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Young Writers Society



Star Crossed Prologue

by Audy


2149 Words

Liam

It all began with a flash of green light; his body was propelled into the heavens, charged with a surge of adrenaline. The kick-off was momentous. Before long, he was airborne. Just himself against the forces.

Dangerous, that was dangerous, he thought. Too much power, too soon, but if he hadn't gotten it right from the start, it would've been over.

Ninety miles northwest, now. His helmet was sending him all the feeds. For pilots, navigation was vital, but he was of a different sort. He was a boarder, born and bred. For them, it was not a matter of getting there, it was a matter of getting there first. It was a game they played. A cat and mouse game.

A glowing yellow dot pulsated along the screen of his visor. Liam grimaced; he found a mouse.

Up ahead there was a heavy cloud covering. More yellow dots began to appear. The currents were against them now, and there was a ratchet of sounds and explosions as the competitors fought to the bitter death. They'll head above it, Liam thought. He could cut across them from below. The air was always more dense directly below the clouds—the more elevation, the less the resistance. The fact was elementary. But to speed up now was the mistake of the inexperienced. The race had barely begun. Slow and steady, after all...

He allowed them to pass by. They'll soon knock each other off, and that'll leave the skies to him alone. At least, that was his hope.

A flash of light!

Liam swerved, barely avoiding the impact. He was being targeted from the front. They were well aware of his strategy. There was no choice but to hide. This was not about engaging in battle; this was all about speed. In all his years, Liam never fired a single shot—but he had his few shares of wins.

Liam loved the sensation of flying into the clouds. This one was thick and voluminous, it was like taking a swim. Before long, he was drenched with moisture, inevitably slowing down. Liam found himself clenching his teeth to keep them from shattering. His senses were more acute. Navigating through this relied all upon his instincts as a flyer. There was no visibility—barely could he see his own arm.

To those who had never flown before, forget it. There was no hope of understanding. Flying was a hundred percent instinctual, and men were not exactly naturals. It was the way the wind shifted, how it reacted with his body, the pressure in his ears, how the clouds moved, every subtle detail had to be taken in while zipping past, faster than the speed of sound. This required years of experience.

This was boarding. It wasn't about maps or compasses; Liam could care less about what took place beneath his

feet. To him, this was it. This was all there was. Skies. Freedom. Most were attracted to the glamorous lifestyle of the boarders. Fame, riches, traveling and all that. But it was a lonely life. Liam loved it. The sky alone was enough to satisfy him. It was vast enough.

Before long, he had made it through the clouds.

The next few minutes passed by easily. It was only him and the winds. Bliss.

He was losing his standings and he knew it. His visor told him eighth place—but that wasn't something to fret over. In a previous race, he was clearly in last place, before overtaking all of his opponents in a single sweep. That was his secret. To explain it to someone was fruitless; talent, balls, that was about it.

The skies were clear. Friction was his only enemy here. He accelerated, leaving behind a blazing trail of condensed vapor. He heard nothing but the rush of the wind directly in his ears; he saw nothing but those amber dots amid blue sky.

But Liam didn't worry about something so inconsequential. A sailor could tell you better than a pilot could. All that mattered was the manner and direction of the wind. If there was no wind blowing, a boarder's job was to find it. Pilots didn't need it. Boards relied solely upon it.

Right now, it was resisting him, but soon...soon the currents will change. He could feel himself getting lighter,

the water had evaporated. His uniform drying. The tiniest of changes led him all the faster. This wasn't the work of simply weight alone.

The currents were picking up...

He could see the faint outline of his opponent not far ahead of him. There was no mistaking it for a bird or a craft. The amber pulse quickened. He was getting closer.

All in all, Liam had four years experience under his belt. Most boarders had at least ten, but his youth proved somewhat an advantage. The others were getting tired. They were flying lower. This was Liam's cue to go higher. And higher. He wanted them to see his shadow.

Then he felt it, the shift in the wind... the currents were on his side now, and he rode it with ease. He was swept away, accelerating at an alarming rate, his body went rigid as an arrow, and the wind slung him through, pushing against his back. Liam had to hold onto his board with both hands, his own head resting against wobbly knees.

He saw the finish line about ten miles ahead. The numbers in his helmet flashed violently. Second, third, second, third, second, third. First place was no where in sight.

Faster!

A warning symbol flashed inside his helmet. His engines were failing. His body lurched. There it was again. The shift in the air.

He felt himself weightless. Noted the amber dots at a complete stand still. The air felt heavy. It was darker. He saw it—a rain cloud. This was dangerous! But he finally understood—

The others were caught in a vacuum somehow. This was his chance!

Faster!

He propelled forwards. There was no slowing down now. The amber dots disappeared on his screen altogether. Liam struggled to smile, his cheeks sent flapping in the air.

The glass on his visor shattered. The pieces swept away by the wind. All he heard was a noise of white static. A malfunction. There was no knowing what was happening now. He was all alone.

He went faster, ignoring the protesting of his muscles. His body was completely numb. He saw only a tunnel, the edges of his vision blurring up. His senses felt cut off. Wrong, somehow. He felt the pulsing of his heartbeat and warmth, despite the bitter cold, as if his senses were confused, his brain no longer able to function properly. It was a wonderful sensation, an ultimate high.

It hardly lasted.

Struggling to keep his own balance, Liam pushed against the pain in his knees. He was going much too fast, borderline suicidal. With the reflexes of an expert boarder, he made a quick swerve, attempting to slow himself down. His board was out of control. The wind snatched at him, right and then left, and then spiraling him about. He was no match for the upcoming storm cloud!

The winds ripped him apart, he felt blood on his cheek. Agh! He had to get out of this. He rolled sideways, tucking his arms underneath him. The currents threw him about. He noted the hairs on his arm—they lay flat. There was still time. No electricity meant the air wasn't charged up yet. He could fly straight beneath like a knife!

The others flew above. Yes!

Another shift! No! A force pummeled him down, practically a punch to the gut. It was impossible to tell his direction, aside from the tight jolt of his stomach. It was as if all time had stopped.

He stood frozen, suspended almost a thousand feet up in the air. Then time sped up again.

Liam was plummeting. His engines stopped. There was only one way to go: rocketing and spiraling towards the ground!

His body trembled involuntarily. Pain shot up through his spinal cord. The exhilaration nearly chocked him. His chest felt as if it were about to pop. He felt his heart rate escalating! His muscles were tensing, his nerves numbing, his vision fading...

Then he remembered to breathe.

His limbs felt detached from his body. He could no longer hear his own breathing; he was no longer sure if he could. He had to mentally assert himself: inhale, exhale.

He opened his eyes, fighting against the wind. Everything was an overwhelming blur. Somehow he managed to angle his body at a sharp nosedive. He did everything he could to keep his limbs from flailing. A single bead of cold sweat ran up his brow...

No, don't give up on me, now.

He had to jumpstart it. He didn't think about it, didn't weigh his options, he just let go!

The emergency activation between the board and his boots did the rest. Instinct took hold of him, he saw his board flash before him, and like a magnet, he was back onto it, righting himself once more. He had to calculate his fall—if he was too late, he'd be a splattered mess of blood and guts.

The sudden force of the board's momentum propelled him upwards, the board began to vibrate as it got closer and closer to the ground.

Control it! He clenched his jaw. Pain! So much pain.

The kickoff seemed to do the trick. Keep focus. Inwardly, he was calculating his fall. He had to know exactly where he was going. The air was no longer heavy, he felt himself lightheaded. Somehow, he was held aloft. A sigh of relief. Tree!

He swerved. Another sigh.

Before he knew it, it was over.

His head was abuzz with that familiar sense of having defied all the gravitational laws. It was the intangible feeling that was the result of flying. He skimmed across the ground, the platform only a few kilometers ahead.

He was free.

Orion! Orion! Orion! The crowd was screaming for him beneath the platform. He looked around, searching for any familiar faces, but the race had yet to be won.

The finish line was in sight. He floated gently just above all their heads. He had no idea what he placed—but given the monstrous crowd of animated people....

Liam tore straight through the large ribbon that marked the finish of yet another win. A wall of sound erupted after him, exhilarating him. He hadn't expected so many fans. He jumped off his board and got to his feet. He was their legend—the most talented racer in the City.

Woah. And then he was jelly. There was not a single working bone in his body. Contact with the ground always left him like this. It was as if the body he had left stranded up somewhere in the heavens had finally caught up with him. He felt exhausted, hardly able to keep himself from standing upright.

It didn't go unnoticed. Immediately, his sponsors came to his side, holding him up and lifting him onto a stretcher

where they carried the great Orion into the awaiting emergency vehicle.

It was common for a racer to fall faint in fatigue. It was expected. Boarding placed great physical tension on the joints of the body, not to mention the tremendous air pressure thousands of feet above the ground, and all the disorientation and loss of equilibrium that resulted afterward. That was why boarding was such a popular sport in the City. Being able to stay on a jet board was difficult enough two feet in the air, let alone hundreds of feet, but the racers were very talented individuals. Orion even more so.

“What was my time?” He mumbled.

“What! Are you kidding—”

Liam didn't hear the rest. He saw his answer before him; he was standing at the highest precipice, overlooking the screens that recorded the entire race. He was a man clothed in purple gear with the golden crest of Aster City pinned to his chest. The Emperor held his gaze, as he did so many years ago, but this time it was Liam who refused to smile.

This time, it was Liam who approached him, his body wobbling, his face refusing to reveal a shred of what was to come. One slow, agonizing step after the other. The crowd cheered him on. The Emperor waited at the top to hand the racers their reward, as he is customary to do every four years. There were no guards close at hand. No security, but the eyes of a million witnesses. What a reward it will be...

“Hey—what is he doing?”

At the bottom of Liam's board was a hidden compartment that revealed a knife. With just one shift of his hand, and a leap that knew no bounds, he held it right up to the Emperor's neck—

The crowd fell frozen, silenced. Orion's face, his knife, the Emperor—all was being played back to them on the screens...

Spoiler! :
There is surprisingly a lot of physics I needed to research just to get through this chapter. I hope it's at least somewhat believable. This is just a draft, so there's still much left unchecked.

Interestingly enough, the more you increase in acceleration - the more resistance you encounter (actually, this makes sense).

Increasing your acceleration by 2, will increase resistance by 4.

Increasing acceleration by 4, will increase resistance by 16.

This is why Liam's method of "slow and steady" actually helped him out in the long run.

Also, that line about the "drop of sweat flying up" I feel it's an important line. Liam is practically sky diving at this point hurdling towards the earth at great speeds. We're used to gravity dragging our tears/sweat downwards. But in this state, there is more than just gravity to contend to. There's also air resistance which acts against you -- it will actually push that bead of sweat upwards. Pretty bizarre, right?

The same effect is displayed when you're driving your car in a direction after a heavy rain. You will notice all these droplets of water attaching to the window, right? If you pay close attention, the droplets actually slide in the opposite direction that the car is moving.

Little details like this are A LOT of work. I still have more research to do such as the effects of lift and thrust, the effects of flying directly into a cloud.

That part about the raincloud I wrote completely independent of any research. Pure fantasy there. I can only handle so much physics at a time.

The boarders amaze me. Originally, I imagined they were cool just for being able to fly and handle all these dangerous stunts, but if you think about it, there's a lot of physics they have to know and understand in order for them to make these snap decisions.


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Sun May 26, 2013 11:00 pm
cgirl1118 wrote a review...



Hey Audy! Time for a review from...Cgirl!

First off, maybe you should look over your work again. I saw that you forgot to capitalize some things once or twice. I don't need to tell you where because I'm sure you are capable of doing it yourself.

Second, amazing details! I was able to imagine every little thing in my head. It was actually like a movie playing in my head.

Third, it is always good to search up things in your writing. It makes it more believable and it won't make the reader feel that you were lazy and just wrote stuff without making sure it was true.

Fourth, at the ending when you mentioned the knife I was like, oh no! It was so surprising, which is good because you ended it with that. Cliffhangers like those make the reader want to read more.

Can't wait to read next chapter!




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Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:29 pm
the morrow wrote a review...



He felt himself involuntarily tremble


An odd sentence to begin with. This sentence structure usually incorporates an adjective instead of a verb (tremble). Somehow, there are two verbs (felt and tremble) for the same subject without a conjunction, and "tremble" may be the wrong tense--it may be "trembling." In conclusion, I think this sentence is grammatically incorrect; I just don't know how, specifically, it is grammatically incorrect.

He felt himself involuntarily tremble, an upsetting jolt shot up his stomach and the excitement nearly choked him.


You need to split this into two sentences.

He couldn't see where he was going; everything was just an overwhelming blur.
Good use of a semicolon.

And he couldn't do anything about it, but continue to fall from the deathly height, a feat no sane person would ever attempt.


The comma preceding "but" is grammatically incorrect; your subject does not change between the verbs "could" and "continue." I also recommend a dash following height in place of the comma, so it reads more naturally.

A single bead of cold sweat ran up his brow...


Surprisingly good use of an ellipses.

His eyes filled with tears as he resisted the urge to shut his eyes.


This sentence has an odd, distracting fluency. It's just odd to say "His eyes did this as he did this to his eyes."

Inwardly, he was calculating his fall...he had to know exactly where he was going--otherwise who knew where he'd end up.


The ellipses here contributes nothing, and if anything, detracts from the flow.

he had to know exactly where he was going--otherwise who knew where he'd end up.


This must end in a question mark.

and he wouldn't be the first one at that.


I'm not sure what this means contextually. You may want to extrapolate.

And now, the feather began to transform... It drew the form of a strong and elegant hawk.


Stop overusing ellipses! :x

He was free.


Good sentence variety.

got to his feet.


Avoid "got."

In fact it was almost expected.


"In fact" should be followed by a comma (though it's not necessary, it helps the flow), though I suggest removing "in fact" altogether.

The last thing he felt, before losing consciousness, was a sharp sudden pain in his right thigh and then he heard a sudden desperate shriek…


See last comment regarding ellipses. :x

Overall, it has a good pacing, though the beginning is a little slow and doesn't do much to hook the reader, as it is mostly descriptions. I like how you gradually reveal more information about the situation--very nicely done on that part, and there are a lot of surprises.




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Sat Jan 05, 2008 4:58 am
~Volant~ wrote a review...



Nice! I enjoyed this very much! good job!

One thing I really, really like about it is that it's realistic. It's hard to make something that doesn't exist and that is pure ficiton believable, and you wouldn't believe how many science fiction and fantasy stories and books out in the world that downright suck because they're totally unbelievable. Well done on that aspect, mate.

It was also very intense. As soon as I realized Orion was falling, and then he pulls out of it...it was relieving to see that he didn't become a human pancake. lol!

It moved by a little fast, though. My suggestion is that you start at the begining of the race. starting at the fall and then seing him ride on to victory was sort of an anticlimax. I think you need more time to build up the tension and the suspense, so that your readers gasp when he start to fall.

But really, an excellent job, mate. please tell me when you post the next chapter!




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Sat Jan 05, 2008 4:44 am
Squall wrote a review...



Hey there Audy,

I won't do a line to line, as I don't think you need one.

Firstly, I think you had too many descriptions. It's nice that you have descripitions and imagery, but too much just makes the reader's mind implode. Also, you don't really explain as to what is happening, making some of the descriptions seem irrelevant and simply "just there".

There doesn't seem to be a sense of external conflict in this chapter. The conflict seems to happen at the end, and it is rather vague. I think this would work better as a prologue rather than a chapter, as there isn't much elaboration on the conflict that is associated here.

Lastly, the main character isn't that well defined. You don't really characterize your MC that much. Work your character with what is happening and link it with your descriptions. Right now, I don't really have a sense about your character.

Hope this critique helped.




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Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:30 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, Audy! Let’s see what you have here…I usually read while I crit. Sometimes I’ll comment on something, but later on I’ll find the answer and say so. Lol, it’s quite an adventure reading my crits. Bear with me. ^_^

He felt himself involuntarily tremble, an upsetting jolt shot up his stomach and the excitement nearly choked him.


Replace the comma with a period and make it two sentences. ^_^

Then he remembered to breathe.


Make this more dramatic. His chest began to hurt, reminding him to breathe. Something better could be written, but your sentence just simply states the fact. Have the reader stop breathing too, if you know what I mean. (don’t suffocate them!) Make the reader feel it.

It was as if all time had stopped, as he stood frozen, suspended almost one hundred feet in the air.


Delete first comma.

He had tasted victory that very second, and a wave of confidence surged through his body as the adrenaline pumped through his veins.


I’d get rid of the comma since you’re not listing anything, it’s just joining sentences.

Then, time sped up again.


Delete comma.

His limbs felt as if they were detached from his body and he could no longer hear his own breathing --drowned by the monstrous winds that threatened to shred him apart.


Replace the hyphen with a comma.

[s]And[/s] he couldn't do anything about it, but continue to fall from the deathly height, a feat no sane person would ever attempt.


Delete the first comma.

A single bead of cold sweat ran up his brow...


Ran up his brow? I thought sweat drips downward. =/

A timer seemed to go off in his head and the next few seconds he counted down in his head --one miscalculation and he was a human pancake, and he wouldn't be the first one at that.

I’d replace the hyphen with a semicolon or a period.

He saw a glimpse of the ground not far below him now, and with a very fluid motion he jump-started the engine of his board.


Delete the comma. Rewrite the last part. The hyphen doesn’t belong. …with a very fluid motion, he started the engine of his board. Add that comma too. ^_^

You were a bit clunky in the beginning, but you made it up at the end. Very good job there. I agree with koko, though. We need a little more suspense in the beginning. Using that hyphen can easily do the trick, but it must be used correctly. You have to think of all punctuation before going with the hyphen. Does the hyphen work better than the semi? The comma? The period? What will be more effective and grammatically correct in that case. The hyphen can be used more for suspense.

The girl gasped as a large dark figure glided toward her and her eyes widened when a hand reached out for her—it was decaying. She could see its skeleton, hardly any flesh was left.

Lol, it’s hard to make up sentences on the spot. Here’s a semi:

She was seats away from her best friend; there was no way they could talk.

You have to think about your sentence before typing it. Is it okay to be too short? A period can also bring suspense—depends on your style. However, I suggest to think if the comma would work first. It’s a good friend, the comma. You can use it as much as you want to. ^_^ If comma doesn’t work, try a period. If the two sentences you’re joining are related, you can even try a semi. If none of those quite work, the hyphen is always available.

Your description was pretty good. A little more suspense wouldn’t hurt. It’s not always the long sentences that make the story not suspenseful. (Can that make any less sense? XD) It’s the punctuation that can make a difference, as well as the sentence structure and the adjectives.

I must be going. School starts soon. *groan* I hope my critique helped.

Keep writing! :D

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Sat Dec 08, 2007 3:47 am
kokobeans wrote a review...



I really like this. It's a very gripping story and caught my attention straight away.

There are a few cliches that could be taken out. There's also a basic rule of 'say it once, say it right'.
For example: 'He no longer could feel his limbs; it was as if they were unattached to his body'. This could be shortened to simply 'His limbs where numb; as if unnattached to his body'.
The key with this kind of writing is to keep it tense, where long sentences slow the pace.

I'd also suggest breaking up the beginning into more, shorter paragraphs. Those huge chunks are kind of daunting.

A fantastic start though. Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read chapter two.





"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
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