Prologue
Edison had heard the voice before. Before, it had told him to go looking for it, whoever it was. This time it told him to run and leave his wife and child behind. He never listened to the voice. It had to be something that he’d made up in his head, just like Alora. Just like everything in his past. A coping mechanism, that’s what miss Aldine called it. That’s all this is. So once again Edison decided not to listen to the voice. The next morning he was dead.
Chapter one, 4 years later
It was said that the forest of Casimir was a cursed place. No one in the village set foot inside it, which made perfect sense since all its inhabitants had been murdered in the past decennium. The forest stretched for miles and miles and all the houses that stood there were abandoned. There were no more signs of life, and if you'd ever found yourself walking around the forest, you would probably think that no one had lived there for years. You could not be more wrong, however. If you'd know where to look, you could find a cottage. Not a small cottage, but quite a big one. It was surrounded by hundreds of flowers and plants and in the center of the yard stood a big blossom tree. It was hidden in the middle of the woods and no paths led to it, at least not anymore. The house was a quiet place, almost as if nobody had been there for years. Almost.
August and Blair looked up when they heard Rikkie enter the room. There were twigs and leaves in her short brown hair and all over her sweater. On her arms, which were full of tattoos, were some small cuts. It looked as if she'd just had a fight with the bushes, and the bushes had come out victorious.
“What happened to you?” August asked, while closing the book they were reading. Rikkie opened her mouth to say something, but Blair interrupted.
“That’s your ‘I did something bad’ face.”
August stopped collecting twigs to look at Rikkie’s face.
“It is?”
"It is, I promise you it is," Blair responded. "What did you do this time?"
“Okay, first of all, I do not have an ‘I did something bad’ face.”
“Yes, you do,” Blair cut in.
“I do not! Anyways, I might have lost Bear? That’s all.”
“You lost Bear?”
“Yes.”
“You lost Bear and all you have to say is ‘that’s all’?”
“Also, yes.”
“Where did you lose him? Did you even try to look for him?”
“Okay, first off, obviously I tried looking for him. Do you not see what I look like right now? And secondly, I last saw him near the tree.”
“But did you look for him from above? You might've seen him then!”
“And risk someone seeing me? Come on, you know I can't!”
“There’s literally no one alive within three miles of here! No one would have seen you!”
“You don’t know that!”
Blair squinted her eyes and clenched her fists. August quickly moved closer to her to put a hand on her shoulder. Blair looked at August.
“I got this, okay?”
Blair took a deep breath and nodded. August gave Rikkie a disappointed look before leaving the room. She just rolled her eyes and sat down on the couch. August sighed and walked into the kitchen. Their dark green cloak was hanging over one of the chairs. They grabbed it and walked out the front door, not bothered enough to put on their shoes.
August looked around the yard. It was massive and beautiful. There were loads of plants and flowers, most of them planted by their parents. They turned towards the middle and looked at the blossom tree. Their father had planted it there after they were born. He used to say that it was planted to protect August. When they were younger, they believed it. Now they knew better. If it was really there to protect August it would have protected their parents too.
In the fifteen years that have passed, the tree had become unusually big. August used to think that it was their dad’s magic that made the tree grow so fast, but even after his passing the tree still grew a lot quicker than other trees. Its size and quick growth are not the only peculiar thing about it; it was always blooming. The pink flowers were always there no matter the season. This was by far the most unusual thing about it, and it was something that always fascinated August’s friend: Carter. He was always fascinated with magic and the tree obviously was magical in some way. The two of them would play hide and seek in the yard, and Carter would tell August stories about all their adventures. Carter used to spend a lot of time with August. It wasn't like he'd really had a choice, since it were August's parents who took him in. But still they were friends. Good friends even. They were nine years older than August, but that didn't matter. They were certainly going to be friends forever.
Looking back to that time now, August wondered if they could've known back then that Carter would leave. If they'd missed any signs. Signs that Carter was just being kind because they had to. He'd left the moment he turned 18. At first he wrote August and their family letters, but after a few months they stopped arriving. Back then, they didn’t know Rikkie and Blair. They’d only met 6 years ago, back when they were all only eleven years old and Blair had just bought Bear.
It saddens August to know that Bear would probably die soon, since most hedgehogs don’t even make it past three years. Blair, however, refuses to believe that and has gotten mad at August whenever they bring it up. He might already be dead, August thought. They shook of that idea and walked towards the blossom tree. Bear was still going to be alive. He had to be.
“Bear, where are you?” August looked around them. There was no sign of movement anywhere. A bee landed on August’s shoulder. Bees are their favourite animal. They’re small and won’t harm you unless you harm them or their family. They've always reminded August a bit of their mother.
“Hey little one! Have you seen a hedgehog around here?”
The buzzing answer was one that would not have made sense to anyone but August, who had been communicating with animals their entire life. They thanked the bee and it flew off again. They walked towards the rose bush and kneeled down. August was relieved to hear quiet snoring coming from the bushes. Bear was still alive. August carefully pushed aside the bushes with one hand and lifted Bear out with the other.
