Hey! Lareine here to drop a cool review on this cool work of prose. I haven't read the previous chapters, so I might miss some stuff based on context alone, and I won't be reviewing overall plot or characterization. Instead, I'll focus on style and efficiency in the writing.
Overall: This would be a lot stronger, I think, if there was less focus on the style and world and more focus on the characters and their actual reactions. Finnley is relieved, his mother is relieved, they obviously just had a stressful moment, but I don't get a real sense of any of this through the text itself.
Details:
First, starting from the beginning, some of your phrases had me a little off-kilter. For example:
Because all birds ready for flight stop on the sixth step down! I mean, who doesn't know that? -- But seriously, you could probably tweak the phrasing here just by adding a word like "perched" or "posed" to describe HOW he's like a bird. Otherwise, the reader is left lacking a little.He stopped on the sixth one down, like a bird ready for flight.
Because if she had looked at him with green eyes instead -- or brown eyes that weren't relieved -- he wouldn't have hugged her. You can simplify this --[W]hen she looked at him with brown eyes that mirrored his own relief, he sprang down the rest of the stairs and wrapped her in a hug.
Or something like that, to focus more on the characters' actions than just how they look.“Mom!” he cried. He sprang down the rest of the stairs and wrapped her in a hug. She sighed her relief and hugged him back.
Mr Vaughn is standing at his mother's side, but he's also standing with Henry crossing the room? That's what your phrasing has it like. I know this is really nitpicky, but these kinds of phrases need to be killed before they reach the page in most cases, and you've had a lot just in the first few paragraphs of the chapter. It's distracting for me as a reader to have to think about what a sentence is supposed to mean, or have to parse it in my head in order to understand the story.His focus slowly expanded to include the rest of the room and see Mr. Vaughn standing at his mother’s side, with Henry crossing the room toward them.
You just said they walked out. You don't need to repeat that they exited.“Take care,” Henry called after them, and Finnley could’ve sworn he winked as they walked out.
They exited the shop, and Finnley was startled to see that night was falling.
Second, I don't know if this is explained earlier in the text, but it's killing me that everyone calls him Finnley. Is there a reason that absolutely no one calls him Finn? Wouldn't adults want to call a kid by their nickname instead of their full name when trying to reassure them? Wouldn't someone call him by a nickname in general? This might have been explained in early chapters, but jumping into a late chapter, it bugs me, because Finnley looks so awkward when there's an obvious short form available.
Finally, your style is killing the piece a little. You're kind of overbearing with your tone -- which, again, might be a stylistic choice carried from earlier chapters. But I don't get a sense for who Finnley really is, and I don't get a look inside his mind as much as I get a look at the world around him. And right now, the world around him isn't very interesting to me as a reader. I'd rather know what he's feeling, how he's feeling it, how it's affecting him emotionally and physically.
You emphasize words and ideas a lot without really showing us how they affect the characters -- sure, they're relieved, but how do they act because they're relieved? Does anyone act startlingly different from their normal self? Surely someone must have an exaggerated stress reaction that would have shocked Finnley.
I'm left kind of hanging in this abyss where I have a world to read about, but not really characters. This can work sometimes but not all the time, and right now it's not working for me.
Keep writing!
Points: 50
Reviews: 425
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