z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Witch of the Rotten Borough, Chapter Four

by Horisun


The mayor’s house is still quiet when she returns. The foyer, sitting room, and dining room are all very still. By now, it is well past ten, so Jo does not bother creeping up the stairs. Not even as they creak loudly beneath her feet.

She walks down the hall and raps twice on the door. There is the distinct sound of half-muttered complaints, and several seconds pass before a sleep-bedraggled Oscar appears.

“Good morning, Jo.” He yawns.

“I’m off to the Peterson’s farm. I’ll be back before lunch, unless they invite me to stay.”

“Oh,” Oscar scratches his head, taking a second to answer, his groggy mind trying to keep pace with Jo’s clipped words, “would you like me to accompany you?”

“No. Stay behind to tell the Fitzgerald’s where I’ve gone off to.” She glances down the hall, at the stalwart row of doors, “Unless they’re awake already?”

“I don’t think so,” Oscar says, peering past his room. He presses his lips tight together in a small frown, “Will you be all good exploring town on your own?”

“I already have been. I procured supplies from the local inn, now I just need to secure our guide.”

Oscar laughs, “You went out without me?” he asks, folding his arms, “I know I’m only ceremonial, but no need to make me feel useless.” He jokes.

Jo frowns. “You don’t mean that,” she says, even though it’s true. He was there to make sure she didn’t abuse her magic, in the eye of the law, theoretically; but since it was so very uncommon for Magic Practitioners to commit treason, there was very little need for a Scribe. But disregarding that entirely- Jo did not like the perceived insult to Oscar’s character, because Oscar was her friend. And she had few and far of those. “You are not useless. You are very charismatic. You are my diplomat.”

At that, he cracks a broad grin, and places a hand over his heart, “Jo, that may be the kindest thing you have ever said to me.”

“It’s a rather low bar,” Jo concedes, a lick of guilt in her gut at that. She clears her throat and nods her head, “I’ll be off then. This should be a rather straightforward encounter.”

“Here’s to hoping,” Oscar calls cheerily after her, as she vanishes down the hall.

-

Jo had not appreciated just how big a proportion of Monsbury’s soil was allotted to it’s aristocracy; through the gate at the end of the square are rolling fields of grass as high as Jo’s waist. It stretches as far as the distant mountain range, wicked rows of teeth as gnarly as they were majestic, jagged paintings against an azure backdrop.

Jo felt as small as an ant as she scurried down a dirt path, one left mostly to her imagination. The weeds were not beaten back with a pair of shears; rather, the occasional bits of foot and horse traffic. Her skirts snags on the clever fingers of twigs and biting thorns, and more than once she just avoids plunging into heaping lumps of manure.

She is mid whole-hearted swear, when thunder rocks the earth.

It is somewhere between the sound of waves crashing against a rocky shore, or the wind as it races along the sides of an ancient house. And yet, it is louder than either, like the sky is being wrenched in two.

Jo clamps both hands over her ears. It does nothing to muffle the wretched noise, which does not cease for another minute.

When it is over, nothing has changed. Jo still stands alone in an empty field of grass. Her ears, ringing, seem to mostly work, and her legs, though wobbly, still urge her forward.

Earthquake, is her first, (and for a moment, only,) thought. Then, she glances up at the sky, and her eyes arc toward the distant mountain range. A chill darts up her spine, and she knows that it was an animal who set loose the roar.

What had made her think she could kill a dragon?

-

She follows Carter’s instructions to reach the Peterson’s farm.

The walk to the first signpost is longer than expected. The mayoral half of Monsbury vanishes completely behind her, (though the mountain range beyond that, being a fixture of the horizon, remains; giving Jo the impression of a village being swallowed whole).

Con. East, Castle Monsbury.

Southward, Peterson’s.

Jo turns right.

The world vanishes beneath a sea of ash and steals away Jo’s breath. The omnipresent mountain range disappears, swept away in the fierce thundercloud that has consumed this piece of Earth. It is so suddenly midnight. The sun’s influence, which wavered like a candle in mayoral Monsbury, is snuffed. It is like she’s found herself somewhere deep, deep underground.

An ‘ashtray’ draws upon an image of a desert, where no trees or plants grow, and you can see for miles in any direction. The Peterson’s farm is a jungle, where Jo cannot see more than ten feet in front of her at any given time.

Still, she stumbles down the path, clinging to it like a rope.

She eventually, (emphasis on eventually,) finds herself in a place where the fog is somewhat lifted. She sees rows and rows of barren apple trees, fading into the smoke. Like two mirrors shining into one another, they seem to extend forever.

At the end of the path is a quiet farmhouse. No lights flicker inside, and the door and windows are bolted shut. Quiet as a bird house in the dead of December, save for the hushed song of a windchime, somewhere out of view, and the crunch of gravel beneath Jo’s heels.

She does not see the woman, who stands on the rotting porch, watching Jo’s approach, until she is a few meters away. The two make eye contact.

She is tall, with cropped hair and warm skin, the color of burning embers. Her shoulders are broad and strong. She wears a women’s blouse and men’s pants and practical shoes, all well-worn. Her expression is still, but appears to flicker behind the screen of smoke. She is around the same age as Jo, but appears older; stress having carved her face into its image.

Even without the extra height lent to her by the porch, the women towers over Jo. There is something very unsettling about her strange stillness, like she’s been waiting here for a very, very long time. Like a door rusted around the hinges, her head slowly creaks to the side. “What do you want?” she asks.

“My name is Doctor Josephina Gundry,” Jo says, “Is this the Peterson farm?”

Most of the woman’s expression does not shift- but her eyebrows do lift in a way that takes Jo a minute to decipher- not quite surprise, no. Sarcasm, maybe? “That’s right.” She says.

Jo bites her lip. “And you would be?”

“Name’s Angelique Peterson.”

“Ah,” Jo attempts her smile. It wobbles unhelpfully at the corners. “you’re exactly the women I was looking for. Do you mind if I come inside?”

“I guess that depends. What is it you want?”

“I’m a magic practitioner sent from Sol. I’m here to kill the dragon,” Jo says, “I need a guide up the mountain; I hoped that you would be it.”

Angelique takes the moment to survey Jo. Her face is steely, like the blade of an axe, and Jo feels very small beneath her gaze. Then, Angelique sighs. Her voice, though calm, wavers, water simmering over a fire. “You can’t come in. But why don’t we walk?”

-

“You’re a witch, then?” says Angelique, as she hurls a stick into the trees for her dog to bolt after. “That sort of thing gets you hung, I hear.”

Jo shakes her head no, lips thin and voice sour. “I have a permit.”

They walk side by side down a path behind the farmhouse. Contrary to the one that took Jo here, it is well maintained, and wide enough that a carriage could be hulled through with room to spare.

“Oh, of course. My mistake.” Angelique shrugs.

Jo scowls. There is a sizable difference between a witch, an illegal partaker in magical arts, and herself. She went to university. For eight whole years. She works directly under her majesty, the queen, only practicing sorcery for the betterment of society. Her work is not the hobby of a bored housewife, a heathen, or anything in between- all this and more, she barely keeps herself from spouting. “I don’t do well with sarcasm.” She warns instead, “I’d rather you just say what you mean.”

The dog comes bolting down the path back toward them, it’s tongue lolling from it’s face in a grotesque, monstrous manner. Jo winces as it drops the slobbered-over stick at Angeliques feet.

“Good fetch,” she says, already flinging it back into the orchard, before turning her gaze on Jo. She has very pretty eyes, the color of a lantern burning low. They search Jo’s face, narrowed and distrusting. It takes her a long time to settle on words. “I’m not interested in facing the dragon myself.”

“I can work with that,” Jo says, her foot thrumming impatiently against the ground, “So long as you can get me close.”

“I only want to find my sister,” Angelique continues.

Jo’s gut wrenches. If Susanne Peterson had not become a midday snack, then she was a matchstick. Dragon’s, as mindless as any other monster, killed their victims quicker than a tiger on the prowl. The thought makes Jo sick, but she swallows the bile and tries to keep her expression convincingly impassive, placating, and sympathetic. Like how Oscar does so sincerely. She presses her lips together, lilts her head, and pinches her brow. “Why, of course you do.”

Angelique’s voice is thick with an undisguised disgust. “I can see it in your face.” She drawls, “You think that Susie is dead.”

“I think that it is likely.”

Angelique waves her hands in a grand, dismissive gesture, taking a whole step back from the force of it. She folds her arms and turns away, gnawing at her nails. She shakes her head, not at Jo, rather as though shooing away an obtrusive thought. She says, “If you think you can help us, I don’t see why you can’t come.”

“Thank you,” Jo says.

“But let’s be clear on one thing,”

“Yes?”

Angelique’s exhales deeply, her breath a puff of smoke. Her eyes squeeze shut, and her shoulders fall, a surrender, “Susie was not killed by the dragon. She’s gone to slay it.” 


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28 Reviews


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Reviews: 28

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Sat Mar 30, 2024 12:18 am
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goodolnoah wrote a review...



Hello again!

Writing Commentary

Your writing never fails to keep me invested. The part where “thunder” erupts was quite gripping.

Earthquake, is her first, (and for a moment, only,) thought. Then, she glances up at the sky, and her eyes arc toward the distant mountain range. A chill darts up her spine, and she knows that it was an animal who set loose the roar.


The reveal that this may have been a dragon roar builds even more suspense for the battle that is to come. To see her feel helpless after her swift defeat of the Wyrm earlier shows that the Dragon is no joke, and will be no slouch as a threat.

Story Commentary

The interaction with Jo and Oscar near the beginning is cute and I think it was needed for their characters. She feels upset at his joke because it was about him being useless. Even if Oscar seems to take it lightly, Jo feels the need to reassure him. It really shows her caring nature.

This quote from Jo shows that her confidence seems to crack a little when talking with Angelique.

Jo scowls. There is a sizable difference between a witch, an illegal partaker in magical arts, and herself. She went to university. For eight whole years. She works directly under her majesty, the queen, only practicing sorcery for the betterment of society. Her work is not the hobby of a bored housewife, a heathen, or anything in between- all this and more, she barely keeps herself from spouting. “I don’t do well with sarcasm.” She warns instead, “I’d rather you just say what you mean.”


Her pride in sorcery is really shown here, she seems to take issue with the idea of even being called a witch because of the nature of her job, the work that she put in for years only to be belittled by not just Angel, the rest of the village she has stepped in to help. It is impressive that she is able to deal with Angelique’s comments.

Angelique as a character is interesting as well. She is stern, similar to Jo, but with a harsh, cutting edge. The slight tit for tat that they have upon meeting shows the nature of the relationship going forward, strictly business. Though the nature of the job may require they pass this threshold.

Closer

Another banger chapter! I will continue to read!




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Fri Mar 01, 2024 12:39 am
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello (Again), My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Excellent, forward progress in Jo's mission! I was intrigued to see that she refused to involve Oscar, then went by herself to the Peterson farm. The continued exploration of this region created for some lovely descriptions, and even the "ashtray" of the Peterson farm was another great way to expose the dragon's wrath. The introduction of Angelique, and her following interaction with Jo, generated some interesting dialogue that pushed the story forward and revealed some more facts about the world. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Overall, it was a great chapter and I enjoyed it thoroughly! There were just a few errors that I noticed, and a couple of recommendations I could make for readability, free to take or leave. First, here toward the beginning:

“No. Stay behind to tell the Fitzgerald’s where I’ve gone off to.”


As you're referencing a plural, "Fitzgerald's" doesn't actually need an apostrophe (Fitzgeralds).

“you’re exactly the women I was looking for. Do you mind if I come inside?”


I think you meant exactly the woman she was looking for.

Dragon’s, as mindless as any other monster, killed their victims quicker than a tiger on the prowl.


Another plural-possessive mixup, as "dragon's" doesn't need an apostrophe here.

Angelique’s exhales deeply, her breath a puff of smoke.


"Angelique" doesn't need an apostrophe or "s" here.

Now, for some personal recommendations; none of these are technical errors and are more subjective, of course.

Oscar laughs, “You went out without me?” he asks, folding his arms, “I know I’m only ceremonial, but no need to make me feel useless.” He jokes.


I feel like the dialogue tags were a bit heavy-handed in this statement. Perhaps simplify by condensing them into one (example: Oscar laughs, folding his arms. "You went out without me? I know I'm only ceremonial, but no need to make me feel useless.") I think this may help readability. The touch of body language is nice, good on that, but "asks" and "jokes" felt unnecessary with the existing question mark and Oscar laughing (implying he's not being very serious already). Right after that, here:

Jo frowns. “You don’t mean that,” she says, even though it’s true...“You are not useless. You are very charismatic. You are my diplomat.”


The dialogue being broken by a very long description here read just a bit awkwardly. Again, just a recommendation, but I would advocate for putting that description of Jo's feelings about Oscar's remark first, then put the dialogue in as one (example:

Oscar laughs, “You went out without me?” he asks, folding his arms, “I know I’m only ceremonial, but no need to make me feel useless.” He jokes.

Jo frowns. Even though it's true, and he was there to make sure she didn’t abuse her magic in the eye of the law. Since it was so very uncommon for Magic Practitioners to commit treason, there was very little need for a Scribe. But disregarding that entirely- Jo did not like the perceived insult to Oscar’s character, because Oscar was her friend. And she had few and far of those.

“You are not useless," she says. "You are very charismatic. You are my diplomat.”)

One more here:

She eventually, (emphasis on eventually,)


Please note, this is especially subjective. I feel like italicizing "eventually" was enough emphasis for the word, rendering the parentheses unnecessary. But again, this is very subjective, and I could be looking at it from a biased point as the way I learned, parentheses are a "crutch" that should be avoided (even though many authors use them lol).

Of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. I mean nothing negative, and I still thoroughly enjoyed the chapter!

Why The Grin Widened...

There were a lot of great moments in this chapter! I love the progress that was made, and the cliffhanger you left us on. I really like this addition to the story:

But disregarding that entirely- Jo did not like the perceived insult to Oscar’s character, because Oscar was her friend. And she had few and far of those.


It gives a little more clarity on the dynamic between Jo and Oscar; I was wondering from Chapter 1 what direction this was going, if Oscar was going to be an apprentice, a partner, or even a mere useful idiot. It was great to learn that they're coworkers on the books, but actually friends in real time.

Angelique already interests me as a character, as she seems defensive and stern, but with the notes of her stressed appearance, it makes me wonder if she'll be more friendly once Jo gets past those metaphorical walls that she has.

Likewise, the continued characterization of Jo, as she speaks to a clearly troubled woman and tries to show empathy, caught my eye. Particularly here:

The thought makes Jo sick, but she swallows the bile and tries to keep her expression convincingly impassive, placating, and sympathetic. Like how Oscar does so sincerely. She presses her lips together, lilts her head, and pinches her brow.


Perhaps I'm off, but it sounds like Jo either struggles to show empathy/sympathy in general, or she struggles to lie in these serious situations. Either way, the fact that she has to rely on Oscar's examples of sincerity to create her own was fascinating; this book keeps revealing layer after layer of this mysterious character, and I love it! I also loved this fun fact:

There is a sizable difference between a witch, an illegal partaker in magical arts, and herself.


It explains much more about the magic system and gave us a glimpse as to how Jo got to this point -and what her position as a magic practitioner entails. Good to know that she works with royalty, and that there are different and specific differences between a practitioner and a witch.

And of course, what stood out most was this:

Angelique’s exhales deeply, her breath a puff of smoke. Her eyes squeeze shut, and her shoulders fall, a surrender, “Susie was not killed by the dragon. She’s gone to slay it.”


This revelation about Susie left me with so many questions! Not only did it dispel the idea that she was *taken* by the dragon, opening more possibilities and theories, but it elaborated on the obvious and primary question at hand: is she okay?

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, brilliant chapter! Nicely done! :)

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I AM NOT GOING "FULL COW" ON SOMEBODYYYYYY
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