z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Awakening Chapter 12: Emergence

by Otterpop


"This is torture..."

Blake couldn't agree more. With the school cancelling and kicking everyone out of the building well before lunch, one would think that all the students would be nothing if not thrilled. But the nervous taps of feet and frequent gaze shifts told him Amelia and Cameron were just as apprehensive as he was.

Amelia lifted her phone off the rock next to her, stared at the screen for a good ten seconds or so, and then set it down.

"Anything?" asked Blake, even though he already knew the answer. Amelia responded with a silent shake of her head.

Cameron looked between the two of them with furrowed brows. "What now?"

"The ambulance took Amelia's phone number as a contact, you know, when they took Jenna and June," explained Blake.

The befuddlement did not leave Cameron's face. "Why Amelia? What about her parents?"

Blake and Amelia exchanged a glance, realizing that the latter's brother had been standing too far back in the crowd to have seen what happened. Not only that but Blake and Amelia both stayed longer to exchange info with paramedics, while everyone else, Cameron included, was escorted out of the building. The two met Cameron in the nearby park but hadn't yet explained what happened in that hallway.

Blake still remembered the brief exchange all too clearly, and the unsettling memory forced a tiny shiver onto his back.

"Blake...it's just like what happened to mom."

"Wait, what? What do you mean?"

"She was...she coughed up blood too."

"Hold on, when did this happen?"

"Last, last night."

"Why didn't you tell me?! This morning, something was wrong. I didn't ask...you should have told me, June."

His hand was already on his shorts, and soon his hand was taking hold the denim with tightened fists. More than anything, he was frustrated with himself.

Good thing Amelia recanted the whole story to Cameron, since she'd been close enough to hear the exchanges.

"Oh my-" Cameron stopped himself before he could finish that statement. His furrowed brows and gaped mouth said it all even prior to his question, "And she didn't say anything about all that? Not to either of you?"

In silence, both Blake and Amelia solemnly shook their heads.

"Damn. Just...damn."

"We agree on that." Amelia let out a heavy sigh.

Blake did also, but he had no interest in showing as much. Mostly, he was frustrated with himself. He knew this morning, during their walk, that something was off. June told him as much. But he didn't press her further, nor did she reveal what really transpired last night with her mother. Why was that? Was she...losing trust in him?

I know I keep secrets from her. Maybe she's doing...no, she wouldn't. That's not June.

A jerking motion caught Blake's attention. Only afterwards did he hear a melodic ringtone as Amelia pressed a couple of buttons on her phone before she brought it up to her ear.

"Hello?"

Both Blake and Cameron leaned forward in their spots; the former held his breath momentarily and waited for something concrete.

"Oh; hey Mom."

Blake puffed out some air. Not the call any of them were hoping for, he was certain.

"Sorry, no. I was thinking it could be a different call."

All three of them glanced at one another for the briefest of moments, knowing exactly what everyone else thought.

"They told you it was cancelled for the day?"

Blake could only imagine the conversation happening at this point. Or, at least, he thought he did until he noticed a very surprised look emerging on Amelia's face.

"Wait, seriously?"

Cameron looked just as confused as Blake felt, but without knowing what was said on the other side of the line, they couldn't make a lot of assumptions.

"Yeah, yeah......okay......oh, woah."

Blake knew Amelia would fill them in before long, but his curiosity about this unknown conversation continued to grow with each passing second.

"We're at the park, the one a couple of blocks from school?...no, Blake's with us."

Why was his name mentioned, he wondered? He about asked by starting to mouth it out, but the look on Amelia's face changed suddenly. She almost appeared taken aback, as if she could not believe what she'd just heard. With her jaw slightly gaped, she shook her head and said to the phone, "No, he's not. He's fine."

Blake had an idea of what had transpired on the other end of the line, but still, he told himself not to make assumptions right off the bat. Amelia continued to keep a disbelieved look on her face as she spoke more, this time with a slight stutter.

"Wendy's fine. B-but June...she got coughed on by Jenna. A-and Jenna collapsed after coughing blood on June, and I guess June's mom was sick last night or something-"

Amelia could not even finish her current sentence, as in the same moment she pulled the phone just a short distance from her ear. A couple of seconds later Amelia brought the phone back towards her face and tried to speak, but for some reason could not. And then finally, it seemed, she could breathe in and talk again.

"No, no, Mom, Cam and I are fine! We didn't knew what was happening until it already happened! Well, Cameron didn't know, but I did, and I promise neither of us got close! Blake didn't either! We're all fine though, I promise."

Blake could only imagine what was going on right now. Amelia and Cameron's mother Sheila was certainly interesting. She was a hard worker and very devoted to her religious beliefs, but she could be overprotective of the twins at times, and often acted the same way towards other kids also. Not always him, not that he minded much.

"Yeah, okay, Mom, we'll be fine." Amelia's sudden interjection into the silence pulled Blake back into the conversation-of-sorts. She paused when Blake faced her again, but then she spoke once more. "Yeah, I love you too. See you soon." Moments later Amelia pulled the phone away from her face, pressed a button, and set the device down on the seat next to her on the bench. Both Blake and Cameron had gazes fixated upon her by the time she noticed them.

"Care to share?" asked the latter. Blake rolled his eyes at the delivery but said nothing.

Amelia did not seemed bothered, however she did let out a big puff of air. "Um, so...school's cancelled for the rest of the year."

Neither of the boys could hold onto their disbelief or gasps of shock, even Blake was surprised by what he heard.

"So close to the end of the year?" he asked.

"That's what Mom said."

"What about final tests?"

"I don't know."

Blake tried thinking of another question to ask, but Cameron chimed in first. "What was all that about him and June?" He subsequently pointed to Blake with his thumb.

Amelia answered with just a tinge of exasperation in her voice. "She asked if Blake was sick, then freaked out when I told her about June...I told her we were fine, but I don't know how convinced she was."

"Sounds about right for your Mom to react like that," Blake noted. A quick glance at Cameron allowed him to see the embarrassed nod from his friend.

"Anyway, Mom's gonna be here soon to pick us up," said Amelia. "I think she said in about ten minutes."

"Wow. That's fast," Cameron piped.

Blake stood up from his seat on the rock, and grabbed his backpack at the same time. Amelia did not respond, but Cameron's brows furrowed with confusion.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"I'm going to head home," he explained to his friend. "Your mom might fret over me being sick or something. And by that I mean she'll do anything she can to convince herself that somehow I might be sick too. I don't want that kind of lecture right now."

Cameron opened his mouth for a brief protest but after some consideration, shut his lips and simply grumbled. Amelia didn't even fight the explanation, however, just sat and nodded her head ever so slightly. Blake knew their mother all too well, he knew it, and so did they. She was indeed protective of the kids in town, her own in particular. But strangely enough she didn't show those same mannerisms when it pertained to Blake. Not that it bothered him much, but he always thought it was a bit odd of her, especially since she had no problem with him hanging out with Amelia and Cameron so often.

"Anyways..." He spoke up finally after realizing he'd paused a while. "Mom might be home now. If she is I should probably tell her what's going on."

"Unless she got the call too," Amelia said.

"Yeah, yeah, unless she got called too..." Blake gave his friends but a curt wave as he turned away from them and headed for the edge of the park. He wouldn't be out of sight until he reached the corner and turned down the sidewalk. Soon as he approached the houses there, he picked up the pace, so that his legs almost propelled him into a jog. The excuse about Sheila seemed like a good alibi, but it was only to hide the real reason for his desire to leave his friends.

A strange hiss from afar garnered his attention almost immediately. He saw it easily amidst the cloudy atmosphere: a four-legged figure wreathed in gaseous shadow, slinking and jumping across rooftops as its gaze followed his every move. And it followed him too.

Soon he spotted another shadow, its size more comparable to that of a coyote, much larger and taller than the first one he'd seen. It stumbled less often and gave off amore malicious aura than the other.

Blake watched as two more appeared in his sights while he picked up the pace. Once he was only a block away from home, he bolted forward with all his ferocity. The Shadows following now had to catch up to him, while he reached for his keys. He thrust them into the lock and opened the front door of the house.

The door slammed shut with a loud bang but Blake did not care. Without a second thought he threw his backpack on the floor and reached for the scythe right he left it, in the corner behind the door. He took hold of it with both hands in an instant and backed up.

His heartbeat pounded in his ear, and he waited for something, anything, to happen. Blake held his breath as long as he could, and thought hard about what might happen, or what he could do.

Mom's car wasn't here. But she could get home at anytime. The Shadows can go through walls, but not as easily as they can move through open air. He wanted no surprises, and so positioned himself in the center of the open living room. During a slow rotation, Blake scanned every inch of the surrounding walls and floors.

Can this thing break tables and stuff? He fretted inwardly while looking at the scythe. He continuously spun around in the open space, looking back and forth between the scythe and the room over and over again.

A strange noise stopped him in his tracks. It was something like sludgy water flowing down a drain. And both his ears picked up the sound. After a glance downward, his gaze slowly lifted up, and before long his chin followed suite. A short snout wrapped in shadow, bearing two limbs affixed with sharp claws, phased through the ceiling with effort as though it attempted to pull itself through the wall. The creature's gleaming silver eyes and body pulled through as well and stared right at him. Blake ran out of the way as the shadow beast fell onto the corner of the coffee table with a pained screech.

When Blake spun around the Shadow stood on all fours and began its advance towards him. He already clutched the scythe with both hands tightly when it leaped right for him. He tried swinging it but could not do so in time and instead managed to only hit the creature with the staff. It crashed into a nearby wall but Blake still grunted with frustration.

You're swinging too late! he scolded inwardly. Okay, okay. Try to anticipate its attack and push harder with the hand closer to the blade!

He had no idea how to truly wield something like this, but at this point he knew there was no choice but to figure it out, and fast. The Shadow stood back up but Blake now had the time for finding a good defensive position. However he was not prepared for the gurgling sound to his right. Another Shadow tried phasing through the door.

Blake returned his focus on his current assailant, just as it sped right towards him. The moment it made its move, he already made up his mind and preemptively prepared himself in a swinging motion. With the right hand closest to the curved blade made contact with the creature's left shoulder. The momentum carried the scythe the rest of the way as the creature's sliced body disintegrated right on top of him. His breathing faltered a moment, but his focus lay more on his surprised delight.

"Oh! I did it!"

A gurgled sound from behind stopped him, and Blake spun about with a start.

"Oh, cra-!" An attack from the other Shadow cut off his sentence, though he managed to stop it with the staff. He didn't fall backwards, at least, and instead pushed against the Shadow with all his might. The creature jumped back in the same instance, but Blake wasted no time as he lifted the scythe high into the air, and swung downwards.

The Shadow jumped out of the way; the stationary coffee table did not. Blake flinched once the blade made contact with the wood. The furniture received a major crack as a result, and two of the legs bowed out from the stress of the strike. Meanwhile Blake stood in a frozen stupor, not at all expecting what just happened.

Did the scythe...can this thing-?

The brief pause in stunned silence prevented Blake from noticing the creature lunging for him, and they both tumbled sideways. The blade of the scythe stuck into the floor, which left Blake defenseless as the shadow snapped and growled at his face.

Blake could barely keep it above his chest, and its legs stretched longer than his arms. Small claws raked his left arm, and the pain radiated like a heat wave across his arm and chest, so much so that he felt the slightest warm tingle of blood trickle across his skin. Small claws from the rear of the creature nicked his side, a stinging annoyance at best that still bled at a slow rate. The jaws of the Shadow snapped a mere inch or so in front of his face; he swore he felt the creature's breath, a faint but foul odor that made his face wrinkle with discomfort. The Shadow opened its jaws in a long hiss while its claws once again dug into Blake's shoulder, amplifying the pain.

"Get off!" Instinctively he kicked with both legs as hard as he could. With a startled screech the creature flew up, grazed the ceiling and landed on the back of the couch with a quiet yet clearly painful thud.

In the exact same moment Blake struggled to his feet and reached for the scythe. The moment he grabbed the handle and pulled to remove it from the ground, the nerves in his arm flared up. He winced and groaned, but could not manage to get the blade unstuck.

In his periphery Blake noticed the creature shaking as if it had been dazed, before it crouched for another attack. As it leapt, he kicked out his leg. The Shadow squealed when Blake's foot made contact with its body and stopped the assault.

Suddenly something else began to wrap itself around Blake's injured shoulder and back, nearly throwing him off balance. He realigned himself with the stationary staff, and watched as a lizard-like Shadow with a length nearly two-thirds of his height wrapped around his arm and plunged dark teeth into his arm.

Blake yelped as a surge of pain coursed throughout his entire body. But so did the panic. Without a thought, Blake threw a clenched fist right into the creature's face. It let his arm go and released a shrill hiss in the same instance he used the leverage he needed to yank the scythe right out of the ground. With quick thinking and confidence, Blake spun and cut the lizard Shadow right in two. His hands shook a little, but he did not watch the dark form disintegrate and instead immediately turned toward the other Shadow he'd kicked away. It readied itself for another spring, but Blake and his blade were faster. It could not run away in time, and moments after his strike he watched the severed legs disappear before its body followed suite.

He wished for rest, but the fiery pain did not ebb; he barely managed those two last swings as it stood. Not only that, a raging burn ran along his entire spine. It was not exceptionally painful, but annoying enough that he took notice. Blake held the scythe before him, spinning about this way and that. His eyes scanned every inch of the living room, from the cracked coffee table to the moved couch, the closed shades over the windows to the droplets of blood littering the wooden floor around him. The burn did not vanish or even fade, but he also saw no sign of any more Shadows. His heart pounded so loud he felt his own pulse in practically every finger the longer h clutched the scythe. He just, waited. And he waited.

And he waited...

Seconds turned to minutes. Minutes, to hours, it felt. It was still daylight, but some of his surroundings soon obtained a very pale orange glow around the edges. Yet still nothing else happened.

The burning sensation now was not as intense as before. Still...Blake was on edge. The more time went on, the more his priorities shifted. He still maintained awareness of his surroundings, but the pain had become very bothersome. The status of the living room had changed, what with the blood and the table being the most obvious abnormalities, that he grew ever concerned about how he would explain this to his mother...except by now the focus centered on why she was not yet home.

Before long, night began its next cycle. And still Alisha had not yet returned.


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Sun Mar 13, 2022 3:00 am
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Spearmint wrote a review...



Hiya Otterpop, another review here! ^^ This was a great chapter as usual, with a nice mix of dialogue/interaction with Blake's friends and action. It did have a lot of content (which I'm not complaining at all about!), so for this review, I think I'll try a different style and write about my reactions to different parts of the chapter. C:

With the school cancelling and kicking everyone out of the building well before lunch, one would think that all the students would be nothing if not thrilled. But the nervous taps of feet and frequent gaze shifts told him Amelia and Cameron were just as apprehensive as he was.

It seems like things are getting more serious now, and the illness is starting to affect everyone in the town. I'm curious how it relates to the shadows...

"The ambulance took Amelia's phone number as a contact, you know, when they took Jenna and June," explained Blake.

Hmm, I would've thought the ambulance would have gotten one of the teachers' phone numbers instead of a student's? But I suppose Amelia is June's friend, and this way it's easier for Amelia, Blake, and Cameron to get information about her condition. Also, going back to my last review, I forgot to mention that I thought it was kind of June to try to help Jemma even though she was obviously sick and everyone else was avoiding her. June is an interesting character indeed...

Mostly, he was frustrated with himself. He knew this morning, during their walk, that something was off. June told him as much. But he didn't press her further, nor did she reveal what really transpired last night with her mother. Why was that? Was she...losing trust in him?

More likely, she just doesn't want him to worry. I like how you include these details about Blake and June's friendship; it shows that they care about each other, maybe to the point that they're reluctant to be completely honest if they think what they say will worry the other. If June turns out to be a genuine friend, I hope there'll be some scene where Blake comes clean about the shadows to her, and they'll realize it's okay to share things with each other. :))

"Um, so...school's cancelled for the rest of the year."

Oh dear... this reminds me a lot of covid-19. But on the bright side, I suppose Blake will have more time to learn about and practice his shadow-hunting abilities? ^^

"Your mom might fret over me being sick or something. And by that I mean she'll do anything she can to convince herself that somehow I might be sick too. I don't want that kind of lecture right now."

This part was intriguing. Why would Sheila "convince herself" that Blake was sick? It sounds like she has something against Blake and assumes the worst of him.

She was indeed protective of the kids in town, her own in particular. But strangely enough she didn't show those same mannerisms when it pertained to Blake. Not that it bothered him much, but he always thought it was a bit odd of her, especially since she had no problem with him hanging out with Amelia and Cameron so often.

So I'm a bit confused here... The part about Sheila fretting over Blake being sick (in the quote above this one) makes it seem like she does care about Blake and is protective of him, but then the part about convincing herself that he is sick makes it seem like she's suspicious of Blake. And then here it says that she doesn't show her protectiveness of Blake as much, but doesn't mind him hanging out with her children? Hmm... Did Blake ever do anything to make Sheila treat him differently than other kids? Can Sheila somehow sense that Blake is different, or that he can see shadows?

