Young Writers Society

Hi there LilPWilly!

Q here to review your story today.

I will say that I read the little author's note at the end before I delved into the piece, so I know that these are supposed to be texts interspersed with the description. But, I don't think I would have quite understood that without your note.

I really like the method of including quotes from texts between the lines of outside description. It gives an outsider's input on the storyline as it unfolds, and I think it can break up the text in an interesting way. However, I think it is rather confusing in its current state. This is partially because it's hard to tell these are texts (I thought the "Ding" perhaps signified an elevator) and we don't know who they're coming from; the other part is that they don't seem to go along with the timeline--the friend is texting curfew while Porter seems to be already getting her back, for example. I think you just need to make sure that each text you include is pointed and doesn't take the reader out of the story at hand.

"Put your arm around her!"
Her best friend.
"Would it help to know she likes you?"
The opportunity came up, and I did.

I think that you're clarifying the texts as coming from "her best friend" here? Since this is how you introduce the story as a whole, it's a little confusing. I believe the "I did" is in reference to Porter putting his arm around the girl, but it's a little unclear. As a first-time reader, the only context is the title as "First Kiss," so one might assume that "I did" refers to the kiss. I like how simple your form and story, but any more descriptive words might help reveal the setting--mentioning, for example, that this is a first date (or whatever works best).

Her head against my shoulder.
Hours on that couch, playing games with her friends in their apartment.
"Curfew is at 12. Better get her home safely!"
Her apartment was just across the hall.
At her door, I turned to see phone cameras and giddy girls peeking around doorframe.
I walked her in, and the door shut behind us.

I think my first note here is a technical one. The two of them are in her apartment playing games, but then they seem to go across the hall and into their apartment. Maybe they're in a friend's apartment? The sentence doesn't exactly make that clear. If that's true, then the other little thing is that Porter "walked her in" ... presumably into her apartment, where there are all of these "phone cameras and giddy girls" -- do they end up kissing in front of all these friends? Is this embarrassing at all?

It seems like something that would affect the mood and tone of your piece, depending on whether this was a public or private moment. I'm leaning more towards public, since even the best friend is texting while it's happening, but giving some more indicators of how the narrator feels and just the general vibes of the setting would be helpful to the readers. It's such a short piece, so any extra bits of description would help flesh it out a little more. It might be a hard balance to achieve, since I love your short and simple style here, but just make sure you're very selective in what images you want to come across in this story.

To quote this again, "Her head against my shoulder. / Hours on that couch, playing games with her friends in their apartment." -- I really like the way that you don't use full sentences, but you evoke an image of what's happening. I think this is something that works very well for your story and you could use more of this than directly telling readers what's happening!

We hugged each other closely.
My chin rested against her head, then my cheek, then she looked up.
Nose, lips, tongue.

Getting back to description again, the way you phrase something can make a huge difference. You say, "We hugged each other closely" but another sentence could have very different emotions tied to the same basic action: "She melted in my arms," for example, versus, "Pulling her close to me" or "Fumbling, arms wrapping around each other." You obviously don't have to use any of those sentences, but there are tons of different ways to describe hugs other than saying "we hugged"! Also, the second line here confused me for a minute. I will say though that I love the simplicity of "Nose, lips, tongue". It leaves the reader to imagine the kiss!

I walked out of her apartment, smiling at the bad taste in my mouth, nervous to be deeper than I had ever been.
"Porter"
"Did you kiss her?"

A few thoughts here -- I wasn't sure if "deeper than I had ever been" meant a depth of love or more like physical affection, but I think it threw me off for a moment. I like the friend's texts at the end, and the fact that we get to see the narrator's name, but I'm not sure if you want that to be the most significant part of the story or if you want to focus in on the narrator's feelings a little more. It's a cute ending, but also an interesting emphasis.

Anyway, that's about all I have for your story today! It was very sweet and cute. In general, you might want to spice it up with a little more description or emotion, but I enjoyed the simple style and the way you summed up the story in such a short format. The texts that are quoted have a lot of potential to make the story more interesting and to break up your words. But very nice job with this! I hope you have a good day.

-Q

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ding.

"Put your arm around her!"

Her best friend.

"Would it help to know she likes you?"

The opportunity came up, and I did.

Her head against my shoulder.

Hmm, well considering the title, I'm going to assume this is mean to be a bit of a slow build up to the moment mentioned there...aaand well, this is a nice little start. I like how the sentences here are kept very short and there's pretty much no description of the surroundings. It allows you to sort of really zoom in on just the characters involved here...which I think is rather fitting for the scene you're trying to create here.

Hours on that couch, playing games with her friends in their apartment.

"Curfew is at 12. Better get her home safely!"

Her apartment was just across the hall.

At her door, I turned to see phone cameras and giddy girls peeking around doorframe.

I walked her in, and the door shut behind us.

Hmm...so well judging by the you mentioned that we've got text messages involved, it seems like while this person is carrying out this whole thing, we've got all of the girl's friends showing to almost cheer the situation on, which gives and interesting third element to this story of sort of all these friends rooting for this moment to happen.

We hugged each other closely.

My chin rested against her head, then my cheek, then she looked up.

Nose, lips, tongue.

I walked out of her apartment, smiling at the bad taste in my mouth, nervous to be deeper than I had ever been.

"Porter"

"Did you kiss her?"

Soo...that's an interesting ending there, you've kept it slightly ambiguous as to what happened in said house...I feel like you're being rather subtle about what exactly went on and that adds an interesting sense of somewhat mystery to this piece so...it gives it a bit more depth than it otherwise does.

Overall, a really interesting read here. I felt like this was more of a poem than a short story, with the length of the "paragraphs" which are really only just one line...and the format you've used here. The message also seems much deeper than the literal meanings of what's happening which is also much more like a poem. At any rate, it made for a fun story to read here. If I had one suggestion it would be to put these text messages in italics to make them stand out more. As it is now, I can still tell which part is texting and which part is not, but I think a bit of italics would make things look a bit neater and change up the feel of this to be a little better.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry