Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Chapter 1- The Convictor
"BREAKING NEWS." The hover screen blared. "A new hero is on the rise, with never seen before powers. No name has been given but it is said he can 'zap' into the minds of supervillains and bring them to justice." Wait, what? Zaylee couldn't believe her eyes as she looked at the figure on the buzzing screen. This new hero looked tall and fully hidden by a sleek black bodysuit. "Some say this could be the hero to take down the Convictor. And end his reign of terror." Pffft, as if anyone could take down Zaylee, she was notorious for slipping out hopeful heroes' grasps, although it pissed her off a little at being immediately figured as a man.
Zaylee got up and the hover screen turned off with a snap of her fingers. "Midgel, get me a coffee." She called to her assistant, more of a sidekick, a boy who was the only to know her true identity and was indebted to Zaylee for it. They got along well enough, mostly just miniscule commands or sending him out for intel. He was good at being inconspicuous about working for her. Zaylee watched as he left, tying her hair up into a tight bun, and walking out onto her balcony where there was a clear view of Tridis (or Tri-District City). The three districts being: Heroes, Villains and Civilians.
It was the only city known for multiple heroes and villains, even having academies for them, a constant battle between good and bad with the civilians being a neutral force stopping everything from descending into chaos. Of course there were still good and bad civilians, with crimes such as theft and so forth, without them becoming classed as heroes or villains. Unfortunately for Zaylee, being a woman, it would have been unheard of to become a supervillain. Thus, the entire city assumed she was male, luckily it meant keeping her identity was a whole lot easier when they were looking for a man to bring down.
This new hero however seemed to be shooting up in the ranks, but Zaylee never let herself be doubted, this was a new hobby for her. Who knew, if she took this one down, Zaylee might surpass her father and become the best supervillain ever. Then, Zaylee would show her identity and prove the damn city wrong about a woman being so dangerous. Midgel arrived back and brought her thoughts to a stop, taking a sip and humming. "Adequate, better not have tried to poison me." It was a running joke but she was confident Midgel wouldn't try to kill her. Like she said, they got along well, better than other supervillains (with occasional heroes) and their 'lessers'.
Midgel joined her side as Zaylee continued to drink the coffee, being able to since the great invention that allowed mouths to withstand hot or cold food and drink better. The heat was still there but it never hurt like some people could recall from the Old Times. Zaylee had asked around and apparently the Tridis City was built on the remains of a small 'English' town called 'Scunthorpe'. It sounded stupid if you asked Zaylee. "Have you gathered any intel on this new 'hero', Midgel?" Zaylee asked and looked at the boy, only a year younger than her at 16.
"No...not yet, after all the news only aired an hour ago, Zay."
"Zaylee, and I know that, but you can't tell me this hero popped up overnight and became famous without anyone knowing."
“It… It appears he did, though, Zaylee.” Midgel replied, slightly sheepish, tapping his fingers together. Zaylee didn't like that because it took at least a year for new heroes and villains to even be on the radar, not a single night.
“Well, just keep an eye on the news and listen to the locals.” She wouldn't worry because no one had ever come close to killing her before. Unless anyone remembered her first superhero encounter, when she'd been fresh out of The Academy.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello Olivestars992!
This looks like the beginning of a promising story. You’ve set quite the scene already - Zaylee’s way of thinking definitely has me fascinated and you’ve got the part where “every villain has a sidekick” really on point. Even though I (as the pov of a reader) do not know a lot about Midgel yet, I can say he has potential to become a memorable side character.
While reading this story I got the Grinch, Despicable Me and Megamind vibes. I don’t know if you know the movies, but they’re definitely worth the watch. All three stories are told from the pov of the villain who in the end, end up becoming the good guy.
I’m not sure if you were going for that vibe, but that’s definitely what I’m sensing that’s going to happen/happening to Zaylee. I have to say, nice name you’ve chosen for her too XD
To Improve
Please keep in mind that the following suggestions are just to help you improve and not to offend you in any way.
Firstly, I have to agree with Atticus that adding paragraph breaks would make some parts of your story flow better, especially the beginning.
Secondly, I know that while reading a book dialogues are glued together, but I think if you separate your dialogues every time someone talks it will be easy-readable and much clearer. I know you don’t have a lot of dialogues in the part yet, so it's no big deal, but it’s nice to keep in mind for the future.
You already did it in the end and I think it makes quite the difference:
One more thing I have to agree with Atticus on is adding more descriptions to the background and setting.
Lastly, I noticed that you placed this piece as Chapter 1 of your Novel, however I believe that this piece would serve as an amazing prologue. It’s not too long and sets a great intro to what I believe are to be your main characters (Zaylee & Midgel), your setting and the “new threat”, the new hero.” Think about it.
The End,
Overall, you have written a great introduction to your novel. I love your characters, their ages are very interesting and I’m looking forward to reading what your plan is for this
Zayleenovel. You have nice dialogues and the title is certainly also eye-catching though I still have to figure out what it means. As I said before I think this piece would make an amazing prologue, but remember these are just my thoughts, if you don’t agree that’s totally fine. ^^Have a nice day/night!
Cheers,
Nadya
Hey there olivestars! Atticus here with a review for you.
Right off the bat, I'm intrigued by the premise of the world. A city with three classes (superheroes, villains, and civilians) is unique and intriguing. Civilians are usually not mentioned in the hierarchy when superheroes and supervillains are involved. It makes me curious to see how civilians might impact this narrative, and how that may separate this story from the traditional superhero story that can be found all across popular culture. I also enjoyed the introduction to the main characters and feel like I got an adequate glimpse at their personalities and the relationship between Zaylee and Midgel, which is crucial to establish in the first chapter.
The first suggestion I would have to you would be around the formatting. Your paragraphs tend to be longer than I would structure them if I were writing this story. There are times when it feels like there are natural breaks in the narration that would warrant a paragraph break. This helps the flow of the story feel more natural, and it supports the flow and pacing of your story by maintaining a fast pace. Take for example, the first paragraph:
I would separate it out like so:
This makes the paragraph easier to follow, as it's more clear who's speaking, and who's reacting.
Secondly, I would love to see some more description about the surroundings and the area where this story takes place. It's something known as "White Room Syndrome", where it can seem to the reader that the story is taking place in a white room, as there's no description about the surroundings to indicate otherwise. I can't picture where Zaylee and Midgel are - an apartment? Condo? House? Describing this gives insight to their financial situation, their personalities (via their decorating style), their relationship (whether they live together or separately), and so forth. Besides this, the story feels somewhat fast-paced as is; some description will slow it down, immerse the reader, and shed some light on the characters in a more indirect way.
I think that's all I have for you today! I enjoyed this story and am curious to see where it goes. I like the premise of a three-district city containing three classes of people, with academies for each, as well as an underestimated female main character, who is somewhat of an anti-hero as she's a supervillain rather than a hero. Great work on the world-building and creativity here, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future! Feel free to reach out with any questions.
Best,
Atticus