Published September 7, 2007
It is quite short because, I'm just throwing around some ideas, trying to get a taste of what readers like.
Tell me what this makes you think of, also; exp. happy, confused, mysterious, what?
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Eerie silence. So much as an insects step is heard. The hunting grounds, stumbling around in the overwhelming dark; it's enough to break a soul. But it would be hard to break a soul that doesn't even exist.
Ah, there it is. Crouch low, like a tiger ready to pounce. Wait, listen... pounce. The blood, so sweet. The taste, unable to forget. The satisfaction, unbearable.
Competition. Fight. Love. Kill. So different, yet, all the same in some web of lies. Everything is connected, in a tangled web of lies. Like Romeo and Juliet; different on the outside, but inside, in their knotted, unbreakable web, so tied together, so torn apart.
But to listen to instinct? Would be absurd. But not to? Even worse. Is it debatable to ignore one's natural path? One's sanity? One's love? Unthinkable.
Who would differ from love? Tear themselves away? The ones with no souls, that's who. The ones like us. The ones like them. Who's to say that they have no soul? What requirements do they meet? Eternity? Insanity? The hunger, thirst, lust? Of course not. Never. That would be... unthinkable.
What makes the seas part? The lilacs shiver in fear? The hearts, melt like ice? If anything were to make that, it would be purely unthinkalbe. Simply and utterly, unthinkable.
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140,277 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I was not really sure what this part had to do with anything. From what I understood of the text, this does not have any direct relation to any other topic you brought up except for the one in the very next paragraph. It felt a little unnecessary and I am not sure exactly what it adds in the larger context of this piece.
So this was a rather deep piece and I loved how easily you pulled us into the story. You have raised some deep and serious questions that require inner reflections. You have asked us to question and wonder through your narration. By raising examples and drawing contradictions, you have made us think. I really like stories that give us room for introspection and interpretation and I loved how your story did exactly that through its own unique voice.
However, there are some things that you need to keep in mind. For example, try to avoid inclusing so many short questions. They are mostly incomplete sentences and they don't work well with the story.
Also, try to tone down your narration a little. Most of the time, it felt like you were demanding us to think and question and you don't want your readers to feel that way. So try softening the nature of your questions a little. You can suggest the readers to question themselves, bit you can't tell them to do that. It does not work like that.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hmmmm it reminds me of....The night and very light colors.
Well, yeah...I really like stories that make the reader think. Do you know what I mean? I like those things at the beginning of the book that make me feel like I'm in a surreal place. You totally got me interested. I really like these kinds of beginnings. To tell you the truth, I wrote a beginning much like yours, but I stopped writing because people thought it was confusing.
Anyways, at least I know that one person out there has the same taste (I'm not sure if this is the right word) as me. Way to go and keep writing.
Cheers!
This is pretty good for a start and for collecting your ideas, but it could use some polishing.
Do you mean "Not so much as an insect's step is heard"?
There are perhaps too many incomplete sentences to make for easy reading. It sounds kind of jolting--try rearranging things to make it sound clearer.
I love the imagery here, but I think it would sound better if the phrases were part of sentences rather than questions. It may just be me, but I find it irritating to read questions in a story. It is more engaging for the reader if they ask their own questions based on the action in the story.
Add more about the character--I didn't get much of a sense of any particular personality here.
Keep it up!