z

Young Writers Society


12+

My Weakness, My Strength [Part 1]

by Mea


A harsh jolt startled me out of my sleep. I opened my eyes to darkness and thought I was still dreaming. My body was as light as air, a prickling sensation spreading through every limb. My heart should have been pounding but I couldn’t feel it, I couldn’t feel anything —

A second shock rocked me and a blinding flash of light forced my eyes closed.

And I wasn’t in that dumpy hotel on Vetan anymore. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know Harsh fluorescent light pressed against my eyelids, and the air hummed with that unavoidable whir of a cooling system, something far too luxurious for Kryoth’s Best Bed Inn Town. I was laying on a padded surface, each beat of my heart pumping loudly again inside my chest.

When the tumult in my mind cleared, a cold thought coalesced: my blaster was missing. The empty sheath strapped to my leg made my skin crawl. How long had I been laying here? Who had taken it? I wasn’t strapped down. Why take my blaster without restraining me?

I opened my eyes and nearly bolted upright, heart racing. A sheet of semi-transparent plastic curved overhead, trapping me. I threw out a hand wildly and sagged in relief when the barrier lifted easily, hinged on the right side. I pushed it open and sat up.

“She’s awake. The transfer was a success.” A Madalurin woman with webbed fingers and mottled green skin put her hand on my shoulder with a reassuring smile. I shrugged her off and glared at her. She was the only person in the tiny, blank room.

“Where am I? And what do you want from me?” I struggled to extract myself from the… bed I had woken up in. Raised to waist height on some kind of stand, it was a small, sleek pod of metal and plastic, hooked up to a bunch of inscrutable machinery.

“We’ll explain,” the woman said, offering her hand, which I took, finally managing to slide free of the machine. “How are you feeling?”

In response, I closed my hand around hers like a vise, spun, and within seconds had her in a very painful grip. Her hairstrands writhed. I could smell the sea on her, sharp and distinct, with a particular twist I couldn’t quite place.

“Give me my blaster back and let me out of here,” I demanded. “I don’t work for people who kidnap me. I assume that’s what you want.”

A door hissed open. “Jan!” a dark man reprimanded. He was human and bald, with tattoos crossing his arms. He carried himself as if he were in charge, the other two people who entered trailing behind him. “What are you doing? Let go of Ashira.”

Fear lanced through me. My name. These people knew my real name, the one I’d run from ever since I… killed Kirn. But if they were with Kirn’s empire, why hadn’t they killed me already, or even restrained me? They wanted me dead. It was why I had stuck to the eastern part of the galaxy for the last six months.

I tightened my grip, twisting Ashira’s arm further until she whimpered. “Jan, please, you’re hurting me,” she said.

“Let me go,” I repeated.

The man’s hand darted downward. The table blocked my view, but I knew he had reached for his blaster. “I don’t want to pull a blaster on you,” he stated. “We want you to work with us of your own free will. But if you don’t let go of Ashira right now, I will force you.”

Our eyes locked. He wasn’t bluffing and really, my threat was completely without teeth. Sure, I could probably kill Ashira before he shot me, but he would shoot me, and besides, the very thought of killing so casually sickened me. As a bounty hunter, it wasn’t a side of me I usually let show. I preferred people to think I had eccentric taste in jobs.

I released Ashira. She stumbled away from me with an accusatory stare, hurrying to stand behind the dark man like the others. I drew myself up and faced him. “All right. Talk.”

The two people standing behind him were both human. One was clearly security, but the other was a young man with a mop of black hair, dressed in rugged, functional clothing. A rappeller, a spider wrap, and a small vial hung beside a blaster. So. Another bounty hunter. I looked him up and down. Amateur. He flaunted who he was too clearly. Nobody would trust him.

“I am Vorlis,” the man said, flicking through his holopad. “You’re on Ceygawa, north sector. I’m sincerely sorry — I know how this must appear to you. We aren’t trying to kidnap you; this was the only way we could talk. We would have asked you first, but we had no way of contacting you without bringing you through.”

“Bringing me through?” I managed, incredulous.

“Jan, when you went to sleep in that inn on Vitas, what was the Galactic Standard Date?” Ashira broke in.

I recited it. “16-45-11256.”

“Today’s date is 14-32-11274.” Ashira presented her holopad to me with a grin.

“Welcome to the future,” said Vorlis, with an odd smile. “Don’t worry, we can put you back when we need to.”

“Time travel doesn’t exist,” I snapped. “Nice try. A date on a holopad doesn’t mean anything.”

