Young Writers Society

Tae!

So basically I love this, and all I really have are some nitpicks because dang. Talk about scathing (and I love your tag to this, too).

Last two lines of the first stanza are great, and transition nicely into the next line.

Next stanza, I would nix "a sign of divine displeasure," and transition straight in to the next line (I mean, you may need to play a bit with line breaks), but that part specifically is superfluous in context. I'm not positive "when you were" is needed? Or maybe I'm reading it incorrectly?

The next stanza the first three lines work, but not as well as the rest of the poem. I'm not quite positive what it is, but I think it's something in the second line that is too many syllables to fit nicely. I'm half tempted to say to just pull out the entire second line (the first I like), but then I'd want to jump from "serums" straight to "and i try..." which then misses some of the point of the repetition that is in the second line into the third. Basically something is slightly off to my reading, but I don't have a great solution to what's nagging at me.

I love what you're doing in the next stanza with botox. My only pick (other than is that an extra period at the end of the stanza, last line?) is that I don't like "needed," but pulling it would require rewording (something like "the sort of thing only for the rich and vain," which i'm not sure is better in any fashion). I adore "I'm not rich and too ugly for vanity." That is just perfect. Not sure you need "no one hears" at the end - I think "sees" is the stronger word to end on, mostly because this is so focused on the visible.

Last stanza I have similar thoughts - just nitpicks, ways to tighten up just a bit. Nothing big or major. Like, "at thirty-three" I would nix, since age is implied to be similar to your narrator already stated an age that nearly matches, so it follows that the other comparisons follow in a similar age range. Plus, you don't name it specifically for the grandmothers, so that would parallel better without the specific for the mother. "three apiece" could be kept or taken off - it breaks the parallel in a way that emphasizes, and I'm not sure I like it, but I think that's more personal preference. I can't decide if I like "muscles" or not, since it's somewhat redundant, and I keep going back and forth.

So, all the nitpicking aside, I love this. Cynical, critical, societal commentary is one of my favorite things. Looking forward to stalking your NaPo even more, now <3

Hey niteowl!

So I really enjoyed the concept behind this - the connection of natural landscape with the landscape of skin features is really clever. And comparing a seemingly "timeless" quality of nature with aging and vanity was powerful. The canyon metaphor particularly stuck out to me while reading; it created a strong image in my mind.

Something I felt while reflecting on the last stanza was that the canyon/nature imagery seemed to be left behind, which kind of made the ending detached to that continuous theme? I just almost wish there was some sort of allusion to the imagery that was so prevalent at the beginning of the poem towards the end here! There's a reference to the speaker's mother feeling "ancient" - maybe this could be compared to some sort of natural landscape?

This is kind of really particular, but I thought I'd mention it since it came to mind when reading:

their babies, three apiece, and here you are, asking the portal
to all the world's knowledge if it's time to poison your face muscles
because you don't have anyone else to ask.

and I’m not rich and too ugly for vanity,

that no one sees, no one hears.

it feels cataclysmic, not a story of gradual erosion
but a biblical flood, a sign of divine displeasure,

hi friend!

i am obsessed with this reflection on growing older and watching your body grow older. When you started out, I wasn't sure where you were going, but by the time you hit your "grand canyon" line, I was like "okay yes, this is going where I want and hoped".

Honestly, there's so much I relate to in this poem that it really evokes strong emotion in me. I have been going through a *journey* with my skin, and it's been really depressing and sad to think about my "young" skin and how comparatively perfect it was to what I have now. I also have this whole patch of grey hair that just doesn't stop growing and makes me cry every time I think about it— but that's another story. ANYWAY, I'm just trying to get across how relatable your narrative line is and how much I enjoy it.

There may be a few places here and there that could be workshopped, but overall it's solid and just as long/short as it needs to be. I'm not usually an advocate for adding words to poems (usually I'm pushing less words in my reviews lol) but I think "(and may never make it--my gadabout heart" could benefit from an 'is' on the end for flow. Idk what it is, just something about the extra syllable works better for me. I'm also conflicted about this "you". They're not mentioned very often, just in this stanza and at the very end— and while I like both lines a lot, I also feel like it disrupts the rhythm a little bit when the rest of the poem is so reflective.

the last stanza, particularly the final two lines are excellent.

nice work! i'm excited to follow your napo thread! good luck in april
Spark

Hi! Iris here to leave a quick review ^^
I won't lie, this piece is beautiful. I love the way you wrote it in all lowercase letters, and I feel like it gives it a really soft feeling that softens the blow of the words being said. It really hit me hard but in a good way, because it feels, not good, but at least comforting in a way to know that people face the same fears and feelings as I do.
Keep on writing and don't be afraid to tell people feelings and fears. <3

Sunflower here for a quick comment.

This hit way too hard for me. While I personally don't deal with the fear of aging in the beauty sense I do have an extreme fear of aging due to a medical condition I have that's only supposed to get worse with time. Time is one of those terrifying things and it's one of the only things we as humans have in common, we will all age we will all continue to march on and in a way I think that's very important to remember. I don't really have an answer for your dilemma I do wish you the best and something I like to remember is a latin saying my mom told me: Dum vita est, spes est.
So honestly I think you should go on that trip west
Sorry for not really giving any good advice lol. Have a great day/night though! Bye!