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Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 1: Imprisoned

by Honja


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"...The realm is abuzz with the latest scandal at court. Sir Rowan, the valiant knight, has been caught in a clandestine tryst with Lady Elara, the jewel of the East. The whispers among the courtiers grow louder as the Queen's absence casts a shadow over the festivities. Meanwhile, the Imperial Palace's own guard has been doubled, as rumors of a plot brewing in the shadows reach the ears of the vigilant..."

-Lionel Times, Current State of Events 

1300 R, Augusta 27

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      It was cold. That was all that Aelius could tell from his strained senses. With a blindfold and a set of ropes to ensure that he wouldn’t remove his bindings, he was trapped. “Isn’t restraining one sense supposed to enhance the others?” he muttered to himself, shifting uncomfortably as his bindings bit into his wrist. He took a deep breath, focusing on the environment around him.

      The sounds. The smells. The feels. He concentrated on everything that surrounded him as much as he possibly could. He heard the quiet splashes of water as a small animal traversed. He caught a faint smell of the old, earthy scent of moss around him. He felt stone against his back along with the water that drenched his lower body. A sewer? A well? There was too little information, and no further clues to give him an idea of his location. Frustration clenched him. “Then it seems I was left here to perish.”

“There is no saving for those who don’t save themselves, Young Sun.”

      “Who goes there?,” Aelius swiveled, his bitter expression quickly taking one of indignation as the walls around him mockingly echoed his words. He leaned forward as the phantoms dissipated, hoping to catch a sound or even a smell of the one who had spoken. “Who goes there?” he repeated cautiously, this time with uncertainty, a tinge of fear lingering on his expression. Had he imagined the strange words? Was he going mad?

“You are not the only one held captive.”

      He sighed, both in relief and disappointment, any prospect of a rescue abandoned at the moment. He leaned his head against the moss wall, gathering his thoughts. Questions naturally settled in as well, pondering: Who orchestrated this? And what was their motive?

      “Is it to prevent my succession of the empire?” he mused quietly to himself. After all, with thirty-five siblings vying for the throne, the first in line for succession would be object to envy. But..who? The Second Prince, Lypile?

      “No. Though there's not much love between us, he wouldn’t dare to harm me under Father’s watching eyes,” Aelius discarded the thought. “Or even the 13th princess, Rose? The sly wench always had a cunning side to her.”

“Your enemies aren’t of your blood.”

       “The damned voice again,” he whispered to himself. A pause settled between the young prince and the voice. Unable to bear the unnerving silence, Aelius questioned. “So…who are you?”

“Hm. Names are powerful, Young Sun. However…you may refer to me as Mer.”

      Mer? The name rang a bell in Aelius’s head, however, his mind was too fatigued to grasp at the straws. “I have been birthed as Prince Aelius Del Lune. Salvete vos,” he said, pride in his lineage evident as he spoke. Despite the dismal situation, his chest puffed out slightly, a smile tinkering at his lips.

“How…prestigious.”

      The voice said wryly. Aelius nodded eagerly, the sarcasm lost on him. But just as he prepared to ask another question, a realization dawned upon him. Not in regards to the satirical statement, but rather to what Mer had said earlier. Despite claiming to be bonded as he was…his voice contained no muffling of any sort. "Do you know where we are?" Aelius said suddenly.

"..."

      Aelius cocked his head, intrigued by the silence. Could he be the person who had made captive of him? Or perhaps working hand in hand with the culprits? The corners of his mouth tilted to a frown. "Well? Do you?"

"A sewer."

      The voice held a note of wariness, prompting Aelius to delve deeper. "Even a fool could deduce that much," he said flatly, "I believe you know what I meant when I inquired on our…whereabouts." A long silence followed.

"Aronim."

       Aelius took a sharp breath. The city was about a week's travel on horseback, even more, if traversed on foot from the Capitol. The only way to traverse that fast in this short amount of time was through…

      "Magic," he breathed, pieces starting to form together. That could only mean that Mer was a magician. But the question lingered in Aelius’s mind: Could an ordinary magician achieve teleportation over such vast distances? He mulled over this, recalling a conversation he’d overheard between an imperial magician and their apprentice.

──†──

“…But why can’t we simply teleport there?” The words hung in the air as Aelius froze, listening to the sharp slap of paper against skin. “Have my teachings fallen on deaf ears?” The room fell into silence. The magician let out a weary breath before explaining. “In layman’s terms, to traverse such a span, one requires a copious surplus of mana like a Great Magician. Teleportation is not merely vanishing from one location and appearing in another—it’s a metamorphosis. You must transform into an entity so swift, it escapes the naked eye…”

──†──

     "But there have only been a handful of such talented magicians," Aelius murmured to himself, pressing his mind to remember the long-winded palace lectures on the history of magic. "There was..Kirin Willinstine, Trilith Broliphan, Pyro Dehyphen, Cypher Treaty, and the most recent one..." The final piece clicked. "Mer…lin." Aelius said slowly. He paused, incredulous."You're a great magician…"

"...Indeed"

      Aelius frowned, the moment of awe overshadowed as another question came to mind: "But why would a great magician put so much effort into capturing thyself when he wouldn't bother to participate in the Great War?"

"Perhaps rather than mulling over my standing, you should think of your own."

      "I know, it's-" Aelius paused, a hint of their conversation recalled. Perhaps the perpetrators were not of his blood…but that does not discount those of the same lineage. He muttered under his breath, speculating. "Father wouldn't commit such a heinous act. Neither would my siblings…they lack the courage-"

"Perhaps a certain concubine who recently gained power within the palace?"

      The voice interrupted. Aelius made a face of bewilderment. His mind raced with many thoughts and even questions. Speculations of the perpetrator. Questions on how Mer knew so much. Aelius voiced these thoughts. "How do you know this?"

"Must I give you a guiding hand for each deduction?"

      The voice said, slightly irritated. Aelius went silent as he heard the sounds of footsteps accompanied by tiny splashes of water as they traversed.

"Concubine Lilith Del Trynie always had an eye for power."

      “Why are you telling me this..” Aelius said quietly. He tensed, on guard, as he heard the footsteps come to a stop.

“We are one and the same.”

       Aelius winced as the blindfold was removed from his head, light glaring into his eyes. He felt his bonds fall to the side as his vision adjusted. What met his eyes, as he looked at his rescuer, was a man in his youth. An insignia of molten chains signified his servitude to a master, yet the purple emblem that adorned his worn justaucorps inferred a position that lay much higher. With a well-built frame, he had black hair with a fair complexion that framed it. However, his most intriguing feature was his eyes. They were a crimson color, typically the sign of imperial royalty…the same as Aelius'. He whispered, “Who…are you?”

      Merlin’s expression was inscrutable as he studied Aelius. “I am Merlin, an archmage who serves the Crown of Oseshi. But first and foremost.." His voice grew heavy as it dropped to a mere whisper. "I am Karasu Del Lune. Former successor to the Crown of Oseshi and the firstborn of Queen Scarlett Del Ryte and King Marcus Del Lune. Salvete vos…brother." 


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31 Reviews


Points: 1696
Reviews: 31

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Thu May 30, 2024 11:25 pm
KaeRae88 wrote a review...



Hey, KaeRae here! First of all, can I just say I love the way you organized everything. Its super pretty and professional~ Okay let's jump right into it.

The setting and plot are both set up right away which is a good thing. It prevents info dumping and I think a little except from a news article is such a great idea. One thing I want to point out that dialogue is typically put in its own paragraph.

The sounds. The smells. The feels. He concentrated on everything that surrounded him as much as he possibly could.
I understand where you are going with that, but the feels kind of sounds weird to me. I know you are referencing the sense of touch, but it just threw me off a little. You could say 'the feeling of my of'.

After all, with thirty-five siblings vying for the throne, the first in line for succession would be object to envy.
Okay. That is a lot of siblings 😶 I like where this is going though...

"Who goes there?” he repeated cautiously, this time with uncertainty, a tinge of fear lingering on his expression. Had he imagined the strange words? Was he going mad?
The suspenseeee! Quick thought, we know that he is blindfolded so it doesn't really make sense that fear is lingering on his expression. You could use that if someone was observing it, but maybe say 'a tinge of fear lingering in his voice' or something to that effect

I like how Mer's (Merlin's) thoughts are bolded. It makes them stand out against his own thoughts. Also, you have good character development as he struggles to solve who might do this to him. You can see the struggle throughout this first piece, and it adds more context to everything.

Okay, I love where the chapter ended up, but I just want to say, it was a tad bit confusing
“I am Merlin, an archmage who serves the Crown of Oseshi. But first and foremost.." His voice grew heavy as it dropped to a mere whisper. "I am Karasu Del Lune. Former successor to the Crown of Oseshi and the firstborn of Queen Scarlett Del Ryte and King Marcus Del Lune. Salvete vos…brother."
The great revealing! Well... it might mean more if we knew who those people are that were mentioned. It might just be me that doesn't understand, but thats a lot of names to take into consideration. Although, it does also add to the suspense of finding out who Merlin truly is.

Either way this was an awesome start to a story!
Keep writing, Kaerae




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Sun May 26, 2024 11:05 pm
Ley wrote a review...



Hello, Ley here to leave a review on this awesome work of yours! I will be using my own review method today: Ley's Potato Chips Version! :D I'm trying out this review method in attempt to leave more enjoyable reviews. Let's get started and cut these potatoes, shall we? :3

Image


Turning on the Fryer!
Let me just say... wow! I love fantasy novels with magic and royal dilemmas, and you indeed caught my attention! Imprisonment is such a vague and overused trope, but you did it justice here. From your descriptions, to your ability to embrace the chilling and mysterious atmosphere... I was entirely captivated! Now, let's get onto the actual review: my favorite parts and what I personally think could be tweaked. Don't worry, there's not much. This piece was honestly a great read.

Fry Those Potato Slices!
I always like to start with the elements that I liked, and there's so much to say so I'll just shorten it for the sake of my fingers xD

I loved your descriptions and the way you ominously introduced Merlin (who is, indeed, a famous magician by lore. So happy to see you're incorporating him into your story, here!). At the beginning of the chapter, I was stuck wondering who could've possibly captured Aelius. Based on his internal thoughts, I was also leaning more towards the fact it could've been one of his 35 (wow!) siblings. But, the more I read... It seems like something else more sinister is happening behind the scenes.

I have a feeling that Merlin is going to end up sort of like a partner to him? Maybe someone he can trust? I may be completely wrong, and maybe he's actually the one that captured Aelius, but agh! You ended this with such a cliffhanger that I'd have to read the next chapter and figure it out. I'll do that next xD. I'm not complaining, though! These are the types of novels I love to read! :3

Add Some Salt!

He sighed, both in relief and disappointment, any prospect of a rescue abandoned at the moment.


There is only one minor suggestion here, maybe it was a typo? 'abandoned at the moment sounds a little awkward, so to emphasize the worry he's feeling I'd recommend you change 'the' to: 'that'. Like this:

He sighed, both in relief and disappointment, any prospect of a rescue abandoned at the that moment.


Enjoy The Crunchy Greatness!
Overall, like I said, this was such an amazing read! You had be captivated from the very beginning. I can't wait to see what happens with Aelius, Merlin, and of course... the throne!

That's it for now! Enjoy your potato chips! :D

With Love,
Ley :smt023




Honja says...


I simply love this review method. Chef's kiss. Might just go ahead and grab some chips myself after writing this %uD83D%uDC40.

I'm quite glad that you found my story favorable! And I'm even happier that my cliffhanger has left with you enough curiosity to stay tuned in for the next release!!!

Rereading the scene that you mentioned, I completely understand what you're saying! The scene flows much better with such a simple word change and I'm glad that you mentioned it!

I'm so glad that you loved the story and hope you stay tuned for more shenanigans with Aelius!

Much Love,
Honja <3




The brain is wider than the sky.
— Emily Dickenson