The Shadows can go through walls, but not as easily as they can move through open air.

I think it's great how the reader slowly learns more about these Shadows as Blake finds out more about them. It seems like they're semi-substantial creatures... I wonder if their solid-ness differs (like are some Shadows more substantial than others)?

When Blake spun around the Shadow stood on all fours and began its advance towards him.

So it looks like the Shadows are pretty disorganized right now; some appear to be under the command of that two-legged shadow Blake saw earlier, and some can be scared off like the cat-sized ones, and some just attack as soon as they see Blake. Interesting...

The furniture received a major crack as a result, and two of the legs bowed out from the stress of the strike.

0.0 So the scythe can affect solid items... How is Blake going to explain that crack in the table to his mom? Or maybe it'll provide a good start to the conversation I hope they'll have about Shadows.

Before long, night began its next cycle. And still Alisha had not yet returned.

Hopefully nothing's wrong... though the timing is rather concerning-- on the same day the illness peaks at Blake's school, his mother is late to return home...

Okay, so that's about it for this review. ^^ Thanks for another fantastic chapter, and keep writing! Have a wonderful day/night! =D




Otterpop says...


Always love hearing about your thoughts at certain parts as always! It is nice seeing so many perspectives on how people react to or think about the story. At the moment it doesn't seem as though I need to change anything for this chapter, and hope you come to enjoy the coming chapters when you read them!



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Thu Mar 10, 2022 7:06 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Otterpop,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

It's been a while since I read the last chapter, and I'm trying to refer here only to the situation of the chapter than to the general plot in general, because some things aren't as detailed as they were some time ago. Let's start.

While reading, the names came back to me a bit more, as well as a bit of the plot, but definitely need to catch up and go back to the previous chapters to be fully back on the tracks of the story.

At first glance, I liked the chapter. You do a good job of keeping the tension in check, especially because you present a lot of it at your own pace and also use it to show what Blake's priorities are and how a lot of it plays out chronologically.

The reading flow is very smooth and comprehensible. I especially like the way you sometimes show Cameron and Amelia's reactions without the story stopping in any way. The short descriptions you include also work well to the point here.

I would split the chapter in two, I think something that happens quite often in the previous chapters, where Blake is with fellow humans and sometimes alone. It's a nice change because the portrayal also changes from an extrovert to an introvert perspective.

In terms of the plot, it seems like we're getting to a bigger point. It seems like a lot of things have been presented in a more open point and that we as readers are given some more information without it being oppressive in any way.

Other points I noticed while reading:

"Why did you tell me?! This morning, something was wrong. I didn't ask...you should have told me, June."

I think, shouldn't it be "Why didn't you tell me?" here? At the beginning? Because I'm a bit confused here, because the last sentence assumes.

And he waited......

I noticed this a bit more here in the chapter, and don't know if I mentioned it in the chapters before or not, but inserting so many points seems a bit "overwhelming". Or let's call it that, it takes me back a bit to my school days, where I have to fill in missing words. I think only three points are enough each time. :D

Before long, night began its next cycle. And still Alisha had not yet returned.

I find the ending of the chapter a bit ominous but well constructed. The last few paragraphs give you an approximate sense of time and we are heading towards a new cliffhanger here. In doing so, I think you were even a bit poetic in the conclusion.

I definitely need to come back and reread the previous chapters before I continue here. Still, I hope the review was helpful. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




Otterpop says...


Hey Mailice! It's definitely been a while but I am glad you are still invested in my story, it means a lot; your reviews do help me out a lot.

The minor errors I can definitely fix without a problem! Your comment about the chapter splitting in two (as well as previous chapters) was a smidge confusing. Are you saying that I should split the chapters up a bit more, or that I am splitting them and I should or shouldn't do that? Just wanted to clarify!

Either way thanks for the feedback, and good luck with the rereading!





Hi Otterpop. I expressed myself a little wrongly. Sorry. I meant more that, as in the previous chapters, the chapter itself has two parts that separate each other. :D



Otterpop says...


Ahhhh, I gotcha! I assumed it was more of a suggestion and less a simple observation, my bad!



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Wed Feb 02, 2022 7:21 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hiya Otterpop! I haven't quite gotten to the previous chapters, but I was so curious to see what happened after the last one I just couldn't resist. xD I'll probably hop back to chapter 1 tonight and continue from there!

First Impressions
This was a thrilling chapter. I thought the plot was picking up at just the right pace. There’s a good sense of anticipation and build-up as more details about the illness and the Shadows were revealed. I can’t say I’ve much attachment to any of the characters in particular yet at this point, though on the whole they seem believable. I like that there’s some hints of complexity in their relationships, for example the perception of Sheila and the kids and also Blake’s doubting that June trusts him.

Characters

She was indeed protective of the kids in town, her own in particular. But strangely enough she didn't show those same mannerisms when it pertained to Blake. Not that it bothered him much, but he always thought it was a bit odd of her, especially since she had no problem with him hanging out with Amelia and Cameron so often.

I don’t know Blake very well, but reading this makes me think maybe Sheila knows something or believes something that the main characters don’t know yet? It’s an interesting detail that she’s not ‘protective’ of Blake but also doesn’t mind him hanging around her children, which doesn’t seem to suggests she dislikes him or anything. Sheila’s religious beliefs were mentioned, and since this is a supernatural story where the protag has certain powers, I at first wondered if she dislikes him because he seems . . . demonic? Or something like that to her, but also the above quote throws that into doubt for me.
The excuse about Sheila seemed like a good alibi, but it was only to hide the real reason for his desire to leave his friends.

Blake seems to be hiding more things from his friends, and it seems the way the story is going, his friends in turn are starting to hide things from him as well, like June. It could just be because this is a more action-centric chapter, but I found myself wondering more about how June was acting with him when she told/ didn’t tell him about her mother’s illness.
Blake still remembered it all too clearly, and the unsettling memory force a tiny shiver onto his back.
"Blake......it's just like what happened to mom."
"Wait, what? What do you mean?"
"She was...she coughed up blood too."


The flashback in italics is mostly dialogue, even though Blake is said to have remembered it “clearly”, so it’s a bit hard to contextualise it. (Of course, if this was in a previous chapter, maybe the reader wouldn’t need that extra context? I just think having the physical location or sensory detail appear in flashbacks or memories is also pretty neat and realistic c:)
Blake yelped as a surge of pain coursed throughout his entire body. But so did the anger. Without a thought, Blake threw a clenched fist right into the creature's face.

I’m a bit confused as to Blake’s emotional arc in the fight scene. From what I can tell, he’s not the most irritable guy. In the last chapter and this one, he mainly seems anxious or concerned, and seems to be a pretty gentle character who isn’t an expert at fighting? (For example, he’s still fumbling with the scythe.) I think I expected him to be more scared than angry in this fight, especially since he’s dealing with an unknown threat. So on a second read, lines like this seem to me a bit out of place:
With quick thinking and confidence, Blake spun and cut the lizard Shadow right in two.

Maybe Blake’s anger might come from frustration that things seem to be going so wrong for him, or maybe he’s mad because the creatures are invading his home. Might be interesting to explore that a bit more explicitly in this scene.

Plot and Worldbuilding
"Wendy's fine. B-but June......she got coughed on by Jenna. A-and Jenna collapsed after coughing blood on June, and I guess June's mom was sick last night or something-"

Somehow this reminded me of the Black Death. And come to think of it, the way the kids and adults both respond to it makes it seem very much like something inexplicable, with vague terms like “sick last night or something”. Although it wasn’t the major focus of this chapter, I’m curious about this disease.
However he was not prepared for the gurgling sound to his right. Another Shadow tried phasing through the door.

I thought it was interesting that the Shadows made water-related sounds when they look similar to animals like coyotes or dogs. It kind of makes them seem more unnatural/ supernatural in a way? Though it’s also hard not to imagine something like a giant blob rather than something four-legged once I read the word “sludge”.
Did...can this thing-?

I was a bit confused as to what Blake wanted to say in his head there. Was it ‘can this thing jump’?
Small claws raked his left arm . . Small claws from the rear of the creature nicked his side, a stinging annoyance at best that still bled at a slow rate. The jaws of the shadow snapped a mere inch or so in front of his face; he swore he felt the creature's breath, a faint but foul odor that made his face wrinkle with discomfort. The shadow opened its jaws in a long hiss while its claws once again dug into Blake's shoulder, amplifying the pain.

This section where the Shadow starts to really attack Blake somehow makes the Shadows seem more corporeal than they were before. Now they seem less like phantoms and more like actual animals, if that makes sense, having a breath with an odour for instance. I kind of like that there’s a bit more of a physical reference as to what they’re like in this fight scene, because that makes it easier to imagine Blake’s fear and the adrenaline as he tries to fight them off.
Before long, night began its next cycle. And still Alisha had not yet returned.

I like how it cycles back to his mother in the end. It feels pretty ominous and makes me keen to see what will happen next. She seems to hold quite a bit of importance in the story as well.

Style
"This is torture......"

I was wondering, is there a particular style you’re following that shows ellipsis like this? I think I’ve mostly only seen it being done like “ . . . “ So seeing so many dots kind of puzzled me a little bit and I just thought I’d open it up for discussion. :D
With a startled screech the creature flew up, grazed the ceiling and landed on the back of the couch with a gentle yet painful thud.

While I liked the “startled screech” as that seemed very visceral and reminded me of how cats jump when frightened, I couldn’t really imagine what a ‘gentle’ and ‘painful’ thud would sound like. Somehow I’d think that if this is from Blake’s point of view, he wouldn’t be able to tell if the shadow was feeling pain or not, since he seems not entirely sure of what these shadows are like. But maybe the ‘painful’ in this case is more figurative.
Not only that, a fierce burn ran along his entire spine. It was not exceptionally painful, but annoying enough that he took notice.

I’m not sure how a ‘fierce’ burn wouldn’t be very painful? Because somehow the image that popped into my head when reading that was like, a wildfire of pain, but the next sentence makes it seem more like a twinge or ache, which is a very different vibe.
Another thing is that ‘Shadow’ is capitalized in some parts, but not in others, for example:
The shadow squealed when Blake's foot made contact with its body and stopped the assault.

Vs
An attack from the other Shadow cut off his sentence, though he managed to stop it with the staff.

Is it supposed to be a proper noun? Like the name for these supernatural creatures? I’m a bit uncertain myself so I kind of just went with small letters when I mentioned the creatures in my review.
Something I liked was how the phone conversation was written. It seemed very realistic.
"Yeah, yeah......okay......oh, woah."
Blake knew Amelia would fill them in before long, but his curiosity about this unknown conversation continued to grow with each passing second.

I like how she repeats “yeah” like that and makes a lot of these backchanneling noises, but also it never gets to the point where it’s too much and it crowds out the story point she’s trying to deliver.

Overall
This was an exciting chapter to read, with a lot more shown about the mysterious creatures chasing Blake and foreshadowing for a bigger turn in the plot, now that we know Alisha still hasn’t returned. The supporting cast is believable enough and there seems to be something interesting going on about Sheila, but the main focus still seems to be Blake at this point, and I’m eager to see what the plot has in store for him.
Hope some of this is helpful, and keep writing!




Otterpop says...


I do love readers/reviewers like yourself who take an interest in some of the smaller details of the story. It especially helps when you consider ideas/concepts/writing styles that I had not noticed.

A lot of what you said definitely helps! I hope to remember or integrate some of your feedback into this chapter when I get the chance, and hope that if you do read previous chapters you'll take an interest to it! Thanks again and have a great rest of your day!



Liminality says...


Ah, glad to hear it was helpful! :D Have a great day as well!



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6 Reviews


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Wed Oct 20, 2021 5:55 am
Marshall2 wrote a review...



Hello, I really enjoyed reading this amazing story, and the whole thing was very interesting. I really liked the beginning part of the story "This is torture" because I am still a little confused, so I want to read more of the story and find out some more about what they are talking about and why they said it.

This story also has very good detail. "Seconds turned to minutes. Minutes, to hours, it felt." I like how I can feel, and imagine really well how the character is feeling, this makes the story a lot more fun and enjoyable to read.

I also thought that the dialogue was very realistic: "Yeah, yeah......okay......oh, woah." This also makes me feel and understand the characters much better.

This story was really good, so I couldn't really find anything that you could fix or add to your story. I hope you continue to write great stories like this in the future!




Otterpop says...


Thanks so much! Whether or not you may leave a review or comment, I do hope you might have time to read the previous 11 chapters as I put just as much care and attention on to them (and would make more sense of the story in this chapter!)

Either way I'm glad you found the read interesting and enjoyable, and will most definitely continue to write stories, this one and others!




Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson