and I loved how clearly and successfully you translated the feelings into words.
Just a tiny nitpick though: I think the last line would fit better as: ''slither in and around the carcass of my body'. Its just my opinion though!
Moloch’s not be trusted
Another very tiny nitpick: I think you are missing the word 'to' here. It should be: 'Moloch’s not to be trusted'.
Overall, this was a strong, powerful and beautiful poem. Like your other reviewer said, you certainly possess the skill and talent required to become a lyricist!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Points: 82352
Reviews: 659
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