Young Writers Society

Hello, E.E for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, I noticed no grammar or spelling mistakes so great job but hot damn, the imagery! That was excellent! I think . my favorite line would just HAVE to be "The white feathers of the gracious little tern strode valiantly in the fog, kissing the edge of a cloud with his long banana-colored beak." No question there. I also loved the line " Soft winds caressed the fiery wrath of the summer's sun, tempering it down to a gentle warmth that spread over the entirety of the forest-shrouded suburb." Otherwise I have really more to say on the grammar and spelling part of the story but nothing else might!

I like how you ended this story. The fact that the man did not even move a muscle, a ligament to help the woman who is now dead. The cold river caressing her hair and rushing over her once colorful cheeks. It really adds a sense of...horror to the whole short story! You really captivated me and if there will be a second part please tag me!

Otherwise, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I need to go now, Grim has some more dead to reap and I ran out of cocoa for him. Cheerios and fruit loops to you!

I find the imagery striking a well as the idea. Thanks for sharing. Please note that to me it’s not clear at the end whether she jumps into a creek or an ocean. Was she taken there by the swift flow of the creek? Also, if she had been portrayed as jumping off cliff overlooking the surging tide of an ocean with rocks below would it would have have engaged my emotions more strongly.
An overall very interesting story. Keep up the good work!

First thoughts:
Wow. That was not what I was expecting at all.
Second, more logical thoughts:
The imagery was so beautiful and striking, especially "kissing the edge of a cloud". I honestly don't know how you managed to pack that much impact into a story as short as this, but I loved it.
One thing I would say though is that the tern's attitude towards the woman's death is a bit unclear. He seems concerned yet indifferent at the same time, as if he would liked to have saved her but her death didn't matter much to him. Is that what you were going for or have I misinterpreted it?
Also, it took me a little while to get my head round
"It swerved a truck blaring his horns" Personally I would have one with something like: It severed around a truck as the driver blared his horn. There's nothing wrong with it, I just found a bit unusual to read.

Overall, this was an incredibly deep and moving pieces which I really enjoyed reading. Thanks for posting this, and make sure to keep writing.
Ebony

Wow, what an impact there at the end. It's interesting that you chose a nonhuman viewpoint for this flash fiction, and I like seeing the tern's thoughts: how he would like to save the woman, but he's too small. Although on that note, it would be good to portray his thoughts a little more throughout - right now you simply describe the car racing down the road, but what does the tern think of this? Is he concerned? Or merely curious? What about it catches his attention in the first place?

I'm also a little uncertain of the setting. You keep referring to a "creek," which is sort of an odd body of water to choose for suicide, but at the end you say "ocean," which makes more sense for both suicide and the presence of a tern.

Some of the descriptions in the first paragraph read oddly. For one thing, what makes the tern "gracious?" It's a weird word and also is telling instead of showing. (I know it's flash fiction, but you show us the tern's character when he pouts because he can't save the woman.) "Strode valiantly" also felt odd, especially since a) the tern is flying and b) what's so "valiant" about it? He's a tern. Flying is what he does. "Banana-colored" felt too lighthearted for the content of the story.

Finally, I'd like to see the moment of the woman's suicide attempt to linger a little more: with description, with the tern's thoughts. Right now it's incredibly rushed and makes less of an impact than it might. The woman jumps from her car, rushes toward the water, mouths a prayer, jumps, all in the space of three sentences. I know it's flash fiction, and that's fine - you don't need to add paragraphs upon paragraphs. But this is the most important moment in the story, and I think you need to slow down just a little to give it the attention it deserves. The sun flashes on the water. The wind ruffles the woman's hair or coat. What about after she jumps? Does she bob back to the surface? Does it seem like she's changed her mind? Or does she disappear in the crashing waves and faint bubbles?

I really liked this. I've always thought short stories were pretty cool, and I've written some that are even shorter than this before, too, so I definitely don't think it's too short or anything. I do think the end could be a little more clear, because it took me a few reads to tell that the old woman was committing suicide(at least that's what I think is happening). Maybe I'm just being stupid though. You had really great descriptions, especially in the first paragraph, so nothing really to comment on there. And the only grammar mistake I saw was this sentence in the second paragraph, which doesn't make any sense to me:

It swerved a truck blaring his horns.

Other than that, I don't really have any suggestions or anything to comment on. I really liked it and this was really well written. Keep it up!