Young Writers Society

Hello this is THE ONE AND ONLY YOU WILL EVER FIND FOXMASTER!!!! Bursts in applause!
Soooooooooooo... mhhh hmmmm hmmm! Drama, family drama, random little brother, a dinner and expecting to get a medal? Let's see where we're going here......

Seventeen-year-old Evelyn is the eldest daughter of King Saran and heir to the throne of Sirila. Her life has always been relaxed and lavish. She always has the best of everything and believes her father is a good king who genuinely cares about his people.

She couldn't be more wrong....

Comodore skipped into the room and plonked himself down on my four-poster bed. He gave me a gap-toothed grin. "Mari made fun of me because my shoes was scruffy, but I pushed her in the pond!"

I put my hand over my mouth. "Comodore!"

He grinned again and bounced up and down. "Mama shrieked and waved her arms in the air. It wasn't that deep. Treasure thought it were funny."

I slipped into my en suite and changed into my favourite purple dress and fur-lined cloak, placing my regal crown on my head.

I smiled at myself in the mirror. I looked amazing.

"Come on, Modo." I stepped out of my en suite and made my way down the stairs.

The palace was beautiful. Stained-glass windows, suits of armour lining the corridors, gold banisters - it was the best place, for me, in the world.

We stepped out of the huge main doors and made our way across the grounds towards the Great Hall.

As I walked past the old treasury, I noticed two guards sneaking out of it. They looked around nervously, then darted off in the direction of the guardrooms.

I frowned. The treasury was off-limits to everyone, and anyone who went in there was severely punished.

I walked towards it. What were they doing in there? I'd be in bad trouble, but at least I'd find out if they were up to anything. I might even get a medal...

I think this is the final piece of yours I need to review and then I'm all caught up so you'll have to post something new!

Specifics

1. The introduction paragraph is a bit too telling and reads kind of like the detail you'd put on the blurb of the book. It's not an engaging way to start the story though - we should start in the head of the narrator, learning about the world and its people and these kind of details will come through in dialogue or in the way the characters act. If Evelyn is loving and sweet toward her father then we'll know she believes he is good and you can show us that she's not used to conflict when it starts happening in the story. People will generally assume that a princess has had a sheltered life anyway unless you tell them otherwise so you can let the stereotypes work in your favour a bit.

2. The next part does a really good job of telling us that Evelyn is content and sheltered so good work! And I love the little pet name she has for her brother. Super cute.

Overall

So there's not much here yet but you manage to give us a good sense of Evelyn being someone who's fairly carefree and pleasant and I think her thoughts on getting a medal for catching someone up to no good really sum that up. There's a sense that she's playing at being someone important but doesn't really understand the pressures which can come with that or how bad things like corruption can be.

Modo is cute, though I'm surprised he's not instantly up for looking into what's going on with the treasury since it seems he's a bit of a scamp.Then again, it's also a very little brother thing to tell your siblings off for the things they tell you off for! So it kind of works.

That's really all I have to say on this - clean up the beginning and keep up the brother-sister dynamic because that's coming across well.

Until next time!

~Heather

Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

The title caught my attention into wanting to figure out more of what is going to happen. So, your main concept of having the king hold something darker to the throne and Evelyn may be finding that out as the novel progresses. I haven't read a lot of fantasy pieces, but I do think that this piece does have potential.

The first opening of this just brings out the characters through dialogue. That is kind of risky business as you do not provide information or background about the characters, for the exception of Evelyn. I think maybe you could start off with something simple such a scene where her younger brother is running down the halls of the castle with something important to say. That would also give somebody some setting placement of where this story is taking place. You are killing two birds with one stone, in that sense. In the same vein, you don't exactly mention where Evelyn is at, leaving the reader to assume she is in her room or something. Again, add some setting to the beginning and that will make it run smoother.

I like how you give a bit of personality to Modo with the "it were funny" and then Evelyn scolding him saying its "it was funny". Classic sibling annoyance, though I wouldn't know since I'm an only child.

When she changes into her dress, I was kind of hoping that she would push her little brother out of the room and she spends some time just being hard on herself for being late. Since this isn't the case, where exactly did she change? I know that it may seem a bit too noticing but I felt that it may help clear up that small transition.

The palace was beautiful. Stained-glass windows, suits of armour lining the corridors, gold banisters - it was the best place, for me, in the world.

We stepped out of the huge man doors

Hi, Danni88! Pan dropping in for a quick review. As this is such a short chapter, I'm just going to work through it chronologically and give you my thoughts and pointers. I'll round off with some overall conclusions at the end. Let's go!

"Evie?" my little brother Comodore called. He tapped on my door.

I slipped into my en suite and changed into my favourite purple dress and fur-lined cloak, placing my regal crown on my head.

I smiled at myself in the mirror. I looked amazing.

The palace was beautiful. Stained-glass windows, suits of armour lining the corridors, gold banisters - it was the best place, for me, in the world.

As I walked past the old treasury, I noticed two guards sneaking out of it. They looked around nervously, then darted off in the direction of the guardrooms.

I frowned. The treasury was off-limits to everyone, and anyone who went in there was severely punished.

@Rydia @UtterlyBonkers @AlexTheGreat @izanami @KatieC @Ooo @CarolineGlitter