Young Writers Society

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd give it a review to bump it out!

This was a very poignant and emotional piece. I like the length of it; it was just a snippet, but it was a really moving one. It really makes you wonder what other trauma this narrator has sustained and if this is commonplace in their household. I think the narrator's internal reactions and physical reactions both spoke of abuse, and that characterization was really key in making this the great story it was.

One thing I liked about this was how you characterized the people in this story. It was interesting to see how since the mother of the family was abused, she in turn projected it on her child. I think it showed how that originally, people try to be good, but can turn bad due to external circumstances. I like the way you detailed how there was a shift in the mother's eyes to something more sinister because her husband had been abusing her. It's very heavy subject matter, but I think you handled it well and portrayed it realistically.

One thing I noticed was that there seemed to be a lot of run-on sentences in your draft. I know they can sometimes be used to convey frantic actions or panic/moments with high emotions, but I feel like when used in abundance, they can clog up the draft and make it seem unprofessional. I recommend putting periods after complete thoughts, and also reading up on other types of punctuation to use as well. Semicolons are really useful for two separate sentences that are still on the same topic, and with the correct usage, your work could be really elevated by them, I think.

I also think if you were to do more with this story, expanding it might be good. It didn't really have a plotline to it, and only kept my interest because it was short. It might be good to establish certain things (like who is the narrator, how old are they, is the abuse a regular occurrence, how is their relationship with their mom normally, etc.) and also maybe show some of their other life that isn't at home. You tossed the readers right in, and it might be good to include some exposition. You know, just if you decide to expand it.

Overall: nice work! I think you crafted a nice snippet of a story, and with a bit more polishing, it could be even better! I hope to read more of your work soon. Until next time!

Hi AilahEvelynMae,

Mailice here with a short story!

It's nice that you share with us a short story you wrote a few years ago. Surely there are some differences and improvements in your writing style over the years. So I'll focus here more on some points that I noticed while reading.

I see where you are going with the story and I also like the way you try to describe and present it. I think it gives the reader in this short story the approach to understand what is behind the words and what message is actually trying to be said.

I also find, however, that a lot happens between the lines and some things are not addressed at all, so that some questions remain unanswered even after you have finished reading. Based on the text, the reader notices that the father is a very violent (unemployed) man who often threatens and beats the mother. you show domestic violence here from the eyes of a child and also depict the situation of him going to his mother afterwards and being beaten by him.

That is exactly where I think you need to expand. The reader doesn't know if this has happened a few times before or if it's the first time. You only briefly mention that it is always the child's fault, but you don't create the necessary opportunity to build empathy with the child. Why is this time so special? Why should the reader find out here? Aren't there other moments that were just as special?

In order not to answer such questions directly, it would be good if you, for example, expand a little on some of the statements that fall in the story (it's my fault). For example, what does the child's room look like? Does it have toys? Has he eaten? If you describe that it's neglected, for example, you can think more about what's been going on in the family and how the story unfolds. At the moment it has remained quite superficial.

Other points I found while reading:

is my whole life is just pain and sorrow?

I lay awake, unable to pierce sleep. My arm burns from the feeling of the stairs, stair after stair after stair.

! Oh shut up woman I

tough why don’t you get a real job!”

My mothers scream.

focus I say to myself.

Why does she hate me so much, what did I do to her

Sorry commented by mistake!