Young Writers Society

     Captain Nicanor Rubinski, of the mining freighter ship Paragon which transported raw material from asteroid mining activities back to Earth, had been again informed that they were a man short on the loading-team. Once more the name of Yakov Smirnoff appeared prominently displayed on the computer screen.

     “What the hell is wrong with him now?” the captain bellowed sending tobacco tainted spittle flying in all directions and then wiping his stained lips with the sleeve of this gray uniform.

     “I don’t know sir!” the loading-crew foreman said through soot-encrusted teeth, “He claimed to be indisposed and locked himself in his cubicle again. Refuses to talk about it and just sits there with this sad expression on his face!”

     “Damned lazy bum! Let’s see what his excuse is this time!” The captain found Smirnoff’s door locked shut and slammed his hairy fist on it several times!”

     “It's captain Rubinski! Open the damn door!” he bellowed several times before the door swiveled open revealing a room strewn with magazines and with female nude pin-ups of diverse humanoid species on the green walls. Sitting on the narrow couch was Smirnov in his blue, boxer underwear, freckled-faced with unkempt, wavy, red hair and downcast look on his ruddy face. He was sitting hunched over with elbows on knees and with fingers tightly interlaced. The impression was one of such misery that the captain’s anger was replaced by compassion.

     “Son, you're needed at the loading-docks. You know that we have a schedule to keep and that your absence is causing us delay and the delay means less money! Right?”

     “I know sir! Sorry sir!”

     "Sorry isn’t good enough son. What seems to be the problem? It says here on Dr Frankenhausen's psychological-evaluation-report, that you are having trouble finding female companionship. Is that true?"

    “Well sir, it hasn’t been going too well.”

     "Exactly how not? No one else on the ship seems to have trouble, dammit!. Not even our older members who aren’t what you might call Adonises. So what exactly is the issue?”

     “Well sir, it seems that as soon as I try to get acquainted with a female, something goes seriously wrong!” Smirnoff momentarily gazed up forlornly at one of the naked female pinups on the polished green wall opposite his couch.

     “Áre these human females?” the captain asked.

     “Is that the reason why you no longer go out for some R and R?”

     “Yes sir, I don’t feel like going through that shit again.”

     “Going through what exactly? Be specific! We can’t help you if you aren’t, and if we can’t help you, then we'll have to fire you. Leave you back at the Earth space station. Do you understand?”

     “Yes sir, I understand.”

     “Then tell me what the hell is going on.”

     “Well, it’s like this sir. I recently met this nice-looking, triple breasted, humanoid babe from our Alpha Centauri colony on one of our R and Rs. She looked fine. Nice triple boobs, shapely legs, the most beautiful, large, blue eyes I had ever seen.

     “Get to the point! I don’t have all day!” captain Rubinski heard himself say without much conviction. He had a son Smirnoff's age back on Earth and Smirnoff reminded him of him, shy, and not too popular with the girls..

     Smirnov looked at him with profound sadness in his bulging green eyes before responding.

     “To make a long story short sir, she was unkissable.”

     "Unkissable? An Alpha Centurian colonial female? Are you making a joke?"

    “No sir, I am not!”

     The captain paced back and forth for a moment while scratching his pale, bald head.

     “So how exactly was she unkissable?”

     ”Well sir, she was bucked-toothed to such a degree that all I got when I tried was teef. In fact, my upper lip was lacerated from the impact when I stopped pecking and I decided to lunge.”

     “Well, they are a bit toothy sometimes, that’s for sure. But we don’t care that much, so why should you?”

     “You don’t understand sir. She wasn't just a little bit toothy, she was as toothy as a Guangala Candubula Beast.”

     "Damn! That is a bit too much! What was she-some kind of mutation?”

     “I don’t really know and didn’t stay around to ask. Excused myself as if going to the John and bolted for the exit sir.”

    “OK, so that's just one encounter!"

     "All the others were similar sir. I met another female during my leave just recently. This one was an Earthian. Very delicate-looking. Had this girly-girly personality. Took me to meet her folks."

    “There we go! So it wasn’t all bad, now was it?" The captain patted Smirnov on one of his massive hunched shoulders hoping he’d snap out of it and get to the loading docks.

     “That was until I kissed her sir. Then I almost hurled my recent breakfast due to her fetid halitosis."

     “Halitosis?”

     “Bad breath sir. As if some animal had died in her mouth and been there for a week!”

     “Well, can’t blame you there. I certainly wouldn't--''

     “Then I tried to use the android dating service sir. You know, these services that provide female-looking androids at a substantial fee for a few hours? The sign in from of the place said “Engage in your most Exotic Fantasies with our sexy androids. Total Satisfaction Guaranteed.” sir. So I paid, took the android, this red-headed, big-breasted one I had picked out cause she was the cheapest, to my hotel room and as soon as I undressed it, it immediately broke down. I was accused of taking a sledgehammer to it sir. But that was only after it broke down filling the room with acrid smoke from her short circuited insides and had managed to scorch my crotch!”

     At this point Smirnov broke down and began to weep! His heaving sobs shook the small cot and it threatened to come apart on its hinges.

     “But there is more,” he said between sobs.

     “Not necessary son. I have heard enough." Captain Rubinski said nervously. "Let me go and speak to the ship psychologist and see what he recommends."

     “Yes sir. Thank you sir. But I consider him a bit flaky sir.”

     “Well, I ‘d like to get his opinion anyway!”

     The ship psychologist, Frederick Frankenhausen, a dark, wiry high strung, bushy-browed Earthian who had just taken over the slack for Smirnoff at the loading bay, was in no mood for idle chatter. The captain found him grumbling while taking off his spacesuit at the bulkhead exit portal. He was also mumbling obscenities interspersed with the word “Smirnoff”.

     “I want to talk to you about one of our crew-members.” the captain uttered gravely.

     “Put him in an airlock and cast him into the void!” the doc shouted. “The man is jinxed and there’s nothing that you, nor I, nor anyone else in this universe can do to change that.”

     “I can understand your frustration doc, after all, having to substitute--"

     "It isn’t just that captain! It isn’t just that! Do you know that he has had the same experience two-hundred times in a row? With different species of females? Do you realize how statistically improbable that is? That’s like getting hit with a bolt of lighting over and over at the same location at the same time of year while you are smoking the same brand of cigar. Do you realize that since he was hired accidents at the loading docks have increased three-hundred percent?"

     “So what do you recommend doc?”

     “Recommend? Are you crazy? I am getting off this ship before his bad luck rubs off on me and on the ship itself. Just signed up for a job as custodian for the top three levels of that mining administrative building down there. He’s your problem now, not mine!”

     Just then an explosion that shook the ship threw them both off their feet.

     “Not a bad idea count me!” the captain said hurriedly donning a space suit.

     “Mind if I help you with those custodial duties?”

     “No problem let’s go!”