Published November 11, 2007
Befor death (She):
“Do you love me?” He asks for the hundredth time.
“Why wouldn’t I honey?” I answer, and again I hide the true answer with a shifting of words. But I don’t feel guilty, I’m getting used to it by now. I don’t want to lie, and well I truly don’t. And I can hear it in his voice although he doesn’t say anything about it; I can hear him understanding the truth.
“So how was school?” He says while trying to make a decent conversation for once.
“What is that song you’re listening to? You know I hate it. Don’t be such a jerk!” I declare, while flushing his attempts down the drain. “Can you just not listen to that while you’re talking to me?” I say and hang up like usual.
The phone rings again and again but I don’t even bother to look at the number, I just turn up my music and lay on my bed thinking about the past, the past that I want to repeat so bad. And I open my book and start reading while I’m bleeding to my death, and I start to fall asleep…
After death (he):
“Did you love her more than you love me?” She asks for the hundredth time.
“She is my past, you know that babe.” I answer…
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Canary word: Present
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140,277 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Well, this was certainly an intriguing but tragic story. I was a little confused at first by the 'before death' and 'after death' demarcations, but I understood better on my second read. I agree with the other reviewers - you do need to make it a little clearer so that it is easier to follow the narration. Now lets get on with the review!
I think the first very clear opinion I had about this story is that I absolutely hate the female main character. I don't think we were ever supposed to love her though; this is just a story of what happens when you refuse to move on. Here we have two individuals who go through the same kind of loss but choose different paths. The female protagonist chooses to hold on and refuses to let go of the past, thereby ruining the relationship in her present.
I think it still would have been okay if she had been mourning the past instead of ruining someone else's present. If she was so sad and nostalgic then there was no need to drag another person into it. It seemed to me like she wasn't even into the relationship and it was just some kind of a distraction for her. I hated the way she mistreated the guy and I just did not like her overall self-centered attitude. Its really hard to garner sympathy for a character like that and unless you wanted us to dislike her, I think you missed the emotional love story you were hoping to present here. The only person I feel sorry for is the guy and I truly believe he is the only one who deserves our sympathy.
Since, the guy is asking a question here, the 'says' will become 'asks': “So how was school?” he 'asks' while trying to make a decent conversation for once." Also, I am a little confused by the narrator's use of the expression 'for once'. Does that mean that they did not usually share any meaningful conversations with each other? Or was the narrator too involved in herself to actually when her boyfriend tried to initiate them? Either ways, the disfunction in their relationship is very clear in this part and the one following it.
Now this part made me really sad as we can see that the guy was in fact very committed to the girl who was probably never into him. Still, we can see that he is definitely the better person here as even though he loved her like she lover her past, he knows how to move on like a mature functional adult. He holds on to her in a way that is healthy and even though he misses her, he does not let that get in the way of his relationship with someone else. Also, he is more open and honest than she ever was.
Overall, this was a good story. I feel it can be better if you expand on it, perhaps include more instances to show the differences in these characters. Otherwise, it all happens so fast that we do not know what to feel about the changing circumstances. For example, I thought the suicide came out of nowhere. There was nothing in the story that suggested such a tendency in the girl and it was a bit sudden an abrupt in the way it came about. It does not make much sense in the way it was placed in the story.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Lo Niki. ^_^
This story is really broken by the fact that I have zero sympathy for the female narrator. She comes off as self centered, mean and deceitful. Her suicide also doesn't make any sense in the context of the story as she doesn't display any depression prior to killing herself.
I also can't help thinking that you want the male character to come off as looking bad, cold and emotionless; a user of women if you like. In actuality, he comes off as honest and loving, and the ending only shows his maturity and ability to move on with life (something the female character lacked).
Unlike the other reviewers, I didn't really have any problem understanding the story, although I can't help but feel that the second part (after death) would be better written in the third person. The first person doesn't really add anything to it.
-- Sureal
What? Where did the song come into play????? *Confused*
There are two types of confusing; 1] Dramatic effect, so the reader remembers that point later on, and use that knowledge to clear up the whole thing. But that is almost only in mystery novels. 2] Just plain bad confusing.
You had #2. More description, and less rush in the mood of the story.
Great idea, I loved it other wise!
Cat!
well...hmmm...I'm a sucker for a good romance story. This is what i have to say. I enjoyed the theme of it and there is some emtion to it, but its too short you rushed! But if there is going to be more of it then I'll be back!
poke!
Hmmm. This was too short for a reader to get much out of it and you need more description. For example, I'm unsure as to the gender of your persona. At first I thought it was a girl but now I'm not so sure. You do have some really interesting dialogue on the other hand and I think this could be really good if you put a little more work into it and expanded it. Here's a few minor corrections -
“Why wouldn’t I honey?” I answer, and again I hide the true with [s]answer with[/s] a shifting of words.
“So how was school?” He says while trying to make a [s]dissent[/s] decent conversation for once.
Other than that, see if you can make it a bit clearer, add more imagery, expand it and let me know if you make any changes and I'll gladly take another look.