z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Marcia and Me: Prologue

by Danni88


"You alright, darling?" This question was directed at Danni, who was creeping upstairs with her arms full of various bits and bobs and a guilty expression on her face. 

"Fine, Mum," Danni nodded and forced a fake smile. "I'm just going to my room for a bit. Er - homework." 

Katie nodded and returned to peeling potatoes. Sometimes she wondered what her daughter was really doing.

Danni charged up the stairs as if somebody was after her and dashed into her bedroom, locking the door behind her. OK. Now for the hard part. 

She slipped the spell book out from her secret box of treasures and opened it to the right page: SUMMON A COMPANION FROM THE ETHER. 

She took a deep breath. This was it. The true test of her witchcraft. She'd done small things before, like creating tuna sandwiches and turning Isaac's teddy bear invisible, but this would be on a phenomenal scale. 

She pulled out the jar of powdered unicorn horn and added it to the mixture she had prepared the night before. A swirling gold sea, it resembled more a living creature than a liquid. As she tipped in the unicorn horn, it turned a deep black. Danni squinted at the page. The writing was smudged, but she was sure it read 'pondweed gathered at midnight.' She scrabbled in her box for some and found a small jar containing the desired object, which she poured in. Time for the last ingredient: a crow's feather. 

Danni's hands were shaking as she lifted the crow's feather from its case. She hoped the companion she summoned would be nice. Share the same interests as her. Like Marvel films. Get on with Caroline and Alex. 

Alex...

What if Alex decided he preferred the companion to Danni? What if he dumped her for her creation? 

It was too late now to have second thoughts. She couldn't turn back now. She'd just have to face the consequences of her actions. With a thumping heart, she dropped in the feather. 

The mixture reacted instantly. Danni sprang backwards as it began to glow brighter and brighter, until she had to look away for the glare. 

When she opened her eyes, a girl was standing in the bowl. She was about Danni's age, with long red curls, cold green eyes and a chiselled face wearing a shocked expression. She wore a red-and-white checked dress, black tights and boots. 

"Who are you?" she snarled, stepping out of the bowl and advancing towards Danni. "Where am I?" She didn't seem afraid, as many people would have been in her situation.

Danni held up her hands. "Whoa, calm down! My name's Daniella. Call me Danni. I kinda summoned you from the ether." 

The girl stared at her. "You must be a very powerful witch if you can pull off one of those spells without dying painfully. I suppose this isn't Iranika?" 

"No. London."

"London?" The girl turned away from Danni and began to pace up and down the room. "Mother of the gods, why me? This could not get any worse!"

"Listen, you're here now." Danni grabbed her arm. "I'll think of a story to tell my parents. But there's no going back now. I'm sorry. But you must have not been very happy in Eronia if you were chosen for the summoning. "

"Eralia."

"Sorry, Eralia. Come on, let's go. There's some people I want you to meet. What's your name." 

The girl was silent for a second. When she spoke, her eyes gleamed evilly. "My name is Marcia Nightvale," she said simply. "And I think I shall enjoy myself here." 

-You will discover how I became a witch as the story progresses. BTW all of this actually happened to me. Honest. Nah it didn't really :p.  I wrote this very quickly, so please feel free to be as harsh as you like! 


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33 Reviews


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Tue May 22, 2018 1:06 am
AnimalQueen wrote a review...



AnimalQueen here!

This is the kind of story you don't see often, and I love it! I really couldn't find anything wrong with the story. I think it's really cool how you actually summoned a person.

Not sure what the Eralia is, but it sounds neat. I don't know what crazy story you'll tell your parents, but I'm sure I won't be disappointed.

I love your writing technique, and I think I may want to try it one-day. Keep on writing so I can keep on reading!

AnimalQueen out!




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Thu Feb 08, 2018 11:56 am
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CarolineGlitterGirl wrote a review...



