z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Project.Xyria-Prolouge!

by Coffeewriter


Prologue:

Aeons ago…

I couldn’t feel my body. I didn't remember who I was, what I was or who my loved ones were. I felt like something squeezed all of my energy and ability to move and talk out of me.

Leaving me only with the ability to think and to torment myself. 

I felt numb. What happened? Where was I? My name.. I have to remember my name! Please!! My name is L-L-Lyssa! Before I could organise my thoughts into something coherent, I saw an ethereal light in front of my eyes. A bright, blinding beam of light dragging my consciousness towards something-no not dragging hurtling and fast.

I braced myself for pain or any impact as I couldn’t move, wince or scream. Nothing came. What was happening? 

Was I dead?

Just as I started panicking, I heard faint, hushed whispers, unrecognisable voices and even more unrecognisable words. My messed up brain scrambled to decipher the words in a hurry. I failed, miserably in fact, but still concentrated every fibre of my being into focusing on the voices fading by the minute and quickly.

“Has she passed?” 

There was a grunt and some more jumbled words. “We need to get out of here, quickly and calmly-who knows she could hear us and everything will be ruined!” This sentence was followed by a few foreign-sounding whispery shouts and annoyed words thrown back and forth.

After a few minutes and a moment of silence,which was nerve wracking, someone spoke and my heartbeat increased. “Be safe,” the same voice at the start whispered and I felt a slight brush of warmth on my forehead. 

I tried moving-to no avail.

I wanted to shout as loud as I could-I had so many questions! Although the voices stirred no loose memories, I felt an aching heartbreak deep inside of me. I knew these people were important to me. They had to be.

Present time

When I was finally able to open my eyes, the blinding light that was surrounding me was unbearable and I immediately closed my eyes again. “Open your eyes kiddo,” a strong, stern but comforting voice spoke. I struggled to but eventually opened my eyes and proceeded to blink a good few times. “Where am I?” I asked.

“You’re safe. You were found in a car crash. Your parents are safe and sound as well.”

It took me a while to process that.

A car crash? 

My parents?

What? 

All I managed to do was a simple nod. I stared up at the man in front of me with my huge, glossy eyes. He saw me staring and smiled a tight but reassuring smile. I blinked. Suddenly out of nowhere, two people, a man and woman, burst into the room.

“LYSSA!!”

The voices both yelled at the top of their lungs. I flinched a bit and focused on the people clearly. One was a woman who had auburn hair and clear glasses with a flower in hair and she was wearing a floral purple lilac dress which flowed with her as she moved gracefully yet nervously. The other was a man who had a brown beard, kind wrinkly eyes and pitch black hair styled carefully with gel. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and hot pink shorts.

“How have you been?” the woman asked, emotion thick in her soft voice. I just blinked, unsure of how to respond to this woman who was supposed to be my mother but it felt like I had never met her in my entire life. Her eyes immediately teared up at my obvious obliviousness and she looked away, in vain trying to clear her thoughts.

The man-my ‘father’ cleared his throat and proceeded to speak, “How are you feeling, dear? I understand you might not remember us and that’s totally alright but please tell us anything you remember?”

I paused at this statement. I was definitely sure something was wrong-I couldn’t have been through such an accident that I forgot my own parents, surely. I pondered, thinking of the correct thing to say which would sound plausible and put their worries to ease.

“I don’t remember much at all to be honest I just remember waking up and being here,” The people in the room all glanced at each other, unsure whether to believe me or not. 

“Alright, she seems sure of her answer and she’s old enough to understand the gravity of this situation, her injuries are not fatal and the ones requiring treatment have been treated.” The doctor stated. The woman and man glanced at each other and the man cleared his throat, both of their actions made it clear that they weren’t looking forward to this. “Do you remember us?” The man asked, hesitant to ask. The woman stared at me, her gaze was warm and reassuring but fleeting as her smile.

“No-o, I don’t think I do,” replied. 

My parents seemed as if they were expecting that statement but it obviously was still like a dagger to the heart. My mother smiled. “I’m Thea Violet,” The woman spoke softly, offering me a small, brave smile. All I could do was smile a little bit and continue biting my nails. Thea nudged her husband willing him to talk. The man gulped and spoke, “My name is Arthur Violet, your father,” He smiled reassuringly.

The people all glanced at each other-hoping I was probably alright. I decided I should speak. “Umm, why do I look different then?” I asked. I mean they wouldn’t lie but I could see my hair was pitch black and my skin was pale as snow compared to theirs. 



It seemed odd.

My parents smiled nervously. “That’s the catch, we were never able to have children but when you were a small baby-barely 1 year old-we found you at the foot of the largest oak tree in our town. We set our eyes on you and as if it were fate we were obliged to take you home as ours, the fact that you aren’t ours never made us love you less,” He spoke carefully as if trending in thin glass wearing no shoes.

I looked between them and saw genuine love. I felt slightly worried about why I didn’t remember my own parents. But, I couldn’t shake the shiver I felt when I heard that woman’s voice filled with heartbreak. I pushed the memory back, I wasn’t convinced everything was perfectly fine but I decided not to dwell on it too much. My parents gleamed, their eyes were practically sparkling. Let’s go home, Lyssa.


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Sun Jun 02, 2024 2:50 pm
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goodolnoah wrote a review...



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Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here! I have arrived to check out your awesome story! The name alone had me interested, and you always do great reviews for this site! Either way…let us see what this story has to offer!

Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary

I felt numb. What happened? Where was I? My name.. I have to remember my name! Please!! My name is L-L-Lyssa! Before I could organise my thoughts into something coherent, I saw an ethereal light in front of my eyes. A bright, blinding beam of light dragging my consciousness towards something-no not dragging hurtling and fast.


This is indeed an awesome beginning to this story! It’s horrifying to imagine my thoughts and memories suddenly slipping. Feels like a scary state of like…sleep paralysis. Your beginning certainly caught my attention, though!

“How have you been?” the woman asked, emotion thick in her soft voice. I just blinked, unsure of how to respond to this woman who was supposed to be my mother but it felt like I had never met her in my entire life. Her eyes immediately teared up at my obvious obliviousness and she looked away, in vain trying to clear her thoughts.


Wow…This is quite the opening here. She doesn’t remember anything at all. The description of her parents anguish is heartbreaking yet almost emotionless? Not in a bad way! Just from the point of view that Lyssa does not seem to recognize them. Since the story is from her POV, it makes sense she wouldn’t understand this. It seems she’s been hit with quite the amnesia.

A recommendation…

but still concentrated every fibre of my being into focusing on the voices fading by the minute and quickly.


I am not sure if quickly is really needed as an addition here. “Fading by the minute” already implies that voices are fading quickly. If you wanted to amp up the speed, you could change minute to second!

Love and…Blank ~ Story Commentary

Wow! I have many thoughts about the opening to your story! It feels very personable, like we are taking a moment to be confused with our main protagonist before continuing on. I took a look at the “information of Zilus”, only to see none of it come up here. I think this is good because it does not overwhelm the reader with information! Instead, it allows us to get hooked on the emotional premise before moving on with things.

Forgetfulness ~ Closer

I am wondering where chapter one will bring us, though. Since this happens “Aeons ago…” and then we are in present time. Is this for dramatic affect or is it literal? Or am I reading too much into things? The world may never know…




Coffeewriter says...


Thank you so much for your in depth and very creative review on my rather humble story!
1.I%u2019m glad the feelings of Lyssa were nicely portrayed
2. Thank you for the suggestion!
3. My intention is to create great cliffhangers but no so much that the readers come to kill me, haha
4.Yes! I literally meant aeons ago. Might seem a bit stretched but yes. :)
Once again, thank you for showering me with praise and have a good day/night!



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Sun May 26, 2024 11:12 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Coffeewriter! My name's Atticus, and I'm swinging by for a review. Let's get into it!

Firstly, a structure comment: your paragraphs are getting away from you in a sense. Grammatical convention is that every time a new character speaks, a new paragraph is started. In general, for fast-paced action, paragraphs should be like 4-8 sentences maximum. This helps create a pace that feels "natural" and narrative and is useful for keeping a reader appropriately engaged. It's harder to comprehend a work when it's not structured.

Moving past that to some broader thoughts, I thought the premise of your story was intriguing, and I enjoyed the prologue! It acted as a good "hook" to catch my attention and connected well to the beginning of the story itself, so it worked very well for me. It's also clear that the characters are well-developed and rounded individuals, which kept my attention throughout the story. First person narration is a great choice for the story you're telling and was a good stylistic choice.

Alright, she seems sure of her answer and she’s old enough to understand the gravity of this situation, her injuries are not fatal and the ones requiring treatment have been treated.” The doctor stated.
This is pretty odd to me. Firstly, she doesn't seem sure of her answer to me? Like she has stated that she doesn't remember or recognize her parents, and from the description of Lyssa's behavior she is very disoriented. Secondly, this kind of amnesia is medically pretty serious and indicates some sort of physical trauma, like a concussion. I cannot imagine a doctor just discharging someone after that kind of disclosure, and I am surprised that the parents are just going along with it.

I also found the parents' reaction to Lyssa's amnesia pretty strange. I understand that they're anticipating that she will not remember everything, but this level of amnesia is super, super abnormal. Beyond that, they don't come across as very sad to me about the fact that their daughter has zero memory of who they are. I guess it's an underwhelming reaction to me that undercuts some of the character building that occurred previously.

Overall, the premise of this story was very interesting to me, and I think it's a great place to start the story. I appreciate that you left the question of Lyssa's amnesia very open-ended, leaving plenty of unanswered questions and a curiosity for more. I would definitely continue reading this story if I picked it up in a library or bookstore.

I hope that my thoughts have been helpful to you! Please feel free to reach out with any questions.

Best,
Atticus




Coffeewriter says...


Thank you for this wonderful reply @Atticus! I%u2019m really new to writing I guess so excuse me poor grammar, I edited as soon as I read that first sentence, I hope this is more accurate? About Lyssa%u2019s amnesia, it%u2019s not medically or realistically accurate, haha but it does have a key role in the story and the doctors weird reaction is a much more bigger part in the story, I%u2019m still experimenting on the outcome. ;) Her parents reaction to her severe amnesia is also a part of a revelation coming out later although I don%u2019t think their reactions are unusual? I would appreciate if you could elaborate on that. Thank you!! Your comment made my day. :)



Atticus says...


I'm so glad it was helpful! No worries about poor grammar, it's all part of the process :)

As for what I meant about Lyssa's parent's reaction to her amnesia, I guess my point is that they don't seem very surprised or sad about her lack of memory. Since you said that Lyssa's amnesia is not medically/realistically accurate, I would expect that her parents would be much more shocked and saddened by the fact that their daughter has essentially zero memory. I also thought it was a little unusual that they introduced themselves with their names -- from my perspective, if my child couldn't remember me, I would just say, "I'm your father" rather than first and last name, you know?



Coffeewriter says...


:) Thank you for the advice. I get what you%u2019re saying and I%u2019ll try and implement that but personally I think that this is suited since my goal was to show how awkward they were to do anything and I wanted to show that they were so shocked that they didn%u2019t register it properly and they were quite nervous almost? Although, I may have just messed up there, haha. Personally, I wanted to portray them as nervous for some reason and quite frankly just trying to hide how sad they were, yknow? Thank you so much for the feeedback definitely changed my viewpoint and brought me back to the ground. Haha.



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Sun May 26, 2024 5:22 pm
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Coffeewriter says...



I have written Chapter One too…is this story going anywhere or does it seem hopeless? I have kind of lost interest but still see some ideas floating around? I’m unsure, someone please help!




Coffeewriter says...


@Atticus, I forgot that these replies do those weird number things. Hehe.



goodolnoah says...


It is okay if you feel like you have lost interest! Something that helps me when I lose interest is to re-read my story (or at least parts of it) to see if I like where I am going. If it really doesn't click, than maybe it is time to do a different project?
Its always okay to start over or roll back ideas from a story. After all, they are unique to you!




I think the best thing about making it into the quote generator is when nobody tells you, so one day you're just scrolling and voila, some phenomenally inane thing that crawled out of your dying synapses and immediately regretted being born the second it made contact with the air has been archived for all time. Or worse, a remark of only average inanity. Never tell me when you've put me in the generator. Pride-tinged regret just doesn't taste the same without the spice of surprise.
— SirenCymbaline