Young Writers Society

Hi MaybeAndrew,
 
Mailice here with a short review!
 
That was an interesting chapter and the way you set it up I liked too. It seemed like you were moving faster and faster the sooner you got to the end, almost like a car that accelerates after it is started.

I thought you made a great start in indirectly naming the last chapter again and elaborating on what will happen next. (Also, quick compliment here where you wrote to me that a lot of the descriptions are real in terms of physics and how you managed to convey it in a great way). However, I also found, and this is probably my only criticism here in the chapter, that the beginning suffers a little from starting with "I" too often, which stalls the reading flow for at least the first half. It would help to reorganise the structure a little or to formulate the sentences differently.

The dialogue clearly shows that Matt has found his hobby and also shows where his areas of knowledge lie. It shows a different direction of his character and personality; passion and interest. Before, you only saw that minimally. I was very happy to read this and also show a strong positive influence that he has.

The dialogue also had an interesting build up of tension and I think that's why I felt the pace increased with the chapter; they build on each other like a staircase that you build without support and still go up. This fear and excitement is also evident in Matt's thoughts and narration; it's much more hectic because they are on the verge of a breakthrough that can change the world.

Overall, it was a very exciting chapter and I liked how you again described this kind of science in an easy to understand language.
 
Other points I noticed while reading:
 

Please, sir, I think if I undergo Destiny'ss Touch,

Here we have a “s” too much. 

and then atomic bomb style turned two keys on the control panel

That´s an oddly interesting description. How do you mean that? I imagine something like the giant mushroom cloud coming from the keys.  

"Mmmhmm" Was the only reply I could hazard.

Here it seems more like Matt is really enjoying something, like an ice cream or his favourite dish. I know what you wanted to express, but doesn't that become something like "mm". (I have now found this in such a sound thesaurus). 

The Dawn begins in 10, 9, 8, 7-"
If I die, those will be my last words, I realized.
"6, 5, 4, 3,"
Those would be some pretty crappy last words
"2, 1”

Wouldn't it make more sense to write out the numbers here for the countdown? 

Have fun writing!
 
Mailice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack!!

First Impression: Alright, so this was an interesting turn of events, I was expecting him to have some kind of demonstration of some sort, but it looks like he's managed to go ahead and convince them to somehow let him do the actual thing here as he searches for this answer.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Surfin' USA and the Rest Of Time and Reality

That sounds like quite a lot of surfing to be doing there...but also looks like maybe we'll get to witness a hint of some actual time travel...or at least some kind of demonstration of how this thing works.

With everything I've said so far, you may have the impression I have explained the entire science paper to you. That is incorrect. I have explained the first half. The relatively simple, easy-to-understand half. Well - it is by no stretch of the imagination, simple, but once I read the second half of the paper, the first half felt like a cakewalk. The second half was Charlie's theory about the nature of all reality, based on his and Dr. Scizan's discoveries while undergoing Destinies Touch. It was wildly interesting, to say the least, but it seemed to raise way more questions than it answered. Their theory barreled through the concreteness of time like a wrecking ball through a stained glass window. Our previously sensical solid time. The nice prim time had lived our lives in, was reduced to shards of light by their propositions.

That does sound like most papers on relatively big discoveries in science...and time is most definitely one of the more complicated, after all it technically doesn't really exist, its just another thing we humans invented simply to make it easier for our brains to understand things.

They then picked up these pieces and began to make a mural out of them, but I felt like they were missing a shard. Something was needed if you wanted to answer to all the paradoxes scattered around.

I felt like I was trying to make sense of a story without the middle chapter. I could feel my brain shoving ideas in the empty space, but nothing was working. If we wanted to make a new mural out of these shards of glass, we would need a new piece. I think I know where to look to find it. I set down the pad and sat back, looking at Charlie. He looked up from his work expectantly.

Oooh...hmm, well this is interesting, judging from how the other people here reacted to everything, its pretty clear they think that the theory is ironclad but it looks like Matthew here has somehow spotted something that could poke a hole in said ironclad theory.