“Hey, silly. Are you alright? You scared us there for a bit. Let’s get you home, shall we?” August whispered to the hedgehog. They stood up again and walked towards the oak door of their home.
“I just can’t believe you lost my hedgehog. You know how much he means to me!”
August had returned from the yard an hour ago. Rikkie and Blair had already been arguing then and only stopped for a little while to thank August. August had decided to go to their library after a little while, to look through some of their old journals. They never liked the arguing much. Sadly enough, Rikkie and Blair decided to move their argument to the library not even five minutes later, and because August was unwilling to move again, they were now stuck listening to them argue.
“I just thought he needed to go outside for a little while!”
“Bear goes outside every day! And I always make sure to keep an eye on him to prevent him from getting lost!”
“Bear is fine! He was just sleeping and he is fine! August, I’m begging you, please tell Blair that he’s fine!” Rikkie said, obviously done with this argument. August turned around and shifted their gaze towards Rikkie.
“Huh, what?”
“Can you tell her that Bear is totally fine?”
“Oh, right,” August’s eyes shifted towards Blair. “He’s fine, I promise. He told me so himself.”
“See?”
Blair sighed. “Fine, but if you lose him again, I’ll kill you and I’ll make it look like a bloody accident.”
“It would be my pleasure.”
“Can you two stop arguing now?”
“Fine,” both of them responded, but the look that passed between them made it very clear, even to August, that it was anything but fine. Blair sat down and Rikkie flew up to grab a book from the top shelf and started reading it while floating. The room fell silent.
“So, uhm… You guys want to start a campfire and tell stories?” Blair suggested after a few minutes.
“Sure!” August said, and they started putting their journals away.
“As long as you’re not going to tell the story about the ice queen, I’m in,” Rikkie replied, while she flew back down.
“It’s literally called The Queen of Ice and it is the best story ever, but sure.”
The Queen of Ice was originally a musical and was always Blair’s favourite. However, after all mention of magic in public became punishable by death four years ago, they had to cancel the musical. So now they had no option but to retell each other stories from memory.
Blair tied up her straight brown hair and smiled as she walked out of the library, while Rikkie waited for August to finish putting away their journals.
“I lied when I said I didn’t try to spot Bear from above.”
August dropped their last journal and turned around.
“It was like Blair said, no one lives around here anymore and I just thought it was safe. I mean, we train in those yards!”
“Do- Do you know if anyone saw you?” August managed to say.
“I don’t think so. I was only flying for a few seconds.”
August bit their lip. “I’m sure it’s fine. Just- don’t do that again.”
“I won’t, I promise.” Rikkie said.
August nodded and picked up the journal to put it away. Then they tilted their head towards the door.
“We might need to help start a campfire.”
Rikkie nodded and they both left. The campfire was already lit when August and Rikkie arrived outside. They sat down and Blair started telling the story.
“Once there were two little princesses. One of them-”
“I said no Ice Queen! That includes Ice Queen two, Blair!” Rikkie interrupted.
“But it’s been so long…” she complained.
“No.”
“August? Please?”
August looked between the two of them. It had been a long time since they’d heard the story of the Queen of Ice, but on the other hand it would be nice to hear an original story. Their eyes landed on Blair who was looking at August with those sad puppy eyes. August sighed.
“As long as it’s not the first one, I’m up for the ice queen.”
Blair grinned and looked at Rikkie in victory. Rikkie rolled her eyes. With two votes there was nothing she could do but give in.
“Why do we always pick the Queen of Ice...” Rikkie complained.
“Maybe you should just accept that there is no story better than that of the Queen of Ice,” Blair suggested.
“I’ll never accept that and it’s not true!”
“It’s true and you know it,” Blair responded.
“There is one condition to this,” Rikkie said. Blair raised her eyebrows. “August is telling the story.”
“What? No!” exclaimed Blair.
"Sorry Blair. They're just better at it."
Blair crossed their arms while August and Rikkie started laughing. After a while they started telling the story. The rest of the night was spend singing songs from the musical at the top of their lungs. None of them were aware that it was their last time doing so.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi everyone!
I would absolutely love it if you could give me some feedback! Also thank you for even reading this in the first place
yh about the gibberish i was violently spamming my keyboard beacause yes then the morse code... wel use google you will be fine
Hello!
Alright first off, great read and very enticing!
I read it and I was slightly confused because of the amount of things going on. I was also confused about the ages, there were quite a few numbers laid out but the order was hard to understand. I might just be a little stupid but it still was a bit hard to understand.
I didn't really know what was going on with the magic thing. I read the description and everything but magic was kind of placed in awkward places throughout the story.
Another thing which I believe was mentioned by someone else is the change in tense from past tense to present tense. It took me off-guard for a second.
Anyways I think I'm done nit-picking here. It was a really nice read with great imagery. Like I said before, it's mainly just really jumbled and confusing in some parts but other than that it was amazing.
Keep writing, this is very interesting and you have talent!
Just jumping right into it with no organization here-- So the prequal/prologue really got me. It was creepy, intriguing, short, and to the point. Really sets a hook in the reader. Then we get into some description of a house (very nice description, I might add) that's not too long and not too short. I suspect this was the part of the show where I was supposed to pick up on the fact that I was reading something in the fantasy genre. Well, that didn't click until I started hearing about characters flying. "Searching from above" (or however it was phrased when the characters were talking about looking for Bear) I at first thought meant climbing a tree. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is I was (and rather still am) VERY confused. Below are a few highlights of my confusion (and take these with a grain of salt, because I may just be stupid)
1. These characters!?! *Siiighhh* I understand there is a very fine line between describing your characters at the outset and absolutely info-dumping. You seem to be on the unusual end of describing your characters too little. I was a little traumatized when flying was mentioned, after I was imaging normal (well, mostly normal) people living in a strange little house in the woods. If I'm reading a story about fairies, stick bugs, or mushroom people, I want to know that up front. I have a weak heart, okay???
2. Character relationshipssss!! Bear with me on this one. I want to know what the characters'relationships are. I say this because my mind (like most minds, I assume) will automatically try to create relationships, and the more times I discover I'm wrong in the short span of one chapter, the more irritated I will become. (Not really irritated, just slightly grouchy) In the beginning, I thought Rikkie was the child, and the other two were parents. Then I thought Blair was a parent, August was the older child, and Rikkie was the younger. Now I surrender.
3. PrNouNSSssSss. Oh my word, I'm about to get my face punched. Here we go: if you have a very, very, very good reason to have nonbinary characters, go for it. But if you don't, plleeeeaaaseeee for the sake of the silly English language and the trembling brains of your readers, consider assigning some genders. Even as someone who writes about "queer" characters in almost every one of my novels, nonbinary characters are a heffalump of a challenge. They limit your word choice, confound your readers, and create grammatical dilemmas like it's a superpower. In my professionally unprofessional opinion, they're just not worth it for a longer work. Sadly, you can't drop that many dialogue tags. Take it or leave it, my friend. It's all a matter of how much you intend to suffer.
4. What is this story about...? So, going back to the prequal/prologue again (which I read twice, by the way heh heh heh), I thought this story was going to be about the friends/family/descendants of a crazy person who was not as crazy as he thought. Now it seems we are following the lives of three undefined beings who are hiding away from something that might see them if they take to the air. But there's no hint at the end of the chapter what might happen in the next!! What I'm trying to say is, you need something in this chapter that lays out (even vaguely) the struggle/adventure/plot the rest of the story will unveil. Weirdly enough, I got the vibe from the end of this chapter that August, Rikkie, and Blair would spend the rest of the story happily squabbling, telling tales, and singing. Add a hint, a lair, a trap, a few crumbs--if you catch my drift. I want to be pining for the next chapter, not just mildly curious!
All that being said, you are obviously a very talented writer. Your pacing so far is great, your dialogue feels natural and lifelike, and your description is charming and informative. I have a feeling you have a very good story to be told here...
Hi!! Thank you so much for your feedback
I'll definitely try to work on it. As for August being non-binary, it's very important to me that there are non-binary characters in stories that aren't just about their gender identity. It's not the easiest to write, you're definitely right about that haha.
Thank you again! I'm definitely going to try to make the characters relationship more obvious (as well as their ages. They're all around 17 btw)
Hi there NoElixar, welcome to YWS!
I saw you mention this in your welcome post, so I thought I would swing by and check it out. I tend to focus more on bigger picture things in my reviews (like pacing, characterisation and description) rather than typos and grammar - though I do occasionally pull out a nitpick or two!
One of those nitpicks - I think you mean Prologue rather than Prequel! A prequel is usually a full length story, whereas a prologue is often much shorter and comes just before the first chapter.
This line confused me - is 'it' the same as 'them' or is it telling him to go and look for someone else?
I liked the dramatics of the last line of the prologue - definitely good at keeping your reader engaged! I don't know that this needs to be a prologue on it's own and can't just be a separate paragraph at the start of chapter one given its length but I don't think that's too important to worry about.
I really liked the description at the beginning of the chapter and when August is looking around the yard. It helps me to picture the setting and become more immersed in the story. Watch out here though as your descriptive paragraphs tend to get quite long. Breaking them up into multiple ones would make them easier to digest.
Also watch out for tense changing. Most of this is written in the past tense but then suddenly in this paragraph it changes:
Whilst I think both styles fit the story, you'll need to pick one and stick with it
The other thing I think might need some work is the transitions between scenes. We go from being in the house to August looking for Bear and then back into the house and then to telling a story very abruptly. Adding a sentence to ease the transitions would definitely make them easier to read.
I think you've made a good start overall, and your characters are very likeable in the way they interact with each other. I think I'd like to see a little more tension in the chapter overall to make me want to keep reading though. You start to hint at things with Carter leaving, but as is it's not quite enough to hook me. For a first draft though, I really enjoyed reading this and I hope you continue to share chapters with us!
Hope this was helpful!
Icy
Thank you so much
It was really helpful!