z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 17: Jump

by Miraculor77


Kyre's POV

It isn’t long before I lose sight of Ashe and her captor altogether. And then I lose sight of the sun. The buildings loom over my head, blocking out the last rays of the sun, impossibly imposing given that I've been in this area before.

Once.

My shin throbs and I pause, breathing heavily to try and catch my breath. Once my breathing somewhat calms, I try to hear where Ashe and the Officer are, but to no avail. The song of crickets fills the otherwise empty silence, leaving no trace of the two.

Leaning heavily on my left leg, I rummage through a pocket in my hoodie and pull out a small cube, about half the size of my fist. I zip the pocket shut and tap the side of it repeatedly, trying to turn it on, gritting my teeth in frustration when it doesn't. Despite multiple tries, I haven't been able to fix that particular bug.

The cube's sides glow faintly and I release a breath.

"Display heat-seeking vision," I say, lowering my voice to the point it sounded quiet even to my ears. The cube shines brightly and I hurridly cover it with my sleeve, then tentatively move my hand when it dims. I hold the device at arm's length and move in a slow circle, carefully watching the six screens.

Suddenly the screens flash a brilliant orange, shifting to red when I move my arm slightly to the right. The number "2" glows on the one facing me in white.

The cube shines a brilliant orange when I move it east, and a robotic voice intones monotonously, “2 heat sources found in 50-foot radius.” I wince at the noise and hastily shove it back into my pocket, walking quickly.

By now, night has fallen completely; even the stars seem to be fading under the cover of clouds. I swallow hard, feeling a lump in my throat. My hands ache to draw out the cube again, if only for its meager light, but I force them to stay at my sides. Every rustling leaf, every whistle of the wind, every creak of a branch makes my heart leap into my throat, and it takes everything I have not to break into a run.

I hear a faint scrabbling and stop walking, feeling a cool trickle of sweat from my temple. The logical part of my brain tells me that it’s just a small animal, probably a rat or a squirrel, but my overactive imagination drowns it out. Shadows flit through my mind, teeth and claws and blood and pain and suffocating walls, so fast and with such force that I can't breathe. I stop for a moment next to a tree, then, without thinking it through, wrap my hand around the closest branch and haul myself up. My arms burn from exertion and are shaking by the time I sit up on the branch, but I don't feel safe. The darkness presses up around me, suffocating me with its nearness. It seems so impossibly near, so solid, I almost give up right there. Hell, I want to. But then Ashe’s face flashes through my mind, her brightness, her flaming presence, and warmth floods through me, pushing out the night.

I tap on my tracker to see my location―the locator works both ways, and I can basically see a map with my coordinates―and freeze.

There’s no way.

No. Way.

I hesitantly look out, apprehensive, and the sight below confirms my suspicions. I’m ten feet above the edge of Government Headquarters. Ominous dark silver buildings glitter under synthetic light-orbs, their edges unnervingly sharp. Bright red dots--cameras, I realize--are spread systematically over nearly every surface, blinking at regular intervals, watching their designated areas ceaselessly. The ground there is hard concrete, with the occasional tree breaking the monotonousness.

Like the one I'm on right now.

I look around, trying to find a safe place to climb down, but can't see one where there isn't a dot. Except for the roof of the building closest to me. My eyes rapidly and repeatedly scan the area, but no, there's nothing. Nothing to stop me from jumping on and finding a way in. I peer closer, and can make out a small rectangle of metal with the clunky metallic security setup from a few years back. It's older technology, the kind I have a lot of experience with hacking.

It seems too good to be true. Too easy.

I almost laugh at the incredulity of my situation. Here I am, sitting on a tree because a stranger that is as familiar as a friend got taken by a Government officer, trying to find a way to infiltrate their headquarters to bring her back.

If I get caught, it's instant erasing for me. If I leave any traces, I'd have to leave the surface world and move underground, maybe forever.

And less than a week ago, it was Government rules that kept me confined to Boss's house, doing her work for her. Obeying her every command, knowing that not following would, at best, have me kicked out with no shelter, and at worse, in a Prison.

I can't even begin to count the number of rules and laws I'm breaking by just being here, much less contemplating breaking in.

I gauge the distance between my perch on the tree and the flat metallic roof of a building, then swallow hard. Fifteen feet. Ice flows through my veins and for a moment, I can't move. I think of Ashe again--the strange familiarity of her, the spark in her eyes when she's drawing on her tablet, the way she somehow pushes my fears away--and pull my legs into a crouch on the branch. For her. Balancing precariously, I carefully inch my way closer to the edge, breathing shallowly. The branch creaks under me and I freeze, my breath catching in my throat. My heart beats like a drum, so loud I can feel it vibrating within me, almost painful in my chest.

And before I can second guess myself, I jump.

What the hell did I just do? For a long moment, I'm suspended in thin air, then I'm falling hard. I'm gonna die. And then I see the roof rushing up at me.

For a split second, I'm relieved that I made it to the roof, not the concrete ground, but that relief passes in less than a moment. Pain shoots like fire up my forearms, elbows, and knees, and the wind is knocked out of my body. I gasp, trying to force air into my lungs, but can't. The taste of iron floods my mouth. Black dots crowd my vision, then take over completely.


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Mon Jul 06, 2020 2:11 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And looks like we're at my last review for this story for the day. I'll get to the other two tommorow.

First Impression: Well looks like that rescue mission might be a fail. Also I like that you didn't have him catch up to Ashe while she was being taken away. That makes the whole scenario feel much more realistic. Also how much tech does Kyre have on him at all times?

Anyway let's get right to it,

The cube shines a brilliant orange when I move it east, and a robotic voice intones monotonously, “2 heat sources found in 50-foot radius.” I wince at the noise and hastily shove it back into my pocket, walking quickly.


Well that seems like something pretty handy that he appears to have concocted himself which seems a little unlikely because Boss must have been tracking his purchases unless those have also been falsified somehow.

I hear a faint scrabbling and stop walking, feeling a cool trickle of sweat from my temple. The logical part of my brain tells me that it’s just a small animal, probably a rat or a squirrel, but my overactive imagination drowns it out. Shadows flit through my mind, teeth and claws and blood and pain and suffocating walls, so fast and with such force that I can't breathe. I stop for a moment next to a tree, then, without thinking it through, wrap my hand around the closest branch and haul myself up. My arms burn from exertion and are shaking by the time I sit up on the branch, but I don't feel safe. The darkness presses up around me, suffocating me with its nearness. It seems so impossibly near, so solid, I almost give up right there. Hell, I want to. But then Ashe’s face flashes through my mind, her brightness, her flaming presence, and warmth floods through me, pushing out the night.


Well good to see that he is being driven by the though of her.

I hesitantly look out, apprehensive, and the sight below confirms my suspicions. I’m ten feet above the edge of Government Headquarters. Ominous dark silver buildings glitter under synthetic light-orbs, their edges unnervingly sharp. Bright red dots--cameras, I realize--are spread systematically over nearly every surface, blinking at regular intervals, watching their designated areas ceaselessly. The ground there is hard concrete, with the occasional tree breaking the monotonousness.


Great description. Also the supposed Ruins that no one lives in is really close to the main government building. Seems a little unlikely.

I gauge the distance between my perch on the tree and the flat metallic roof of a building, then swallow hard. Fifteen feet. Ice flows through my veins and for a moment, I can't move. I think of Ashe again--the strange familiarity of her, the spark in her eyes when she's drawing on her tablet, the way she somehow pushes my fears away--and pull my legs into a crouch on the branch. For her. Balancing precariously, I carefully inch my way closer to the edge, breathing shallowly. The branch creaks under me and I freeze, my breath catching in my throat. My heart beats like a drum, so loud I can feel it vibrating within me, almost painful in my chest.


And another lovely bit of great description.

For a split second, I'm relieved that I made it to the roof, not the concrete ground, but that relief passes in less than a moment. Pain shoots like fire up my forearms, elbows, and knees, and the wind is knocked out of my body. I gasp, trying to force air into my lungs, but can't. The taste of iron floods my mouth. Black dots crowd my vision, then take over completely.


Well that was a bad idea. And now he'll probably be caught on the cameras too. Looks like both of them are doomed to be erased. Maybe.

And that's it for the day.

Overall: Yet another great chapter. Lovely emotion displayed from Kyre's point of view there. You can feel it really well. Once again I don't see much wrong here. It's been a great story to read.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Miraculor77 says...


I very much hope they don't get erased; it would be like going 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Thanks for the review! Also, whoa. You did all this in one day. I'm amazed~



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
Yaa they better not get erased. I love both their characters.
And...*bows shamelessly*....Thank you! :D



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Tue Jan 21, 2020 12:28 am
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dahlia58 wrote a review...



Honestly, there's nothing much to edit in this chapter. Kyre's emotions are painfully clear. I was really scared he was going to hit the ground, not that landing on a hard roof's any better...The only thing I might suggest is that you end the chapter with a line of Kyre's thoughts, like "damn it...," "shoot...," or any other possible thoughts he may have in mind. Ending a chapter with the character's inner thoughts or spoken words gives the narrative a more personal feel. But this is just my opinion. I'm just glad Kyre is alive...(jumping from 15 ft off the ground). Can't wait for chapter 18, even though I'm worried about what happened to Ashe.




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Sun Jan 19, 2020 11:39 pm
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Lib wrote a review...



Hey Mira!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight. I'm here to review this work, help get this out of the Green Room, and obviously to figure out what happens next! Let's get started --

Ookay. He's still there.

You know what I love so much about your writing? You don't go "I" for starting every sentence. It always starts with a different word, and I love that so much. Another thing: it always flows together so damn well.

Anyways, now we have this device. Is that an actual device though? That'd be so cool. I would want that so bad. Except... not the loud robotic voice. XD

AHH, I'd be freaking out already right now! Barely any natural light, leaves crunching, etc. Just run already, Kyre this is creepy and also please stay safe.

Oh no. What's this? Ah, yes, probably a rat or a squirrel. Don't think that!! There's no weirdo animal there, I promise. Just relax and keep on walki -- and there we go. You've climbed a tree. Kyre.

Oh yeah, let's gooo! Ashe! Do it for Ashe! I find it very nice that Kyre doesn't give up even though he's got a bad leg, it's cold, there's something in the bush, and it's just all so amazing. I love his courage. That's the main thing about Kyre that stands out so much to me.

WHAT HAPPENED???

OH GOSH. THE STRESS, THE TENSION, WHAT TO DO???

He jumped. Oh no. He's going to fall. I think he's going to fall. What if he dies? No, no MC dies in the middle of the book. O u c h. Why did that have to sound so painful? Now my tongue is hurting and my mind is swirling. I hope he's okay though. Our hero needs to save our heroine!!

Anyways, great chapter! I can't wait for the next one. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! :P

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




Miraculor77 says...


Thanks for the review Lib! I do have a question for you, it's on the wall post where I tagged you and a bunch of others for this chapter. It's this: Should I go back and edit the first few chapters, or should I write new chapters?



Lib says...


Your welcome!

And that's a very good question. Most of the time, what writers like you do is make Draft 1, which would be this current draft in your case.

And then there would be Draft 2, where there would be the plot changes, dialogue changes, name changes, setting changes if there is any need to change anything of the above.

Then they'd move onto Draft 3, if they think they need it, but sometimes writers just skip over to the Proofreading bit. They go through the chapters, see if any minor changes (like punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc).

And then there's the Final Draft! You go through your piece, and make final touches to everything.

Does this make sense? :)



Miraculor77 says...


Yes thank you so much!
I thought I should continue writing new parts but I saw the older ones and suddenly wanted to fix them.
I'll just continue on this draft and when it's finished (hopefully by the end of this year? I really don't know) I;ll go back and patch everything up. My writing style might have changed by then too, so this way will make everything consistent.



Lib says...


Sounds awesome! :)



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Sun Jan 19, 2020 5:26 am
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dahlia58 says...



(Stay awake Kyre!) I mean- this is a suspenseful chapter. The "stranger that is as familiar as a friend" line was the one I liked best^^




Miraculor77 says...


That was also the line I had the most trouble with. ^^ It took me so long to find the right words. Glad you liked the chapter!




We always talk about the "doers" and "dreamers" but I'd like to give a big shoutout to the "tryers".
— Hannah Hart