Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Fantasy

E - Everyone

The Wonders of My Garden

by TheBlueCat


Like little stars and butterflies,

they flit around my hair.

Dancing, dancing freely,

all without a care.

~

They are the wonders of my garden,

the tiny people with wings,

and the fresh breeze that blows across,

always carries the sweet scent of spring.

~

As one of them alights,

upon my outstretched hand,

I watch in awe and wonder,

as the world around me expands.

~

Then suddenly I am one of them,

my own wings upon my back,

I join in with their carefree dance,

and flit between the lilacs.

~

As the night fades away,

and the sun starts to rise;

They settle down upon some buds,

and watch the brightening skies.

~

I close my eyes just for a second,

to savor this wonderful moment;

but open my eyes to find my room,

my heart just slightly broken.

~

Thought it was only just a dream,

I will savor it forever,

I may always wish that it was true,

but it will stay with me whenever.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 255
Reviews: 30

Donate
Thu Sep 21, 2017 2:59 am
Nymeria wrote a review...



Hey Cat, I'ma give you a short review!

Gardens. I love gardens. Plants and life in general, really. I have potted plants all over my room, and overrunning my aquarium. There's even fake ivy hanging from my windows instead of curtains because I'm so extra. But that's all pretty irrelevant, basically I am just trying to say that if something is about plants/gardens I will like it.

Okay, REVIEW!

I'm no poetry expert. I am only reviewing as a reader and talking about what looks and sounds good to me.

Flow and punctuation was awkward, which was already mentioned in other reviews so I won't point everything out. The squiggles (what are they called??) between each stanza were kinda weird, but also I liked it because it gave off a bit of a magic-y feel.

Second thing is the rhyming. My advice would be to either make everything rhyme nicely, or don't rhyme. This in between stuff isn't doing it for me. It makes it kind of seem like you don't know how to rhyme and these are just bad attempts.

The last part about opening your eyes to your room is a little weird. Too specific I think. My suggestion would be make it overall reality or something.

One more thing: add more plants/garden stuff. No don't listen to me I have a weird thing about plants. Anyways, love the magical feel of this poem! Keep it up!




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks! I'm glad you like it! :) Rhyming isn't my strong suit, but I tried! xD
Also, the squiggles(I don't know what they are called either xD) are my best attempt at separating the stanzas. Thanks again for the review! :)



User avatar
299 Reviews


Points: 24185
Reviews: 299

Donate
Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:55 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Odds are this review isn't going to be all that helpful, and maybe I'll just say what everyone else already has, but I may as well get into it anyway.

I dunno why, but I'm usually a stickler for a consistent rhyme scheme. I could actually get the past the near rhymes most of the time, because they were placed neatly in graceful lines, and I didn't even really notice that there was a rhyme scheme until I saw alliyah point it out. Rhyme schemes can be too powerful if they're noticed, so I always love the subtle ones. My major problem is when you deviate from the pattern of rhyming the second and fourth lines in the second-to-last stanza, as moment and broken really don't rhyme with each other (on an unrelated note, I would think that, after such a wonderful dream, the narrator's heart would be more than a little broken). The last stanza corrects that pattern, but provides an extremely awkward ending. "Whatever" doesn't fit, and I have to agree with alliyah that it seems to denigrate the rest of the poem. "Whenever" is less awkward, though it doesn't confirm to a strict rhyme scheme as well (then again, this poem's rhyme scheme is built on near rhymes) - I still recommend it, though.

Beyond that, this poem is fantastic. The fairies are sweet and adorable, and the narrator's dream is vividly described. The winds of spring, flitting (one of my favorite words, and I like how you tie two stanzas together with it and "dance"), the transformation of the narrator, and the dawn all sound beautiful; imagery is certainly this poem's strong suit. I was swept by the images of flowers and buds, and was as disappointed as the narrator when it all turned out to be a dream, as it was a charming situation that would be wonderful if real. Yeah, you do a good job of catching your audience's attention and getting them to relate to the narrator's emotions. Otherwise, everything else is just issues involving punctuation, and that can be resolved by thinking of your trains of thought and ending them like you might end sentences. "The tiny people with wings," for instance, could be better ended with a semicolon, as could "I will savor it forever,". However, this was a wonderful poem to read from start to finish, so great job!




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks! :) I always appreciate long, specific views!



User avatar
1026 Reviews


Points: 119757
Reviews: 1026

Donate
Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:25 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Blue! Congrats on posting your first piece on YWS! I'm excited to be reading your work! :)

So I'm going to format my review around a few key questions (from a Knights of the Green Room Poetry Challenge)

1. What are your first thoughts after reading this poem?
So, I'll fully admit I wasn't expecting a lot from a poem about faeries. But you made this piece really sophisticated and enjoyable to read. The rhyme scheme as well as the consistency in the formatting made this poem seem polished and well-crafted.

2. What did you like and dislike? Why?
Likes
I like the rhyming terms you used, most of them seemed natural. It didn't bother me that a few were near rhymes, because this wasn't super formal. I also like the questions that you leave at the end, on whether it really happened or not.

Another aspect I enjoyed was the imagery you used! For instance this,
"I join in with their carefree dance,
and flit between the lilacs."
these lines are not only a beautiful image but they work to incorporate action into the piece as well, so that the poem is always moving and engaging the reader. Very well done.

Dislike
I think there are a few aspects that could be improved upon. Honestly I think you got a lot of the big picture stuff down really well. One sort of picky issue is ending on the word "whatever" -- it doesn't have as much finality as I wanted for a reader, it sounds dismissive of the elegant story you had crafted above. The ending, just felt a little bit hollow and I think that last word really hurt some of the lofty elegant tone that had been built up before.

3. What did you think the meaning of the poem was?
On the surface level this poem is about a person, maybe a child, that goes around and adores the garden beings or garden people with all of their elegant beauty. When it's time for them to leave, the speaker is sad, but knows they'll carry this memory with them forever and that maybe it was all a dream.

Going one step further this poem, could be interpreted to be a metaphor for how we process our dreams and goals, they're beautiful starting out and are almost transcendent, but sometimes it's necessary to wake up and just move forward with the sweet memory of what those dreams once were.

4. Was there anything that seemed "off" to you? Why did it seem "off"?
Flow is something that could be worked on a bit. You're rhyming and word choice are fairly strong throughout, which definitely helps flow, but there were a couple moments where the wording got awkward or a bit lengthy. I am a big proponent of reading poetry aloud to see if it flows well -- and checking syllables if lines seem super long/short, just to keep stuff around the same ballpark.

For me, this line: "as the world around me expands." seemed to have too many beats. (In a few of your stanzas the 3rd and 4th lines have matching syllable lengths and I think that helps round out the flow and keep it consistent.

One last thing I'll mention, is I think you could do a better job with word choice in two places. 1) "to savor this wonderful moment;" ---> in this context "wonderful" is acting as a filler adjective it's not saying much. And then here: 2) "I will savor it forever" --> you just used the word savor in the last stanza so it feels awkwardly repetitive.

Overall, this was a lovely poem that I enjoyed reading. Please let me know if you have any questions about my review!

Best,
~alliyah

This review courtesy of
Image




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks for the review! :) It helps a lot and helps with possible future works!



alliyah says...


You're very welcome! :)



User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Donate
Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:09 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hey TheBlueCat! Welcome to YWS! My name is Kara and i'm here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry, so just bear with me.

Bold: Grammatical or flow errors.
Italics: My suggestions. Overall suggestions will be in the end.
Strikethrough: Remove this.
Underline: Other, random comments.

Spoiler! :
The Wonders of My Garden

By TheBlueCat


They flit around my hair.

Dancing, dancing freely,

All without a care. This flows differently then the rest of the poem. This stanza has three lines and the rest have four. Fix this.

They are the wonders of my garden,

The tiny people with wings., To keep the flow, replace the period with a comma or a semicolon. I replaced it with a comma because personal preference, but you can do what you want to do.

And the fresh breeze that blows across,

Always carries the sweet scent of spring. Wings and spring don't rhyme very well. I would replace "with wings" to "taking wing." This will show they are flying and will rhyme better as well.

As one of them alights,

Upon my outstretched hand,

I watch in awe and wonder,

As the world around me expands. Expands and hand don't rhyme either, but in this case I say keep it because I can't come up with something better XD

Then suddenly I am one of them,

My own wings upon my back., Again, to keep the flow, change this period to a comma or a semicolon.

I join in with their carefree dance,

And flit between the lilacs. Back and lilacs don't rhyme. Maybe replace "flit between the lilacs" with "flit above the lilac"?

As the night fades away,

And the sun starts to rise;

They settle down upon some buds,

And watch the brightening skies.

I close my eyes just for a second,

To savor this wonderful moment;

But open my eyes to find my room,

My heart just slightly broken. Broken and moment doesn't rhyme either.

Thought it was only just a dream,

I will savor it forever., For the last time, replace the period with a comma or a semicolon.

I may always wish that it was true,

But it will stay with me whatever. I'm sure you mean "whenever." "Whatever" doesn't make sense.

I get the point of the poem. It's a dream you had, right? If so, good job with imagery and getting the point across.

On YWS, instead of pressing space four times to make a tab on poems, you hit enter two or three times and put a "~" in between the lines to make the stanzas a little more obvious, like so:

Story story stanza whatever

~

Resume story story stanza whatever


It makes it a lot easier to tell what and where the stanzas are. :D

Also, I would recommend uncapitalizing most of the beginnings of the lines, especially when they aren't the beginnings of a "sentence." But that's probably just me.


There you go! Give me your soul already! --

Kara




TheBlueCat says...


Wow! Thanks for all the feedback Kara! :) I'm not good at putting punctuation at the end of poems btw. And the poem was not necessarily suppose to rhyme... but thanks for the tips! :)
(No I won't give you my soul)
Also, you can just call me Cat. :3



zaminami says...


Thanks :D

AND YES YOU WILL GIVE ME YOUR SOUL BOI I DEMAND IT



TheBlueCat says...


What if I don't have a soul?



zaminami says...


you have to have one



TheBlueCat says...


But I'm a cat



zaminami says...


Cats have souls



TheBlueCat says...


Since when?



zaminami says...


since forever. everything that is living has a soul, even plants. i'm a demon goddess. i would know.



TheBlueCat says...


Soo... who said I'm living? What if I'm just sleeping?



zaminami says...


Even dead things have souls, first of all. That's what a spirit is. Second, you still have a soul when you're sleeping you're still alive aren't you XD



TheBlueCat says...


..what? I feel asleep there. Anyways, why are we doing this xD




Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream