Heyo, wendylau! I have read through the previous two chapters, so let's get started with this review.
Day breaks with the sun hung in the cloudless sky, all was baked under the relentless sun, the arena filled with enthusiastic voices.
That's a run-on sentence right there. Run-ons occur when two or more independent clauses are put together in the same sentence. I'd suggest rewording the line entire line entirely and fixing the use of passive voice in the second independent clause.
[...]on the area are her fellow Elites; The Elites, but she knows, she never did became part of the fellow.
I'm a bit confused, but I think I garner the meaning. She's a part of the Elites, but hasn't managed to get close enough to become a "fellow"? I highly suggest rewording that. It has the potential to be a witty line, but it's really clunky right now.
I feel like the Elites and the High Elites could be explained and described better, since it's hard to piece together what they do on the first read-through. They're gladiators, I assume? They're gladiators with magic who have the potential to become a part of this world's royal guard. That's pretty neat. Unfortunately, it isn't entirely clear.
However, this is a first draft! So that stuff can be rewritten and explained in future versions of this story.
Two smiles greet back to her, it was given by a pair of twins.
Here's another use of the passive voice. Active voice is when the subject performs the action; passive voice is when the action is performed upon the subject. Informal writing can sound clunkier when using the passive voice because of the disconnect between the subject (person performing the action) and the action itself; active voice generally uses fewer words to get the same point across in a clearer manner.
I would probably change it to: "A pair of twins greet her with two smiles." Feel free to change it to anything you want, though!
She did not move, not even her expression. She stares back at them, and slightly nod, not as a challenge but an acknowledgement.
Perhaps instead: "She did not move, not even to change her expression. She stares back at them and gives a slight nod. It was meant as an acknowledgement, not a challenge."
I'm noticing that a lot of problems throughout this chapter is that the word choice is a little off. A line will almost have a clear meaning, but a few words will have been omitted that would have caused it to make much more sense.
A fellow Elite stood in front of her, blocking her view to the approaching High Elites.
Maybe describe what the Elite looked like? Maybe add in some descriptive language about how imposing he looked or what he was wearing. If you use the right words, then you'll be able to evoke the suddenness of his action and how jarring it must have been. Breathing emotion into scenes Here's a good Knowledge Base article on how to accomplish that.
Panic consume her once again, Sir Clifton.
The original line makes it sound like she's speaking to Sir Clifton (given that the comma could be misread and seen as a vocative comma), so I would reword it.
Perhaps: "Panic consumes her once again. It was about Sir Clifton, wasn't it?"
"Lead me to him," Wendolyn replied and promptly follow him to the darkened exit.
The dialogue tags in this work ("Wendolyn replied", "he growled", etc) are in the past tense, while the rest of the work seems to be in the present tense. This switching between the two is difficult to follow. Stories in third person typically use the past tense, although I have read a few successful works that manage to pull of third person with present tense. Regardless, in the name of clarity, I would personally stick to one.
"Vee."
Why would Wendolyn use a nickname for Versallys if Versallys has treated her so harshly over the years? I'm not quite sure why that would be an automatic response.
I want nothing more than to trample her to bones, to rip every golden hair of her head slowly.
One: Without anything to signify that this is a thought, then it looks like the story just switched to the first person. Personally, I use italics to separate thoughts from normal narration.
Two: If Wendolyn has this attitude towards her sister, then I bring the use of the nickname in question again. Why use one if she hates her sister?
I'm not quite sure where the story will really go? I assume that it will explore the abuse of Wendolyn at the hands of her sister and father. Given that the Royal Elite are mentioned, then I assume that Wendolyn will become one and will have to protect her sister and the prince. Percival seems to like the main character, while her sister hates her, so I'm wondering if that will have any impact on the marriage (finding out that your wife is abusive can cause things to go south).
Alright, that's all I have to say for today! I hope that you'll keep on writing!
-E
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