Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Airplanes: War airplanes soaring through the air and jets sonic booming. People ran though the streets screaming and frightened shouts. A young girl, age five, is standing in the front door. Clutching her favorite homemade doll in her right hand and biting the other. People were carrying crying children and fleeing for their lives. The guns of the enemies seized.
Well this is quite the chaotic start here. Although there is an odd sense of calm about this piece too. I think to some extent that stems from how while this is describing a chaotic scene there's a sort of emotional neutrality here that makes this a bit more powerful of a piece and really draws attention to this start here.
Quiet. It was like an emotion never felt; a talent unexpressed. The girls’ parents joined her at the door to see the events. On the young girls face, a weak smile grew and she recklessly ran into the streets. The guns sounded. The girl screamed. A young boy, who was about age ten, saw the girl and ran to her. Picked her up and raced her back to her family and joined them in their basement. They huddled in the darkest corner of their basement waiting, hoping, for the noise to end. The girl looked at the boy, whose face was covered by a shadow, and he looked at her. The basement was dark and the family huddled in the darkest corner with the enemy’s guns blasting loud noises. Then it happened.
OKay well this is an interesting moment there. I like how it seems you're going to try and focus on this one somewhat singular person and their sort of arc in the midst of this chaos as to general chaos. It gives things a nice grounding point and makes it a stronger piece overall as a result.
The bomb dropped from the carrier plane and landed in the middle of the street a couple miles away. Her mom peered out of the window and the rushed back to her family. They all squeezed each another and the girl buried her face in the boy's arm. With a strong blast the sound of a million stampeding elephants with millions of screams, the towns lit up, in fire and smoke! The girl opened her eyes and was deceived. Half of her basement was blown apart, but at least she and her family, and the boy were all well and safe with her in the darkest corner of her basement.
Well given how things started I was expecting things to go a bit more wrong there but it seems this particular landing worked out well enough for these people and its not going to end in too much sorrow, although well there is of course one more paragraph to go. A nice bit of tension built up at any rate.
Many days after the bomb struck the girl was allowed outside, as long as she stayed near her house, and was with the boy. They were told the best hiding places, incase they couldn't make it home. One day the boy and girl were frolicking in the valley when all of a sudden the boy picked up a daisy and handed it to the girl. She sniffed it. It smelled so peaceful and was very lovely. She loved the smell and she loved the boy. She gave him a hug and then they went home.
OKay well a lot more peaceful of an ending than what we had there. I'm not certain if this is maybe hiding a deeper story of this rather simple depiction of a bit of a battle is what you were going for but on the whole, it comes together to be a decent piece I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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