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Young Writers Society


12+

Blue Arrows ~ Ch. 1 ~ Different

by TheBlueCat


Nocking her arrow and pulling back her bow string, Eri set her gaze down the shaft of the polished black arrow and aligned the sky blue tip with her target. The bow quivered for a split second, the bright blue tail feathers quivering with, and then she released the string, sending the arrow soaring through the air. A long rope trailed behind. With a soft thud, the arrow reached its target, a tall pine tree with the bottom half of the branches stripped off, along with most of the bark to reveal the smooth grey wood underneath.

Eri, hidden in the shadows of the brush a moment before, sprinted across a small clearing toward the pine, slipping her bow into the quiver on her back. Using her running start, she propelled herself a good ways up the tree and started climbing on her rope. She soon reached the first branches and climbed into the tree, the branches barely shifting under her weight. She unlodged the arrow above her head and coiled up the rope. She also stuck that into her quiver with the other arrows. Eri took a quick check of her surroundings. She knew exactly where she was at once. She bounded through the trees, climbing a little with each branch. I hope I don't get caught, Eri thought. The she quickly dissmissed that thought with the comfort that she had only gotten caught on her first expedition, and that was out of carelessness, which Eri had now taken precautions against anything she could think of.

In no time at all, she reached her destination; a silver weeping willow, its blue-green leaves dragging on the mossy ground. Eri settled herself in a nearby oak tree to wait.

After a few short minutes, Eri heard voices nearby. The voices grew nearer, and then two small figures appeared around the side of the willow. They were cat people. It was a girl and a boy, appearing to be a couple, and they looked to be in their late teens. The boy was a tabby with according ears, tail, paws and a light covering of striped fur on his arms. He was dressed in a gray shirt and black jeans, contrasting his bright orange tabby color. The girl wore a short dark blue dress with embroidered stars, and she had gray ears and tail with whiskers and furry cat legs. They wandered through the glade, holding hands and talking lovingly with each other. Eri felt a small twinge of jeleousy deep in her heart, but she quickly pushed that away. She made sure she was positioned so she could see them, but they couldn't see her, and then she tuned in on their conversation.

"Look, you know I love you and will do anything for you, but-" The boy was cut off abruptly by an eyeroll and a sigh from the girl.

"If there's a 'but' then it's not anything." The cat girl pushed the boy playfully but firmly.

"Fine. Almost anything. But let me finish," the boy snapped, not unkindly. "As I was saying, I love you, but I'm not going to build us a house next to the river in that meadow. It's too close to the border with them."

"Alright. I guess I don't really want our children running around too close. It's still a prime spot though." the girl said with a thoughtful note in her words.

Eri felt a wave of anger surge inside her for the briefest moment, and then it subsided just as fast when she remembered how even her own outcasted people had rejected her.

The couple had climbed onto a sagging branch in the willow and were leaning on each other and talking lovingly about their future. Eri wanted to get closer but she didn't know how strong their hearing was. Come on, she reminded herself. These two don't have anything I need to know; I should get going before the sun gets too high and casts my shadow onto the ground. But she couldn't get herself to leave; not just yet.

After watching the two cat people for a while, Eri slowly shifted her weight to get other foot so she could get up. Almost before she could react, a deep red-purple apple dislodged itself under her foot. She caught it with magic, surrounding the apple with a shimmering sky blue glow. Her left palm also glowed with the blue magic. The only problem was that she had leaned forward a bit when she caught the apple, causing the branch she was crouching on to rustle its leaves. She cursed silently.

Before she could do anything, both cat people swung their heads around at the rustle, ears perked and eyes taking in every detail. They both noticed the floating apple at once, even though it touched the ground and stoped glowing an instant after they turned around. The girl glanced upward sharply and spotted Eri. She tapped the boy on his shoulder and pointed towards Eri. Eri didn't flinch. Maybe they will dismiss me as a trick of the light, Eri hoped.

"Come down and show yourself!" The girl shouted up towards Eri. Eri still didn't move.

"Maybe it was nothing." The boy whispered after a while.

"No. I know what I saw," she insisted. "Come down this instant!"

