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Young Writers Society


12+

Calumet (1)

by Elinor


Lacey moved to Calumet because she wanted a fresh start. The rent was low and the jobs were good, or so said everyone else. She’d left high school really knowing what she wanted to do with her life, and she’d just left college feeling just as clueless. Sarah, her best friend since both girls could first walk, was mystified. Calumet was the kind of town that people left, not the kind people moved to. Kay Washington, a prominent senator and rising star of the Democratic party, grew up there. But she’d left and never longer looked back as soon as she’d graduated high school. And Sarah had always dreamed of something more out of life. That she was destined for greatness, so to speak. Lacey was content to live simply. Own a house and be a wife and a mother. That wasn’t wrong. It shouldn’t have been wrong, anyway.

Her father helped her find a place, and she’d eventually settled on a simple studio a half mile walk from main street. She’d spent a lot of her savings from the toy store on decorating it. Her father had protested, but she ignored him. This was her home, the start of her adult life. She’d needed to make it her own. Lots of yellow and soft blue. Above her bed was a framed poster of Gone With the Wind. She hadn’t seen the movie in years, but it was a reminder of her mother. To always be strong, no matter what.

She spent much of the first few days exploring town. There were a few family owned shops, and on the edge of town there was the required Starbucks and McDonalds. It wasn’t necessarily pretty, but it was clean. It was summer and much of Calumet’s ten thousand residents seemed to be enjoying it. But after a few weeks, she started to feel lonely. Sarah was a two hour’s drive away, and while they promised they’d see each other, she was busy with her nonprofit work and they hadn’t been able to find a time yet. Lacey saw how determined and focused her friend was and she wished she had some of that herself. She wished she knew what she wanted to do with her life, to begin with.

But her savings were quickly dwindling and she needed to find a job, dream or not. She didn’t particularly enjoy math, but she was good at it. After a month of aimlessness, she saw a local payroll company, Anderson Associates, advertising an opening for a data entry clerk, so she sent in her resume. To her surprise, they called her in for an interview.

The office itself seemed to be the textbook definition of stereotypical. What Lacey always imagined when she thought of people at work. A bald, pudgy man in his mid-forties greeted her in the reception area. He introduced himself as Pete, and led her to his office. They walked by an incredibly attractive young man who looked like a real life version of Prince Eric. He smiled at her as they walked by and Pete closed the door.

He had her resume printed out on his desk. “So, Lacey, tell me about yourself,” he said.

“I grew up in Greenville,” Lacey said. “Only child. Did drama in high school. Went to school for English. Now I’m here.”

“What are some of the plays you did?”

“I was in the Chorus for Les Miserables. Then I was Anne Frank. That was fun. Well not fun. But I’m glad I did it.”

“What is it you want to do with your life?”

“I haven’t quite figured that out yet,” Lacey said, feeling herself blush. A lot of people were asking her that lately, and she needed to think of a better answer.

“Why should I hire you?”

“I’m very organized and attentive. I worked a toy store in college. I had to work a lot with numbers there.”

“Honestly, Lacey,” Pete said. “We just need you to keep track of all of the business we do with clients. Make sure they match up with our books and there’s no errors. It’s easy. Not exciting, but easy. And there’s potential for you to move up if this turns out to be a good fit.”

“That sounds good to me,” Lacey replied.

“You’re certainly qualified for the position. I just wanted to make sure I liked you.” Then Pete stood up, and shook her hand. “Can you start Monday?”

Lacey nodded. “Absolutely.”

“Well, I’ll take you back to meet everyone. Follow me.” They stopped at Prince Eric’s desk. “This is Jack, my assistant.”

Jack stood up and shook Lacey’s hand. His grip was firm. “Pleasure,” he said.

“I’m Lacey.”

“Lacey’s going to be helping Kelly out in accounting,” Pete explained.

“Did he tell you he went to high school with Kay Washington?” Jack asked.

Lacey shook her head.

“He did. He asked her out on a date once, and she turned him down.” A mischievous smile curled onto Jack’s lips. Lacey thought about what it would be like to kiss them, and then told herself to snap out of it.

“Alright, enough,” Pete said, clearly blushing. He then turned to Lacey, showing her the wedding ring on his finger. “I’ve been happily married for twenty years. But it is true.”

Jack smiled as they left. Pete then took her to meet Kelly, a pretty Asian woman who was a few years older than she was. As Pete explained, she was too good for them because she went to Harvard. Lacey wondered why she was working at such a place if she had graduated from Harvard, but she decided not to ask questions. There were about ten other employees in the office, but they all seemed to be middle aged, and she found them all fairly forgettable. Already, she couldn’t stop thinking about Jack.

Lacey got home and called her father, who was ecstatic. Ever since the first day she’d moved to Calumet, he’d constantly badgered her about her progress in finding employment. “It’s not that exciting of a job,” Lacey explained.

“Still, it’s full time. And it could lead to something in the future. I’m so proud of you, honey,” he said. “I’ve got to go. Annie’s got dinner ready.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks for calling. Love you.” He hung up, and Lacey turned to face her Gone With the Wind poster. It had been eight years since her mother had been gone. Her brother Nate was fourteen now, and he barely remembered his mother. When Lacey was seventeen her father had met Annie, a local pediatrician who had no children of her own. Two years later they’d married, and while her father seemed happy, things just weren’t the same.

Lacey opened her laptop and tried to find something to watch. But she wasn’t in the mood for anything, and simply laid down on her bed and scrolled through her phone. That was when an article popped up. “Dave Andrews announces candidacy for President of the United States.” Lacey clicked on the article. Andrews was 40, and if he was elected, he’d be the youngest person to win, behind JFK and Teddy Roosevelt. He was handsome and he had a beautiful family. A year earlier, he’d lost a senate race in his home state. Still, everyone pressured him to run, and -- until tonight -- he continued to deny that he would.

Lacey watched his speech. She remembered learning about Kennedy in school, and something about Andrews reminded her of him. It was nothing short of inspirational. The election was over a year away, but Lacey imagined a future where he was president instead of John Shannon, and the future didn’t seem so bleak. 


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Fri Dec 21, 2018 9:51 am
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey there Elinor! Sorry this is so late, school was crushing me!

So, this part is pretty much all set-up, which comes with a lot of information that kinda made me lose track of the story, especially in the beginning.

Lacey moved to Calumet because she wanted a fresh start. The rent was low and the jobs were good, or so said everyone else. She’d left high school really knowing what she wanted to do with her life, and she’d just left college feeling just as clueless.


"So said everyone else" is a bit awkward, but that's a nitpick. Overall, I totally get this notion. I'm actually having a bit of that myself (I have noo idea what I'm going to do with my life after I finish my Masters) but why Calumet? I totally get the need to escape your hometown but Calumet feels like a town that has nothing that draws people to it (a lot of other towns have low rent and good jobs but usually people are drawn to those nameless towns for specific reasons. For example, my dad moved us to a town like that because he got a job offer close to it.) This is a question the story is setting up to, I think, but I'm asking something a bit different, I guess? Moving is a huge decision, and just deciding to move to a random, nondescript town is a hard sell to me personally.

Sarah, her best friend since both girls could first walk, was mystified. Calumet was the kind of town that people left, not the kind people moved to. Kay Washington, a prominent senator and rising star of the Democratic party, grew up there. But she’d left and never longer looked back as soon as she’d graduated high school. And Sarah had always dreamed of something more out of life. That she was destined for greatness, so to speak.


This is hard to read, because it jumps so many places. Perhaps I'm just tired but it was really hard to wrap my head around this. This is the story setting up the same question that I asked in the last paragraph, but what confuses me is that it goes from Sarah to Kay, then back to Sarah, but the second Sarah part doesn't correlate to what was said before. It's like a big set up that doesn't go anywhere, or goes to too many places and doesn't finish any of those places. What does Sarah dreaming of something more out of life have to do with Kay leaving Calumet? It's hard to put into words what I'm trying to get across, but I know you're trying to go somewhere with the first paragraph, and I kinda get it but I'm having to shove through the lines until I find the meaning instead of just garnering it from what's being written.

She’d spent a lot of her savings from the toy store on decorating it. Her father had protested, but she ignored him.


Idk, I'd've protested too xD, like, how much money does a recent college graduate have saved up? I mean, my personal answer for that is a huge '0'.

“What are some of the plays you did?”

“I was in the Chorus for Les Miserables. Then I was Anne Frank. That was fun. Well not fun. But I’m glad I did it.”


Why would the interviewer ask about the plays that Lacey did for a mathematics job? I get that he wanted to learn more about her, but that seems like information that, well, doesn't get that far in actually knowing that person. Acting in high school is much less personality based and much more "you're a good actor, here's a role you may or may not be fit for" and/or "i made the mistake of wanting to do an ensemble play so please help me out". I also totally get that the interviewer was already ready to give Lacey the job, so feel free to completely ignore this whole segment xD

A mischievous smile curled onto Jack’s lips. Lacey thought about what it would be like to kiss them, and then told herself to snap out of it.


Oof, she's lusting hard. Love it


Okay, so my general thoughts:

I had a hard time reading this in the beginning for a couple of reasons. Mainly the first paragraph was just hard to decipher which really put me off trying to push through and there was a looot of info dumping. However, now that I'm at the end, I quite liked what you have here. More importantly, I think I understand what you're going for with this story. It's a romance, which duh I should have figured out the moment the poster was mentioned but it's not really my forte (also, looking up at the tags, you have romantic on it, I'm a dummy lol) so I'm not used to the writing style. However, now that I've adjusted, I do like what you have here. The info-dumping makes sense, and I like the style on how... rigid it is, like Lacey doesn't really care. It's like she's put herself on autopilot because her goal in life is love-orientated and everything else other than that is hard to be enthusiastic about. So, the story itself doesn't really pick up until she lays eyes on her Prince Eric.

As a side note, you have a lot of a nostalgia in this story, which I shouldn't say I'm surprised. You're a very nostalgic person haha, but it shows with your Gone with the Wind poster and Prince Eric. I'm not sure how many people my age and younger even know what Gone with the Wind is (I myself only know because I'm a movie buff lol and, adjusted for inflation it's the highest grossing movie of all time because it was in movie theaters for years) or even who Prince Eric is (even as big Disney lover, I'm not sure which prince Eric is lol). Not saying any of that is bad, just wanted to point it out, and also that you put a lot of yourself into this story. I actually had to look at this story a couple times because I just saw so much of you in it. I know you fairly well, and have followed your life through what you update on your wall and personally. You're putting a lot of yourself in this story. I hope you find your Prince Eric as well <3

Anyways, I actually really enjoyed it! The beginning was a bit rough and didn't pull me in as well as I would have liked, but the ending is great. Can't wait to read (and hopefully review) part 2!




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Mon Nov 26, 2018 11:17 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi Elinor, here as promised! :)

Specifics

1.

She’d left high school not really knowing what she wanted to do with her life, and she’d just left college feeling just as clueless.
I think you're missing a word here.

2.
Her father helped her find a place, and she’d eventually settled on a simple studio a half mile walk from main street. She’d spent a lot of her savings from the toy store on decorating it. Her father had protested, but she ignored him. This was her home, the start of her adult life. She’d needed to make it her own. Lots of yellow and soft blue. Above her bed was a framed poster of Gone With the Wind. She hadn’t seen the movie in years, but it was a reminder of her mother. To always be strong, no matter what.
This paragraph is a little bit awful to read - the short sentences make it very stop and start and it feels clunky. The words themselves are good, though it feels odd to me that her father would buy her a house but not want her decorating it. She hardly needs to save the money if she's not going to need to pay rent/ mortgage. But anyway, back to my first point, you need at least some longer sentences here to break up the short ones. I know you're going for a dramatic tone but too many makes it hard to read/ gives it a sort of repetitive/ monotonous feel instead of that dramatic lead up.

3.
Sarah was a two hour’s drive away, and while they promised they’d see each other, she was busy with her nonprofit work and they hadn’t been able to find a time yet.
It may be an American vs English thing so you may be okay but we wouldn't normally say 'find a time'.

4.
The office itself seemed to be the textbook definition of stereotypical. What Lacey always imagined when she thought of people at work. A bald, pudgy man in his mid-forties greeted her in the reception area. He introduced himself as Pete, and led her to his office. They walked by an incredibly attractive young man who looked like a real life version of Prince Eric. He smiled at her as they walked by and Pete closed the door.
This is another paragraph with too many short sentences.

5. To say the interviewer says his main aim is checking he likes her, he doesn't ask a lot of questions about her hobbies/ ones which would tell him what kind of person she is. I've had a few personality based interviews - my current position was four interviews in total and the last two were personality and HR and I got it on the personality check. The sort of questions they ask tend to start related to the job but the last questions or two can be super casual like 'what do you spend your evenings doing'.

6.
“He did. He asked her out on a date once, and she turned him down.” A mischievous smile curled onto Jack’s lips. Lacey thought about what it would be like to kiss them, and then told herself to snap out of it.
So I was going to come to this later but now is a good place to bring it up. You don't have enough description in some places. It's not everywhere but here for instance, this hits us out of nowhere because we've had no description of Jack to know that he's attractive. We don't know if it's his voice she likes, his good looks or if he just has really kissable lips.

Overall

I think you've got a good tone building and the premise of a little town where nothing happens clearing being the place where something is going to happen is fun! I feel like something does need to happen fairly soon to give us a hint of this outside of your general foreboding tone because at the moment the events are rather normal/ non-exciting. The main character is not particularly interesting but it makes sense that she's someone who doesn't know what she wants/ who doesn't have a whole lot of ambition and I expect that will make a nice contrast to the plot later. It perhaps means we need to see more of Jack/ the other characters though in order to counter that and give us someone who we are interested in until everything takes off.

The descriptions where you have them are good but there's room for a few more and I'd love to see what details Lacey picks up since she states her attention to detail as being one of her traits. Does she notice a faded part of the wall where a picture used to hang? Does she see that one of the girls is making eyes at Jack discreetly? I think you've not shown us through your writing that she's taking everything in and that could be something which makes her more interesting/ endearing to us because an attention to detail suggests an alertness which she isn't necessary acting on and it's a nice contrast. It's also weirdly common in the finance industry and she kind of reminds me of John in my company who's really attentive but also very much an inward person/ an introvert.

There's not much more I have to say at this stage but this is a good start and like I said, I really love the premise so I'm definitely up for reading the next part when it's available!

~Heather




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Wed Nov 21, 2018 7:03 pm
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hey there Elinor!

Popping in to try to give you a decent review on this.

Starting Off:

I think this is a promising start to a classical, cute story of a girl falling in love with a co-worker. I'm very curious as to where this carries on, from Lacey meeting Jack and starting to work. The detail of her mother was definitely pretty sad, but seeing the connection from her and Gone With the Wind is an interesting piece of her character and what makes her.

Throughout the Story:

First Paragraph -

Let's see. I like the way you've introduced Lacey here. By putting in these details of her being so opposite of what the norm is, you've formed a neat idea of how this character must be. Her voice of someone wanting a life that she perceived to be a normal, basic one is a very interesting comparison to how ambitious others can feel, especially when viewing college and their future.

The one line that's worded a little weirdly is the line on Sarah being mystified, as that made me do a quick glance of the view for this story. As this is a third-person-limited view, I'd say to keep an eye out for anything that explains the thoughts of another character a little too closely.

I don't know if you caught this, but there's one minor mistake, in that a "not" is missing in

She'd left high school {not} really.



Second Paragraph -

Here, I find it interesting that she's at least determined to change - or now live in a different way. The colors paint a pretty scene, as I can only imagine some painted walls and probably pretty, nice, colored furniture. I think you've got some great little details scattered through the first two paragraphs to draw a comparison of how Lacey stands in her current world.

The movie reference, the somewhat nostalgia that seemed to strike from the thought of her mother, all strike a sort of chord within your reader, so that's really neat. I'm trying to figure out what time period this is, as it seems to be pretty modern, but I guess Lacey likes the classics, or her mother did at least.


Third Paragraph -

Even with the setting, you have these funny little quirks, like the town is clean, but not too nice-looking. That's an interesting thing to get into your reader's mind, especially if they want to look even farther into this story, and see if being "practical" and not being super "out-there" is something that Lacey connects to as well.

Again, I like how Lacey compares herself to others, as it could even make your own readers feel sympathy for her as well since plenty of students and graduates do not have much of a clue as to what they really want to do. Maybe by the end of this, she will have found something.

Fourth Paragraph -


I feel like I've dealt with compromise in the past, and am definitely going to have to study things I don't especially like in college, so I appreciate Lacey realizing the situation she was in, and that she needed to get basically any kind of job that would pay. Sometimes that dream is a little too far away, and someone needs to buckle down before they can really go out and achieve it.

Here, I think this idea of relations for Lacey does a good job of forming her as someone much like a regular person, who is having to deal with money issues and actually forming an idea of her future, but she has to take it step-by-step. And that's a good thing to be good at math.


Fifth Paragraph -

Ooh, love interest detected! That's a cute way of seeing each other for the first time, but is interested in a co-worker before you've even worked may not be the best decision. I guess I'll have to wait and see the outcome though.

The first two lines in this paragraph are okay, but that second one is definitely a fragment. I'd say just change the first period into a comma while putting something like "like how" instead of "what" and then you're good with a good complex sentence. That's just a minor thing I saw.


Dialogue -

So, I think this conversation had a decent flow. Having "said" used in back-to-back lines felt a little off. There are a couple of things to look at here though. First, a few statements had typos or just sounded a little flat.

Lacey speaking in all short, blunt statements at least at the beginning is not how I really pictured her, but it seems like she adds in a few more elements of her own later in the interview.

The questions Pete ask her seem to be very, very standard and kind of boring, especially as there are a few lines of straight-up only dialogue and no mention of body language or how someone is speaking. I think that would be a good thing to try to add, would be to maybe have Lacey shrug good-naturedly when she says playing Anne Frank wasn't really that fun.

I almost just wish to have a line of Pete saying "I'm just going to ask you regular kind of questions" but then ask something closer to the job, as it seems like he would want to ask her why an English major was applying to be a data entry clerk. Maybe I just don't know how getting a job is like.

In addition, I think that the characterization just goes down a little in the dialogue portion overall. It's nice to get to know Lacey better in general, but both her and Pete seemed a little flat until he felt embarrassed about getting asked about Kay Washington. That was a cute little scene.

I feel like the best way of getting more out of the conversations would be to just add in Lacey thinking about the questions or how to answer, so the reader feels more connected to her. In the short phone call with her father, I wanted more than just the "Okay" she gives when he has to go. I like the introspection after, but I felt like she might have an automatic reaction to him having to leave kind of abruptly.


The Last Two Paragraphs -

Learning more about her family makes me feel bad for Lacey, but I'm glad she at least wants to be happy in her view of eventually getting married and having a family. Good for her.

The way this ends on the presidential candidate caught my interest and my wonder as to where this is going to go. I doubt you'd mention that person without a reason, so I'm very curious as to where the next chapter will take off.


Overall:

I think this a pretty good introduction to this character of Lacey who is trying to find herself and wanting to find some kind of drive alike to her friends' ambitious views. The total fixation on Jack seemed a little abrupt but she did say she viewed having a family as something simple and what she would be fine with ending up.

The expository section of this flowed better than the actual dialogue for me, but I think there is plenty good here to build off of.

I'm very interested in the next portion! Hope this helped.




Elinor says...


Hey concord!

I'm so glad you liked this! Thanks for your advice! Mentioning the presidential candidate is indeed going to be significant later. ;) Hope you enjoy Part 2!




"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu