Hi, Dragon!
Nitpicks
“You want us to destroy a lab. Why use ten words where one will do?” Fox said, almost with annoyance.
“Moving on, will you be able to do that?” Ryan seemed to not even acknowledge Fox’s comment, which caused her some suspicion.
1) It doesn't feel natural for him to say 'moving on'. People normally say that when someone's gone extensively off topic, but Fox hasn't. Nor was she talking at length, so it just comes across as a hamfisted way to show his reluctance to dwell on the topic.
2) Don't tell us he doesn't acknowledge her. We should be able to see that from the dialogue alone.
“It’s necessary for me to get an insight on human activity in regards to the Enhanced.”
What does this even mean? It could mean anything.
"Then get going you two.”
You need a comma after 'going'.
“I said no,” Ryan was extremely harsh towards Jane, which was enough to get Fox to have her input in this argument.
You keep slipping into writing that's too blatantly telling. Show the harshness in the dialogue, don't just inform us of it. Say he raises his voice, hits the desk, whatever. When your characters are in high emotion, you should show rather than tell.
“Give her a break,” she said, sass beaming from her like light from the sun.
Rule of thumb: if you have to tell us a character is being sassy, they're probably not being that sassy. We should be able to see it without being told. Personally, I don't think 'Give her a break' is that much of a zinger. It doesn't suggest sass to me - she just seems like she's being a decent human being.
Write the dialogue and trust the reader to see the sass in it. If you have to tell us it's there, the dialogue isn't strong enough.
“Fox, I hope you know how to survive in the wilderness if this is how you’re going to carry on,” Ryan seemed to be getting quite angry.
1) Remember that you don't close dialogue with a comma if there's no dialogue tag. That's the one circumstance where you close it with a full stop. So this would be acceptable:
“Fox, I hope you know how to survive in the wilderness if this is how you’re going to carry on,” Ryan said, seeming quite angry.
However, because you don't have 'Ryan said' or 'he said' or anything, it should just be:
“Fox, I hope you know how to survive in the wilderness if this is how you’re going to carry on.” Ryan seemed to be getting quite angry.
2) You're telling again with the bold. You tend to fall prey to it most when you write dialogue. You'll write a line that suggests a certain emotion very clearly, but then you feel the need to clarify what that emotion is immediately after the dialogue. Resist the urge to do that. The reader is better than you think at reading the situation and working out what a character is feeling. You can also show the emotions of your characters in slightly more indirect ways, as well, by describing body language or tone of voice.
“If he is, he’s probably unable to breath and talk at the same time.”
Remember that 'breath' is the noun form. You need 'breathe' here, as that is the verb.
“I’d say she’s quite caring yet sassy. Why do you ask?”
Be careful that Fox's sassiness doesn't become an informed trait. You're really pushing it on the reader, but we should be able to decide if it's there for ourselves. I don't think there's a single instance in the Harry Potter books where Harry is described as sassy, but with lines like 'There's no need to call me sir, professor' we know that he's got sarky wit by the bucketful. Relinquish control of how your readers perceive your characters, because if you try to make them see them a certain way they'll just react against it.
In the threshold, stood Fox.
You don't need that comma.
“I understand you’ve probably been through a lot but spit it out already! Were you abused and I just look like your abuser?”
This seems like a bizarre conclusion to instantly jump to. It's so specific. If she just said something like: "Do I remind you of someone or something?" then it would be a bit more natural. It's weird for her to be so precise.
“No,” Vixen said shortly. “I appreciate the help, but no. I’m the one who is hiding this from her, so I’ll be the one to tell her.”
“You know what? Why wait! Let’s tell her now!”
“Erm… How about maybe no?”
“C’mon! The longer you’ll wait with it, the worse the situation will become. Besides, I’m sure Fox will be overjoyed to know it!” Jack nudged him with a wide smile. A small grin played on Vixen’s lips.
This whole section was weirdly fast. Why did Vixen switch so quickly from being physically unable to get the words out to suddenly agreeing to tell her? People's emotions don't work like that. It's also weird that Jack would be so emotionally insensitive as to just immediately push him into telling her. It isn't really Jack's business at all. Even if he thinks Fox deserves to know as soon as possible, you'd think he'd talk Vixen through it a bit more and try to be more supportive. You'd also think Jack would want to ask what Vixen remembers of Fox, given that he's the only Enhanced they've met that has any memory of his past life.
“Did you really fall for that bluff? It’s clear he hasn’t because he didn’t even offer to show us any footage.”
This seems like a massive gamble. Surely the more logical reason for him not showing them the footage was that they weren't in the room with the CCTV feed? Yes, she might suspect that he's lying, but it's beyond reckless to go into it assuming that he's not watching.
“Well,” Jack said. “I guess it’s mainly to do with what abilities you have.”
“Are you essentially trying to ask whether being Enhanced is worth it?”
Who is saying that second line? Is it Vixen? You need a dialogue tag.
“No!” Jack spoke loudly, but wasn’t necessarily shouting. “It’s dangerous. Plus, what are you going to get out of it? Other than a guaranteed argument with Ryan when you return. He clearly sent them because he trusted them to get the job done and that it's their job.”
Jane raised her eyebrow.
“Then why are you going?”
Jack smiled and sighed.
“I’ll say it as simply as I can: I need to. Vixen, do it.”
I didn't really understand what was going on in this last bit. You need to establish who is saying which bit of dialogue. Is Jane the one who says 'Then why are you going?' If so, what does she mean? When did Jack even hint that he was planning to go to Cold Fell? I thought Jane was the one who wanted to go?
Overall Thoughts
1) I like that you're breaking the chapters up into more scenes and following more characters, but I agree with Biscuits that your pacing is too fast. You could spend far, far more time dwelling on the conversation between Vixen and Jack, because that section passes in the blink of an eye, and you don't delve into a lot of questions that I'm sure Jack would want to ask. You could also devote a lot more time to Dragon and Fox's journey out to Cold Fell. How far have they travelled? What do the surroundings look like, smell like, feel like?
2) I think you need more time spent on the conversation with Ryan at the beginning, as well. It's way too sudden. Dragon and Fox have essentially been asked to go and murder a bunch of people, yet they haven't got questions about who these people are and why it's necessary to slaughter them all? It just makes them come across like careless sociopaths - Dragon especially, seeing as he can't wait to get killing. I thought Fox said in the last chapter that she wanted to do good. Even if they're 'evil' scientists and they have no sympathy for them, indiscriminately murdering every human in the facility is monstrous - they can't know that everyone working there is doing it willingly, especially given what they've learnt about Jane being pressured into assassinating them. It's also open to manipulation - for all they know, Ryan might have an ulterior motive that they're playing right into. There's no way they wouldn't demand to know more before they agreed to the mission. It's not like Ryan can control them, seeing as they outnumber him and Dragon seems to be the most powerful Enhanced there is.
3) Even though I'm glad you're addressing some of the things I mentioned in the last review, be careful not to force it in. When Jane asks about what it's like to be Enhanced, it still needs to feel natural and like there's a reason for it to come up in conversation. At the moment, it's very out-of-the-blue, and you deal with it hurriedly as if you want to get it out of the way. It's also not always best to solve the problem of missing elements by adding them in later in the story. It's better just to incorporate them into the second draft when you get to it. Think of it like a cake. If you make a cake the first time and forget to put sugar in, you don't pour the sugar onto the cake after it's come out of the oven. You just remember to put sugar in the next time you bake it.
In short, I'm glad to see Jane inquiring about what it's like to be Enhanced, but it's a conversation that would be better placed earlier in the story. It feels a bit tacked on at the moment, like an afterthought.
I'll call the review there. It was still an exciting chapter to read, but this one felt a bit more hurried than the other ones you've done recently - you need to breathe out and slow down sometimes. Nevertheless I'm looking forwards to seeing what happens next, and to reading more of Ice Queen.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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Reviews: 641
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