Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd give it a review to bump it out!
This was a very poignant and emotional piece. I like the length of it; it was just a snippet, but it was a really moving one. It really makes you wonder what other trauma this narrator has sustained and if this is commonplace in their household. I think the narrator's internal reactions and physical reactions both spoke of abuse, and that characterization was really key in making this the great story it was.
One thing I liked about this was how you characterized the people in this story. It was interesting to see how since the mother of the family was abused, she in turn projected it on her child. I think it showed how that originally, people try to be good, but can turn bad due to external circumstances. I like the way you detailed how there was a shift in the mother's eyes to something more sinister because her husband had been abusing her. It's very heavy subject matter, but I think you handled it well and portrayed it realistically.
One thing I noticed was that there seemed to be a lot of run-on sentences in your draft. I know they can sometimes be used to convey frantic actions or panic/moments with high emotions, but I feel like when used in abundance, they can clog up the draft and make it seem unprofessional. I recommend putting periods after complete thoughts, and also reading up on other types of punctuation to use as well. Semicolons are really useful for two separate sentences that are still on the same topic, and with the correct usage, your work could be really elevated by them, I think.
I also think if you were to do more with this story, expanding it might be good. It didn't really have a plotline to it, and only kept my interest because it was short. It might be good to establish certain things (like who is the narrator, how old are they, is the abuse a regular occurrence, how is their relationship with their mom normally, etc.) and also maybe show some of their other life that isn't at home. You tossed the readers right in, and it might be good to include some exposition. You know, just if you decide to expand it.
Overall: nice work! I think you crafted a nice snippet of a story, and with a bit more polishing, it could be even better! I hope to read more of your work soon. Until next time!
Points: 81482
Reviews: 672
Donate