"Charlie, you're an absolute genius. This is amazing." I said, glad to watch my friend's face light up from the praise, "This is world-shattering, but I think it's missing something."

"Thank you! Me and the Doctor-" He halted as he processed the end of what I said, "Missing something?"

"Yeah, a hole in the theory, and I think I know how we can patch it-" I said, almost grimacing. If I finished that thought, there was no going back.

He furrowed his brow and sat forward. I could see his brain beginning to speed up as if it had kicked into gear. "What kind of patch? Do you have a formula in mind?"

Ooooh, well I like how blunt Matthew was being there, avoiding any and all dancing around the problem is quite essential for good science...and the fact that Charlie isn't immediately denying things and paying attention shows that he also cares about this theory a lot and is willing to hear out things like this.

"Kinda, I can't quite say what," I paused. Guess no time's better than the present. "I know I'll be able to find it if you let me absorb the particles. I can't explain it until I've experienced the trance or whatever you call it."

"You want to do Destiny's Touch now?"

I sighed. Man, I'm dumb, I thought, "Yeah."

He opened his mouth and then closed it like he had hit an error code.

Okay...well that is certainly a request that can make on act like there's an error code going on somewhere...did I mention how I love seeing comparisons like this used in this genre...cause if not, here it is. I suppose he's fixated enough on solving this potential problem that he's not thinking too far into how it could potentially cause harm to his brain here.

I stood up, no going back now. "I need reality ripped open for a moment so I can look behind the curtain. I can feel the beginning of something, and if I just look in the right place while in there, I think I can get an answer like you and the Doctor has been able to."

Charlie stood up and walked around the room, rubbing his face, and then came back and sat down. "We weren't planning on letting you undergo the trance for 3 more days and then starting with negligible amounts of the energy to let you get used to it." There seemed to be an internal battle going on inside of him, with sides I at the time didn't fully understand.

Hmm, I love to see Charlie deliberating on that and making it clear that he was only going to be exposed to that gradually, something like that is far too dangerous for anyone to just randomly dive into without due preparation.

I was vibrating with terror once more. See, now they'll know you're a fraud. They won't let you go in, and if they did, it wouldn't change anything, a part of me whispered.

But if I'm right, you will never have a leg to stand on again. I responded to that voice. Oh, to all that is holy and good, I have to be right. If I'm not...

Then you're nothing.

I shook my head. I wouldn't even allow for that possibility. "Call Josh in here. I'll be able to convince him," I said, locking my jaw.

Hmm, well, another internal battle with his insecurities I see...that's continuing nicely from what we've seen since before the interview, and its good to see its not being forgotten anytime soon until he's properly proven to himself that he's worthy.

Soon Josh was in The Room of Ra. "So what's this, you ready to explain?" He said, folding his arms impatiently.

"Josh," I began with his first name, drawing me up to his level, "I need you to put me under."

"What?" He asked incredulously, his forehead becoming a pattern of angry lines. The terror came at me, but I pushed it away.

"Please, sir, I think if I undergo Destiny'ss Touch, I could find something. I read Charlie's paper, and something's missing, and I think if I go in, I can find it. I've signed the medical documents. I'm not afraid of what it might do to me," I said. At that moment, I realized I was terrified of what it might do to me. But I was so much more scared of losing this job. "Time is of the essence. You send me in, I will find it. I know we are missing something. I can feel it, but if I can go there and see it, I'll be able to get us ahead in the game."

Well, he's really going all in there with that pitch, gotta give him credit for that, its good to see that he is thinking of consequences inside his head, cause that is something that should be plaguing him but you can also see the conflict in his mind about how it could be good for the job playing on him..and that seems like a nice little dilemma in which Matthew would take the risky route to avoid being fired.

"You think you could make a discovery there?" Josh asked.

"Yes, I'd stake my job on it."

He looked at Charlie, his face set as he seemed to receive some type of message from Charlie's face. He looked back at me and nodded to himself. "Then you will. Charlie, explain the basics of what he needs to do."

Well, this is going along interestingly, I have a feeling that the line "then you will" isn't simply saying he will be allowed to experience Destiny's touch but also that he will lose his job if he finds nothing...its a very interesting choice of words if that wasn't what he truly meant there.

"But he has no training. It could be deadly!" Charlie protested.

"Charlie, we are teetering on the edge of the complete unknown. Training can't do much, and regardless, with what you saw in there, Charlie…." He paused and glanced at me, "Regardless of what happens, we'll learn something."

He still didn't look convinced, so I gave it one last go. "You went in there with no training, and you made it out. Let someone else have a turn," I reminded him, trying to make my voice light and threw in a wink.

Well, it looks like this experiment is going forward here, Charlie is showing a bit of resistance, but it looks like he's the only one and the arguments against him really aren't defeatable here.

Charlie bit his lip, looked at Josh, sighed, and then looked back at me. "Don't resist it, let it take you entirely, guide your path without going against the flow. It's like surfing. You have to ride the wave, but don't let it wipe you out."

I nodded but then paused, "Wait, you've been surfing, Charlie?"

He blushed, "No, but that's what I would imagine it would be like. But anyway, you'll want to avoid the places of extreme energy, and whatever you do, don't go into the radiance. You're definitely not ready for that."

Well...Charlie very quickly resigned himself to helping Matthew out as much as he could and forget about the argument there, probably a good decision on his part, this was only ever headed towards one potential conclusion.

I was beginning to really question my decision here. I could barely understand what he was saying. Waves? The radiance? It felt insane. I was just going to let them do this to me? Why didn't I just give them the best explanation I could and then accept training?

But I had to. If I was right, they could never fire me.

Well the motivation for him doing this very dangerous task is quite clear there, that much is certain.

Charlie and Josh both typed in a code, and then atomic bomb style turned two keys on the control panel at the same time. The door of the little box opened, and the light switched on. Inside was a white chair with straps, wires, and a helmet attached to the back wall. Charlie showed me into the booth and helped me get situated.

Soon I was sitting in and on the most complex piece of machinery I had ever touched. It was holding my arms and legs down and monitoring almost everything about me that could be monitored. Heart rate, brain waves, breaths per minute, muscle tension, radiation coming from my body, and other things I didn't even understand. That was impressive enough, but then came the helmet.

Well...you can't deny that opening up a device in that particularly style is just far too epic, and also probably makes sense for it to be secured with a system like that so no one person can make the decision to open the thing up and use it. The description for the device is pretty decent too.

The helmet looked like it might upload me to the mainframe. It was covered in nodes with wires snaking out from them and then connecting into one mass at the back of the helmet, flowing down into the chair. After I was situated, Charlie gingerly took it off the wall.

"This will both measure your brain waves and be the method by which we let the energy into your brain," Charlie said as he slipped it over my head and eyes. I felt it shift and make a very slight noise as it compressed around my skull, perfectly adjusting to the contours of my head. "We'll have you shave your head later so they can touch your skull more directly, but this works for now." His voice was muffled through the helmet. The helmet covered my ears and eyes, making it dark and quiet.

AHh, what is it with futuristic helmets and having to shave your hair off...gahh...anyway, that aside, loving these little descriptions so far except the one tiny thing that concerns me is how many exposed wires we've got here...judging by that description that's probably not particularly safe...but I guess since he's in one place, there can't be too many catastrophes for the moment.

I tried to shift in the chair but found all the straps and wires were restricting me from even the slightest movement.

I was strapped to a chair, unable to move, eyes covered, about to be exposed to extreme particles foreign to this reality. Yup, this was a huge mistake, I thought as a monster nervous fart escaped. I have never enjoyed the fact that in stress, my colin responds instead of my brain. But it was a slight relief to me that is that they were quiet. That would have been an embarrassing thing to have people hear you do right before transcending time.

Of course that happens right before this...why would it not be that way? I totally did not fall of my chair falling, what are you talking about?

"How do you feel?" Charlie's muffled voice came through. Evidently, he had not smelled it yet.

"Fantastic," I said, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

"Okay, then, I'll be outside the machine. You'll hear us through the helmet, but from here on out, you're on your own."

