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Treasure hunting

by Buranko


Blue shades of red
Stretching over my frail
Mind; I can't
See, my eyes are
Thrown into the hands of
Blushing ribbons.

Then, out of the blue,
I see you,
Sunlight with a sunflower crown
Golden rays of priceless treasures
No longer hidden under
Tons of sand.

May my interpretation be forgiven
As the map you gave me is quite
Vague; you seem to enjoy
Sarcasm but sarcasm
Doesn't work...


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278 Reviews


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Wed Jun 23, 2021 12:43 pm
silented1 wrote a review...



Blue shades of red seems like an idea not a powerful piece of imagery.

This first stanza is very abstract. Can you ground it more? It sounds fantastic and is wonderfully experienced, but not understood. Try to make it both.

The second stanza works so much better with it's imagery being more understood but less abstract. So difficult to join the two if it's even possible. TRY!! DO IT!!

This whole poem is kind of mysterious and hard to read into. It has just enough of a base to put together some things but needs to be built from that base with some more ideas about the treasure hunt. It needs it to be complete and an amazing poem.




Buranko says...


Great tips but I am a poet who hates explaining and loves abstract ideas and imagery. I love putting together random words and to work with them. I love leaving the reader with the incomplete feeling you just felt. I am slowly working my way into surreal poetry. So there is no way I will listen to them. Sorry if I sound a little too blunt.



silented1 says...


Not a problem do it! That's awesome.



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Wed Jun 23, 2021 12:30 am
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MapleWay wrote a review...



Hey there! MapleWay here dropping by with a quick review!

This poem was amazing! You used imagery in such a breathtaking way! Especially with the colors. It gave e such a great picture of what was happening.

Golden rays of priceless treasures

This part had to be my favorite. It gave me such an amazing picture in my mind. My first thought when reading this was a treasure chest in a hidden cove with rays of golden sunset light bursting in through a single crack. Illuminating the golden coins and jewels inside.

Anyways great poem! Can't wait to see the next!

- Maple




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Tue Jun 22, 2021 10:47 pm
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chikara wrote a review...



Ahh hello there Buranko!

First things first, I really love this poem! It has a lot of imagery that I'm really a fan of, and most of it just has this aesthetic that is really pleasing. The theme is also really interesting, I imagined it as someone declaring their love for something that can't love them back (and my thoughts were furthered by the title choice and second stanza mentioning sunlight), which is something I haven't really seen in a poetic way like this before.

I also connect that with the lines of~

my eyes are
Thrown into the hands of
Blushing ribbons.


The first thing I thought of here was phosphenes, because the meaning of that is something similar to specks of light produced by a pressure on the eyeball or direct stimulation. From searching and my own experiences, the descriptions of something blushing and it being similar to that of ribbons really matches what it's like, and of course, the sunlight being mentioned in the next stanza brings it all together for me.

There's also the occurrence of seeing a dark red shade when closing your eyes too, which could also work. That is mainly produced by the sun shining on the eyelid and having all of my blood vessels show through, which could also work well with the idea being created of the ribbons being blushing or more on the warm side of the colour spectrum.

Then we move onto the last stanza~
May my interpretation be forgiven
As the map you gave me is quite
Vague;


I agree with the other reviewer about this section. It's quite fitting for what's happened before this in the timeline I created. I imagine that if we are continuing with the idea that the narrator fell in love with something that can't love them back, this could symbolize the struggle of actually trying to fall out of that tough situation. It's hard to do that when it's a real figure, but it would probably be even worse in that scenario.

Then, it goes into sarcasm. This part could mean a lot, and I think it was a good choice ending where you did, but it leaves me feeling incomplete. I think that's a cool thing to work with, but a part of me wants to see what else could happen. My main suggestion is just to try to expand on the sarcasm part because it's at the most important area in poetry, or work more with your general idea instead of leaving it like that.

Overall, this was really neat!

Cheers!




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Tue Jun 22, 2021 10:16 pm
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mordax wrote a review...



Hey there, mordax here with a review! Let's get started.

Blue shades of red

I love this. It seems a bit backwards yet it makes so much sense to me and these words put like this is almost decadent.

Thrown into the hands of
Blushing ribbons.

I also loveeee this. Something about the way it is worded, and the phrase "blushing ribbons" seems both bashful and soft. It's almost delicate in this vulnerable way.

May my interpretation be forgiven
As the map you gave me is quite
Vague;

I'm not sure what your meaning with these lines were (that's the beauty of poetry, after all, finding your own meaning), but I saw it as very fitting. To me, it was almost in tangent with what I just said, finding your own meaning and interpretation in art and almost feeling like you lost what the author meant along the way despite finding meaning in it regardless.

Overall, this was a very vivid poem. Reading it was like being splashed with colors, blues, reds, pinks, and yellows. It was elegant and refined and I absolutely loved it.

Great job and keep writing!!

Mordax





I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother