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12+ Violence

Can you be to free or to caged?

by jaii


Two birds gaze at the other with pity


The free bird flies through the opposing winds

The free bird settles on the clouds as if they are meant for them

The free bird continue to where they must and never look back to where they have been


The caged bird hides itself in its self-made prison

The caged-bird pecks itself while starving behind the anxiety filled bars

The caged bird hums itself a song of eternal isolation


Shot.

The free bird descends its heaven(like a fallen angel from its sanctuary) to the hellscape ground.

The free bird searches for shelter as it turns to the unwavering cage


Drop.

The caged bird gasp in hunger as it cradles the cold floor of its hand crafted grave 

The caged bird grovels towards the boundless sky


Two birds gaze at the other with envy


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Tue Jun 11, 2024 2:42 pm
AnotherCrowInRow wrote a review...



I'm glad that I managed to come across this poem - I didn't even have to look for long and I'm glad that I don't have to write the first review of the day in the Green Room on a ten thousand word work... but whatever, I'm just glad that it's still here some poetry that I can relate to.
Okay, so, I really like the contrast that the poem shows us in the first part. Here we see the very scenery of freedom, independence and no need to look at the consequences. And a moment later there is the second bird, locked in a cage of its own thoughts and self-doubt, which struggles with anxiety at the bottom of the cage.
But the tables turn in the second half of the poem, where the free bird falls to the ground.
Um, I would like to add that poetry is not my specialty for reviewing - recently I write reviews on it more often precisely because I want to get better at it. I know that I wrote here mainly my interpretation of the poem and not actual feedback, so now I will try (even with my still poor knowledge of poetry from the poet's point of view) to give you some suggestions for improvement, hmm.
Okay, so I noticed your earlier comment about still struggling with formatting poems. Maybe you could try asking for help on a forum, or check out a poetry writing club - the benefit of YWS is the community, so take advantage of it! Surely there will be someone who can advise you better than me. In the "Clubs" part of menu are a lot of clubs and I know about at least five who talk about poetry, so maybe try to give it a try? :)
Have a nice day/night/whatever!

P.S. I kno is a bit late, but I saw taht you are one of newer people here. Welcome in YWS!




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39 Reviews

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Reviews: 39

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Tue Jun 11, 2024 3:33 am
KaeRae88 wrote a review...



Hey, Kaerae here! *gasp* I literally just opened the green room, and this was just posted a minute ago. I am very glad that it was because I was just thinking about birds...😭
Alright, lets jump right into the review~
beginning:

Two birds gaze at the other with pity


The free bird flies through the opposing winds

The free bird settles on the clouds as if they are meant for them

The free bird continue(s) to where they must and never look back to where they have been


The caged bird hides itself in its self-made prison

The caged-bird pecks itself while starving behind the anxiety filled bars

The caged bird hums itself a song of eternal isolation

Ohhhhh~ We got the starting of a conflict I see. This stanza looks like it is describing the 'free bird'. The open spaces, the free air, the clouds... everything about this literally screams freedom~ It is a cute way to start off a poem. I love the imagery, by the way. It gives us a perfect picture of what is happening.
However, the next stanza sets up the main conflict. They pity each other for what they think the other does/doesn't have. I can't help but think these birds are actually representations of people, in a way.

Ending:
Shot.

The free bird descends its heaven (like a fallen angel from its sanctuary) to the hellscape ground.

The free bird searches for shelter as it turns to the unwavering cage


Drop.

The caged bird gasp in hunger as it cradles the cold floor of its hand(-)crafted grave

The caged bird grovels towards the boundless sky


Two birds gaze at the other with envy
Oh, wow! What a twist it took. The tables have turned, and now they envy each other for what they do/don't have. Again, a reminder for us humans. I could be completely wrong here, but I sense a theme of be happy with what you have when you have it~ I love how you incorporated the beginning sentence with the ending sentence (first pity, then envy) That really just adds the finishing touch to this piece. Overall, 10/10! I look forward to reading more of your poems/novels~


Keep writing,
kaerae




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Tue Jun 11, 2024 3:07 am
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jaii says...



Poet note: Sorry if the formatting is off I’m trying to adjust to this I’m not the best at like online stuff also a title edit as well “Can You be too Free or too Caged”





I'm officially making it my goal in life to become a roomba. I want to be little robot. I want knives taped to me. I want to be free.
— TheMulticoloredCyr