what i talk about when i talk about love

Wow I'm quacking, in shock, in love whatever these feelings are. Your poem is incredible. I'm going to be a bit picky because your poem is already gorgeous.

You set the scene pretty well. The hour, the softness, and the emotions deep within the poetic voice. I especially like the image with the softness but I think you could have used another word ("hidden softness") to make it strike more. You have the softness, the marrow, the tenderness - all of this is perfect, though. I think you could also move the image of the moon to let place to the softness - somewhere else it can either transition towards the ocean image or the constellation one.

I think you could have given more details on the constellations/prophecy image. It's really good but I'm left wondering how it all plays out. What does it mean for the other person engaged - we know the pain, but what does it do?

And then, at the guillotine image is perfectly delivered. Just pointing it out, really really good one.

I'm left on my hunger with the last two lines though. We have very powerful images throughout all the poem so the last ones fall a bit flat (they're good, but in the context of the poem, they could have been way better).

Anyways! I'm so glad I read your poem, it is really really nice. I'm eager to see what else you write, really!

See you !

hey!

saw this has no reviews and couldn't resist jumping in. there's something really effortless and seamless about your poetry quality that I really admire that I know is not effortless at all, but something you've worked to craft. I really enjoy the way that you set a scene.

andddd that's what we're actually going to start with tonight! i know you know how beautiful this is, the fun stuff is the tweaking we can do to make it even more gorgeous than it already is.

you set the tone with a universal but personal experience and memory that evokes a strong reaction from all of my senses. your second line follows up super well, but i definitely feel like you start to lose steam in line three/four. this is for two reasons, mostly. the first being that i feel like the phrasing might be more active if you moved it around to say "i let the moon illuminate the dark (or potentionally even i let the moon illuminate in the dark, that's beautiful too)/the underbelly of a hidden softness etched. That bolded part is my next thought. you've just use soft in the second line in a really effective way that's very strong. to repeat the same word doesn't illicit the same strength of image to me, and i think it might dilute the image of the lines before it a little bit too. i'm wondering what word you could use that would enhance it instead.

the next line is another strong one, as in the rest of the first stanza. practically perfect in every way! i am obsessed with the crossed out imagery and it reminds me of some of my favorite poets— which i know you're drawing a lot of inspiration from this year for NaPo! I can see the same solid, stoic voice shining through in those struck out parts that siken often uses in a similar way in his writing.

i wonder if in the beginning of the second stanza if it might be fun to *name* the song instead of saying the boy and the girl isare in love. . totally might not be the vibe, but i sometimes love to see how that direct naming of something can put you in a moment in time in the same way the imagery in the beginning of the first stanza invokes such a visceral reaction.

for awhile i feel like you could tighten up the imagery in this stanza and then it gets really good. the whole mythologies/constellations/lightyears/odysseys series of images is good, but i think if you dug deeper and got a little more specific, contemplative and comparative, it could really be something. what mythologies? i think it would provide a little more focus and context for this relationship you're trying to build and unbuild in front of the reader.

Then... it gets sooo good and you finish really strong. the executioners/guillotine image is flawless, and then you really bring it home with directly addressing the reader, which previously you've only ever done in a more round about way. I can't get over the rest of the stanza, including the nod to both your NaPo thread title and Siken's own words about how love will ruin us.

Since you are such a Siken fan, I thought I'd leave you with a few of his quotes that have always stuck with me. you probably also love them and know them, but they mean a lot to me and i really enjoyed your poem and thought you might like some added inspiration for the rest of your NaPo!

"I want to tell you this story without having to confess anything/without having to say that I ran out into the street to prove something/that he didn't love me/that I wanted to be thrown over, possessed.... Tell me we're dead and I'll love you even more"

"The prayer of going nowhere/going nowhere"

and then one of my top five of all time,

"Love, for you/is larger than the usual romantic love/It's like a religion/It's terrifying/No one/will ever want to sleep with you"

Great work! Have loved following your Napo, keep it up!

Sizzle

nice poem, I really liked the - I won't make it back to the shore line.