Young Writers Society

Hey EagkeFly,

Here for a review, your is quite easy and intresting. The thing is that you stop rhyming, when you have started with a rhythm, so why do you stop it . Secondly, if you put in stanza (maybe 2 ) it will be more understandable and more attractive as well . However the poem is good and i really like it.


If you have time , visit my profile and give your review, it will be very inspiring for me. ☺

Hi! Here to take a look

I had to look up what Amur is and I'm still not sure I understand where it relates to war as it seems to be a fashion brand that's environmentally friendly? I wondered at first if the poem was being metaphorical but I think you meant armour. It may be interesting to be less direct though. At the moment the language is very normal of a war poem - armour, weapons, marching, fight. Perhaps think what this war is about and help to show us through the change/ addition of other language. For example a war of the mind may use words like 'Barriers are set up' which could be either physical or mental barriers. An unnatural war or a criticism of technology may focus on imagery which is more mechanical. Perhaps the speaker is disenchanted with war. A quick example:

Metal clad, double skinned
we take up ageing arms,
getting ready, but never ready,
marching to an ill-spun fate.

I think that's the main thing about this piece. The topic is interesting but I'd like to see more emotional from the speaker and to really feel that sense of defeat and of not wanting to go. Currently it's not felt until the last few lines but you can change the tone to show us how defeated they feel already.

I'm also not sure gore is the best word - it doesn't tell us much. Isn't all war pretty messy? What is bad about this particular one? Is it corrupt? Is it brother vs brother? Is it a war for the wrong or petty reasons?

Sometimes thinking about the subject a bit more will give you some ideas of how to shape the poem.

Thanks for the read and keep up the good work!

~Heather

Hey EagleFly,

it looks like niteowl covered the spelling mistakes here and there, so I'll skip that.

Let's take a look at interpretation first.

Meaning
I interpreted this poem to be giving an in depth look at what goes on through the minds of soldiers during a war. Interestingly the poem is left without a context of time frame, people, country, or conflict, so these could be any soldiers in any war. While normally I really push for specificity because I think it helps readers connect to a piece, in this poem it worked. By being vague you've made the point that perhaps all soldiers (regardless of country or time period) go through some of the same experiences. War ultimately is war.

You give a somewhat sad and methodical approach to describing it, but don't go into any of the grisly details.

Let's look at some suggestions

Imagery
I really would love to see a bit of imagery in here. Like I said earlier there are few identifying details in the poem, but there's no reason that you couldn't insert a few details about the smells or tastes or appearances of the scene.

What does their armor look like? What sounds are heard on the battle front? What mementos to the soldiers cling to?

These sorts of details will make the poem leave an impression in the reader's mind.

Let's look at some places you did well in:

Word Choice
This is your best poem yet for word choice! I like that you phrase it "weapons are dished out" as that tells me a bit about the action and speaks to the casualness of the act.

I also like "We're marching out to our fate" - that's a great line, that has meaning at both a literal and figurative level - which is just what I like to see in poetry.

Keep up the nice word choice!

Emotion
I enjoyed that you dug a bit under the surface emotions of the speaker from "I am scared" or "I am sad" to really explore a few thoughts about what the soldiers are deeply feeling

You write that they feel "like they have already lost this fight" which might be true for many and is a sad thought.

I'd love for you to go even deeper in the emotional exploration and explain why they feel they'e lost and what they're leaving behind. In poetry every bit you can "dig deeper" into the details can provide worlds of meaning for your readers.

Closing
Never stop writing! I see you improving a lot in your poetry and getting better ever poem.

I look forward to reading your next piece!

~alliyah

Hi there EagleFly! Niteowl here for a quick review.

Overall, I like the idea of writing about a war, and it's interesting how the soldiers are already feeling down about it, instead of, say, illusions of glory and victory. I think there could be more to this, especially since it's tagged "humor". There's definitely room for some dark humor in a piece about war, but I'm not seeing it in this draft.

Editing because I just noticed the image. Interesting that you chose soldiers from the U.S. Civil War. I remember hearing about how people thought that war would be over quickly and even had picnics at the early battles. That appears to be a mixture of truth and fiction: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/was-first-battle-bull-run-really-picnic-battle-180964084/, but I know there's been other wars where people thought it would be quick and glorious, like early WWI. Another possible source of interest in this piece could be a conflict of people who support the war and think it'll be over in months versus those who have a more pessimistic/realistic view of the conflict.

Some spelling errors really quick

"Amur" should be "armor" (I thought it was a character named Amur at first, whoops)
"Were" should be "we're, as it's a contraction of "we are"

Like the have already lost this fight,