Hey Rydia!
My first thought after reading this was "wow this is beautiful". I didn't follow the story very well the first time I read it through because I was too focused on how pretty it was I think I understood the story a little better once I read it through again, parts of it are still a little fuzzy for me though.
So here are the nitpicks:
Siren 1: Dear sister - look at me - let me speak,
on matters of the heart.
I think you'll find I have some
wisdom to impart.
Siren 2: That's as may be, my sister dear,
but times have changed, the pages turned.
Please forgive me of my faults;
let the memories be burned.
I love the rhythm of Siren 2 and I can hear it in my head really well, but the rhythm of Siren 1 doesn't flow as well for me.
The syllables-per-line of stanza one go: 9, 6, 7, 5
The syllables-per-line of stanza two go: 7, 8, 7, 8
I would try and smooth out the first stanza a little more so it flows nicer. It doesn't necessarily have to follow the 7, 8, 7, 8 pattern of the second stanza but somewhat of a pattern might be good.
Siren 1: Listen for a while -
You don't know what you say,
your words are being commanded:
part of someone else's play.
....
Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution!
Love this imagery!!
We've been such fools, me and you,
I like "you and me" better. I think "me" works better with "faces" in the next line than "you".
Siren 1: Then keep him here -- with us --
And don't let him leave your lips.
be his master not his mistress -
don't go taking chances
thinking he will follow kisses;
love takes what it will,
doesn't ask who you are
or what you've been through.
I love the first five lines of this stanza but starting at "love takes what it will," the rhythm gets off for me again and I can't hear it as well in my head. I feel like there should be one more line in this stanza to fit with the rhythm.
When you're in danger or in trouble, Siren 1: I'm singing, sister dear.
they're always right beside you. Siren 1: Dear sister, right beside you.
These lines seem super long compared to what you've been doing before and I don't see how they fit in with the rhythm.
I think when Siren 1 starts singing you could start a new line.
Siren 2: Oh sister, dear, I don't sing for me.
He's in love with her
and she with him.
They should be together, writing melodies forever;
he should hold her hand
while standing right beside her
and both would understand.
The syllables-per-line go: 9, 5, 4, 14, 5, 7, 6
Love the message here but it doesn't flow well for me and I can't really hear it in my head. With the long and short lines it felt choppy to me without any real pattern.
Siren 1: Will you drown her with this fate?
Just think what love has done to you;
how quick it turns to hate.
preserve her life and happy memory -
don't set him free.
Do her a favor, without him, she'll pull through.
Again, love the first four lines, but the last two don't fit in for me, rhythm wise.
Both: We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
Siren 1: witty minds and romance traces Siren 2: Empty places not empty any more;
but now we're through. Siren 2: now we're through.
Both: He'll be the last of a long line of men,
stranded on shore on a paradise isle.
I loved how the ending re-stated what Siren 1 said earlier, only with both of them singing like they both agree now. I think it could end with the "now we're through". I like the idea of the "He'll be the last of a long line of men", but those last two lines don't fit in with the rhythmic form or rhyme scheme and sound a little odd to me at the end of the song.
Let me make sure I'm following the story correctly...
Siren 2 has fallen in love with a young man that they have captured on to their island. Siren 1 is trying to convince her or show her that she shouldn't be wasting her time on love with this guy because love is like a game and no one ever wins. Siren 2 doesn't like that idea because she's lonely and Siren 1 suggests that they just keep this guy and she (Siren 2) can serve as his master instead of his mistress. That way, she (Siren 2) can have this guy but not fall into the fickle trap of love.
I was a little confused when talk of "her" came into the story. I guessed that guy has a lover back home or something and Siren 2 has realized they belong together and he would be happiest with her so she settled for just having Siren 1. The second half of the story was a little fuzzy for me.
Overall, I really liked it. The language and imagery was beautiful and I loved the back and forth between the two Sirens. I could feel the emotional differences between the two Sirens, that the first was more cautious and un-trusting (maybe she's been hurt by love before) and that the second was a dreamer and lover.
For the most part I could hear the song in my head and it all flowed nicely. There were a couple of spots that I pointed out where the rhythm didn't work for the song I had going in my head. But with that kind of stuff, if you can hear the song really well in your head and all of the rhythmic spots work for you, then that's what matters because it's your song. Sometimes it just read odd on the page.
So good work Rydia! Let's take down those Sirens one Gargoyle at a time!
-Carly
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