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Young Writers Society



(LMSVI) The Ruptured Shadow, Chapter 2.2

by KateHardy


Safi just shook her head before, almost out of instinct by the looks of it before she took a deep breath and answered with a quiet. “No. Thank you.”

“Alright, well then, we have a few minutes until everyone is due to arrive and well naturally no one is exactly going to be perfectly on time so you two have a good amount of time on your hands. Why don’t you explore the area? I’ll just hang back here.”

Both of them nodded, even though Serafina was officially internally freaking out. There was no chance a special agent like that was just going to straight up sit there and observe them looking around the room and not judge them based on what they did. No one that important just stood around randomly letting the new recruits touch whatever they wanted.

Serafina tried to catch Safi’s eye but she was already wandering off towards the front of the room. There was an odd sense of purpose to the way she walked that contrasted so much with the way she’d been acting so far. Serafina tried not to think of that too suspiciously. Safi probably wanted to act like she knew what she was going, which was pretty much exactly what Serafina wanted to be doing at the moment too.

Putting her suspicions aside, she decided not to go down that particular thought for the moment, chancing a very quick glance at Ray who for all intents and purposes looked like he was casually browsing something on his wrist communicator. Serafina had to give the man some credit. If he was in fact trying to do exactly what any sane person would assume he was doing, he was doing a good job of convincing people otherwise.

Trying not to go down yet another rabbit hole with that line of questioning, Serafina started on the opposite end of the room. She probably should have followed Safi’s lead. The girl really did know her stuff, she probably actually did have a purpose to what she was looking at, but just following Safi was not going to get Serafina anywhere if this was meant to be some sort of test.

[Narrator]

There was a loud “HONK” from the screen and the two operators sitting in front of jumped. They exchanged a look, an unspoken agreement passing between the two as they both looked at the screen.

It honked again. They both looked equally confused as they entered a mini staring contest with the screen in front of them. It was functioning as normal from what they could see. The forty-inch display was lit up with a three large maps, two of which had orange lights dotted around, while the third one was empty, and dark. It could almost be mistaken for the screen having taken some damage there. The two looked down at the keypads they were typing into.

“Did you?” asked the one on the left, slipping a finger through his long curly hair and twirling it slowly.

The second one shook her head. “No, I didn’t press a thing.” She pulled off her glasses, rubbing at her eyes for a second before putting them back on. “And that screen is no different from what it was like two seconds ago.”

There was a third “HONK”

“Well clearly something isn’t the same,” said Curly Hair.

“Nope.”

A single red dot appeared on the darker section of the screen, the map in the middle suddenly illuminating its outline in red much like the other two.

The two operators exchanged a second glance.

“That isn’t supposed to happen, is it?” asked Glasses.

“I mean. No. Yes?” said Curly Hair.

“How is that an answer?” Glasses frowned at him.

“Sorry. But. Well, what I’m trying to say is, I guess it can light up. Its technically an active site that we are supposed to monitor but well even when I got my training, which was some time ago, well the agent on duty said that we should not bother staring at the center because…”

“…that darn circle is a void that you can get lost in. It ain’t never lighting up.”

“Wait, your trainer was Hunter?”

“It was,” said Glassed, waving her hand dismissively, “but obviously that’s not important at the moment. Clearly this thing shouldn’t be lighting up right? Is this bugged somehow? Do we have to worry?”

Curly Hair shrugged. “I mean this could just be, I don’t know, a broken light? Random misclick?”

“Dude...” Glasses rolled her eyes.

“Alright fine, so clearly we have to call this in.”

“By that you meant to like the boss, right? We can’t just send a set of agents there. This isn’t normal.”

“Well, wasn’t that implied?” asked Curly Hair. It was his turn to roll his eyes.

“Touché.”

Curly Hair got up to reach for the bright red pad on the far end of the room, Glasses right beside him. He didn’t hesitate, plugging in the number right at the top of the list.

“Agent Hardy here. Please tell me this isn’t about the ice cream machine on floor seven again. We will get it fixed. I promise. And no, I’m not mad that you reached out to the head of M.M.R.C about an ice cream machine. Like I said the last five times, I do agree that is a galaxy wide emergency that we’re out of ice cream on an entire floor. Gotta keep people happy if you want to keep a universe safe.”

Curly Hair and Glasses exchanged a look, this time a blend of concern and horror much more severe than about the mysterious notification.

“Agent Hardy, this is Operator Tucker. We are not calling about ice cream. My apologies if that was implied in any way.”

Glasses shook her head, mouthing. “Why would you mention the ice cream again?”

“Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhh. I am sorry. You don’t have to apologize. It just a thing where the thing -- Let’s forget about the ice cream -- I think…” began Agent Hardy's rambled reply.

Glasses rolled her eyes mothing “Ya think?”

Curly Hair had to stifle his laughter as Agent Hardy continued.

“…but so yes. Please tell me your problem. Ignore me being traumatized over an ice cream machine. Happens to the best of us. Trust me on that one.”


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Sat Dec 17, 2022 2:22 am
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Spearmint wrote a review...



Hello!! It's mint, here for another review. xD It looks like we have an additional complication here with the "malfunctioning" screen... I'm excited to see how that develops alongside Safi and Sera's training! Anyways, I'll just get right to it.

Safi just shook her head before, almost out of instinct by the looks of it before she took a deep breath and answered with a quiet. “No. Thank you.”

Hmm, so now I'm wondering if something happened to Safi between graduation from the academy and the present. Serafina seems to be expecting Safi to speak up, but Safi's internal thoughts seem very underconfident. Or is it just being thrust into a new situation? Perhaps Safi's more book smart, and she feels unprepared for this job??

Why don’t you explore the area? I’ll just hang back here.”

It seems like Kate, Vankous, and Ray are pretty high-ranking within this organization. So... does Ray not have anything better to do? Or is he really keeping an eye on the two new agents? >.>

Serafina tried to catch Safi’s eye but she was already wandering off towards the front of the room. There was an odd sense of purpose to the way she walked that contrasted so much with the way she’d been acting so far.

Interesting, interesting. You're doing a wonderful job of keeping the reader interested in the story so far! I can't wait to find out what Safi was walking towards when we return to her perspective. xD I feel like it's a 50/50 chance whether she was walking towards something that really looked important, or just some random object...
Just a nitpick here-- "wandering" and "sense of purpose" seem to be contradictory. Maybe you could replace "wandering" with something more confident like "striding"? c:

a very quick glance at Ray who for all intents and purposes looked like he was casually browsing something on his wrist communicator.

Side note, but I'd enjoy learning more about the technology here! xD It seems like this is a fairly advanced place. (I'm curious-- is the wrist communicator like an Apple watch, or does it have some kind of holographic screen, or is it something else entirely? I personally have an Apple watch, and it's difficult to scroll through it and actually gain information, just because the screen size is small, lol.)

There was a loud “HONK” from the screen and the two operators sitting in front of jumped.

Don't mind me thinking of geese here... -_-

Its technically an active site that we are supposed to monitor but well even when I got my training, which was some time ago, well the agent on duty said that we should not bother staring at the center because…”

Hmm... could this be the site from the Prologue...? And what do they mean by "active site"? >.> Magically active? Active as in dangerous? 0.0

Curly Hair shrugged. “I mean this could just be, I don’t know, a broken light? Random misclick?”

Somehow I doubt that. ;)

“Agent Hardy here. Please tell me this isn’t about the ice cream machine on floor seven again. We will get it fixed. I promise. And no, I’m not mad that you reached out to the head of M.M.R.C about an ice cream machine. Like I said the last five times, I do agree that is a galaxy wide emergency that we’re out of ice cream on an entire floor. Gotta keep people happy if you want to keep a universe safe.”

Omg. XDD It's awesome how you keep incorporating humor into this novel! This agency seems like a fabulous mix of serious (as in, they deal with serious, universe-endangering problems) and wacky. Although I am 100% in agreement that fixing the ice cream machine is essential. =P

Keep writing, and I hope you have a terrific day/night! =D




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

For this chapter's question I'm remembering to answer the communicator is a bit like an apple watch xD and it is annoying to use xD but these people are used to it.



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Wed Nov 30, 2022 1:30 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there Harry! Lim again with a short review.

First Impressions

It looks like some new event has occurred away from the protagonists. I was a bit confused reading this part because there was a bit of jumping around in terms of the POV and storyline, but it could be fine since it’s a sub-part of chapter 2, after all, and it might make more sense when I read on. I feel like I have no clue what will happen next with Serafina and Safi’s interview! I’m quite curious as to what’s going on there. I’m also uncertain as to what the mishap in the second scene will turn out to be (is it something to do with the situation room?) but I felt like the main focus there was introducing the new characters, which had some funny moments.

Characters

With the first line, I’m guessing that Safi *did* have a question but didn’t ask it because she was too nervous. That’s usual for her character, though I am curious what that question might be since this part was from Serafina’s POV.

As for Serafina, I find her suspicions about Ray to be quite plausible based on her reasoning. Though given what we’ve seen from Ray’s organisation, they can be quite unpredictable, so maybe Ray really is just randomly scrolling there.

The witty dialogue between the two operators shows they’re familiar with each other and is quite entertaining. I like how Glasses kind of ‘finishes’ Curly Hair’s first sentence in her mind and responds, because I can see that happening in a real-life conversation.

The intro of Agent Hardy talking about the ice cream machine reflects the sort of weird absurdity the secret agency has. It’s also nice to have a hint of what they actually do which is to “keep a universe safe”.

Descriptions

I thought the second part that takes place in front of the screen was more dialogue-heavy than the first. I think this part could benefit from some more description. Specifically, it wasn’t described how the screen is supposed to look like normally, so it was hard for me to understand what exactly malfunctioned and what the characters were reacting to.

Clearly this thing shouldn’t be lighting up right?

Is the problem the two other maps? Not the third one which is dark? Or is it the orange dots?

Plot

I’m interested to see how this malfunction / issue in what seems to be a control room will affect the plot. Will it make the test that Serafina and Safi are going through harder? Or will a glitch make it easier for them? Is it intentional sabotage by some interested party? <.< I like having an additional complication at this point, because it opens these possibilities to the story.

As for some speculation, I’m thinking there will be more characters introduced soon since Ray mentioned they will wait “until everyone is due to arrive”.

Overall

As a whole, I thought the strong point of this chapter was the character interactions. If you’re revising this, my main suggestion would be to add more description and context to the scene involving the screen + operators.

Hope this helps and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim




KateHardy says...


Thank yoouu for the review!!

I am falling short on some of these descriptions because I am making so much of that as I go along at the last minute xD I'll definitely keep these things in mind for a second draft :)



Liminality says...


Ah yup that's a relatable first draft problem xD I'm pretty sure I tend to do the same thing on most of my 'long important convo' scenes!



KateHardy says...


:)




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— foxmaster