z

Young Writers Society


12+

Rain

by violetthale


Smoke filled the air around me. I choked on the thick scent of burning flames that consumed the whole east wing of my uncle’s estate. I couldn’t help but stare into his weak and lifeless blue eyes, the words I dared to speak out loud begging and fighting to get out into the darkening air. I slammed the door to his bedroom consenting the fire to engulf his rugs, bed, green curtains, and bloodstained sheets. I didn’t look back as I ran away, my feet pounding against the newly scrubbed wooden floors. It was a shame that the maids had just finished, his estate always looked so good. Now, all it is was a black shell of what it used to be, what he used to be.

The damages done were beyond his inheritance he left but that least we didn’t have to pay for him to be cremated. My brother sneered at the blackened frames and iron smell in the air; he kicked over what used to be a kitchen cabinet. “I always hated this house and this family.” The cabinet crumbled and sent a pile of ashes into his face. He coughed roughly, his asthma being triggered. “And, I hated him. Good riddance.”

“Enough.” I snapped at him, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I can hear the police cars coming down the road.”

“They aren’t apart of this,” He looked at me, his eyes the same as my uncles. Light blue and precise, they could always cut you open and find all your secrets. “It was all planned, we just finished the job. No one else needs to know that.” He was right for the most part but for the rest of the family, they didn’t know. They didn’t need to know. They needed a funeral, service, and publicity. We needed solitude, silence, and a gravestone.

The police didn’t question us since we too were victims of the fire. We were sent to our home far away from the estate to grieve, narrowing roadways signified the return to another torturous environment. Estate, after estate, after estate, and soon we would have none left to go. No more family to cry and no more family to leave soaking in their own bloodstained sheets. We didn’t grieve, we ran. And we didn’t cry, we smiled.

I looked over to my brother as he pushed the door open to our aunt’s estate, the cold wind blowing right through my ash colored and ripped jeans, along with my burned leather jacket. There would always be another, and we will always go forward. But the rain will always cover our trails, it follows us. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 49
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sat Apr 27, 2019 10:57 pm
NaomiPeppurrcorn wrote a review...



Hey violetthale!

This reminds me of a book that I once read in high school for some reason. I guess it was your writing style? But needless to say, I really enjoyed reading your short story.
I only find it strange that the police decided not to question the two. That was a bit weird.

But otherwise I love your word choice and i also absolutely adore the slightly edgy aesthetic of the story.

One line that made me chuckle was "we didn't have to pay for him to be cremated." That is definitely my favorite line of the whole story xD

Also perhaps a few typos, or maybe I'm mistaken and just misunderstood your intention:
1.)“They aren’t apart of this,” -> “They aren’t **a part** of this,”

2.)"The damages done were beyond his inheritance he left but that least we didn’t have to pay for him to be cremated." -> The damages done were beyond his inheritance he left but **at least** we didn’t have to pay for him to be cremated.


Anyway, awesome story! Keep writing!

Much love,
Naomi




User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 19

Donate
Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:52 am
itsCate wrote a review...



Wow, let me just say this was good.
I really liked this, it was very enjoyable. I like how it started out with something happening to the main character it adds a lot to the book. This was a really good short story and I enjoyed it. I would have liked more detail about the characters. But overall it was really good, I am happy with this. good job!




User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 46

Donate
Fri Mar 01, 2019 7:04 am
Joelsweet wrote a review...



Having watched Forensic Files, I think that it is very interesting that the police did not investigate. Perhaps if this was set back in an earlier time period, they would not have looked into the situation further, but usually arson appears to be pretty obvious. You would not believe how many people burn down their own houses intentionally, whether to cover up a murder, for life insurance, etcetera etcetera etcetera. I do like this story, the ambiguity of the situation is interesting and allows the reader to wonder more about what is going on. I love your descriptions and how you have varying sentence lengths. The brother seems like of like a sciopath, and it would be interesting to see the paths of the characters from here. Does he turn into a serial killer? Or does he put all of this behind him and get a stable job and a loving family?




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 66
Reviews: 6

Donate
Tue Feb 19, 2019 5:20 am
View Likes
Winged067 wrote a review...



hi i'm here for a review lol

first of all, the story is really good, it got me really hooked in on what was going on, but the thing is, I didn't really know what was going on. Were they victims of the fire? or were they the ones who killed their uncle? it didn't make all that sense to me, so maybe you could clear it up a bit?

sorry if this review didn't help that much (or at all).

-winged




User avatar
103 Reviews


Points: 97
Reviews: 103

Donate
Tue Feb 19, 2019 2:39 am
Samhain wrote a review...



Woah. The inferences I'm making here are quite wicked. This is an awesome short story, and I like how it is left to the reader to wonder if these two children are intentionally killing their family members one by one and burning the evidence.
There are some places that I see could use a bit of editing. First is the sentence, "The damages done were beyond his inheritance he left but that least we didn’t have to pay for him to be cremated." There is some punctuation missing, and I think you should specify the money in his inheritance.
Second. "'They aren’t apart of this,' He looked at me, his eyes the same as my uncles." I don't understand what he means by "They aren't apart of this". It seems... well... unnecessary? Possibly redundant? But if you want to keep that statement, there is a difference between "apart" and "a part". "apart" means separated, "a part" means included. That space matters!
The last part of that statement: "He looked at me, his eyes the same as my uncles." You don't need to capitalise "He". Don't forget the period with "uncles"!
Third: The very last sentence, "But the rain will always cover our trails, it follows us." I think you should make that comma a semi-colon, or ellipsis (...) or a period. Just a suggestion.

I think you could put your story under the genre Horror as well, but you don't have to.
This is a really awesome story and I love it. I see that you are new to the YWS! So... welcome! This is a review, and I tend to be quite direct with my reviews. You are an excellent writer; keep writing! The craft gets better and better with every word you write. Believe me, I know.





they say money can't buy happiness, but what they don't realize is that money *can* buy novelty socks.
— blueca