Hey Dan! I thought my first review should be one of the works of the awesome girl who introduced me to this site.
This is really well written! <3 the dramatic ending. Can't wait for the next chapter I will be in it so it will be waaaaaay better lol
Can't see any grammar mistakes, but you've always been good at double checking that. Love the appearance of Mrs C!! Tag me for the next one!!!
Hugs,

Caz xxx




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 10:27 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi Danni! I have a few hours free today so I'm ready to review this :)

Specifics

1.

Katie nodded and returned to peeling potatoes. Sometimes she wondered what went on in her daughter's head.
The second part here seems out of place because while we know Danni is probably lying, this feels a bit of an odd reaction. It might be more smooth to say 'Sometimes she wondered what her daughter was really doing' as that directly links to the line of dialogue. Nothing in the line of dialogue suggests anything odd is going on in Danni's head, just that she's perhaps deceiving her mother.

2.
Danni charged up the stairs as if somebody was after her and dashed into her bedroom, locking the door behind her. OK. Now for the hard part.
This is becoming more acceptable but 'OK' should either be written out in full of okay or it should have the full stops to show it's abbreviated - O.K. - but as I said it's becoming more acceptable to just use OK so you might get away with it.

3.
Danni's hands were shaking as she lifted the crow's feather from its case. She hoped the companion she summoned would be nice. Share the same interests as her. Like Marvel films. Get on with Caroline and Alex.
I love these lines - they give us a reall strong insight into who Danni is as a person and some really nice little details. Good work!

Overall

This is an interesting start! I think it's a little light on description of the setting but the description of the potion is beautiful and I love all the little pieces of character information you managed to weave in. I think there could be more dialogue between Danni and Marcia before the end of the scene as we haven't really got a feel for the start of their relationship yet and that would be good to explore before introducing new characters. Does Marcia's beauty make Danni increasingly concerned she might steal Alex? Does Marcia look suspicious or mocking when she says Danni must be a great witch or is there respect and maybe some fear in her voice? I'd love to see more of their emotions!

That's all I have for now but ping me when you have the next part up :)

~Heather




Danni88 says...


Thanks! Glad you liked it!



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Tue Jan 23, 2018 1:02 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this story and providing the opportunity to review it. Of course as you must beware every reader brings a different background to the read and perceives the story in slightly and sometimes drastically different ways because of it. So keeping that in mind here is m take on it. The story describes either a teenager or a child who is delving into the occult without her parent's permission.

She casually conjures up a female entity who seems initially disoriented or at least gives that impression, and who eventually expresses gratitude for having been evoked. The child or teen then glibly says that she will introduce this entity to others. That seems a bit strange since she has been keeping the occult practices secret from her mother and that indicates that she feels that her mom would disprove perhaps for religious reasons or perhaps because her mom simply doesn't feel that delving into the occult is safe for her daughter's spiritual or physical well-being. So the statement comes across as very unlikely or far-fetched.

Addendum:

Please also note that there are many people who have delved into the occult and the effects have been devastating.

Consequences of Delving into the occult
http://orderofsaintpatrick.org/warfare/ ... ffects.htm

Also to be considered is that it is biblically condemned.


Leviticus 19:31
'Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the LORD your God.

Leviticus 20:6
'As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.

Leviticus 20:27
'Now a man or a woman who is a medium or a spiritist shall surely be put to death. They shall be stoned with stones, their bloodguiltiness is upon them.'"


The reason is because it puts the person in contact with rebel angels.




Danni88 says...


I wouldn't call Marcia an angel ;)
Thanks for the review! She is going to show Marcia to some other magical people she knows, so she's not worried.



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Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:27 pm
Danni88 says...



@Rydia @Lake @Flumadiddle @whatchamacallit @KatieC and @LittleLee when he gets back




zaminami says...


Child what about me



Danni88 says...


*facepalms* I AM SO SORRY!!! I CAN%u2019T BELIEVE I FORGOT!!



LakeOfCancer says...


I never knew I had been summoned friend, what was the problem? btw, imma keep reading this. see where marcia gets her snotty tude.




“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables