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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 26.1

by Que


Finnley hurled himself to his feet when he heard the door to the shop opening. Henry stood up too, but Finnley had left the battered couch behind and was pounding towards the stairs. He stopped on the sixth one down, like a bird ready for flight. The scene laid out beneath him made something inside of him hum with happiness.

“Mom!” he cried, spotting her just inside, and when she looked at him with brown eyes that mirrored his own relief, he sprang down the rest of the stairs and wrapped her in a hug. She held him tightly, pressing her cheek to the side of his face. It was slightly damp from tears, but he didn’t mind. Finnley could remember the times when she would rest her chin on top of his head with a little smile — he was taller than she was now. How long had it been since they’d last hugged?

“I’m so glad you’re alright,” he said, his voice dropping to a whisper as he added, “I don’t know what I would do without you.” He surprised himself with the words. He hadn’t known they were true until he said them out loud. Suddenly his throat felt very dry. His mom squeezed him tightly and then pulled back, looking him up and down before returning her eyes to his face.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” she replied, and Finnley saw that her worry had been just as strong as his own; it was still etched onto her face. He could only nod; he hadn’t thought — well, she had seemed like the one in danger. The one who might not come back. Now, knowing — not just seeing, but knowing — that his mother was alright, there was someone else he needed to check on. His focus slowly expanded to include the rest of the room and see Mr. Vaughn standing at his mother’s side, with Henry crossing the room toward them.

“Where’s Mia?” he asked. If his mother was fine, then where was his friend? He looked between Henry and Mr. Vaughn, practically daring them to say that she wasn’t okay. She had to be okay.

“She’s alright, Finnley,” Mr. Vaughn reassured him. “We dropped her off at home with Fred. She’s sleeping. She only had a few minor burns, but… it’ll take a while to recover. I’m sure they have a lot to talk about between them.” He caught sight of Finnley’s face and added, as a precaution, “It may be best not to come over for a while. They have plenty of things to work out.”

Finnley nodded again, beginning to feel like a bobblehead. He understood what Mr. Vaughn, but couldn’t quite process the scope of it. They were safe. His mom was back. Mia would need time to recover — how much time would it last? The past weeks had born witness to how much Mia had been through, how much she had already changed. It was so much that Finnley feared what recovery might take. Feared that Mia might not still be herself by the end of it.

He pressed forward. There was one thing left he needed to know before he could let the tension slide from his shoulders. “And… the nightmare horse. Is it gone?”

“Yes. We’ve destroyed its magical influence and returned it to its proper state. All is as it should be,” Mr. Vaughn informed Finnley and his mother. This made very little sense to Finnley, but it was enough of a confirmation, and he lacked the energy to ask more questions that day. Finnley’s mom seemed to feel her son’s exhaustion and gently took him by the shoulder.

“We’re going home,” she announced. “Finnley’s going to need a day off after everything. We’re going to put his magical training on hold until I know the full extent of what we’re getting into. The little spells he’s been doing seem fine, but it seems that dangers come with the magic. I want no part of it until we know what connects everything going on.” She met Mr. Vaughn’s eyes with a less-than-pleasant stare, but he nodded respectfully in return. Something about the gesture was weary as well.

“Take care,” Henry called after them, and Finnley could’ve sworn he winked as they walked out.

They exited the shop, and Finnley was startled to see that night was falling. The late evening shadows stretched ever longer as he and his mother made their way home. “I was so scared,” his mom began, “when I saw that horse going after you two on the motorcycle. That thing… it was so, so fast. But I had to get Mia out of there.”

“I wanted to go back for you, but Monica was driving,” he replied with a little humorless laugh. “We managed to stay ahead of the thing, and lost it at the ravine. We headed straight for the shop after that and Mr. Vaughn went out after the nightmare creature.”

“She’s… Monica’s gone, then?” his mom replied. Just one look at Finnley’s face must have been enough confirm it because she sighed in sympathy. “I’m sure she’ll be back as soon as she can, Finnley.”

“I know,” he said quietly. It felt petty to be upset with Monica for leaving him. For being dead. “I just… I didn’t know if you were alright, or if Mia was alright, and then Monica left… and it was just like losing everyone I love at once. I didn’t know what to do.”

Finnley felt tears gathering in his eyes, but they refused to fall. His mom took his hand and squeezed it lightly and he squeezed it back. Neither of them spoke for the rest of the walk.

When they reached their home, Finnley had never heard such a welcome sound as the front door creaking open. He wanted to go straight to bed, to sleep off all the pain and terror of the day, of even the last few weeks with Mia falling to pieces, but his mother was here. She was safe and sound and not working the evening away. “How about I order in some dinner?” he suggested, “Then we can talk a little. About — about all of this.”

When his mother smiled, her face was full of gratitude, of relief. They’d both been through a lot. Finnley ordered some Chinese takeout, then made for the shower to get the stench of smoke out of his skin. He turned his face up to the stream of warm water and scrubbed himself with soap until he felt like a new peron. 


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425 Reviews


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Sun Mar 25, 2018 1:04 am
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey! Lareine here to drop a cool review on this cool work of prose. I haven't read the previous chapters, so I might miss some stuff based on context alone, and I won't be reviewing overall plot or characterization. Instead, I'll focus on style and efficiency in the writing.

Overall: This would be a lot stronger, I think, if there was less focus on the style and world and more focus on the characters and their actual reactions. Finnley is relieved, his mother is relieved, they obviously just had a stressful moment, but I don't get a real sense of any of this through the text itself.

Details:

First, starting from the beginning, some of your phrases had me a little off-kilter. For example:

He stopped on the sixth one down, like a bird ready for flight.
Because all birds ready for flight stop on the sixth step down! I mean, who doesn't know that? -- But seriously, you could probably tweak the phrasing here just by adding a word like "perched" or "posed" to describe HOW he's like a bird. Otherwise, the reader is left lacking a little.

[W]hen she looked at him with brown eyes that mirrored his own relief, he sprang down the rest of the stairs and wrapped her in a hug.
Because if she had looked at him with green eyes instead -- or brown eyes that weren't relieved -- he wouldn't have hugged her. You can simplify this --
“Mom!” he cried. He sprang down the rest of the stairs and wrapped her in a hug. She sighed her relief and hugged him back.
Or something like that, to focus more on the characters' actions than just how they look.

His focus slowly expanded to include the rest of the room and see Mr. Vaughn standing at his mother’s side, with Henry crossing the room toward them.
Mr Vaughn is standing at his mother's side, but he's also standing with Henry crossing the room? That's what your phrasing has it like. I know this is really nitpicky, but these kinds of phrases need to be killed before they reach the page in most cases, and you've had a lot just in the first few paragraphs of the chapter. It's distracting for me as a reader to have to think about what a sentence is supposed to mean, or have to parse it in my head in order to understand the story.

“Take care,” Henry called after them, and Finnley could’ve sworn he winked as they walked out.

They exited the shop, and Finnley was startled to see that night was falling.
You just said they walked out. You don't need to repeat that they exited.

Second, I don't know if this is explained earlier in the text, but it's killing me that everyone calls him Finnley. Is there a reason that absolutely no one calls him Finn? Wouldn't adults want to call a kid by their nickname instead of their full name when trying to reassure them? Wouldn't someone call him by a nickname in general? This might have been explained in early chapters, but jumping into a late chapter, it bugs me, because Finnley looks so awkward when there's an obvious short form available.

Finally, your style is killing the piece a little. You're kind of overbearing with your tone -- which, again, might be a stylistic choice carried from earlier chapters. But I don't get a sense for who Finnley really is, and I don't get a look inside his mind as much as I get a look at the world around him. And right now, the world around him isn't very interesting to me as a reader. I'd rather know what he's feeling, how he's feeling it, how it's affecting him emotionally and physically.

You emphasize words and ideas a lot without really showing us how they affect the characters -- sure, they're relieved, but how do they act because they're relieved? Does anyone act startlingly different from their normal self? Surely someone must have an exaggerated stress reaction that would have shocked Finnley.

I'm left kind of hanging in this abyss where I have a world to read about, but not really characters. This can work sometimes but not all the time, and right now it's not working for me.

Keep writing!




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Sat Mar 17, 2018 3:27 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia! I'm in no-review territory??? Who'd've thunk it? This will actually be my 350th review, so I must say I'm delighted to claim my first blue star by critiquing your lovely novel. Let's get stuck in!

Finnley hurled himself to his feet when he heard the door to the shop opening. Henry stood up too, but Finnley had left the battered couch behind and was pounding towards the stairs.


I'm being picky, but it doesn't quite sit right with me to mention that Henry stood up, as I don't feel like Finnley would be paying attention to what people around him were doing. His attention would tunnel around the sound of the door opening and he'd be down the stairs like a shot - he wouldn't even be thinking about Henry. The details you mention or don't mention can tell us a lot about the viewpoint character's state of mind.

He stopped on the sixth one down, like a bird ready for flight. The scene laid out beneath him made something inside of him hum with happiness.


The bold is a bit of a mouthful to read. I think you could rephrase it in a way that's less clunky.

“Where’s Mia?” he asked. If his mother was fine, then where was his friend? He looked between Henry and Mr. Vaughn, practically daring them to say that she wasn’t okay. She had to be okay.


I'm not sure how much it adds to labour the point this much, especially given that Mia is actually fine. If you just had something like: '"Where's Mia?" he asked, his stomach tightening' then I think it would be fine. Dwelling on it made me assume you were building up to the reveal that she'd been badly injured or something, so it was a bit of an anti-climax to find out that she was completely alright.

Not that I want anything bad to happen to Mia. Well. Not really. As a reader I don't, but as a writer I do.

“Finnley’s going to need a day off after everything. We’re going to put his magical training on hold until I know the full extent of what we’re getting into. The little spells he’s been doing seem fine, but it seems that dangers come with the magic. I want no part of it until we know what connects everything going on.”


I'm glad to see that this whole business is going to have some repercussions. It's realistic that Mrs Bale would take this stance even if it isn't fully reasonable. I assume the horse would've come into being regardless of whether Finnley had studied magic or not.

Finnley ordered some Chinese takeout, then made for the shower to get the stench of smoke out of his skin. He turned his face up to the stream of warm water and scrubbed himself with soap until he felt like a new person.


The bold is kind of overkill. A shower can definitely improve your mood when you're shaken up, but it's a bit optimistic to say it could make him feel like a new person. Being clean and sad is better than being filthy and sad, but you're going to feel sad either way.

That's all for specific comments. This was another well-written chapter, for the most part, and I think it was paced fairly well. My main concern is that I think you're writing yourself into a corner. You've shut off all of the plotlines that could continue the conflict. Mia and Mrs Bale have been found, so there's no drive to search for them. Mia and Mrs Bale are also both unharmed, so there's no drive to make them better. The horse has been restored to its usual state, so that particular threat is gone. This means that your only option is to conjure up a completely new plotline, causing the whole skirmish to feel very self-contained. Harking back to what I said in the last review, self-contained conflict doesn't really move the story forward, because rather than landing the characters in a new place with a new set of problems, they pretty much move them back to the status quo.

How to solve that is no easy task, and I do know you're aware of it. It just feels like a bit of a pattern throughout the novel. Every time that the characters have clashed with a supernatural adversary - first the Allie-imitator, second the demon, now the horse - the conflict hasn't really had any influence outside of its immediate radius. Your characters feel like they need a long-term problem, one that can evolve and develop and present new challenges as the story goes on. Or, alternatively, all of these isolated incidents could be part of a larger, more constant issue - perhaps the underlying reason that the monsters are appearing so frequently.

In short, I just feel like the events of the story need unifying in some way. I hope that makes sense.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan





As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda