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by Zaibae


Sugar spun mornings

Rain drizzling like caramel

The sweet smell of

Wet earth

Earth worms

Wiggle about

Leaving tracks

Like miniature snakes

The sky is overcast

Grey and rumbling

A crack of thunder

And a bolt of lightning

So sharp I feel it in my soul

The kettle whistles

Screeching, brittle

The milk simmers

Into a boil

In the saucepan

I pour the hot water over the teabag

Floating and now tinted brown

The brown sugar dissolves without complaint

I wrap the cup in my hands

And take a sip of utter bliss

There’s a book

Upon the coffee table

Waiting to be read

And there are muffins in the oven

Rising as time passes

Soft instrumental music

Lilts from the radio

This is comfort

Burrowed deep in my shawl

This is home

- Zaibae

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231 Reviews

Points: 3770
Reviews: 231

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Mon Nov 18, 2019 8:43 pm
dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Hey! Dogsrule5 here for a review!

Let me start off by saying that I loved this poem, and the vibe it put off! It made me feel cozy and warm thinking about being under a blanket and drinking hot tea! It reminds me of drinking hot tea and cuddling with my dog and watching a movie haha!! :D

Anyways, let's get on to the more critical part of the review!

I noticed in a few places the flow of the poem got a little bit choppy. It could just be me and the way I read it because I do tend to read poems with a rhythm! Just a little reminder poems are meant to flow nicely and be smooth! Also please don't think I'm criticizing you, or your work! Your work is a beautiful piece of art, I'm just trying to help you improve and give you suggestions (of which you don't have to listen to if you would not like to).

You wrote,

Earth worms
Wiggle about
Leaving tracks
Like miniature snakes


I think this is the part where it got a little choppy for me. From my opinion, or the way I read it, I think you should combine the first 2 lines and the bottom to lines, so it goes something like this.

"Earth worms wiggle about
Leaving tracks like miniature snakes"

I just think this way makes it flow a little bit more smoothly!

Moving onward, I thought the poem overall had a great flow, except for just that one little spot! I loved how this poem reminded me of nice cozy days at home! Something you could maybe add in the future to this poem is sitting by a fire in the fireplace (but that's just a suggestion)

Anyways, I'm glad I stumbled upon this poem, and really enjoyed the read!
I hope to read more poems by you in the future!

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3




Zaibae says...


Hello Dogs!

Thank you so much for your lovely review and constructive criticism!

Much love,
Zaibae



dogsrule5 says...


Of course! Anytime!! :D



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Points: 56
Reviews: 3

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Sun Nov 17, 2019 9:04 pm
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Aari says...



Hi, Zaibae. This is Aari, and I read your poem and just wanted to let you know what a great job you did. Although, I have one feedback for you: I think the lines "earth worms/ wiggle about..." These lines being cut off kind off thew me off. When you're writing poetry, make sure you read it out loud, which can help you determine if the poem is flowing smoothly.
But other than that, I really like the descriptions in this piece. I definitely feel this poem because of how the little things in life give me happiness and remind me of home. I really like the vibes of this poem. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Love,
Aari




User avatar


Points: 56
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun Nov 17, 2019 9:04 pm
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Aari wrote a review...



Hi, Zaibae. This is Aari, and I read your poem and just wanted to let you know what a great job you did. Although, I have one feedback for you: I think the lines "earth worms/ wiggle about..." These lines being cut off kind off thew me off. When you're writing poetry, make sure you read it out loud, which can help you determine if the poem is flowing smoothly.
But other than that, I really like the descriptions in this piece. I definitely feel this poem because of how the little things in life give me happiness and remind me of home. I really like the vibes of this poem. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Love,
Aari




Zaibae says...


Hello Aari!

Thanks for your lovely review and constructive criticism! I'm glad you liked the poem!
Also,thanks for the advice. I'll keep that in mind next time i write a poem

Much love,
Zaibae



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28 Reviews

Points: 76
Reviews: 28

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Sat Nov 16, 2019 8:56 pm
redvictory wrote a review...



I really like this! The soft romanticizing of everyday things reminds me of a Ghibli movie! I'm so impressed by you poets, the ability to make normal objects and actions have such depth is an amazing gift. I only really have one suggestion: I would play around with punctuation and capitalization! That can add a lot to the flow of a poem. But your writing itself is lovely, and it has a lot of potential! Keep writing!




Zaibae says...


Hello there!
Thank you for the lovely review and constructive criticism! The Ghibli comment made my day! thanks a lot love! Also, i really do need to work on my punctuation so thank you for pointing that out.

Thanks again and have a great day!

Much love,
Zaibae




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