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Young Writers Society



Nighttime city

by YorkshireTea


The hum of the night city rang through the open windows of penthouses and homeless shelters alike, touching those inside with its intoxicating echo taking captive the millions that called this place home, a true testament to the achievements of man. The engine tick of a fleet of taxis parked by stainless Steel lamps producing an almost insect like buzz of which nobody heard over the incoherent chatter and the intoxicated footsteps of couples walking underneath. Of course, the city did not just speak, there were an abundance of smells clashing with the sounds for the attention of the mind. The scent of liquor and street food were overwhelming almost all others aside from the occasional gust of exhaust fumes, also most likely caused by a taxi given the lateness of the hour.

BANG!!! the rhythmic urban soundtrack and scent pallet had now been induced into cardiac arrest with the frightful sound of scraping metal followed by its recognisable SNAP. The nose also suffered a change of pace, what was once liquor now became the burning smell of fuel. Then the before neglected senses began to have their time in the spotlight also, with thick smoke filling the lungs creating a burning sensation in the chest as well as making breathing an increasingly difficult chore. The heat began to rise steadily at first but before long the temperature became unbearable and a few moments later … unsurvivable. Before too long the metal that had just completed scraping and snapping began to stretch and contract under the heat being applied.

The hand of death looks favourably upon situations like this, almost makes his job too easy as even your average night boozer could predict the obvious and grizzly outcome of this tale, but death knows better than that, he has suffered many a surprise before and so patiently he waits watching events unfold until he is absolutely certain that his services are required.

The only way out of a situation like this is to breathe deeply and allow the smoke to fill the gaps in your lungs before the fire reaches you as no fate is worse than that, or so they say. THUD ........ THUD .......... THUD....... CRASH the metal hatch gave way to the forces applied by its inmate who proceeded to heroically stumble and fall into the flames. Reemerging moments later drooling, gasping for air, secreting increased amounts of mucus and part mentally alight, that is to say on fire. For the minutes following they would valiantly fade in and out of consciousness in ............ out ............ in ...............out. Once regaining consciousness for the seventh time they preceded to stagger away with their once bushy (now extremely crispy) tail tucked square between their legs. Turning down an alley they crashed into every bin, cardboard box and cat possible before collapsing yet again however this time was an improvement in that consciousness remained.

A scraggy and possibly mangey ginger tabby strode over standing over the head of the collapsed. The cat however did indeed have an owner as identified by the phone number etched into his name tag which also gave the name “Biscuit”. The escapee didn't know what to make of this as that cat sure didn't look like a biscuit and the idea floated that biscuit had been killed and his collar stolen but more important things were at play than the status of the real biscuit. Biscuit (if that was his real name) began to chew, gnaw and tear at the large, hairy but also fire damaged ears which were miraculously still attached to the partly conscious individual. Surprisingly the cat still had enough left-over teeth to penetrate the skin releasing a slow trickle of blood down to and over the brow before picking up speed on the sharp profile of the grey-haired face and dropping onto the floor of the alley which had most likely seen its fair share of blood. Slowly getting back on all four legs and feeling a little more stable at least in the physical sense and now well acquainted with this particular alleyway they shifted their gaze slightly to see a ginger leech named biscuit hanging from their ear. No worries however after a quick flash of several sharp teeth and a low growl biscuit soon realised that what he was attempting to eat was in fact not yet dead and so relinquished his grip of the now even worse for wear ear.

Walking back out of the alley and into the street where a small crowd had gathered around the still burning wreck. Deciding to walk in the opposite direction of the crowd now in a much more stable fashion than before, caught a cool breeze which ran through the thick grey coat of the creature aside from the areas that had suffered from fire damage and were now bald. Progressing through the street their ears shot upright to hear a distant howl. The city itself knows many different howls the sound of dogs domesticated and stray howling at night, the sound made by less than mentally stable individuals as they walk the streets but this, this was the howl of a fire engine something which would have been much use minutes ago but nevertheless, the sentiment was appreciated. The sound of sirens soon became background noise as the oversized dog spotted some equally oversized rats scuttling along the pavement weaving in and out of the trash likely scavenging for anything a rat could call food.

Then off to one side was an area of green in the middle of all this glass and concrete. It had grass, trees and bushes all covered in different smells from different animals (mostly dogs and humans but squirrels also). Stepping into this new land the air was noticeably more gentle on the still burning lungs of this battered beast. The sound of the city remained but visually this was a place thousands of miles away from the streetlamps and taxi cabs of the world. Now able to walk on a surface other than cement the slow deliberate walk that had helped to avoid the dangers littering the city’s streets became after a few seconds of hesitation a full-blown sprit. Darting from bush to tree, smell to smell finally feeling…

Black that’s all there was just plain and simple black. There was no smell, there was no noise, there wasn’t even any burning sensation just … black. Then slowly but surely it all came back. The smells, the sounds and yes even the burning. The black it would seem was the body’s reaction to running around when in such distress, its own pain relief when adrenaline alone no longer cuts it. Just as it had so suddenly come into view the trees and grass were no more, once again it was hard cold cement holding up this four-legged mammal.

Emerging once again into the city night presented an opportunity with what could be described as a small truck or a large van but whatever its designation was sitting unattended not a wholly unusual sight but what made this stand above all others was that it was open and contained a similar bed to the ones this nighttime explorer was familiar with. Upon waking up from the deep slumber one often enjoys in the back of a van the realisation was made that as the door had been open before that was no longer the case. Panic would have been a reliable emotion to field in such a situation however any panic was soon dispelled as the hum of the nighttime city no longer rang.


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30 Reviews


Points: 2679
Reviews: 30

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Mon May 27, 2024 7:37 am
AnotherCrowInRow wrote a review...



Hi there, AnotherCrowInRow is bringing you some little review! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!


Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This story grabbed me right from the start with extensive and unique descriptions that are really original and set the atmosphere nicely. I also like that it takes a while to find out who the narrator really is.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
At one point I noticed minor problems with the past tense, but let's face it - we all struggle with them from time to time. It also seems to me that sometimes there are just... too many descriptions, and they don't always connect to each other (although that's not exactly a problem - the entire text is primarily based on descriptions, so it makes sense that there will be a lot of them)

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece

Once again I have to appreciate your ability to describe things in a completely different and original way! Thanks to this, this work is unique, full of little things.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
With this, I end my smaller review. Be sure to keep writing, enjoy your time at YWS and have a nice rest of the day!




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16 Reviews


Points: 1898
Reviews: 16

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Mon May 27, 2024 4:52 am
khushi17bansal wrote a review...



Hi!!

Dropping for a quick review here! I would like to start out by saying that I loved your story. Your descriptions are so unique and amazing! They way they are written is phenomenal, I love the amazing touch of - perhaps - satire and humour that makes this entire story an absolute joy to read, I particularly loved the this part,

Once regaining consciousness for the seventh time they preceded to stagger away with their once bushy (now extremely crispy) tail tucked square between their legs.


These descriptions truly make your story unique and enjoyable.


However there are a few things I would like to point out,

The engine tick of a fleet of taxis parked by stainless Steel lamps producing an almost insect like buzz of which nobody heard over the incoherent chatter and the intoxicated footsteps of couples walking underneath.


Little issue with the tense here, 'producing' is present continuous while the rest of the passage is in past tense, therefore, this should be -

"The engine tick of a fleet of taxis parked by stainless Steel lamps produced an almost insect like buzz of which nobody heard over the incoherent chatter and the intoxicated footsteps of couples walking underneath."



Then the before neglected senses began to have their time in the spotlight also, with thick smoke filling the lungs creating a burning sensation in the chest as well as making breathing an increasingly difficult chore. The heat began to rise steadily at first but before long the temperature became unbearable and a few moments later … unsurvivable.


Tense issue here again, the 'burning' and 'breathing' part have again become present continuous instead of past tense. The sentence can be rewritten as,

"Then the before neglected senses began to have their time in the spotlight also, the thick smoke filling the lungs created a burning sensation in the chest and made breathing an increasingly difficult chore. The heat began to rise steadily at first but before long the temperature became unbearable and a few moments later … unsurvivable.



THUD ........ THUD .......... THUD....... CRASH the metal hatch gave way to the forces applied by its inmate who proceeded to heroically stumble and fall into the flames. Reemerging moments later drooling, gasping for air, secreting increased amounts of mucus and part mentally alight, that is to say on fire. For the minutes following they would valiantly fade in and out of consciousness in ....


Two issues here,
1) you have called the person here an 'inmate' this leads me to believe they were housed in a prison or a holding facility of some sort, but the story seems to be set in the heart of a city. So, this perplexes me, as far as I am aware, prisons and holding facilities are usually on the outskirts of the city or in rural areas.

2) 'part mentally alight' I did not understand the use of the word 'mentally' over here as they seem to be quite literally on fire.



No worries however after a quick flash of several sharp teeth and a low growl biscuit soon realised that what he was attempting to eat was in fact not yet dead and so relinquished his grip of the now even worse for wear ear.

Walking back out of the alley and into the street where a small crowd had gathered around the still burning wreck. Deciding to walk in the opposite direction of the crowd now in a much more stable fashion than before, caught a cool breeze which ran through the thick grey coat of the creature aside from the areas that had suffered from fire damage and were now bald. Progressing through the street their ears shot upright to hear a distant howl. The city itself....


Here, I feel like it would be better if you specified that the inmate was the one walking because while reading I was confused as to whether you were referring to the cat or the inmate.

This can be done quite simply, like this perhaps -

"No worries however, after a quick flash of several sharp teeth and a low growl biscuit soon realised that what he was attempting to eat was in fact not yet dead and so relinquished his grip of the now even worse for wear ear.

The inmate got up shakily and began walking back out of the alley and into the street where a small crowd had gathered around the still burning wreck. Deciding to walk in the opposite direction...."

Oh, also, over here Biscuit should have a capital 'B' which will make clear that it is the cat that is being referred to.



Emerging once again into the city night presented an opportunity with what could be described as a small truck or a large van but whatever its designation was sitting unattended not a wholly unusual sight but what made this stand above all others was that it was open and contained a similar bed to the ones this nighttime explorer was familiar with. Upon waking up from the deep slumber one often enjoys in the back of a van the realisation was made that as the door had been open before that was no longer the case. Panic would have been a reliable emotion to field in such a situation however any panic was soon dispelled as the hum of the nighttime city no longer rang.


I'm afraid I didn't understand what this passage meant. Did they find a truck with a bed? If so, why was there a truck with a bed in the middle of the city in the middle of the night? Why was it unattended? Did he just fall into an open van and fall asleep? Was it those house van things that you can live in? If so, why was it just lying around in a state that anybody could enter it?

What do you mean when you say they were familiar with it? Is the bed a metaphor? The cliffhanger ending (which has the potential to be spectacular) is rather spoiled by the fact that there is a lot of confusion relating to the immediate events leading up to it. I feel like this needs to be clarified.


All in all, it's a wonderful story filled with amazing descriptions, I really enjoyed reading it. Looking forward to reading more work from you!


Everything expressed is my opinion, accept or reject whatever you want.


Take care!

--KB





Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
— George Burns