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The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 3

by HarryHardy


Chapter 3

Tracking Targets and Making Plans

Evelyn hauled herself to her feat. Damn. Damn. Damn. I really need a medic now. Looking strong despite the crippling pain in her side had taken a lot out of her. Damn spell didn't even work properly. She took a look at the body of the unfortunate henchman that she’d decided to make an example of. Got what he deserved. If I wasn't so tired I might have... The low rumble of the van containing the rest of the henchman interrupted her thoughts. The van pulled out onto the street as fast as they could and disappeared in a squeal of tires. Good riddance to bad rubbish. They better learn to use at least a couple of brain cells.

“Clean this up!!!” she ordered and her men scrambled to do her bidding,” I don’t want any sign that anyone was here. Erase the lighting runes. Restore the cobblestones and wipe down those walls. No signs of spellfire. If there is even a tiny bit left when I get back....” After a few seconds to let that hang in the air, she walked to the center of the destroyed courtyard.

Giving them all one last withering glare to further emphasize her point, she concentrated. Headquarters. Headquarters. Picturing the moss covered walls and dilapidated door, she imagined herself moving there. There was a bright flash of green light and she vanished, reappearing in front of the old shack that served as an entrance point. The teleportation sent a fresh wave of pain through her side as she landed roughly on the sickly yellow grass outside. When I get my hands on her. She made her way slowly to the worn wooden door.

She put her palm on the center of the door. An almost imperceptible flash of red light later, the door swung open. It moved with a smoothness that betrayed the glamour placed on it to make it look abandoned. The young woman made her way into the house. It was bare of any furniture and the walls were covered in dust and grime. The only thing that looked remotely new was the large black door frame right in the center. A retinal scanner popped out at eye level on the side of the door frame and Evelyn presented her eye to the scanner. Once it confirmed who she was, a brilliant white light began emanating as the portal powered up. Without hesitation, she walked straight into it, involuntarily shuddering, as she felt the familiar cold tingle of portal travel. I’m never going to get used to that damn feeling.

She appeared in a bare hallway. It was lit in sporadic intervals by old and worn lighting runes. The concrete walls were chipped and bore the scars of several battles. Bullet holes and scorch marks from wayward spells had left their marks over the years. Making her down the well-worn concrete, she headed for the office at the very end. At the end of the hallway the last few feet had been patched up and repaired to be in pristine condition. It ended in a wallpaper covered wall with a large reinforced steel door set into the concrete. She knocked on the door and waited for Stevenson to notice her and open it. I hope he doesn't take too long. My lung won't last much longer. 

As she waited, her eyes roamed over the imposing door. It was inscribed with a very familiar symbol. A circle containing a book wrapped up by a snake-like monster. The creature still gave her the chills. It looked like an anaconda except with a head very reminiscent of a dragon. Its body contained several sets of large scaly wings. Its tail branched off into two tentacles that were covered in spikes and ended in two large fang filled mouths to give it three very dangerous mouths. Her study of the creature was interrupted as the door swung open with a mechanical whir. Steven must be anxious to hear the news. He normally takes much longer to notice anyone standing outside the door. Well I'm not complaining.

She strode in, her feet making no sound on the thick carpet of Steven’s office. It was decorated with several paintings and maps mounted on the wallpaper covered walls. It was the only taste of luxury in an otherwise rundown compound. If this idiot funneled at least a little bit of our profits into anything other than his own comforts... She walked up to his heavy oak desk covered in intricate carvings of various mythical creatures and waited for him to look up from the yellowed and frayed scroll he was poring over.

“Status,” he asked in his usual quiet whisper after letting her squirm for a bit.

Evelyn, emotionless mask in full effect, answered flatly,” Fail, sir. We could not acquire the case and we managed to lose our own.”

“Pray tell me exactly how that came to be,” he continued, his voice getting quieter, as he pronounced each word slowly and deliberately, like he was explaining something to a five year old.

“We were interrupted sir, by three individuals, two males and a female,” she answered, maintaining as level a tone as she could manage while white hot knives continued to shoot through her side. I really need to get this over with.

“That's not possible. There is no way anyone could have discovered that location. It was hidden much too well to be discovered.”

Yes, there is a way, you lunatic. If you had actually listened to what any of us said you would have realized that.

“Describe them to me,” he continued.