Vorlis and Ashira exchanged amused looks. “We thought you would say that,” Vorlis said, nodding to the man standing behind him. The man handed him a bundle of cloth and a blaster. My heart leapt — it was my blaster. I knew every dent in the thing. Even from here, I could see the scorch marks from when Kirn…

I pushed that thought away. Damn you, Kirn. In hindsight, that had been a warning sign.

Vorlis handed both the blaster and the bundle to me. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Arming me already?” With one smooth motion, I slipped the blaster back into its holster. Its reassuring weight settled into place. Then I pulled the bundle open.

Inside was… also my blaster.

It was older, more worn and scratched, a few extra scorch marks joining the ones that Kirn had made. I ran my fingers over it, disbelief turning my stomach. Every flaw was perfect. Though the metal was clean and polished, it felt its age, more fragile in my hand. Unconsciously, automatically, I keyed the code that only I knew, a long string of numbers and letters, and angled the retina reader to align with my eye.

It powered up. And I believed. There was just no way, no way these people could have made such a perfect replica in the short time they’d had my blaster. Getting my biometric data would have been nearly impossible — I would have felt them fingerprinting me, and there was no way they could have conducted a retinal scan either. And good luck finding the data otherwise. My blaster and a few other pieces of essential equipment were the only things I allowed to register my real data.

But the code sealed it. To crack the code and program it into the other blaster? Impossible, at least in the timeframe. The code was too long, my blaster too layered with security protections. I thumbed several more codes in quickly. Every layer was there and working.

“It’s my blaster,” I whispered. “But older.”

“It’s yours,” Vorlis confirmed, pleased. “From your future.”

“Where did you get this?,” I demanded. “How do you have it? Wouldn’t — wouldn’t a future me have it?”

“You gave it up oh, five years ago,” Vorlis said. “You hated admitting it, but the newer model was better. You keep that one as a memento.”

“So you know future me.”

Vorlis frowned, reluctant. “Yes,” he admitted.

I folded my arms. “You want me for a job. Apparently enough to somehow get ahold of time travel, technology less than twenty years old if you’re not lying to me about the date, and pull me out of the past. But you know future me. You know her well enough to have her old blaster. Why aren’t you asking her?”

This was a question Vorlis didn’t want to answer — I knew it by the way his spine straightened and his eyes flickered away from my face. “She is unavailable,” he said, curt.

I tapped my thigh. “You know my conditions. I only take certain kinds of jobs.”

Vorlis relaxed visibly. “We know.”

“Trust me,” Ashira broke in. “This job qualifies.”

I looked from her to him and back again, then spread my arms wide. “Guess I’m game. Convince me.”

I would go along with this, for now. In truth, despite Vorlis’ stiffness, his ragtag but commanding air carried a sense of genuine benevolence I hadn’t expected. For one thing, he was definitely worried about something, something big and out of his control. As for Ashira… I had seen the way her eyes lit up when she had handed me the data pad with the date, how she had been smiling broadly as she told Vorlis I was awake. And they had made no attempt to use the fact I was now stranded in time as a threat, not even a subtle one.

“Come with me,” Vorlis said. I followed him out of the tiny room and through a small maze of white hallways, passing scruffy people hurrying up and down doing… something. We passed several stylized rising suns emblazoned on the wall, and connected them to a similar patch Vorlis wore on his shoulder.

“So who are you?” I asked. “A gang? A company A government?”

We reached a large, heavyset metal door that Vorlis unlocked with a swipe of his card. He gave me a grin and pulled it open. He gestured for me to go through.

I stood of a balcony overlooking a vast room that seemed a bizarre mix between warehouse and command center. In one half, the room overflowed with boxes and crates, tiny figures weaving between them, loading and unloading small hovercraft. I scanned the open boxes — food and… weapons. At the other end of the room, enormous monitors flashed with detailed information: diagrams of the planet, Ceygawa, and population metrics. High-ranking officials conversed anxiously in small groups. The rising sun was emblazoned on the far wall, the largest of the symbols I had seen so far. Underneath it was written “For freedom, health, and peace.”

A whisper of fabric and a soft footstep told me Vorlis was right behind me. “We are freedom fighters,” Vorlis said, voice bursting with soft pride. He turned to walk down the staircase on the right-hand side, taking me down into the command area.

“For thirteen years, now, Ceygawa has been under the control of an organized crime ring,” he explained as he walked. I had to hurry to keep up with him. “The government was corrupt. A blind eye to the crime ring turned into favors for them, and before we knew it the government was dissolved in a coup. We’ve been fighting back ever since.”

I nodded, uneasy. I didn’t like dealing with extremists. But if my older self had worked with him, then surely they were genuine? “I’m going to need more proof if you want an assassination.”

Vorlis stiffened. “That’s not it at all.”

We were walking among the desks and screens now. The technicians and leaders fell silent, all eyes turning on me. Flickers of recognition crossed many faces that I had never seen before.

“Watch,” Vorlis said. A swift gesture and the screens around me were filled with a model of the planet crisscrossed in red lines and patches. A model of some microscopic organism revolved beside it.

“This is the Red Death,” he said quietly, looking at a young woman with her hair pulled back in a ponytail who was sitting at a terminal but watching them.

The woman took her cue. “First recorded cases were six months ago,” she said. “Long, wasting disease. It incubates for weeks and is contagious the whole time, and then the next thing anybody knows you’re on your deathbed, but it still takes weeks to die. It only took two months for it to reach epidemic status, four to reach pandemic.”

As she spoke, small gestures from Vorlis brought up more statistics on the screens. Statistics, and pictures. Thin, horribly weakened, and disfigured people, lying together in huddles as a few healthy souls bent over them, trying in vain to tend to them. Entire streets, abandoned except for the dead and dying.

“A hundred million people are sick,” Vorlis continued in an almost reverent, somber voice. “Millions have already died. In some places nearly one in every ten people are dead already and the disease is still spreading.”

“We’re nowhere near the peak,” the woman, who I guessed was a biologist, added. “For the foreseeable future, it’s only going to get worse.”

“Over there — “ Vorlis gestured to the other side of the room, “is our infirmary. Full, just from those of us who have caught the disease. Millions more suffer outside.”

I looked. A long window revealed a white, sterile hospital room, lined with beds. Every one of them was full. Five doctors and nurses paced up and down the room, monitoring, everything from their head to their feet encased in a protection suit.

A lump rose in my throat. “And the crime ring has done nothing?”

“Very little. No quarantine, no protections. All the food there? That’s us, struggling to feed the sick population because the ‘government’ doesn’t give a damn,” Vorlis said. “They have, however, been working on a cure. And last month, they found one.”

“They won’t release it,” I guessed.

“They’re going to sell it,” Vorlis spat. “Sell it for half of what most of us make in a year, and if half the people on the planet die, what do they care? Everybody important will have the cure.”

He breathed in deeply, visibly calming himself. “We knew we needed to find and distribute the cure ourselves. It took weeks of maneuvering, but our top spy in the government, Dink, escaped with the cure yesterday morning. Unfortunately, he was seen.”

“And?”

Pain tightened Vorlis’ gaze, a pain I didn’t understand, more than the frustration of a plan that didn’t work as well as hoped. “They’ve hired the best bounty hunter in the galaxy, a woman named Elana, to catch him. He’s running, but he won’t escape her. She’s too good. Our Jan is unavailable, so we stole this machine and took our next best option.”

I stared at him, incredulous. “Your next best option was to pull me out of the past? You can’t get ahold of any other bounty hunters at all?”

His jaw set. “You’re here now. Your job is to stop their bounty hunter and deliver Dink and the cure to us safely. Will you help, or won’t you? You’ll be paid handsomely and returned to your own time.”

“You think I can stop the best bounty hunter in the galaxy?” My heart raced. I was good, yes. I had dreamed of being the best one day, yes. But I was years away from anything like that.

Vorlis met my eyes. “You’re our best hope,” he repeated. “Our only hope with any chance of success.”

I took a deep breath. He could be lying. But I could easily confirm the severity of the disease independently as soon as I started tracking Elena, as well as the galactic date. How did I know he really would distribute the cure if I gave it to him? I didn’t, but if the government was already restricting it, I couldn’t make things worse.

I put my hand on my blaster, its grip warm against my sweaty palm. “I’ll do it,” I said. “I’m in.”


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235 Reviews


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Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:44 am
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inktopus wrote a review...



Hey Mea! Inky here for a (hopefully) Olympics worthy review, so let's jump right in!

I was laying on a padded surface, each beat of my heart pumping loudly again inside my chest.

I've had some issues with your description, and up until now, I've not been able to put it into words. Right here, you tell too much. I am certain that you've given and received this advice before but allow me to repeat it. Show, don't tell. Describe what the padded surface feels like against the main character's body. It is much more engaging for the audience to infer what is going on than for them to be told outright.

In the description before, it hasn't really been an issue of telling but using unique descriptions. You use several common descriptive phrases. I'll list two of them: "I opened my eyes to darkness" and "Startled me out of my sleep." It's okay to use common phrases, but using them too much gets boring. I'd much rather read an entirely new description of something familiar. I want to think about that sensation in a new way.

A sheet of semi-transparent plastic curved overhead, trapping me.

It took me a moment to realize that you meant a barrier, as in your character was trapped in a coffin-like thing. I think that you might want to consider the way you describe this so the reader can more easily understand what is going on.

I could smell the sea on her, sharp and distinct, with a particular twist I couldn’t quite place.

This is what I meant when I asked for more unique descriptions above. I like this.

These people knew my real name, the one I’d run from ever since I… killed Kirn.

I may be slightly biased because I hate ellipses mid-sentence, but they seem extremely unprofessional to me. I don't recall ever reading a published book with ellipses in the middle of a sentence.

“I am Vorlis,” the man said, flicking through his holopad.

Which man? There are at least two in the room now, so you're going to have to specify. My guess is the bald man, but I shouldn't have to guess.

We reached a large, heavyset metal door that Vorlis unlocked with a swipe of his card.

I usually associate the word "heavyset" with people, like a body type. I don't know if it's necessarily wrong to use it with inanimate objects, but it seems strange to me personally. Google defines it as having a stocky or stout build, so my instinct would be that it should describe people, not objects.

He gave me a grin and pulled it open. He gestured for me to go through.

I'd combine these two sentences. They're choppy, and they start the same way, so it'd definitely improve how the story reads.

I stood of a balcony overlooking a vast room that seemed a bizarre mix between warehouse and command center.

Typo.

High-ranking officials conversed anxiously in small groups.

This could do with a little less telling and a lot more showing. What makes Jan think that the officials are anxious? Give the audience a few visual tells and let us figure it out ourselves.

“Millions have already died. In some places nearly one in every ten people are dead already and the disease is stillspreading.”

Another typo. You want a space between still and spreading at the very end.

I liked this. I really liked it. I can't say that I have a lot to complain about, especially in the way of plot. I do have a few comments about the setting and characters in particular.

Setting: I think, for the most part, you did a wonderful job of introducing us to the setting. It's set in some universe where galactic travel is possible, and you do a good job of making that clear, but we need more. You were wonderful at not overloading the audience with information, but we need to know what makes this universe unique. What makes it different from our world? What makes it special compared to the other stories with space travel? Giving just a few more details specific to this world would help make it unique.

Characters: I'm only going to focus on Jan here because I think she's the character that needs the most work. The audience knows that Jan is a bounty hunter- a good bounty hunter either. She apparently likes to think that one day she'll be one of the best. The audience also knows that she is a killer with a conscience; she doesn't like to kill in cold blood. She's observant as seen from her observations about the people she met when she first arrived in the future, and she's very quick to react to dangerous situations. That's about all we get about her. I will concede that there's only so much characterization that one can do in a short story, but we still need more. The only true personality trait, if you can call it that, that we know about Jan is that she doesn't like to kill in cold blood. It's implied that she's guarded, but lots of characters are guarded. In the same vein as my question about the setting, what makes Jan stand out from the other sci-fi protagonists?

Your prose is good, great even. Anything to be said has already been said in my nitpicks, but the TL;DR version is this: You use some cliche descriptions, but you have the ability to be unique. Always pick unique! It's so much more interesting to read something you've not read a hundred times before. Your pacing was stellar. To be honest, I was very invested (seriously, please tag me if you post the following parts of this short story).

Overall, awesome job. I couldn't find any glaring errors, just some stuff to clean up.

If you have any questions or need clarification (or just want to talk) you can contact me through a reply to this review or a pm!

~Inky




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Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:17 am
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Carina wrote a review...



Hi Mea! Honestly, even if this wasn't for the Olympics, I'd still review this because, um, SCI-FI OMG. :P Anyways, I broke this review down into six different components: style, the good stuff, the confusing stuff, character improvements, writing improvements, and overall thoughts. But before I begin, I'd like to at least mention that were were a couple typos and grammar whoopsies, but since they happened somewhat randomly, I'm assuming that they were done on accident. I'm not even going to bother mentioning them (because let's face it, reviewing and reading about nitpicks suck), but I'm just giving you a heads up that they, ya know, exist! A simple read-over can quickly solve them. Anyways, on to the review!


STYLE

Can I just say... you have an omg-this-is-awesome-I-can-read-this-and-be-100%-absorbed-into-the-story kind of writing style. Seriously, I found myself having to re-read parts of the story because I forgot I had to take notes and review this! Your words fall very naturally, and sure, I can be done and tell you just that, but I thought you'd also like to know why. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because you have a great mix of sentence variety. You've got short sentences. Then you've got long, descriptive sentences that use one dependent clause, or maybe even use two clauses. I've seen some semi-colons here; I like it. I've also seen ellipses... they make things mysterious. And I have to wonder: how many sentences can you add that have a colon or a question mark? Oh, I know—not as many as these hyphen breaks! (I had way too much fun making examples out of that, but alas, no parentheses in this story, which is actually a good thing since they're totally random! 8) ) Here is one random snippet that demonstrates your excellent use of sentence variety:

When the tumult in my mind cleared, a cold thought coalesced: my blaster was missing. The empty sheath strapped to my leg made my skin crawl. How long had I been laying here? Who had taken it? I wasn’t strapped down. Why take my blaster without restraining me?

This was at the beginning of the story, which leads me to to the next point: your hook. And honestly, there's not much to say about it other than, "It was great!" There was a mix of sentence variety, and I loved the touch of the break of the sentence. It made me feel Jan's anxiety and racing thoughts along with her, and that's really important because a successful story must tether the reader with the character. You made me feel Jan's thoughts and made it seem like I was actually there, so you succeeded! This especially happened when you mentioned her heart racing several times. That was an excellent example of sensory detail. Speaking of which...

Some writers write enough so their readers can see and feel what happens. However, you don't do just that; nay, you write it so that the reader is inside the story, just like how their imagination is inside their head. I know this is kind of confusing, but there is a difference in saying, "The light was bright," and, "The blue fluorescent light flashed back and forth between a bright and dull setting." You can simply tell the reader that the light is bright, or you can describe how the light is bright as if it was happening right there. And how do you do that? By sensory details: details about the sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound. You did a wonderful job at incorporating many sensory details, and I believe that's another reason why I was so engulfed in the story. Here is an example that demonstrated this nicely:
Harsh fluorescent light pressed against my eyelids, and the air hummed with that unavoidable whir of a cooling system, something far too luxurious for Kryoth’s Best Bed Inn Town ... I could smell the sea on her, sharp and distinct, with a particular twist I couldn’t quite place.

BUT! I do think it can still be improved! There were a lot of sensory details at the beginning, but I didn't think there were as many towards the end. I think having these details at the end is crucial because it can give more depth into the setting. For example, does it smell like death and disease, or does it smell like sterile hospital rooms? Are there grim-looking, pale faces nearby? Is it quiet in the hallway? Are there windows? Are the lights the same ugly florescent color? And so on. These details really bring depth into the setting, and since it's in the future, these details are soooo important because the reader obviously can't relate to being in the year 11,274. :p However, I thought the setting at the beginning was nicely done, so it's just the end that I think needs slight improvement. Also, I know I'm supposed to mention pacing, but there isn't much to other than, "A+!" Didn't feel like it was too fast or too slow; it was just at the right amount.


THE GOOD STUFF

I pretty much said most of the good stuff I liked in the above section lol but I do have a couple other specifics! There weren't any info-dumps in this story (yay!) and I am really impressed that you incorporated Jan's history without doing this. I am specifically talking about this paragraph:
Fear lanced through me. My name. These people knew my real name, the one I’d run from ever since I… killed Kirn. But if they were with Kirn’s empire, why hadn’t they killed me already, or even restrained me? They wanted me dead. It was why I had stuck to the eastern part of the galaxy for the last six months.

In six sentences, we learned the following: Jan is a private person, she killed Kirn, Kirn is some dude with what I can infer to be a powerful empire, she is a wanted "criminal," and she had been hiding from him in the eastern galaxy. This is an impressive feat, especially in only six sentences!

I also adored how you described the old blaster. Honestly, that's probably my favorite part of the story lol I know it's kind of lame, but seriously, the DETAILS! I loved it. I also liked how Jan had to think about how they got the blaster. I've said it before and I'll say it again: sentence variety + sensory details = awesome story with awesome descriptions.


CONFUSING STUFF

There are two parts that kind of confused me:
In response, I closed my hand around hers like a vise, spun, and within seconds had her in a very painful grip.

This sentence isn't that confusing, but I did have to re-read it to understand it due to the structure of the sentence. Perhaps consider: "In response, I closed my hand around hers like a vise then spun around. Within seconds, I had her hand wrapped in a very painful grip."

“Jan! ... What are you doing? Let go of Ashira.”
I tightened my grip, twisting Ashira’s arm further until she whimpered. “Jan, please, you’re hurting me,” she said.
“Let me go,” I repeated.

I'm having a tough time understanding who's holding on to who here. In the first quote, I was under the impression that Jan was free and had Ashira in some crazy self-defense position. But in this quote, it sounds like Jan is also being held by someone/something? I wasn't sure, since she said, "Let me go." Did you mean, "Let me free"? Also, Vorlis doesn't sound intimidating, though from the descriptions, it sounds like he's supposed to be. I talk about this more below.


CHARACTER IMPROVEMENTS

Like, literally, below. Vorlis kinda sounded like a wimpy annoyed dude who doesn't want to deal with Jan's crap. If that's the case, then, well, you succeeded! However, there were some hints dropped that he was their fierce leader, so if you want to make him more intimidating, here are some suggestions by planting specific words in his dialogue:
The man’s hand darted downward without hesitation. The table blocked my view, but I knew he had forcefully reached for his blaster. “I don’t want to pull a blaster on you,” he said cooly, maintaining rigid eye contact with me while aiming the blaster. “We want you to work with us of your own free will. But if you don’t let go of Ashira right now..." He paused, shifting the blaster so it aimed my head, all while not breaking eye contact. "I will force you.”

The parts I added are bolded. Doesn't he seem scarier to you?! He totally scares me now. :p Now, onto Jan.

Sure, I could probably kill Ashira before he shot me, but he would shoot me, and besides, the very thought of killing so casually sickened me. As a bounty hunter, it wasn’t a side of me I usually let show.

This isn't necessarily "info-dumping" since it's two sentences of information, but I thought this description was jarring because it was so sudden. Like, in comparison to the subtlety of every other detail, it felt like this was a random bomb that dropped on me. Perhaps it's because the "thought of killing so casually sickened me" line was, ironically, a casual thought. The words "killing" and "sickened" are powerful words that it felt out-of-place to put it so casually in a sentence. I suggest to gently weave it into the story, just like you did earlier. I understand that spot isn't too random since it's about killing people, so if you like it here, then I suggest turning it down a notch with the powerful words. Or perhaps do the opposite and add more distraught emotion. Either way works.

“Time travel doesn’t exist,” I snapped. “Nice try. A date on a holopad doesn’t mean anything.”

I think the reaction could be improved. How about some sarcasm, a sneer, or a mocking laugh?

I nodded, uneasy. I didn’t like dealing with extremists. But if my older self had worked with him, then surely they were genuine? “I’m going to need more proof if you want an assassination.”

Last but not least, Jan's reaction to the future. Sure, the old blaster was enough evidence to convince her that she time traveled. But shouldn't she still be shocked by it all? She seemed to be like, "OOHHH COOL BEANZ" when Vorlis tells her about all the current events. She also doesn't seem to be that surprised, almost like she was thinking, "OMG I time traveled.... coooooool." Is she shocked? How does she feel? Some emotional detail would be awesome.


WRITING IMPROVEMENTS

This is the section where I think little parts of the story can be improved. For example:
A rappeller, a spider wrap, and a small vial hung beside a blaster. I smirked. So, I thought. Another bounty hunter. I looked him up and down. Amateur. He flaunted who he was too clearly. Nobody would trust him.

I added the smirk line then italicized what I assumed to be her thoughts. I realize that the last two sentences are also her thoughts -- heck, the whole story is basically centered around her thoughts -- but I felt like the italicized part was 100% her thoughts and not really crucial to the story. You can take them out and it wouldn't make much of a difference. But I really like them, and so I thought italicizing it and emphasizing that it's her thoughts would bring more depth. Though at the end of the day, it's your style decision. Just thought I'd bring it up!

... passing scruffy people hurrying up and down doing… something.

.... "Something"?!?!?! What is it? I MUST KNOW.


FINAL THOUGHTS

I have to admit, I got to the end and was disappointed because I was all like, "What? That's it? THAT'S THE END?" Then I realized that the title had [Part 1] attached to it, and I got happy again, hehe. I'd love to continue reading this even after the Olympics! This story was a beautiful blend of sci-fi and adventure, so you hit those two genres spot-on. The characters are believable, your style is refreshing, and I am entirely engaged. What's not to love?! I hope this (very long >_>) review helped for future chapters, and please do tag me if you end up writing more!

Cheers,
~Carina





A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden