Hi VolcanoSpirit,
Mailice here with a short review! 
Karina sits outside on the bench in silence, feeling the heat on her arms. Lynette takes a seat next to her and licks an ice cream cone.
Your first paragraph is like the face you are shown when you meet someone. I like how you introduce Karina and Lynette and it's easy to picture the scene. But I also think you're a little too direct with the first paragraph, and it makes it feel a little bare. I think with some rewording you could make it a very dynamic beginning, for example: "It was quiet outside as Karina sat on the bench feeling the heat on her arms. With a lick of the ice cream cone, Lynette sat down next to her."
She looks around and stares at a leaf on a tree.
I like the detail here that you put in that this is a single leaf. To me it represents Lynette having a kind of tunnel vision and not seeing everything that is around her except for what she is focusing on.
"If I tell you would you go away?"
"It's okay if you were the one that messed up, I'll help you."
"When will you stop bothering me?"
"Because I know that you've never failed before, and this is very important."
"Would you really help me, or would you be disappointed in me?
"You should know this is for the future."
"Yes, the future. Everything is for the future, and the present never matters."
I really like the dynamic you present here in the dialogue. It feels convincing and real, which I think gives the story a slant towards reality. Here, though, I think the story goes a little too much in circles. I know what you want to create, but here it's a bit too much for my taste and I think you could remove some of the dialogue. Also, at some point one loses track of who is talking.
Your story is very interesting. The main action revolves around the bench and the tree in this square, which I like. It seems like a great play because of the dialogues, which also gives it a good structure. The two characters also seem interesting and I would conclude that Karina and Lynette are a mother-daughter team. You could perhaps make that a little clearer in the text.
I also like the fact that you don't immediately find out what exactly the problem is between Karina and Lynette. It's only ever hinted at but you don't go into it in any depth. What I also like is the way you portray Lynette. She seems like a teenage girl who, after receiving something (in this case ice cream), asks for more. At some points she seems a little stubborn, which you have described well.
What I would add as a small addition would be some descriptions about the area where they are. I strongly suspect that the conversation they're having is an important conversation about the future that they're having in the summer. I would go into a bit more detail there instead of just showing it off through the brief comments like the ice cream.
In summary, it was an interesting short story.
Have fun writing it!
Mailice.
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
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