Well this was a fun interaction, although perhaps Matthew should've thought of some better last words than that...you don't want these particular ones to be on you tombstone.

I used to go to this amusement park every summer with friends. I claimed to love rollercoasters. I was super ready and excited all the way in the line, but when I sat down and the worker locked the seatbelts on, and there was no going back, all of that changed. I wanted off, and the idea of going over the edge became soul-shaking.

I felt the same now, but instead of being strapped into an extraordinarily safe and extensively tested piece of entertainment, I was locked into a glorified electric chair. I heard Charlie close the door and hiss as it sealed. There was a wonderful and terrible lack of sound. All I could hear was my pulse in my ears and my own anxious breathing. I was sitting in complete silence and darkness. The chair was soft and holding me up. So it felt as if I was just floating in eternal nothing. I was just a whirling pool of self.

Well...that sounds like a fun feeling not. At any rate, I really like the way you describe his emotions in this situation, it is pretty realistic to someone who's stuck in something quite this untested and about to do something that could potentially be as dangerous as this particular procedure is.

I wonder what they would do if I vomited? I thought as my stomach became an Olympic gymnast.

"Mathew, can you hear me?" Charlie's voice sounded crisply in my ears.

"Yup," I responded

"Okay," He paused. I could tell he was almost as nervous as me, "Are you ready for us to turn it on?"

"Mmmhmm" Was the only reply I could hazard.

Well...you can really see that nervousness settling in there...now I'm also starting to wonder exactly how long this thing takes to charge up...I've no idea how long its actually supposed to take, but it certainly won't be instant...hmm, well this should be an exciting wait to see Matthew reacts in the time before this is turned on and the actual device working.

"

I'm going to need a direct verbal confirmation." He said.

"Yes, I'm ready. Hit me with those little time balls," I responded.

"The Dawn begins in 10, 9, 8, 7-"

If I die, those will be my last words, I realized.

"6, 5, 4, 3,"

Those would be some pretty crappy last words

"2, 1"

Fitting I guess

"Sunrise ago." I heard a switch flip, and then, in my own poetic words, those time little time balls hit me.

Ahh, yay, there was a countdown, I was kind of expecting that to be longer, but considering the speeds these things are moving that probably makes sense...but hmm, I love how Matthew ended up saying some even worse last words there, poor guy really should've kept his mouth shut...

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this chapter is off to a nice start here. I loved the reactions from everyone, it seemed fairly realistic for the situation at hand, everyone reacted pretty much like I expected judging from their personalities in the previous chapters, and you've built a good amount of tension going into this process...should be quite fun to see how it turns out here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey!!Forever here with a review!!

Here we have the experience of first time travel, all the things and incidents happening before that took place.

Something needed if you wanted to answer to all the paradoxes scattered around.

Something was needed, I believe.

Something which I noticed is the repetition of the feeling that Matt is having after reading the paper. I do have a feeling that you repeated it more than required. Only one comparison would do that Matt thinks something is missing there. You don't need to compare it with two things.

Here we got a bit of Charlie's character. I do think Charlie is a bit overconfident about himself and this doctor interests me. We saw this doctor once but there are several references to him latter. I just wonder why he left the job. Also, we didn't see regret on the faces of the people when talking about him, I mean when they were talking about social things. He is quite an interesting character. Back to Charlie, I infer this from the fact that he genuinely seemed to very shocked when Matt told something was missing. That can be an indication of overconfidence.

"Please, sir, I think if I undergo Destinies Touch, I could find something. I read Charlie's paper, and somethings missing, and I think if I go in, I can find it.

What happened to the apostrophes? Apparently they managed to travel elsewhere. Anyway, "Destiny's touch" and "something's"

About Josh, I don't think his grammar is great. He does seem to have some grammatical problems. And also, not veryy humane. He literally doesn't protest or shows any sort of concern when Matt might die in the process. He too, like Charlie knows how the experiment can be. Also, he seems more concerned about the research than life of a human being.

The time travel seems to be tough but fun. Your writing makes the readers understand the feelings of Matt in the process. I quite like it. I like his sarcasm. He seems to be a bit sarcastic in general.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever