Hey there Elinor! Sorry this is so late, school was crushing me!
So, this part is pretty much all set-up, which comes with a lot of information that kinda made me lose track of the story, especially in the beginning.
Lacey moved to Calumet because she wanted a fresh start. The rent was low and the jobs were good, or so said everyone else. She’d left high school really knowing what she wanted to do with her life, and she’d just left college feeling just as clueless.
"So said everyone else" is a bit awkward, but that's a nitpick. Overall, I totally get this notion. I'm actually having a bit of that myself (I have noo idea what I'm going to do with my life after I finish my Masters) but why Calumet? I totally get the need to escape your hometown but Calumet feels like a town that has nothing that draws people to it (a lot of other towns have low rent and good jobs but usually people are drawn to those nameless towns for specific reasons. For example, my dad moved us to a town like that because he got a job offer close to it.) This is a question the story is setting up to, I think, but I'm asking something a bit different, I guess? Moving is a huge decision, and just deciding to move to a random, nondescript town is a hard sell to me personally.
Sarah, her best friend since both girls could first walk, was mystified. Calumet was the kind of town that people left, not the kind people moved to. Kay Washington, a prominent senator and rising star of the Democratic party, grew up there. But she’d left and never longer looked back as soon as she’d graduated high school. And Sarah had always dreamed of something more out of life. That she was destined for greatness, so to speak.
This is hard to read, because it jumps so many places. Perhaps I'm just tired but it was really hard to wrap my head around this. This is the story setting up the same question that I asked in the last paragraph, but what confuses me is that it goes from Sarah to Kay, then back to Sarah, but the second Sarah part doesn't correlate to what was said before. It's like a big set up that doesn't go anywhere, or goes to too many places and doesn't finish any of those places. What does Sarah dreaming of something more out of life have to do with Kay leaving Calumet? It's hard to put into words what I'm trying to get across, but I know you're trying to go somewhere with the first paragraph, and I kinda get it but I'm having to shove through the lines until I find the meaning instead of just garnering it from what's being written.
She’d spent a lot of her savings from the toy store on decorating it. Her father had protested, but she ignored him.
Idk, I'd've protested too xD, like, how much money does a recent college graduate have saved up? I mean, my personal answer for that is a huge '0'.
“What are some of the plays you did?”
“I was in the Chorus for Les Miserables. Then I was Anne Frank. That was fun. Well not fun. But I’m glad I did it.”
Why would the interviewer ask about the plays that Lacey did for a mathematics job? I get that he wanted to learn more about her, but that seems like information that, well, doesn't get that far in actually knowing that person. Acting in high school is much less personality based and much more "you're a good actor, here's a role you may or may not be fit for" and/or "i made the mistake of wanting to do an ensemble play so please help me out". I also totally get that the interviewer was already ready to give Lacey the job, so feel free to completely ignore this whole segment xD
A mischievous smile curled onto Jack’s lips. Lacey thought about what it would be like to kiss them, and then told herself to snap out of it.
Oof, she's lusting hard. Love it
Okay, so my general thoughts:
I had a hard time reading this in the beginning for a couple of reasons. Mainly the first paragraph was just hard to decipher which really put me off trying to push through and there was a looot of info dumping. However, now that I'm at the end, I quite liked what you have here. More importantly, I think I understand what you're going for with this story. It's a romance, which duh I should have figured out the moment the poster was mentioned but it's not really my forte (also, looking up at the tags, you have romantic on it, I'm a dummy lol) so I'm not used to the writing style. However, now that I've adjusted, I do like what you have here. The info-dumping makes sense, and I like the style on how... rigid it is, like Lacey doesn't really care. It's like she's put herself on autopilot because her goal in life is love-orientated and everything else other than that is hard to be enthusiastic about. So, the story itself doesn't really pick up until she lays eyes on her Prince Eric.
As a side note, you have a lot of a nostalgia in this story, which I shouldn't say I'm surprised. You're a very nostalgic person haha, but it shows with your Gone with the Wind poster and Prince Eric. I'm not sure how many people my age and younger even know what Gone with the Wind is (I myself only know because I'm a movie buff lol and, adjusted for inflation it's the highest grossing movie of all time because it was in movie theaters for years) or even who Prince Eric is (even as big Disney lover, I'm not sure which prince Eric is lol). Not saying any of that is bad, just wanted to point it out, and also that you put a lot of yourself into this story. I actually had to look at this story a couple times because I just saw so much of you in it. I know you fairly well, and have followed your life through what you update on your wall and personally. You're putting a lot of yourself in this story. I hope you find your Prince Eric as well <3
Anyways, I actually really enjoyed it! The beginning was a bit rough and didn't pull me in as well as I would have liked, but the ending is great. Can't wait to read (and hopefully review) part 2!
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
Donate