One Last Breath

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really good piece. It was somber and emotional at the same time. I liked the way you constructed the images of the sea and the waves and how they complimented the tone of the story. Even the memory at Sea World seemed to reflect the very mood of the character and it was narrated in a way that completely matched the emotion of this story. It evoked a sense of apprehension in us and we knew somehow that the story wasn't going to end well.

The narration was a little constricting in the sense that I thought it left no room for the moment to expand and settle in the reader's mind. It flowed a little monotonously and as a result, even though your descriptions and imageries were very good, they failed to really strike a chord. I think here if you experiment with the lengths of the sentences and change the formatting of the paragraphs, it would create a kind of break in the monotony. Otherwise, the narration can get a little stifling and make it difficult for the readers to go on

I did think that the last paragraph was done very well. It all seemed to be heading towards the conclusion there and I loved the effect that the short sentences created in that context of the story. I could imagine the scene taking a place, but at the same time, I could also feel for this character who was leaving everything behind.

Now to make that feeling of loss even more lasting, I think it is important to include a little more background to the story. I feel you could have focused some more on the relationship between the father and son and maybe provided us with some memories. For example, why was surfing so important to Patrick? What was the connection to his son? The story could and its ending could have been much more impactful had we some real insight into the relationship between them. Otherwise, we are not very sure about what we are supposed to mourn here.

Suddenly there was a little bump arose in front of him,

there is no other way to say it the story was geinus, the only way i think you could improve it is give a little more backround information, but please don't go all out. WRITE ON!!!

i told you i would get the rest of this, so here it is:

jonathanmckinley wrote:
There was no time to think, he had to keep paddling, his arms grew tiresome. He had to go at a consistent pace or else he would get too slow and the waves would break on top of him. The second wave came and it broke ten feet away. He pushed down on the nose of his board and pressed his right foot on the back. He came up and paddled. A huge clap of thunder was so loud that it almost knocked him of his board. His arms were almost numb. He thought about James and he was afraid that he would never see him again. The third wave came. Patrick hoped that he would make it over the lip of the wave. He paddled with all of his might to get over the top. To him, it felt like climbing a mountain. The wave started to break. He paddled and paddled. The nose of his board broke over the wave, his body followed. He thought for sure the wave would suck him back over. It didn’t.

unnecessary

didnt u say this exact thing in the previous paragraph? i kind of liked the repetition because it adds to the feeling but i just wanted to let u know it stuck out

of=off

I don't really like sentences like this when you say patrick did this patrick did that as this is a dramatic piece. I think you could describe it better to make it more of a personal piece, if he feels like he's going to die make us feel it too

At last he was on the outside. The set was over. He took a break and sat on his board. He looked back at the beach. He was about one hundred yards out. He looked forward. The rain and wind were still whipping against his face. He saw something coming. It looked like a wall coming straight for him. It was his wave. He paddled closer to it then turned around and paddled to catch it. The wave was moving much faster than he was, so he went and used all of his might to ride it. At last the wave was upon him. This particular wave was much larger than the others. It was about twenty-five feet high and it was breaking to the right. The wave let him in. He took his last paddle.

all of his might sounds rather corny and it sticks out of the paragraph for that but other than that this paragraph was pretty good still a little more telling than showing

He stood up on his board and looked at the rest of the wave. Everything started to move in slow motion. He started to drop down the face of the wave. It took a lifetime to get to the bottom where he turned and got in the middle of the wave. The roar of the wave that was just right behind him was ear shattering. It was the biggest barrel he had ever seen. He kneeled down and uttered three words: "For you James." With that the barrel came up on him and he was inside. His vision of the rest of the wave got smaller and smaller, as he got deeper into the tube. It felt a little warmer inside because a thick wall of water protecting him from the wind and rain.

either change protecting to protected or a thick wall to the thick wall

Suddenly there was a little bump arose in front of him, which turned out to be a spot of where a reef poked through. He tried to go above it but he hit it straight on.

take out there was or arose

His board stayed put while he flew forward. Right before he hit the water, he closed his eyes and drew one last breath.

The water immediately froze his body and his muscles cramped. The pressure of the water on his ears was tremendous. He started to swim down in hope that the wave would pass over him but his surfboard was too buoyant and the wave took the board and Patrick was sucked along with it. He was going over the falls. He saw his board go over his head and then the wave brought him down. He hit his back straight on the reef and his leash caught under a rock. The wave passed and he could see his board float above him like a tombstone. He tried vigorously to get it unstuck. His heart beat faster. His vision started to turn black as he reached out his hand as to grasp something. There was nothing as he was done. There was no more for Patrick. He thought about James. Where would he go? Who will take care of him? He closed his eyes one last time.

good job, the muscles cramping really made it seem painful and somehow more realistic

this simile is perfect

take out as or add an if after it

well first let me say welcome to YWS! then i shall say that it will make a whole lot more people read your work if u space it out like i did below. also try breaking ur paragraphs up a little more okay so here's your crit:

my comments are bolded

jonathanmckinley wrote:One Last Breath

The wind blew hard under dark grey skies onto the face of Patrick O’Connor. His long dark brown hair wove back and forth like a flag. The rain battered his head like hammers and the sound of the thunder sent chills down his spine. The sand beneath his feet seemed like mud. He felt himself sinking through. Patrick looked up to the skies, the rain dropped on his face. The sun, nowhere to be found under the thick, black clouds that covered the sky. He thought about his four year old son James. Patrick’s wife died at childbirth leaving just the two of them. Behind him were tents with blue tops. He could see the people inside in sweatshirts and hot mugs of coffee. He licked his lips, longing for their comfort. He only tasted salt.

well first of all, i like the use of similies here but this paragraph is a huge info dump. it gets boring, you should start out with an eyecatching first paragraph and weave the info into the story, its much more interesting.

ok so for the first underline, i think that since it is the first paragraph, it needs to catch attention i think that describing the wind might help.

this similie makes me picture his hair as flat and artificial...

i think u could combine these sentences and clarify what he is sinking through

incomplete thought, switch the comma for 'was'

i think the idea of licking his lips and tasting bitterness is a good analogy but licking his lips because he longed for their comfort sounds a little creepy

Patrick was bound in a rubber suit, with a leash on his ankle attached to a surfboard; it felt more like a ball and chain. He bent over and picked it up feeling the stickiness of the wax. He bought it up under his arm, and looked forward. In front of him was a vast sea. He was watching as fifteen to twenty feet waves came crashing down on to the ocean below. It reminded him of when he took James to Sea World and they watched as the orca whales leaped out of the water and come crashing down, soaking everyone who was near the tank.

i love the analogy of the ball and chain, good job

comma between up and feeling

bought=brought, im assuming

this comma is unecessary and distracts from the flow of the sentence

instead of telling me that he was looking at the sea, describe it, paint a picture, tell dont show...

These were not orca whales; they were waves that Patrick would have to surf. He had to, for James. He started to walk towards the oceans labyrinth. He stood on the edge of the coast his toes barely touching the water. He took one last look at the beach and jumped in the water on top of his board.

this metaphor confused me, the ocean is free flowing and wild while a labyrinth is order and chunky

comma between coast and his

He didn’t want to think about the excruciating sting of the ice-cold water. He paddled: left, right, left, right. He could hear his heart beating: thump, thump, thump, thump. Shivers were sent down his spine. The first wave came and broke about twenty feet in front of him. He pushed down on the nose of his board and pressed his right foot on the back of the board. He went under water and under the wave. He could feel the pressure of the water pounding on him.

for some reason when i read this i thought it would be great to do the rythm of the paddles to the rythm of his heart u know like He paddled: left, right, left, right; the familiar rythm pounding painfully in time with his heart beat: thump, thump, thump, thum just a suggestion

sounds awkward shivers were sent? by who? maybe use this to describe the frigid water

repetition of board, maybe take out the second one?

show don't tell