“The female was fairly short around 5 4”. Looked a bit like a professional gymnast. Red hair. The males were both around 5 10”, black hair. I could not get a very good look at them so I can’t be sure of any other features.”

“I do not recall anyone matching those descriptions but, since the lie detector has not gone off, I can’t deny you are telling the truth. So for the moment your failure will be excused. However, you must activate the trackers on our case. I expect you to get at least that case back before the day is out…”

Evelyn's face remained impassive even though she knew she had basically been handed a death threat.

“I understand. I will go after it. I will need a more competent crew this time. The lapdogs you provided for this mission were completely useless. They were knocked out before the fight even began.”

“You may take two of them. The others cannot be distracted from our other mission. The door must be found as soon as possible. It would do no good to have a key without a door now would it?” he asked.

“No, sir, I will take only the two.” said Evelyn striding out as quickly as she could. This is going to be a long day.

The long hallway had several passageways leading off from it, each one leading to a different section. She made her way to the passageway leading to the medical section. Arriving at the sorry excuse for an emergency room they had she made her way towards the cubicle where the “doctor” usually stayed. The fool better not be gone for breakfast.

Luckily for her, the man was inside and heard her come in. Dull brown eyes, peeking out from under a mop of messy blonde hair, fixed on her own.

“I got hit by an organ rupture curse. The generalized spell didn’t quite patch it up,” she said quickly.

“You were actually hit?” asked the man shocked,” How? By who?”

“None of your business,” she hissed. The nerve of this fool. She glared at the man, her emerald green eyes boring into him and causing him to wilt under her stare.

The man gulped  and immediately began waving his hands. A weak golden filtered around Evelyn indicating a few injuries in her arms, legs and a bright red glow right over the left side of her chest.

“I can fix the lung but I will probably not have the energy to fix the other ones,” he said.

“Fine, I'll do the rest myself. Now do it, you pathetic…” she snapped but stopped as her sudden movement sent a fresh wave of pain washed over her.

He muttered a complex set of spells and a silver glow appeared around her for a second before it sank into her chest. The nagging pain in her side vanished. The man, sweating profusely and looking like he’d just run two marathons in a row, slumped into a seat.

She stalked out, not bothering to even glance at the man. Evelyn made her way back to the main hallway where she took another turn and made her way to the ground zero for the ongoing operation. People were buzzing around like flies at a supermarket, poring over scrolls and staring at computer screens. Some were running around carrying files. Okay, which of these idiots am I going to take? Henson...bit of a gorilla but at least he has a few brain cells. Who else? Maybe Sharpe. Good with trackers that one. Or maybe Stephanie...Naa...she’s too fanatic about this. She’d never agree to come. She called out to her two intended targets.

“Henson, Sharpe, get over here!!!” Everyone in the room went silent at her authoritative tone. Two of the largest standing at a good 6 10” walked over to her while the others went back to work.

“Taylor,” Henson began,” Where are the cases?”

“Elsewhere. Due to the sorry idiots who were sent to the exchange and some...outside interference...we were compromised and both cases were lost.”

“And you’re still alive?” asked Sharpe.

“I had a valid excuse,” she shot back.

“Then why are you not out looking for them already?,” said Sharpe.

"That is where the two of you come in,” Evelyn said.

“The boss has told us to stay on this,” replied Sharpe,” he was very clear that none of us could do anything else. Your the one in charge. Do it yourself.”

“He ordered it himself. I was to take two of you and we have till sundown to reacquire the cases.”

“Sorry but I am not going to trust you Taylor,” said Henson,” Come on Sharpe. This will only bring trouble..”

‘Are you going to make me go tell him about your refusal to follow orders?”

“Not interested. And I think I said it already. I don't trust you.,” shot back Henson.

“I will not ask you again,” she said injecting some venom into her voice.

“Look. You were stationed specifically for the possibility of the deal going wrong” said Henson mockingly, “ and I thought you were supposed to be one of the…oh how did you put it… ‘Most powerful sorcerers in history’...Do it yourself”

“I was not lying,” said Evelyn, her voice deadly quiet. She allowed a light green glow to envelop her. “Do you really want to question my words?” The nerve of these fools. Henson quailed under her glare but Sharpe still did not look totally convinced.

“I’ll come,” said Henson quickly.

“Count me out,” said Sharpe, beginning to walk off. Really Sharpe? She lifted her hands and the burly man was flung across the room slamming into the nearest wall. Immediately, a wave of exhaustion washed over her. I'm still not recharged. Damn. Guess that fight took more out of me than I thought.

She stalked over to the man, held out her hand and made a grabbing motion, causing the man to cough and splutter.

Sharpe spluttered even louder, trying to speak, and Evelyn released her grip.

“I...will….co...come,” he managed in between large gulps of air.

“Good choice,” she said before turning to leave. No one even looked at the man struggling to get up. Henson helped him up and the two of them scrambled after Evelyn.

They made their way to the rudimentary tracking center. The tiny room was home to one beat up computer with a scratched screen and a barely functional mouse. She turned on the tiny locator that could only process three trackers at once, hoping that it was not out of charge. She fired up the computer wincing as a cut on her arm brushed against the desk. Stupid idiot we have as a doctor. I have to heal those soon. She proceeded to input the relevant code and a window popped up showing the location of the target.

“Looks like an apartment building out near the Zarate,” she said finally as the program processed the coordinates and spat out an address. “Near Gogoduy Lane. Not too far from here. Only a few blocks away. The cases are likely to be under heavy wards and all three of our gatecrashers were not your run of the mill henchmen. So caution should be exercised. However, we don't have much time to prepare. If we are not back with the case by sundown the boss is likely to get unhappy.”

Both men gulped at the thought. They nodded, identical looks of determination on their faces.

"So how do we do this?” said Sharpe.

“Last time I was in the mindset of overpowering those useless goons that were delivering the other case. And I was only expecting more mindless henchmen to possibly interrupt the us. This time I won’t be underestimating anyone. They will fall.” No one gets away with defeating me lady. I’m going to end you. Slowly…


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Thu Sep 16, 2021 5:29 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

Let's continue where we left off in the last chapter! This chapter definitely has more order and the focus is centrally on Evelyn. Since Evelyn was a bit less in the centre in the previous part, I liked that you put a focus there. It also confirms a bit that she is very determined and self-confident; you show it not only through her thoughts but also through her actions. Very good! I like that kind of dominance that she exudes and presents herself as.

Something I noticed in particular, now in this chapter, a big difference from your most recent story is that you're keeping with the current situation in terms of reading flow and plot. You try to adapt and it's noticeable here, for example, where the theme is also important for the plot and you build up a lot of descriptions and sometimes - in my opinion (I don't know exactly yet in terms of the overall story) insert important and not so important elements. In the most recent story, it's noticeable that you've decided to focus more on the strict flow of the story, but don't leave out the details, but keep them more in the background. It's an interesting development in writing style and I also find it fascinating what made you go down this path.

Another point that struck me was this vehement urge to reveal height. Already in chapter 2 it happened a few times that you present body sizes, but here it jumped out at me. I can understand that it has to have some structure in the agency, but it also seems very military.

I can't say which I like better, a bit of chaotic switching like in chapter 2 or this one. I think it also always depends on the structure. Because I compare these two styles like two different movies - chapter two is more like a motion picture, made to bring action and suspense, and to excite the reader / viewer. Chapter 3 goes more in the direction of being a TV movie, where the focus is more on a single character. This focus is very interesting and intriguing, and I am curious to see if this will continue in the next chapters.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD...I do seem to talk about heights more than I should in this one :D

Hmm...I believe I usually keep things to one POV per chapter unless there's some kind of specific sequence that requires everyone's POV to come into play in a short span of time like a fight scene or in chapter two's case, everyone recovering from a fight scene.



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 2:26 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey! Andrew here to review your chapter. This was a good advancement of the plot, though it felt a bit rushed. I like how we still don't know what's in the briefcases, makes me want to keep reading. I also find these explorations of the antagonist's perspectives interesting. But into specifics!

Looking strong despite the crippling pain in her side had taken a lot out of her

This seems like two sentences that were accidentally combined. You either need to change it too, "Looking strong despite the crippling pain in her side that had taken a lot out of her" or, since that's still clunky, just split it into two sentences.
Good riddance to bad rubbish

Bad rubbish is a bit of a tautology
The weird quotation mark space thing happens a lot in this chapter. It's not too bad of a typo, but it messes up the flow of reading and makes it hard to tell what's inside and outside the quote, for ease I'm going to list all the ones I found below
” Fail, sir

” How? By who?”

” Where are the cases?”

“ and I thought you were supposed to be one of the…oh how did you put it… ‘Most powerful sorcerers in history’...Do it yourself”

” he was very clear that none of us could do anything else. Your the one in charge. Do it yourself.”