Eri hesitated for a moment more, and then when nobody moved, she let out a noiseless sigh and jumped down from her perch. Both of the cat peoples' eyes widened as Eri landed. She towered a good (2 feet) over their heads. For half a second, Eri thought she saw fear flash in their eyes, but then she blinked and it was gone.

"What do you want with us?" The boy's tail twitched, betraying his unease that didn't show in his voice.

"Nothing."

"Obviously not," the girl snorted. "Don't lie to us, Mixed."

Eri flinched, her hand starting towards her quiver, but she stoped and returned to her former position. The movement was so fast that the cat people didn't appear to notice.

Eri wanted to says so many things, insulting and anger filled things, but instead she simply said, "I did not lie."

The girl looked at Eri suspiciously. She opened her mouth to say something, but the boy butted in.

"Like we would believe you either way. But why are you here? On our territory?"

"The forest isn't divided into territories, anyone can live wherever they please, according to the laws of the land."

All she received was an angry grunt. He fumed for a moment, then said, "You still didn't answer the original question. Why are you here?"

"Can I not climb in the trees if I want?"

"Not if you're spying on us!"

"I wasn't spying."

"You were too. You weren't just passing by, if that's what you mean."

The girl's ear twitched, and she looked like she had just thought of something. "Didn't King Cosmo decree that Mixed must stay away from the citizens of the kingdom?"

Eri visibly flinched this time, but replied in a voice as calm as ever, "King Cosmo disappeared thirteen years ago. And did not receive the blessing of the Phoenix either."

"But he still became king, which means his word is law."

"Not without being properly crowned by the Phoenix. And am I not a citizen, being born in the forest and having my parents as citizens?"

"Not when your parents are a fairy and a cat person, you disgrace," the boy spat, abandoning all efforts to be courteous, even in the smallest amount. Eri didn't flinch this time, but she knew the cat boy could tell he was hitting a nerve.

"I cannot control who my parents were," Eri said.

"That does not mean it doesn't matter!" The girl glared at Eri, tail twitching. "I mean just look at you. You're nowhere near being a cat person, with all your too long scraggly limbs; and what a tragic fairy you would make with no wings, and cat ears and a tail to boot! See, you simply fit nowhere. Just leave the forest and die. You shouldn't even exist in the first place. You're too different from the rest of us, which means you are simply nothing."

The cat girl's words hit like hammer blows, bloodying and bruising an already existing wound. Now it was Eri's tail that twitched. 

"You will one day regret this," Eri promised, deadly quiet. She never made oaths lightly, and this was no exception. 

Eri backed into the shadows of the trees, glaring at the cat people. She noticed the dragging limbs of the willow were moving about without wind, and the girl's hands were glowing a yellow-green. The boy had silver glowing in his palms, and Eri did not wish to wait at see what his magic was, or how powerful either of theirs were. 

She reached a tree hidden deep within the shadows, and after uttering one final oath at the two, she darted up the tree and leaped through the branches. She could hear them jeering at her, but she didn't break stride. On and on she ran, only wishing to get away. Away from the cat people, away from her parentage, away from this world that hated her. And she ran. Away.


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Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:51 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey TheBlueCat! It's MJ, who is neither blue nor a cat, here to offer a human's opinion on this piece :)

I'm trying a new Thing™ where I don't do any nitpicks or correct grammar mistakes since that's something you can do on your own, and it gives me more time to devote to giving you a thorough run-down of your plot and your characters. I'm going to try and give you three pieces of advise and an overall summary of your work as a whole. Let's jump into it!

1) I really enjoyed the way you just thrust the reader into the action. It did an exxcellent job of drawing me in, and the way you wrote the scene was also impressive. You kept things moving at a quick pace but provided enough description so that it was clear what was going on. My one suggestion to you in this area is just varying sentence structure. By that, I mean instead of starting each sentence with [subject] [verb], use some prepositional phrases, dependent clauses, etc. This way, your writing style will seem more sophisticated and add another level of intrigue.

2) Although your beginning was excellent, you never really resolved that part of the plot. It was a great way to start the novel, but then you pretty much dropped this part of the plot, and at this point in the story, that's almost 1/2 of the action that you aren't resolving. By that, I mean that you never had the main character overcome the challenge. The reader is still left with questions. What was Eri running from? Why was she running from them? What are her pursuers like? Are they the "bad guys", and if so, why? After her encounter with the cat-people, she seemed to forget about the people who was pursuing her. That leads me into my third point...

3) You dropped the cat-people out of nowhere, and the way you introduced them leaves a lot to be desired. Although you cleared up a lot of the confusion I had surrounding them, I would recommend you find a more interesting way to introduce them. The way you introduce your readers to what I assume will be a major plot point and a category of your characters is a three-word sentence: They were cat-people. I love this idea, but I think that you could introduce this in a better way.

Overall, however, your writing style was impressive. I really enjoyed the way that you pulled the reader into the story. The action in this story and the way you addressed a different type of something like racism promise to make this story entertaining, original, and intriguing. Your writing style is impressive, and I think that you really have a good idea on your hands! I'll be back shortly to review your next chapter!

Excellent work, and above all, keep writing!

All my best,
MJTucker




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks so much! I'll definitely keep all this in mind c:



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Sat Sep 01, 2018 5:50 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey!! Hope you don't mind if I swing by today! I noticed this has been hanging out in the green room for a little white, and I figured I'd come help you dig it out!


Nocking her arrow and pulling back her bow string, Eri set her gaze down the shaft of the polished black arrow and aligned the sky blue tip with her target.


As a starting line for your novel, I'm sorry to say this doesn't really grab my attention. It's pretty long, and while that isn't inherently bad, it gives a lot of information for things that should have been introduced earlier because, as a beginning, I don't really care or connect to Eri as a character. I'm not interested in why she's shooting a polished black arrow. I don't know anything about her, and this doesn't do much to set the scene up. It feels like there should have been something before it, you know?

slipping her bow into the quiver on her back.


You don't...put a bow into a quiver?

She knew exactly where she was at once.


Yeah but we don't, so why is this being noted? Also, at this point I'm assuming she's here intentionally, and that she wasn't suddenly dropped in the middle of a forest with a bow and an arrow and the first thing that comes to mind is "shoot the tree", so why is she thinking "oh I know where I am"?


Again, since all that has happened is Eri shooting a tree and running around, there doesn't feel like there's any danger. Why is she worried about being caught? Who's going to catch her? There aren't any stakes right now since the reader knows nothing about what's going on except that Eri is an archer.


She made sure she was positioned so she could see them, but they couldn't see her,


I mean, to be fair, the general rule of thumb is that if you can see someone, they can see you. It's just a matter of how well you're hiding?

"If there's a 'but' then it's not anything."


I like this girl already.


Wait if they're teenagers, even late teens, why are they talking about having children and building houses?? Is this some sort of thing in their culture?? Either way I'm concerned.


Eri felt a wave of anger surge inside her for the briefest moment, and then it subsided just as fast when she remembered how even her own outcasted people had rejected her.


(outcasted isn't a word)
While I like the little sprinkle of Eri's backstory you throw in here! The rest still makes absolutely no sense. I'm still lost, and it's frustrating when you first start reading a novel (especially fantasy or scifi) and you're just throw into everything without an explanation. I get that this is the world your character has lived in their whole lives! They're not about to start explaining all the little bits and bobs about it! But there's also ways you can set it up so you can at least give some information as to what's going on. It's not necessarily a bad thing that you don't explain everything, because obviously you don't want to be infodumping, but this almost feels like the opposite of infodumping. Your describing everything, which is fine! I'm usually shoving people into descriptions more because that's my jam haha, but I want more substance to this so I can actually fall into the story and understand what's going on. Remember, your reader doesn't know the ins and outs of what's going on like you do, and that's a tricky place to be! But I've only been given a picture in my head without any explanation as to why or what's going on.

Those two don't have anything I need to know; I should get going before the sun gets too high and casts my shadow onto the ground.


I'm pretty sure that's not the correct use of a semi-colon but please don't refer to me for grammar advice lol.
Regardless!! I love this little detail! I feel like that's something that would have slipped by me but it's a genuine concern and I like how you included it.

She towered a good (2 feet) over their heads.


Why is 2 feet in parenthesis?

"King Cosmo disappeared thirteen years ago. And did not receive the blessing of the Phoenix either."


Normally, I would be okay with one of the characters saying something like this, but since there's already been so much happening without explanation, this just serves to be another rub in the wrong direction. I don't know what the blessing of the Phoenix is, I don't know who King Cosmo is or why he disappeared, I don't know why Eri is trying not to get caught or what will happen if she does.


I changed my mind I don't like that girl. Some needs to give Eri a hug and chocolate.


I also wish you had mentioned Eri having a cat tail and ears before? Unless I just completely skipped over it which would be my bad of course, but that seems like it would be...pretty important to note before the tail end of the chapter.


Overall! I do like your writing style! It's clean and easy to read and it runs through, for the most part, pretty smoothly. Despite my complaints, I like how you've slid in information about the world instead of telling us all about it. Still! I think this whole beginning wouldn't suffer if you had some more set up as to what's going on, because from that whole chapter, I haven't really learned anything except the Eri is what's known as Mixed, and they're an outcast community from the rest of the cat people (although I'm curious to know if or why the fairies would feel the same? Are the cat people and the fairies in conflict with each other? If they are peaceful, why are the Mixed shunned from society?).

Now I understand that what those two people said hurts (they're bullies and jerks and Eri did nothing to them and I don't like them ):< ) but she seems like she's now going to go on a quest of revenge against them? Like, it sounds like they killed her family or something. Planning some big revenge scheme seems over dramatic, but I also don't know Eri well enough to figure out how she might handle this! So this could prove inconsequential, but perhaps I'd tone down the "she never goes back on her oaths" a little bit haha.

I don't know if I'll be able to stick with the story, but I plan on reviewing the next chapter. That said, I hope you keep up the good work and I wish you luck! Sorry if I was repetitive in my assessments.

I hope you have a fantastic day! :)




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks so much! I will definitely come back here when I'm revising c: It's so hard to give you what I see, so thanks for letting me know!!



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Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:19 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Ey hello! I'm really excited to read this (I remember that first draft sort of chapter you wrote a little while ago and I had really enjoyed it). Anyway, from what I know from the other chapter (assuming you're going with a similar plot) and from what I've read here, I'm very intruiged. I think you did a great job in this chapter captivating the reader - the mention of cat people and a 'Mixed' person sets the fantasy world up.

The cat-people couple was definitely interesting. I like how they show the side of the world where Mixed folk aren't accepted and the obvious hatred and discrimination towards them. However, I wonder how prominent the couple will be? Eri promises to get some sort of revenge on them (and if she's experienced this sort of thing a lot, it seems kind of odd to). Anyway, I was just curious how important these characters are. The way Eri says it makes it seem like they will be, but if she's experienced this so much what makes her make this oath to one particular person (what in this instance ticked her off?). I'm also just inferring that this thing happens a lot - maybe it doesn't??

The bow quivered for a split second, the bright blue tail feathers quivering with, and then she released the string, sending the arrow soaring through the air.


I think you're missing something like "it" after the "with". Also not sure about the use of the word quiver (unless it's a pun looool). Either way, maybe cut down on one of the "quivered"s?

I like how we get to see a bit of Eri's personality in this, which is something that I think is really important for first chapters. She comes across as strong and independent, despite all that's happened to her. Like, she was ostracized by her own people?? Yikes. Anyway, I do like how we get to follow the story of a girl who's in a society as the minority and a clearly not very well accepted one at that.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this first chapter and I think that's all I have to say! :)

Hope this helps <3

~EternalRain




TheBlueCat says...


THANK YOU! I'm so glad you liked it! c: I think the revenge thing is going to be important later but maybe it was just a general "I will get back at all who hate me" Idk xD
I'm also sooo happy that Eri's personality is coming across right. Thank you so much again for your thoughts and suggestions <3 ^-^




I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.
— Leo Tolstoy