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Karina and Lynette

by VolcanoSpirit


Karina sits outside on the bench in silence, feeling the heat on her arms. Lynette takes a seat next to her and licks an ice cream cone. They both face straight forward, Lynette’s eyes darting around every so often.

“It’s a nice day today,” Lynette states.

“Yes, it is.” Karina answers.

“Do you like bunnies?”

“Mhm.” Karina nods.

“That cloud looks like a bunny.” Lynette points upwards. Karina doesn’t look but nods her head.

Lynette licks her ice cream again. “Can I go to the movies later? There’s a new movie and my friends say it’s the best movie they’ve seen in years!”

Karina blinks.

“I’m really looking forward to it. What was your favorite movie a long time ago?”

“I can’t think about that right now.”

“Ok…”

“When I saw it I couldn’t believe my eyes.” Karina says, crossing her legs.

Lynette looks down at a red flower.

“I just want to know why.”

Lynette fiddles with her fingernails.

“Are you going to tell me?”

“It doesn’t matter. That’s in the past now.”

“I need to know why, because this will trouble me every day if I don’t know.”

“It has nothing to do with you.” Lynette scratches her arm.

“Of course this has something to do with me, Lynette. This is about your future!” Karina looks straight at Lynette. Lynette puts her hands in her pockets and kicks a rock. She looks around and stares at a leaf on a tree.

“It’s my life, not yours. I can deal with my own problems.”

“I don’t want to live my own life worrying about your life.”

“Then, don’t worry about me.”

Karina exhales and crosses her arms.

“It’s my job to worry about you. Your problems are my problems so please tell me what happened.”

“I don’t want to. Leave me alone.” Lynette stands up and throws her leftover ice cream in the trash. Karina follows her.

“Let me help you fix this. I can contact them if they made a mistake.”

“Go away.”

“If you want, I can complain to them and they might give you something better.”

“I don’t need any help, and I can do this alone. It’s my life.” Lynette walks a little faster.

“If you really want to ruin your life then go ahead, but I’m trying to support you through these high school years.”

“And what happens after you help me? The grade wouldn’t change.”

Karina holds Lynette’s hand. Lynette freezes. “Will you please tell me what happened?”

“If I tell you would you go away?”

“It’s okay if you were the one that messed up, I’ll help you.”

“When will you stop bothering me?”

“Because I know that you’ve never failed before, and this is very important.”

“Would you really help me, or would you be disappointed in me?”

“You should know this is for the future.”

“Yes, the future. Everything is for the future, and the present never matters.”

Karina leads them under a tree.”This is serious. Talk to your teacher.”

“If it gets me away from you, gladly.” Lynette rubs the back of her neck and grabs a tree branch.

“When I was your age I accepted help when it was offered. These days no one cares anymore.”

“These days we live in the moment and make use of our time by not stressing over the far future.”

Karina looks at Lynette intensely, then shakes her head. “If you don’t care about your own life then I don’t care either. Your life is your life, so do whatever you want and face the consequences later.”

Lynette snaps the branch in half. “I’ll do what I have to do and worry for myself.” She sits down at the base of the tree. Karina sits down next to her and Lynette starts fiddling with the grass.

“Anytime anywhere, call me for help ok?” Karina smiles.

“I’ll never need it.”

“You know, if you want me to confront the school, then-”

“Can we stop now?”

Karina sighs. “You’ll have to face the truth eventually, Lynette.”

“I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk.”

“You’re being really stubborn, do you know that?”

“You’re being really persistent, do you know that?”

“You know what? I’m done. Until you catch up and do better, you aren’t allowed to hang out with your friends.”

Lynette’s eyes widen. She opens her mouth and closes it twice, then starts pulling the grass.

“And if I catch you trying to sneak out, I’ll confiscate your phone too.”

Lynette curls up into a ball, burying her face in her shirt and covering her ears. Karina looks down and closes her eyes. She takes a deep breath and looks at Lynette, who hasn’t moved, so she stands up and heads for the ice cream store. 


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Sat May 22, 2021 8:52 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi VolcanoSpirit,

Mailice here with a short review! :D


Karina sits outside on the bench in silence, feeling the heat on her arms. Lynette takes a seat next to her and licks an ice cream cone.


Your first paragraph is like the face you are shown when you meet someone. I like how you introduce Karina and Lynette and it's easy to picture the scene. But I also think you're a little too direct with the first paragraph, and it makes it feel a little bare. I think with some rewording you could make it a very dynamic beginning, for example: "It was quiet outside as Karina sat on the bench feeling the heat on her arms. With a lick of the ice cream cone, Lynette sat down next to her."

She looks around and stares at a leaf on a tree.


