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Young Writers Society



The Crowded Mountain (0)

by keystrings


Today is Malker’s birthday, although by his attitude, Hablex can almost believe that he’s been a six-year-old his entire life.

They are working on his honorary meal, pounding out an assortment of nuts and herbs across the kitchen table. Although this wasn’t a true requirement for siblings to complete, they wanted to do something nice for their mother.

Hablex takes a moment to pin back their hair. They had been finding dark strands among the utensils they were using, so they didn’t want any in the food.

Malker had their same hair color, but his style was to trim it down as short as possible, which meant that their hair was the culprit.

When they finish tidying up, their now adult brother rages in front of them, complaining about the fact that Iharli isn’t here yet, and that neither of them have packed yet. Not once has he offered to at least take his temper somewhere besides the exact area they are working.

Not to mention the fact that Malker was the one who wanted to go traveling to the mountain months ago, forcing them to serve as a guide, and for his friend to keep him from growing bored.

Their mother sits in her rocking chair, ignoring the shrill yells. That darn porch could handle her weight any day or night, although it would crumble the immediate moment someone else took that spot.

They wished they could have her patience, but Hablex learned long ago that their best strategy with their brother was to defeat him using his own antics.

“Ah,” they mutter, deciding to test their sibling bond. They drop to their knees, and let their head hit the ground.

A few second later comes the sound of loud stomps.

“Hablex?” Their brother’s face appears by their own. “Are you alright?”

They glance at him, hoping that their annoyance towards him is expressed. Judging by his grimace, their feelings are conveyed.

“Ha,” they say. “I’m fine.”

Malker stretches a hand, which Hablex grabs. They yawn once they stand up straight, trying to blink away the automatic thoughts that whisper how good sleep sounds.

“So, you’ll stop with being a brat?”

He squirms, his arms clutching at his head. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Hablex huffs. One barrier down.

Should they even look for Iharli? It is a fair idea, for who knows what kind of damage that child can be wrecking as well. They have to remember that both their brother and his best friend were adults now.

Their current behavior does not reflect that change, but it is a fact, and Hablex does not believe in ignoring facts.

Malker stands in the door frame, his eyes trained on their mother outside, who relaxes in her designated seat. Their father had built the porch

“If you had done this earlier, you could be just like her,” they say, poking at his forehead. “Come, let’s find Iharli.”

“I thought you weren’t going to do that anymore! I am an adult, you know,” their brother grumbled, rubbing at the spot where they jabbed at.

Hablex quirks their eyebrows. “Not when you annoy me like this.”

“Fine, fine,” Malker tugs at their elbow. “I doubt Iharli’s home, so we might as well head to the lake.”

“Hmm, alright.”

They squint past the sunbeams towards where their main source of water is, past the miniature forest that lines their village. Malker stamps out footprints on the light-colored dirt, while they sneeze with every wave of kicked up earth.

Hablex hops down from a short, rocky edge to meet soft grass. It always struck them a bit funny, how their small world shifts from plain dirt to plants to water, and then back to another surface by the time they wander outside from Yurav.

“Iharli!” Malker shouts, running to the small section of green that grows by the lake.

Their family calls it the Yurav Lake, to name it off their village, but visitors bring all kinds of names from their journeys.

A head pops up out of the water. Blinking water out of his eyes is a bemused Iharli. They can’t help but laugh at his futile attempts of pushing his hair back from his face.

Malker, without taking off any of his clothes, launches himself at Iharli, who sputters out a protest before ducking back under the surface.

Their idiotic brother is at it again, clearly.

Hablex sighs. "You two, seriously."

Much the opposite of Malker's entrance, they pick out safe spots to step, avoiding any damp patches.

By the time they reach where the two knuckleheads laugh, Hablex knocks on both of their skulls.

“Have you packed yet?” They peer at Iharli, who doesn’t answer and decides to stare at a distant rock.

That’s what they expected.

Hablex starts heading back to their house. They shout out over the shoulder, “Go with Malker, and actually get ready.”

They hear some mumbling and hope that means they are not going to be the one forcing them to gather all their supplies besides their own.

Reaching their house is an experience they still revel in, as the crimson paint stands bright, despite how old they had last layered the color across the front.

“Ma,” they call, standing a few feet from her rocking chair.

A quiet sound answers, from further within the house.

Hablex swings the front door open, running a hand down the sharp cracks visible over dark brown sections.

“Hello?” They knock on the few walls inside, hearing a murmur come from the furtherest on the left.

“There you are,” Hablex whispers, when they step into what used to be their parents’ shared bedroom.

But the left-hand side has stayed empty for six months now.

Their mother stares out a window, her hands stroking the bed sheets in a methodical pattern.

Hablex sits by her, grabbing her hand. “We’ll be okay.”

She stays silent.

They gaze at her appearance, cataloguing her stained gray dress, and her curly hair that stands in disarray.

“I’ll keep them safe, alright?” They pause. “I had my own journey at his age. Do you remember?”

Sometimes memories came easy to Elaysn Lirav. Other occasions, however, granted her to stretch towards floating butteries always out of reach.

Their mother decides to nod, in a slight manner.

“Alright,” comes an accompanying word.

Hablex hums a few notes, trying to soothe her back to sleep.

Tomorrow, they will leave for the northern mountain.

They would have to pray that all three of them will return in a week, as planned.


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278 Reviews


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Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:23 am
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi, Perks!

I don't think I've reviewed much of your work before, so this was something new.

I agree with alliyah in that starting with a birthday caught my attention. I also think the storyline and potential conflicts are quite interesting; you've definitely got me hooked there.

Anyway, I'll get to it. If I'm too critical, I apologise in advance; I'm only being honest in my review, and don't mean to offend you in any way!

Here's the thing; it's confusing. I had to read the story a couple of times to understand what exactly is going on. They're preparing for a journey to a potentially dangerous mountain, and (obviously) things may not go as planned. But that aside, this wasn't a smooth reading. I had an extremely disconnected feel while going through it, a feeling that things are random.

I also think you need to use paragraphs. I don't see why every line has to stand alone; it adds to the sense of being disconnected, and it's also impractical. Not because the lines can be clumped into one paragraph, but because there are insufficient descriptions in each of them, making them almost useless. I would have liked a description of the house, what each character did, etc. I was completely unable to relate to anyone or anything while reading. I suppose this is also because there's no action as of yet, but ultimately there isn't too much compelling me to read.

You've missed a couple of fullstops; I think you can easily find them and make the necessary edits. :D

So, that's all in a nutshell. I think I'll continue reading, to see what happens, but I don't know if I can drop off more reviews. I'll try, if you like.

Once again, I'm sorry if my review was critical. Just trying to be helpful. Please disregard anything you found unnecessary!

- Lee




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 6:53 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Perks!

Saw your chapter in the Green Room and thought I'd take a look at your new story! Congrats on posting!

I like that it opens in a birthday ~ that's pretty exciting, and draws me in at the beginning. This chapter seems to be mostly about providing a little setting on the mountain set-up and also showing the family's interactions.

There definitely seems to be tension between Hablex and their brother, but so far we don't know if this is due to personality clashes or personality or anything else.

Hablex seems like a really intriguing character in how you've described them - they're very young?, but behave very maturely and seem to be extremely analytical - this came out especially in the subtle ways they tried to manipulate their brothers feelings and emotions.

In this section,

They glance at him, hoping that their annoyance towards him is expressed. Judging by his grimace, their feelings are conveyed.


I thought Hablex seemed a bit removed from their emotions - like instead of their emotion coloring their interactions they have to think out their emotions to express them - just the phrasing there came across as almost robotic, or like they're easily removed from what they're feeling.

I love some of your little interesting setting details:
That darn porch could handle her weight any day or night, although it would crumble the immediate moment someone else took that spot.

^ I really liked that this could be read as the porch not being structurally sound enough to take the weight of others or just like the people on the porch couldn't take the chaos of anyone else being in the spot. For some reason I thought this was such a peculiar setting
detail it was well placed.

And then later you say,
Their family calls it the Yurav Lake, to name it off their village, but visitors bring all kinds of names from their journeys.


there's another seed for potential conflict / tension, giving some insight into Hablex's thinking as well. So far you've included little aspects of setting, but it's still not necessarally clear where the story takes place whether in a fictional or non-fictional, though I assume from the fantasy genre tag maybe it's a fictional setting?

That’s what they expected.

I think in this sentence it's not quite clear from that sentence quite what was the part they had expected was as the sentence before had multiple parts.

You definitely leave us on a cliff-hanger; "pray all three return"??? What is going to happen on this mysterious mountain?! Nice!

I think the chapter had strong openers and closers and for me the balance of dialouge and description was good. One thing I would have liked a bit more of would be physical descriptions and maybe a better idea of age for Hablex and their 2 brothers just to help keep the brothers from getting all mixed up.

Really nicely written chapter Perks! (I also didn't catch any grammatical / spelling things, so nice polishing!)

~ alliyah





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