z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Blood On Snow (Chapter 1)

by LivitheWriter4


“I am an outcast amongst my family and friends.”

I walked to town with my sister. She wore a finely tailored dress that fit her perfectly. It was red, and it looked very good with her long, brown hair and chocolate colored eyes. I wore a drab grey dress that was dusty and blended in with my grey eyes and blonde hair. As soon as we got to town, she broke off from me and went towards her group of friends. I went off towards my friends.

“You really should wear something more colorful,” said one called Felicity.

“You should do something with your hair besides wear it back,” said another called Freya.

“Let’s go to my house,” said one other called Lilith. The other girls nodded in agreement. I nodded reluctantly. We walked to Lilith’s house, because it was very close to town. To say her home was a house wasn’t what it really was. It was a mansion. Her mother greeted us when we came in.

“Good morning ladies. Would you like some tea?” she asked. We all said “No thank you” politely and went with Lilith to her room. When we were all in, Lilith closed the door.

“Adelia, we are going to give you a do-over,” she said and the other two nodded. I sighed and nodded because once Lilith made up her mind, the was no changing it.

They went to her humongous closet and started going through her clothes. They were arguing for a little bit before they all came out, triumphantly holding a dark-emerald coloured skirt with a cream coloured blouse. Felicity held cream colored stockings and cream gloves, and Freya held stylish black leather boots. They shoved all of those into my hands and ushered me into Lilith’s dressing room.

I changed out of my old grey dress and torn, now dirty stockings and into the new outfit. Lilith had a full length mirror in there, and I looked in it. The skirt and blouse looked new on me, and I felt uncomfortable. Why did I go along with this? I look ridiculous in this getup! I threw my old outfit in the trash bin. Lilith wouldn’t want me keeping that. I walked out.

“Quickly! Let me do your hair!” Lilith said. She pulled me towards a chair and forced me to sit down. She pulled at my hair with a brush and then a comb, when finally, she finished brushing my hair. She then pulled it up half up and half down. She then dragged me over to a mirror.

My hair actually looked good! She made it so I could see light brown streaks in my hair I have never seen before.

“Let us go to the party now!” Lilith said. She ushered us out, sneaking past her mother, and brought us to one of her many carriages. She instructed the coachman to take us to the place where the party was held. All too soon we arrived and got out.

“Adelia,” Lilith hissed, “Just follow my lead.” I nodded, feeling a bit nervous. She went up to one of the lord’s sons and started talking to him. To my surprise, he continued the conversation. Well, I guess I can’t stick with her. I surveyed the room, looking for Felicity and Freya, but I could not see them anywhere. I noticed a door leading to a garden, and went to go outside.

“I see you are not very interested in the party, my lady,” a masculine voice came from behind me. I turned around saying, “Do not call me a lady, because I have no royal blood running through my veins.”

He looked me up and down. “Are you sure? Because it sure does look like you do.”

“You can thank Lilith for that,” I snapped, turning around and going out the door and into the gardens. I heard footsteps fall in behind me, and I quickened my pace, starting to run. I heard him start to run behind me. After a small amount of time he caught up to me and grabbed my waist.

“What do you want from me?” I nearly shouted.

“I would like to know your name,” he calmly said, “I am Jonathan Green, son of Lord Jacob Green and Lady Lilly Green.”

“Well, since you are pressing me, I am Adelia Smith, firstborn daughter of Victor Smith and Alice Smith.”

“That is a very lovely name,” he noted.

“Thank you,” I thanked him.

“A name fit for a lady of the court,” he continued. I raised my eyebrows.

“In case you were wondering, I am only sixteen, and you haven’t even met my parents!” I snapped.

“But I have met you,” he responded.

“I must go, my friends are calling me,” I said coldly, and quickly walked back to the party.

I searched for Lilith, but she was still talking to the lord’s other son, so looked for Felicity and Freya. They were both talking with young men. Well, I always knew I was the black sheep of the group. I went to the food table, grabbed a cloth napkin, and filled it food for my family. We were very poor, so that is why. I left and went outside. I was walking for a little bit when I heard someone calling my name.

“Adelia! Adelia!” Lilith shouted as she ran up to me. “Why did you leave?” she questioned.

“I am not welcome there Lilith! I am a weed amongst roses! Let me leave!” I told her, “Please, Lilith. Please.” When I said that, I knew she had given in.

“Alright, but I expect you to listen to me recall tonight tomorrow,” she said. I nodded. She walked away. When she was gone a bit, she turned back to shout something, but her eyes widened.

“Adelia! Look out!” she screamed. I turned around in wonder, but I just saw a horse speeding towards me.

“Thank you, Lilith. For every-” I started to say just before the horse hit and clobbered over me. The driver kept on driving. Lilith sprinted up to me. She held me bleeding head in her arms as she sobbed.

“Thank you, Lilith. For everything,” I softly whispered, “Please make sure my family never starves. Have a lovely family with the lord’s son. Goodbye.” The world around me grew darker every moment.

“No, Adelia, don’t go, please!” Lilith sobbed, “Please!” The world grew black, and just as I saw a bright light come towards me, I heard Lilith scream, “No!”


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Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:21 am
ViaLia wrote a review...



Wow. This story had many changes. I'm surprised that nobody mentioned this, but it sounds like you used names that were popular during the time period you were using! I also felt like Adelia could've just left her "friends" and done things her way. In the end, it did seem like her friend Lilith cared about her a little bit, even though she seemed to be a bit of a snob. I am also surprised that Adelia didn't move out of the way. I mean, horse-drawn carriages are pretty slow, so she could've moved out of the way. This is a really good story, and I am looking forwards to reading more!!!!




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Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:33 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, I really just came here to read the rest of the story before I review Chapter 3 out of the Green Room for you, but I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this.

“Adelia! Look out!” she screamed. I turned around in wonder, but I just saw a horse speeding towards me.

“Thank you, Lilith. For every-” I started to say just before the horse hit and clobbered over me. The driver kept on driving. Lilith sprinted up to me. She held me bleeding head in her arms as she sobbed.


Why didn't Adelia move out of the way?

Like, it's fine if there's not time for her to move out of the way or even if she sees the horses coming and panics and sort of freezes up and fails to move, even if she did have time. But...instead of any of that, she immediately starts thanking Lilith, like she's already dying. Which just felt really strange to me. Like, c'mon, man, just get the heck out of the way and you can avoid this whole debacle.

I realize she's got to die for the story to start, since this is going to be a reincarnation thing. That's fine. I just think it's got to be handled a little differently so it doesn't leave readers going, "Uh, she could've just moved instead of saying "thank you."




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Tue May 22, 2018 5:51 pm
Teddybear wrote a review...



Okay, I read it and, well, I always promise to never critique the story itself, so I won't do that. So no content editing from me, but everything else is up for me to pick apart, so here we go. I will apologize in advance for my bluntness.

First and foremost, your writing style could use some work. I've given up telling myself not to judge the style a book is written in, but it really is a big factor in how much readers enjoy it, so here we are. The biggest problem is, it's awkward. The sentences don't just flow like they should and it feels a little choppy. It's like this, if you just say 'I was wearing a such and such outfit and I did such and such thing' it feels unnatural, like a history book. 'The queen wore a green dress to the gala', it's not interesting. A better way to write it would be something like this, 'I walked beside my mother into the such and such room with my drab colored skirt swirling around my ankles, in sharp contrast to the bright red of my mothers dress, and my hair continuing the pattern by swinging around my shoulders in dull blonde tendrils while hers was styled up neatly to compliment her good looks and red lipstick, which had a tiny smudge on one side, I noticed as I walked beside her.' This way you get more description of the room (which you would add, but I didn't because I'm in a hurry right now and I should probably be getting actual work done since my last day of school is next week) and you get to add little details, which is a big deal because if you just give your readers the simple descriptions, eye color, hair color, etc., they won't be able to picture the characters and setting clearly. An example, the old woman had grey hair and wise green eyes, not a bad description, but you can't get a super clear picture from that, the elderly woman had stringy grey hair and deep wrinkles around her wise, green eyes', This way you can get a clearer image in your head, see what I mean? I hope so because I'm moving on.

Secondly, your first sentence. Why would I pick this sentence in particular? Well, you're not dumb, obviously, it's because it's the hook sentence. What's wrong with it? Well, to put it bluntly, as is my style, it's weak. I wasn't drawn in, I'm assuming 'I'm an outcast among my family and friends' is supposed to be the grabber sentence, either that or 'I walked to town with my sister', and since the second one is simply depressing, I'ma go with the first. So, what I find wrong with it is, it doesn't make me ask questions. Now, I realize that, if you happen to be American, you probably never had anyone teach you anything about actual writing because the American public school system is just the worst. I'm not sure about if you live elsewhere (if you do, lucky you, they make the USA out to be this wonderful land of freedom and whatnot, but it's really the worst as far as even trying to fix any problem ever), but if you live here, let me play English-teacher-who-knows-what-she's-talking-about-via-actual-experence for a minute. The first sentence of a story should make the reader ask questions, and yours just doesn't. You could argue that it makes you ask why the MC is an outcast, but most fictional characters are outcasts in some way, shape or form, so that's not really a reason to keep reading. I'd have started this story with something along the lines of, 'I didn't want to get a makeover, I didn't want to get hit by a horse, life is unfair.' or 'I need new friends.' that second one os a little weak, but I'm working with what I have. These sentences have you asking questions, the first one has you asking obvious ones, like, why would she be getting a makeover? SHE GETS HIT BY A HORSE?! Or, what do a makeover and getting hit by a horse have to do with each other? This way, your readers are compelled to keep reading, consciously or subconsciously, because of these questions. It's a simple psychological hack, once you start something, you want to finish it, when you have a question, you want it answered, and so on (I studied psychology for a while when I was homeschooled, then again while I was in regular public school out of sheer boredom, so I have at least a moderate understanding of the subject).

Well, that's all I got for now, and also, I gotta get to cleaning (it's my advisorys week and the school dosent have a janitor, so it's the students job, small price to pay for an actual education). Bye bye.






I have published the second chapter. That might clear up some things for you.



Teddybear says...


Alright then



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Fri May 04, 2018 12:43 pm
NoName wrote a review...



Hello LivitheWriter4,

Here is my take on the story so far:

“I am an outcast amongst my family and friends.”

Seriously, throughout the whole chapter Adelia is with her friends and her friends are doing makeup and getting dressed up and going to party, she doesn't look like an outcast to me. She would have been an outcast if no one liked to hangout with her. She got alone at a party and wandered off the garden, big deal. Met a boy, didn’t she​? Lilith sure cares about Adelia, Otherwise why would she scream when Adelia had the accident.

I think that she would live, you need her, and I am guessing this is her story. Honestly, I think accident with a horse carriage is hilarious, maybe it’s a dark humor or maybe it only seems funny to me. As much as I know if a horse carriage crashes it would be at least problematic for the horse. Ideally, the horse should have detached itself from the carriage and the carriage would have been damaged, you didn’t mention any of it. I guess, you are taking too much writer’s liberty. Horses are sensitive and more caring than humans so a carriage pulled by a horse hitting Adelia, knocking her unconscious; I am more worried about the horse.

I would say that if she hadn’t had the accident it would have been too uneventful. So, thumbs up for almost killing her. You should break her leg or something.

About that Lord’s son, grabbing a girl by her waist on first encounter; quite confident. I like him.
There is a good chance that he is a pervert, and definitely not a gentleman. I’m pretty sure he would have continued to chase her even when she wanted to bail out of the party. He would have gone out with her because one minute he was O so confident and minute later he just backed off. I don’t subscribe to this. You should at least made him chase Adelia, and make him watch the accident, but I am hoping we get to these in upcoming chapters. Anyway it’s you novel.

I really loved your title.




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Thu May 03, 2018 6:38 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, LivitheWriter4. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

Impression on Story thus Far:


I must say, it went from elegant to climatic real quick. I did not expect the ending to end like that. I enjoyed the dialogue. The voices of elegance and nobility, and the fashion you portrayed. Definitely puts the genre ‘historical fiction’ in there. Adelia is now dead, but I feel like she is going to come back to life, but as herself or something else? I wonder. This was a pretty interesting read. I enjoyed the imagery of the setting and characters. You portrayed the historical part well, and you seem to know the way nobles talk, with elegance and manners. I don’t have much more to say about this chapter since I didn’t really find anything wrong with it. As for as I know anyways. I can’t wait to read the next chapter. I want to know what happens next. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day. Oh, and welcome to the site.

- Kanome




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Wed May 02, 2018 4:17 pm
elysian wrote a review...



Hello! Here to review your chapter :-)

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Grammar:

“You should do something with your hair besides wear it back,” said another called Freya.


*wearing

We walked to Lilith’s house, because it was very close to town.


*no comma after house

Lilith had a full length mirror in there, and I looked in it


*full-length

She went up to one of the lord’s sons and started talking to him.


*Lord's

I noticed a door leading to a garden, and went to go outside.


*no comma after garden

After a small amount of time he caught up to me and grabbed my waist.


*time,

The Story

I walked to town with my sister. She wore a finely tailored dress that fit her perfectly. It was red, and it looked very good with her long, brown hair and chocolate colored eyes. I wore a drab grey dress that was dusty and blended in with my grey eyes and blonde hair. As soon as we got to town, she broke off from me and went towards her group of friends. I went off towards my friends.


There is a mix of good and bad in this paragraph. I love the detail you gave in explaining the two characters, but I feel like it's a very plain sentence structure. Instead of telling me what they're wearing, show me. and the last two sentences are not very good, they just state things instead of explaining and showing the reader things.

“You really should wear something more colorful,” said one called Felicity.

“You should do something with your hair besides wear it back,” said another called Freya.

“Let’s go to my house,” said one other called Lilith.


Something that helps to keep writing interesting is changing up the syntax, or sentence structure of sentences. For example, you say the same thing three times in a row here. Here's an example of a way to make it more interesting and not repetitive.

“You really should wear something more colorful,” said Felicity.

“You should do something with your hair besides wear it back,” suggest Freya.

“Let’s go to my house,” Lilith proposed.


This way, you're still introducing the characters without saying "said the one called" three times in a row.

The other girls nodded in agreement. I nodded reluctantly. We walked to Lilith’s house, because it was very close to town. To say her home was a house wasn’t what it really was. It was a mansion. Her mother greeted us when we came in.


Here is another example of short, bland sentences. Let me show you an example of how I would write this paragraph:

The other girls nodded in agreement, so I nodded reluctantly. It didn't take us very long to walk to her house because it was just on the outskirts of town. To call her home a house was an understatement-it was a mansion. The archways in the front of the house seemed to tower over the rest of the houses surrounding it, and the door alone was magnificent. Lilith's mother greeted us as we entered into the marble-floored foyer with a smile, “Good morning ladies, would you like some tea?” We all politely declined as we climbed the spiraling staircase with Lilith to her room.

I threw my old outfit in the trash bin. Lilith wouldn’t want me keeping that. I walked out.


Instead of making a new sentence to simply say "I walked out", instead combine the sentences so it doesn't seem so choppy.

Okay, there was more of the same things I mentioned above, but I finished reading now. My first thought was that this was just going to be like all the other prince and princess stories, but the last scene definitely made it more original. I really liked that action, but I feel like I didn't know enough about the character to feel bad about what happened. Make the reader grow closer to the character by adding more details about what she's thinking and details about her life before killing her, to make us mourn her loss.

I also didn't love her interaction with the Lord. She seemed to be mad for no reason, and it seemed childish. Maybe revise it a little?

Overall, I'm very intrigued. Can you tag me in upcoming chapters? <3

- Delonie




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Wed May 02, 2018 1:53 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



Hello, I might write a review, but it will be small, because there is not alot wrong with this that I can see.


First off: You could give just alittle bit more information on where they are exactly at.

Secondly: Descriptions.
You could also tell more about the two characters.

Overall: I really enjoyed this. You did very well... Congrads!





I exist as I am, that is enough
— Walt Whitman