I like the detail here that you put in that this is a single leaf. To me it represents Lynette having a kind of tunnel vision and not seeing everything that is around her except for what she is focusing on.

"If I tell you would you go away?"
"It's okay if you were the one that messed up, I'll help you."
"When will you stop bothering me?"
"Because I know that you've never failed before, and this is very important."
"Would you really help me, or would you be disappointed in me?
"You should know this is for the future."
"Yes, the future. Everything is for the future, and the present never matters."


I really like the dynamic you present here in the dialogue. It feels convincing and real, which I think gives the story a slant towards reality. Here, though, I think the story goes a little too much in circles. I know what you want to create, but here it's a bit too much for my taste and I think you could remove some of the dialogue. Also, at some point one loses track of who is talking.

Your story is very interesting. The main action revolves around the bench and the tree in this square, which I like. It seems like a great play because of the dialogues, which also gives it a good structure. The two characters also seem interesting and I would conclude that Karina and Lynette are a mother-daughter team. You could perhaps make that a little clearer in the text.

I also like the fact that you don't immediately find out what exactly the problem is between Karina and Lynette. It's only ever hinted at but you don't go into it in any depth. What I also like is the way you portray Lynette. She seems like a teenage girl who, after receiving something (in this case ice cream), asks for more. At some points she seems a little stubborn, which you have described well.

What I would add as a small addition would be some descriptions about the area where they are. I strongly suspect that the conversation they're having is an important conversation about the future that they're having in the summer. I would go into a bit more detail there instead of just showing it off through the brief comments like the ice cream.

In summary, it was an interesting short story.

Have fun writing it!

Mailice.




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Wed May 19, 2021 1:30 am
Rodionandaxe wrote a review...



Hi! I am here for a review,

First of all, your story is really realistic. It's like i am sitting on a branch of a nearby tree and watching as the scene unfolds. The dialogues are very natural, nothing seems forced and the conversation is engaging.

I really like the way you describe the little actions in between the dialogues, it creates a better picture. The little things that Lynette does like at first she is just beating around the bush then when she is a little nervous she fiddles with things. I like the part where you mention her looking at a red flower, it emphasizes her embarrassment or awkwardness.

The way you have potrayed Karina as a responsible guardian figure is really good. Her gestures of being disinterested in the small talk is very well dipicted. The way she blinks and nods or just answers in one word. Then she confronts Lynette and is visibly irritated when Lynette refuses to answer straightaway. I interpret that Karina isn't that mature herself as she clearly shows a bit of sympathy in the beginning by straight up offering to fix the grade rather than the source of the problem. It's apparent that she is aware of the awkwardness and is hesitant to face it. If perhaps she was an experienced adult she wouldn't have offered that sort help, I am stating this simply out of my experience. The adults I know don't usually hesitate to dive into the source of a problem for the sake of avoiding uneasiness.

Towards the end as Karina gets more assertive, Lynette gets more stubborn as she realizes her chances at avoiding the answer is low and she fears that the actual reason of the bad grade could mean harsh consequences. This makes it clear that they are close, the fact that Karina is so sincerely concerned about Lynette and that Lynette values Karina's goodwill so she consistently refuses to answer in the fear of losing it perhaps.

This is what I understood from reading this piece, but I think this has potential of having more chapters. In fact you can make the reason of Lynette's bad grade and constant stubborn denial something completely unexpected and add a twist to the story if you wish to write more of it.

The ending is nice. Karina's final decision and Lynette's despair at the time feel very apt for the situation. I honestly feel sad for Lynette because academic failures are something dreadful for someone who isn't used to it, but I feel equal sympathy for Karina as she too was in a difficult position. These are really good characters whose personalities you have revealed admirably.

A little suggestion if you don't mind,
I find the dialogues a bit difficult to keep track of, as to who is speaking when. It was only when I read it twice did I figure out who was speaking what towards the beginning. Maybe you could add a bit more details to make it clear. The descriptions that you have given are brief, maybe you could elaborate a little more. A little imagery and metaphor here and there would make the piece more interesting. Otherwise it's well done.

Good job. Keep writing such engaging pieces :)



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Thank you so much!



Rodionandaxe says...


<3



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Tue May 18, 2021 3:26 pm
TheWordsOfWolf wrote a review...



I am quite confused by this. Although I am new to the site so its possible I haven't seen earlier installments of a series that uses these characters. It leaves me with several questions, and points.
1. What is the relationship between Karina and Lynette? I assume mother and daughter but its a bit unclear.
2. What is this problem they keep talking about?
3. Lynette acts much younger than a typical high school student would.
4. you have a few grammatical errors as well but I won't point each one out specifically at the moment.
Your story does have me intrigued to know more about the characters backstories and the dynamics of their lives. I look forward to seeing more in the future.



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Thanks for the review!




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