Also, this should have a you're in it.
” Come on Sharpe. This will only bring trouble..”

So yeah, I would edit those.

A circle containing a book wrapped up by a snake-like monster.

Wait, so is the circle is the snake-like monster?


“Then why are you not out looking for them already?,"

I assume the comma after the question mark was a mistake?
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
Also, if you don't want these in-depth reviews on old chapters, just tell me!
Thanks, and keep writing
-Andrew




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!!

Hmm....ohh where did it sound rushed?
Thanks for pointing all those out...I miss so much of those in post. :)
Thanks again!!



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Sat Jul 11, 2020 5:06 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Harry!

Sorry this took a little longer than planned - work has been crazy busy. I know you're ready to post the next one of these though so I'm trying to catch up.

Ok, onto the review!

“Clean this up!!!”

Woah, lot's of exclamation marks. Personally, I think it looks better to just use one. You could change the verb afterwards to 'screamed' or something if you want to get the point across.

It moved with a smoothness that betrayed the glamour placed on it to make it look abandoned.

I get what you're trying to say here, but this sentence is kind of clunky.

It moved with a smoothness that betrayed the glamour placed on it to make it look abandoned. The young woman made her way into the house. It was bare of any furniture and the walls were covered in dust and grime. The only thing that looked remotely new was the large black door frame right in the center. A retinal scanner popped out at eye level on the side of the door frame and Evelyn presented her eye to the scanner. Once it confirmed who she was, a brilliant white light began emanating as the portal powered up.

Not sure if this is me being super picky but this section feels very 'and this and this and this and this'. Possibly because all your sentences are a very similar length? I'm not sure what it is, but it doesn't flow as well as the rest.


She appeared in a bare hallway. It was lit in sporadic intervals by old and worn lighting runes. The concrete walls were chipped and bore the scars of several battles. Bullet holes and scorch marks from wayward spells had left their marks over the years. Making her down the well-worn concrete, she headed for the office at the very end. At the end of the hallway the last few feet had been patched up and repaired to be in pristine condition. It ended in a wallpaper covered wall with a large reinforced steel door set into the concrete. She knocked on the door and waited for Stevenson to notice her and open it. I hope he doesn't take too long. My lung won't last much longer. As she waited her eyes roamed over the imposing door. It was inscribed with a very familiar symbol. A circle containing a book wrapped up by a snake-like monster. The creature still gave her the chills. It looked like an anaconda except with a head very reminiscent of a dragon. Its body contained several sets of large scaly wings. Its tail branched off into two tentacles that were covered in spikes and ended in two large fang filled mouths to give it three very dangerous mouths. Her study of the creature was interrupted as the door swung open with a mechanical whir. Steven must be anxious to hear the news. He normally takes much longer to notice anyone standing outside the door. Well I'm not complaining.

Oooft, very long paragraph here. Not sure if this is because I'm reading it online, but maybe chop into two sections.

“I do not recall anyone matching those descriptions but, since the lie detector has not gone off, I can’t deny you are telling the truth.

With all this magic you'd think there would be a more sophisticated way to tell if she was lying?

“And you’re still alive?” asked Sharpe.

Wait, is he serious? Was there actually a chance she would be killed over this? If so, this was totally lost on me and something you could play up more.

I'm struggling a little with the dynamic here. So Evelyn thinks everyone is an idiot and is supposedly super powerful... then why isn't she running whatever organisation this is? I also hope that Sharpe and Henson's hostility is explained a bit more later. I can't tell if they're afraid of her or think she's an idiot.

I was reading through your other reviews and I actually disagree with Cow - I don't think you need to tell the reader that the PoV is switching as your characters are quite distinct. It only really becomes a problem when you chop and change a lot in one chapter and that's not because it's hard to follow who is talking, but just because it becomes a bit disjointed. (Obviously not a problem in this chapter though).

I am intrigued by Terry's role in all of this. I mean, Harry & Rose seem like the obvious 'good' and Evelyn is 'bad' although all this insight into her thought processes makes me like her quite a bit (not sure if that's what you were going for?) but Terry's a bit of an unknown right now. I hope we get more of his character soon.

Hope this has been helpful!

Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Ahh that lie detector is a bit more complicated there. It has to do with runes set into the walls of the office. I was planning on mentioning them later but in hindsight it probably would have been better to do it earlier.
Also the hostility, you liking Evelyn...well if I say any more it'll spoil the story. (I think this probably spoiled it already)
Ahh a full Terry chapter will come around soon. Probably Chapter 5.
Thanks again!! These are super helpful!! Don't worry about taking your time.



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Sat Jun 27, 2020 12:25 am
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Cow wrote a review...



OK, LETS GO LAST ONE I CAN DO THIS!

To start, try not to repeat words too much! You seem to repeat damn a lot at the start, so just keep an eye out, that's all!

I'm liking the names, once again but try putting in a warning or something to alert the reader that point of views is switching or that a chapter is being told from a different character! That would be wonderful.

I would love to see you post in-depth notes on your wording building! What happens? How did the characters get where they are? anything like that, really! I would love to know the backgrounds of the actual world itself, while the character background you can just work on sharing in the actual story.

I am worried though that going through so many points of view may jumble the story. I tried that once and it didn't go well but feel free to try! Just keep lots of notes!

Otherwise, not bad. Good description, good names, and the dialogue weren't too bad once again! You seem to have a handle on your characters, which is always a good thing.

- Cow




HarryHardy says...


Thank you!!
I have a whole database for all my characters and a whole lot of worldbuilding going on behind the scenes. This is one novel out of many that will all form into one cohesive universe. Maybe I'll post it sometime.
Also I love the words damn and moron. I should try not to repeat them too often.
Thanks again!!



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Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:59 am
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JustPerks wrote a review...



Hello again, and thanks for requesting another review. I've found this novel pretty enjoyable so far, so I'm certainly curious to see where the plot goes next.

I think it's pretty interesting to get more of Evelyn's view here, especially as she seems to be established as a character on the "bad side" as compared to Harry and Rose as "good" and Terry seems to be in the middle. I think that Evelyn definitely seems to have her own way of looking at things, which means more of the "negative" vibes and the fact that she seems rather angry at everyone involved here, even frustrated with Steven, who I assume is her boss, and then dealing with henchmen that don't want to listen to her.

Not to mention that her new (kind of old too) goal is to get the two briefcases, and the eventual (re-)meeting between her and Rose/Harry or Terry could prove to be really exciting and a bit nerve-wracking. I like that Evelyn seems pretty confident in her stance here - she doesn't seem too worried at least in her own abilities, and knows her limits, such as being kind of casual in the fact that she was severely hurt, but she just wants some of her wounds patched up. I would say that her tone/view of things is a bit more serious and makes this section of the novel a bit darker/intense than compared to Rose/Harry views.

The contrast is nice, but it's a good point to notice, especially as to how you want this novel to be presented; i.e., more so on the action-y, light-hearted bits, or something a bit more crime-engaged, or serious-themed bits. One thing I would recommend would be to give the "doctor" a name as it seems like Evelyn has interacted with him enough times to sort of know who he is, and it's less tedious to write a single name instead of "the doctor" or "the man" five times in a short scene.

In addition, I think past reviewers have pointed this out, but the last section of dialogue felt a lot closer to "talking heads" rather than a dynamic conversation between three separate people. The last bit, including Evelyn sounding "deadly" and the like was decent, but I want a little more description/body language/background details to keep the reader interested. I think I definitely can catch a hostile tone from Sharpe and Henson towards Evelyn, in which I hope will be explained further, if it's a reason greater than simple jealousy for she has a high up position in this "crime/ish" organization.

Alright, I think this was pretty interesting, especially the fact that the view is entirely compromised of Evelyn and everything that she is now planning to do, especially getting the tracking device to pick up where the case can be. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next!




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for your review!!
The dialogue. Yeah a lot of people pointed that out. That's something I'm working on fixing in the coming chapters. This stuff I'll fix as I come back for the second draft.
As for the tone that's a really good thing you pointed out. I have to find a place for those to meet in the middle. That's one of the problems I have right now whether I want it to be continuing as light hearted or should it be a bit more serious.



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Wed Jun 24, 2020 8:46 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Hello again HarryHardy!

I'll get right to it. :)

The low rumble of the van containing the rest of the henchman interrupted her thoughts. The van pulled out onto the street as fast as they could and disappeared in a squeal of tires. Good riddance to bad rubbish. They better learn to use at least a couple of brain cells.

“Clean this up!!!” she ordered and her men scrambled to do her bidding,

oops, a little confused again--if the henchmen disappeared, then who exactly is she ordering to do her bidding??

An almost imperceptible flash of red light later,

This seems like weird phrasing, using imagery to convey time.

Bullet holes and scorch marks from wayward spells had left their marks over the years. Making her down the well-worn concrete, she headed for the office at the very end. At the end of the hallway the last few feet of the hallway had been patched up and repaired to be in pristine condition... As she waited her eyes roamed over the familiar door. It was inscribed with a very familiar symbol.

Watch out for sounding a little redundant! The double use of "marks," "hallway," and "familiar" here can have that effect. ;)

“You may take two of them. The others cannot be distracted from our other mission. The door must be found as soon as possible. It would do no good to have a key without a door now would it?” he asked.

“No, sir, I will take only the two.” said Evelyn striding out as quickly as she could.

I thought she was responding more to the key without a door thing than how many people she could take? So this reply of Evelyn's strikes me as off.

She stalked out, not bothering to even glance at the man.

Wow... there's something admirable in the way you've constructed her absolutely no-nonsense attitude. A little scary!

Two of the largest standing at a good 6 10” walked over to her while the others went back to work.

It made sense to give exact heights when Evelyn gave her report, but it seems odd that she would just mentally categorize people by their heights. It might be better here to use descriptive imagery, like, "They towered over the others" or something to show better show their height, not just tell it.

“And you’re still alive?” asked Sharpe.

“I had a valid excuse,” she shot back.

“Then why are you not out looking for them already?,” said Sharpe.

"That is where the two of you come in,” Evelyn said.

“The boss has told us to stay on this,” replied Sharpe,” he was very clear that none of us could do anything else. Your the one in charge. Do it yourself.”

Huh, this seems like a weird bit of dialogue. She has a valid excuse... to be alive? Also, I wouldn't expect that much backtalk from the others. I'm not sure what vital work they're doing that they can't help the cause with Evelyn.

Stupid idiot we have as a doctor. I have to heal those soon.

It seems to me like he was too weak to do proper healing, rather than too stupid. But maybe that just says more about Evelyn's character.

I don't have too many overall comments this time around, it was an interesting development along Evelyn's point of view. I wonder if she likes anyone or if she's always this standoffish. XD

Mostly, I'm curious about the setting. I felt good about the first bit, back when she was on the scene of the transaction. But while Terry's point of view from the last chapter felt very grounded in his house with the cat and the alley and such, this chapter just seems like it's bouncing around. Evelyn goes to two places in order to get to her headquarters, and then she goes to the tracking center and is preparing to go off somewhere new. I don't know if it's a lack of description that's causing the problem...? But I can't quite wrap my mind around where Evelyn is doing all of this, and if you could ground it a little more throughout, that would be great.

I think that's about it, interesting things brewing! And tracking from multiple sides. Evelyn claims to be highly powerful but yet she suffered much more than Rose did, so... I guess we'll find out! :D

Let me know if you have any questions, and have a nice day!

-Q




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
And yeah that's just Evelyn's character.
And this is all meant to be one main building. I guess my description wasn't clear. I'll have to fix that in the second draft. I'm just not very good at describing things.
Thanks again!!



HarryHardy says...


And answers to some of your questions.
There were two sets of henchmen but yeah it doesn't sound very clear.
And well they are actually doing some important work that is ....[spoiler alert](wink)



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Sat Jun 20, 2020 6:44 pm
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Seirre wrote a review...



Hello HarryHardy! I'm back for Chapter 3!

I really like that we're getting to see Evelyn's perspective! I'm feeling like maybe she's part of the bad guys, but I'm not entirely sure yet?

She lifted her hands and the burly man was flung across the room slamming into the nearest wall.
This certainly feels like a bad guy thing to do, not a good guy.

I'm wondering if this is one of those books where the reader is supposed to sort of like the bad guys? Because from what I've seen in this chapter, I don't dislike Evelyn - I mean, she seems sort of mean, but her work seems really hard and exhausting so that's a bit understandable.

I'm liking the characters we're meeting - you're doing a really good job of creating complex and believable characters within a short time! Rose and Harry are kind, motivated, and prize their friendship over reporting to their boss on time, and Evelyn is quick-tempered, impatient, and perhaps even a bit lonely. They're all different and they're all quite relatable. So well done on that!

My main critique is that at some points, during the dialogue, we lose some of the nice descriptions. For example, when Evelyn is having a back and forth between Henson and Sharpe, we more or less have dialogue and dialogue tags and that's it. You can try making it more engaging by adding more interesting dialogue tags (instead of "she said", something like "she uttered with loathing"), and by adding descriptions of the characters while they talk. What are their facial expressions? their body language? their tone of voice? etc.

Other than that, I've just got a few more specific comments that I'll go through!

There was a bright flash of green light and she vanished reappearing in front of the old shack that served as an entrance point.

Because "vanished" and "reappearing" are both verbs that aren't connected, there should be a comma between them.

It ended in a wallpaper covered wall with a large reinforced steel door set into the concrete, She knocked on the door and waited for Stevenson to notice her and open it.

Really teeny - I think the comma after concrete is supposed to be a period.

“I do not recall anyone matching those descriptions but since the lie detector has not gone off I can’t deny you are telling the truth.

Again, a missing comma between "off" and "I".

The man, sweating profusely and looking like he’d just run two marathons in a row slumped into a seat.

Comma between "row" and "slumped".

“I will not ask you again,” she sad injecting some venom into her voice.

I think "sad" is meant to be "said"?

But those are all super teeny things and they really didn't ruin the story in any way, just something to keep an eye out for (:

Overall I really enjoyed reading this! I'm excited to see how Evelyn fares trying to get the suitcase!

That's it for my review, hope it's helpful. If you've got any questions feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


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HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!!
As you've probably noticed I have a problem with commas. Thanks for pointing those out. Hopefully I'll get better at spotting those.
And I'll try to add a few more descriptors.
And I'm glad you like the characters so far. I'm always afraid they won't come across as realistic.
Thanks again!!!



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Sat Jun 20, 2020 2:45 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Ah! More Evelyn.

I like that we’re getting to see more of her character and her character’s circumstances. I think her character’s development is also especially good right now because it’s contrasted with Harry and Rose’s characters. Harry and Rose both seem to be much more lighthearted than her. Evelyn seems totally full of anger and frustration (although she is in a pretty crummy situation).

I’m wondering what exactly Evelyn’s position is within her organization. Clearly she’s got a boss, but among the other’s it seems like she’s almost equal?? Or maybe she’s an equal to them, but very powerful (hence the powerful sorceress comment). If she is “above” Hensen and Sharpe it seems kind of weird that they might defy her orders. Also, this is sooo interesting:

“Sorry but I am not going to trust you Taylor,” said Henson,” Come on Sharpe. This will only bring trouble..”


Like huhhh :0 What did Evelyn do to make them not trust her? I’m getting jealous vibes from Henson and Sharpe (perhaps they’re jealous of Evelyn’s power?).

Stupid idiot we have as a doctor. I have to heal those soon.


Is magic-healing something only specific people can do? I’m mostly just wondering the purpose of a doctor if the people themselves can heal—or maybe Evelyn is just one of the extremely powerful few?

“Last time I was in the mindset of overpowering those useless goons that were delivering the other case. And I was only expecting more mindless henchmen to possibly interrupt the us. This time I won’t be underestimating anyone. They will fall.” No one gets away with defeating me lady. I’m going to end you. Slowly…


Dang!!! Evelyn is out for revenge. This definitely seems more than a job for her. Evelyn is clearly really affected by being defeated. I’m looking forward to see how she’ll grow as a character. I feel like maybe she’ll come to terms with not being the best, or maybe she’ll be pushed to be even more powerful from feelings of insecurity and anger.

Ok—I totally can’t remember aha but was Evelyn’s case the one Harry and Rose grabbed? And our other dude—Dirt Guy—did he get the other case? I feel like my brain is a bit all over the place with these cases haha, especially when the buyers/sellers are still in the situation.

I really like where this is heading! So it seems like there’s multiple organizations fighting for the cases. I was expecting Evelyn to be on her own, but I like the idea that she’s working for someone! Very interesting.

Can’t wait for more!

Peace,
~EternalRain




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!! Glad you liked it!
As for the doctor thing, well everyone can do the general spell, Evelyn just happens to have enough power to stabilize her lung. Most people could only heal a paper cut. The spells that the doctor performs are specialized medical spells that people have to study when they want to become a doctor. So they have to like go to university for that and learn them.
Thanks again!!



EternalRain says...


Ahhh, makes total sense! No problem, and cannot wait for more :)



HarryHardy says...


:) Same for your novel!!




If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson