Published June 17, 2007
Johnny Walker is rough, yet so smooth. A student who does negative things, but has good intentions. Judge him wrongly, judge him fairly. Believe what your eyes see and what your mind tells you. Or not.
Why not give him a chance? Look past all the grime and the scraggly facial hair. Is Johnny really wasting his life away as the people have been led to believe? During some lunch hours, he hangs out with shady looking youth underneath the stairwell.
His looks and way of dress are at his disadvantages as no grocery or appliance store will hire him. So, he he supplies marijuana & methamphetamines to kids who rely on it to get them through the day. Johnny's not a user or a drug abuser as everyone seems to believe. He's never touched the stuff, but no one ever learns.
The people are on the outside looking in, they simply don't understand what he's truly about. He is a survivor.
When he arrives home to his camper van, and sees his parents sitting in their broken chairs and sees his parents wearing their tattered clothing, just as he is, he breathes a sigh of relief. Knowing that he is finally in the company of people who understand. He gives his mother a kiss on the cheek and his father a handshake.
As he reaches into his pocket he tells them everything is going to be alright. When he places the crumpled bills into their soft and forgiving hands, they begin to cry quietly and thank him.
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140,277 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This story felt more like a character sketch of this boy who is many things to many people. We do not really explore the very aspects of what makes him the person he is, but we receive a quiet kind of clarification of what he does and why he does it. It conveys a really simple message to the world though - we should stop judging people without learning the whole story first.
I liked the faraway voice of narration. It felt like while the rest of the world was busy making judgements about Johnny, this single voice recognized him for the predicament he was stuck in. They saw beneath the surface of what Johnny appeared as and what he tried to appear as, and saw him for who he really was.
I also liked the fact that the narrator does not really condemn any party. They do not blame Johnny for his actions and they do not blame the world for their judgements. They simply tell us to open our eyes and really see the whole story before making harsh statements that physically and emotionally affect another person. It is more of a plea than anything else.
The story was rather simple trying to convey a simple message, but I found some of the sentences to be a bit problematic. Other reviewers have already pointed out the repetition in the last paragraph, but this is also another example. There is nothing significantly wrong with this sentence, except it could have been phrased a little better. For example, instead of using 'looks' and 'way of dress' (I am fairly certain that the last expression does not exist), you could change the sentence into:
"His physical attributes and way of dressing are at his disadvantage as no grocery or appliance store will hire him."
I don't think it is ever mentioned why his parents cannot earn and depend on their son on such a daily basis. As it forms an integral part of his character, and has resulted in his current condition, I think you should have provided some kind of a backstory here so that the readers can understand better and genuinely empathize with the character. Otherwise, we do not really know how to feel about his predicament if we don't know what it is in the first place.
Overall, this was a good story. I just found it a little lacking at points due to the lack of background. I think if you reread this and make a few edits and changes, it will hold up even better as a short story.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Everyone before me has pointed out most of the mistakes. The only thing I could find, was that the first sentence didn't really pull me in. The rest kept my attention, but usually, after reading that first sentence, I would have stopped.
This was really well done. Be sure to PM me if you add more or if you edit this at all.
~JFW1415
Claudette picked up on the repetition and typo and other than that, I thought it was a good piece of writing. I liked the change in perspective and the fact that it was someone other than Johnny telling the story. First person wouldn't have worked for this piece and I'm glad you realised that. Basically, it was interesting and thought provoking so well done.
"During some lunch hours, he hangs out with shady looking youth underneath the stairwell."
This is the only sentence that didn't seem to fit (in my opinion at least.) I like the sentence all right (it adds to the description of Johnny), but i don't like the location. Maybe rearrange it?
Other than that, i really liked it though. It gave me a perspective that i had never considered before. It definitely makes the reader think and reconsider their views, which in my opinion, is a good thing.
=)
The part in red is annoying, because it repeats the same thing. It would sound better just to use, "They" or nothing at all the second time. Your voice is real poetic, but the repetition doesn't work. The underlined sentence is a fragment [that doesn't work. Fragments can sometimes be OK in writing, obviously, but this one doesn't work.] You can attach it to the previous sentence with a semi colon, or make it, "He knows..."
This was sweet. It had meaning to it, and your voice and writing are beautiful. I enjoyed reading it. I don't know whether to complain, or suck it up because it is well written. But in any case, I'll critique it and complain =D
Though it was beautiful, it had no "plot". And sure, it is flash fiction, but it's boring without the plot. It just seems like description. If you cut the last few paragraphs, this could be description of a character in a novel, and not a flash fiction piece. There was no action, no conflict. Just that character. Although, people judging him wrongly could be seen as conflict, but it isn't enough.
Of course, I don't think you should change it, because I don't know how you would. Then again, there is a lot of telling, and if instead you wrote this story with the end scene in mind, actually writing the scene out and adding all the thoughts into it, it would work nicely.
But even with those problems, I like it as is. It "works". So, I'll leave it up to you..
I really enjoy your voice, I hope to read more from you!