Prologue
On a night as black as coal, upon a small pool, a cat approached. With what little light the moon created only the faint outline of the cat could be seen. The light seemed to be coming from the cat along with the pool. The cat looked down into the pool and what seemed to be twenty or so cats formed around it.
“Hello Sliverwing” one of the cats said to the one staring down at the pool.
“How are you, Sootfeather?” Silverwing answered with a nod of her head. Slowly all the cats started to step towards the pool and as they did they started to glow just as Silverwing had.
“What do you see in store for our clans?” Sootfeather said, staring into the pool.
Chapter One
Eaglepaw woke startled. He had just had the strangest dream, but he didn’t have anytime to think about it because Sandpaw was coming into the apprentices den to wake him.
“Hey Eaglepaw come on you need to get up. We need to start our tasks”
“I’m coming you can go on and do what you are supposed to do, see ya” Eaglepaw got up and trotted out of the den only to realize that it was very late in the morning. Oh no I can’t believe it I overslept, Foxfeather is going to be soooo mad…,just then Foxfeather came running over she batted his head slightly with her paw.
“Come on you sleepy head lets get moving you aren’t going to become a warrior sleeping in like this” and she started to walk quickly away. Eaglepaw had to run to keep up with her as she made her way to the training hollow.
When Eaglepaw had made it to the training hollow, Foxfeather was ready to start. He didn’t even have any time to catch his breath, for she went right into her training schedule.
“Alright today you’re going to learn ways to attack your foes without getting hurt too much. Okay first I want to see how good you are before we start anything. So I want you to try to attack me head on. You can use any tactics that you want to.” Eaglepaw nodded a little worried but didn’t show it for he knew that she would be able to tell if he did and would use it against him or tease him about it. He stood as strong as he could and he lunged for her side. Foxfeather moved over gracefully at ease and kicked Eaglepaw in his side. Eaglepaw tumbled over and jumped to his feet the wind knocked out of him. He took a couple of seconds to breath and lunged again.
Stormkit and Stumpkit wrestled next to their mother. Stormkit was having the best day at the training hollow watching Foxfeather train Eaglepaw. He was trying to copy the moves that Eaglepaw was using even if they weren’t successful on Foxfeather they were on Stumpkit. Stumpkit cried out as her brother scratched at her belly. She got back at him by biting his ear. He let out a mew of discomfort, but still played with her. Flowertail then got up to keep her kit from going to far off.
“Come on Stumpkit, Stormkit you too, were going back to camp.” Flowertail started to head back to camp with her kits closely trailing her. She always paid close attention to her kits and the ever darkening forest. She was just about back to camp when she caught scent of another cat. She turned to her kits and stood over them trying to pinpoint the direction of the foreign cat. Some twigs snapped and she stared at the place where a cat emerged from the now dark forest.
Flowertail lunged at the cat, she didn’t know who it was but she knew it wasn’t a cat from her clan. The cat writhed underneath her strength. She knew in an instant this was no clan cat, for it wasn’t very strong for its size. When the cat went limp in defeat she got up still cautious. It was a pitch black cat about half her size. It had no scent from any clan she knew of and it was very skinny not having anything to eat for a week by the looks of it.
“Who are you?” The cat looked at her with ravenous eyes, it was looking desperately for something to eat not have any luck even in the middle of Greenleaf. It waited a second before answering.
“My name is Whitewater.” Whitewater? What a weird name for a completely black cat.
“Are you okay you look hungry and tired?” What are you thinking, you can’t bring this kittypet with you to the camp, but it could die out here. Besides I can’t stay here much longer because my kits are out here after dark…
“My kits” Flowertail shrieked.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Though it is highly unlikely that you will ever see this, here's a review on your Warriors fanfiction!
What I Like
Your dialogue was pretty good.
What I Dislike
I felt that your prologue was short and lacked much detail. It really didn't pull me in to your story, and it also didn't clarify whether they were at the Moonpool (as I suspect) or the Moonstone.
I also think that you need to tell us which Clan we're actually in. You're story was rushed, and as it lacked details, I know little about what's going on here. There were also quite a few grammatical errors.
In Summary
There are quite a few improvements that this work needs, and I'd love to see them made!
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this sounds like a really cool idea that you have got going on here. Its definitely something new to see things in the perspective of a cat. And I think you seem to be constructing quite the extensive world around these cats and conveying it pretty well in this first chapter that you've got here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That's a beautiful description to open things on. A nice little establishing shot letting us know the location of everyone with respect to each other and overall just a really good way to open a story.
Well that was a pretty short prologue...doesn't quite seem to work there. It doesn't really leave us in all that much suspense. The cliffhanger is not all that great at being a hook there. I feel like maybe ending on that glowing part might make it a little more mysterious than it is right now.
Well that was a nice little start. Tells us a few things about his character too which is pretty nice.
That is some pretty nice action that you've got right here. It tells us a lot about how this whole training thing works while also telling us that they are in a situation where training to fight is important.
Aww...that sounds like a really sweet little fight there with probably these smaller kittens fighting each other for fun.
Oooh it looks like things are pretty bad if she just jumps at any cat that she doesn't recognize. Otherwise you'd think a hello what are you doing in these parts would be more appropriate.
Ooooh now that is what I call a cliffhanger. Really good job there with the first chapter. It definitely had a lot of really interesting things that is now making me want to follow along with this story to see what happens.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall you've done a really good job with getting your readers attention in that first chapter. The prologue was maybe a little too vague and the ending not quite as nice as it could have been to really get people hooked but the first chapter definitely makes up for that with that great cliffhanger. Your introduction to this training is also done pretty well and gives us an idea of how things work in the story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for doing this review. I've been needing to do a fanfic, and I had no idea someone had started a Warrior cats series!
This was good overall.
The dialogue was strained. If you added some punctuation that would be much better. I loved your names- Eaglepaw and Whitewater especially.
Keep writing!
~Pyx
Heeheehee, Whitewater, I knew she'd be in there. Jackie going to pop in there by any chance? It was good but the quick change from characters to an other group was a little....abrupt. Good overall.