Young Writers Society

Unsure of this.

Hi there LeonineLisbeth. I figure that this is going to be in the Green Room for awhile longer if I don't go ahead and tackle this, so I'll go ahead. I give my condolences about your friend and seeing as this isn't meant to be a professional piece, I'll attempt to tread lightly on what I have to say. Without further ado, let's review.

If the purpose of this (as I saw in the Author's Note) is to express your emotions the day after this friend of yours passed away, this is successful. Closure is what I get from this even though the pain or grief may continue for days that follow. Cathartic waves that are washing away the sand in-between the feet of the speaker--that's what I get from this. The itch of the sand is there but the sand is gone.

The waves have washed the sand off but the effect lasts even though the speaker's come to terms with this fact. I have to say that this holds a couple elements are often involved in prose poetry as well even though I know that this is simply an entry or a set of thoughts. The repetition and imagery are what're pointing me to say this holds a couple elements of prose poetry--both can often come up in that form of writing even if they're not required (imagery or description is a bit of a staple of poetry, but I digress).

This definitely doesn't always have proper grammar. That's alright if that isn't needed in what you're attempting to write. Overall? This works for what this is even if personal memories are key and while there are parts with these, a memoir piece that I can see this being doesn't use or dig enough into those personal events. Work on that a bit more for a better effect of showing and not telling. For cathartic purposes, this works.

if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a nice day, Leonine. I hope that your friend is in a better place now too.

Hi Leonine, I read your author's note at the bottom and am very sorry for your loss. What a horrible thing to go through, but I hope you were able to find some comfort in being able to write about the experience and emotions that you went through.

This reads like a sort of private eulogy, especially with the "to the boy in the casket" repetition. I'll also say that I think the sequence of the paragraphs was done nicely. Although this is an intense and obviously sober piece you end with a bit of hope and gratitude for the boy, "I thank you for teaching me the importance of life". I think it's really easy in pieces like this to get swept up into one emotional tone of sorrow or anger, but this piece is multi-layered. There's sadness, but it doesn't end on that. You take the time to pay tribute to your lost friend by reviewing some of their positive traits like the detail about their warmth like "sweet tea". Showing the positive side of the friend also helps readers like myself better understand the scope of the loss and the relationship.

I think the most poignant line of the piece is that second one. "My first kiss is now buried with you in the soil I stand on each day" this is absolutely heartbreaking. I could see this piece becoming a sort of poem if some of the paragraphs were a bit shortened to be more concise. But the way it is, is a really lovely tribute to your friend as is.

Again, very sorry for your loss. Best wishes to you!

~alliyah

Wow... I kind of understand how you feel
My friend almost committed suicide herself. And i wrote my way through it.
I will start by saying that in this situation, nothing is right or wrong. It is your feelings. This is a very powerful situation.

You show regret a lot. That is normal. But don't feel like this is your fault.

I like how you repeated to the boy in the casket.

I cant call this a review. Thisnis your feelings. I cant say much.
Just feel freento messgae me if you need to talk,

Kimmycat

Hi Leonine.

I saw your little note below me, and wow, this is a beautiful piece considering it came from your journal. (you don't even want to know what a mess mine looks like) I'm so sorry for what happened, and I hope you're doing okay. <333

I'm not quite sure how I should go about reviewing this. It's personal and emotional, and I certainly don't wish to cause any offense. You wrote this in your journal, you said, so some questions I have dangling above my head are easy and obvious to you. This is not a short story or chapter of a novel, it's just an entry. And because it's just an entry, I'm having a difficult time relating to the emotions here and connecting you with him. This may seem very personal to you, and I'm okay with you leaving it at that, but to a stranger reading this, it won't have the same impact.

I'll be honest with you. The phrase "To the boy in the casket" doesn't seem very personal. It's kind of distant and withdrawn, almost like you're referring to a minor acquaintance of yours that you never spent much time with. Especially considering you never mention his name once in here.

You never go into detail about the relationship between you and this boy. You give vague little toss-outs like "you brought a subtle warmth and happiness that is gone too soon" and "I thank you for teaching me the importance of life" but you don't dive into that. You know what it means, but for me, I'm wondering how did he bring subtle warmth and happiness? How did he teach you the importance of life? Give us a few examples. I feel like I don't know this person. Oh, you can tell us about him, but it's not the same as telling us what you know of him.

I never wish to bestow a lifetime of sadness and anguish to my family, the very same that I witnessed your own kin feel when we said goodbye together.

To the boy in the casket,

I hope you've found happiness.

QUICK AUTHOR'S NOTE (I could only write so much in my description)--
This piece was written the day after I attended my friend's funeral. The date at the top is showing that this is one of my journal entries, and I thought I'd share my emotions here in YWS with my writing. The point isn't so much where the errors in punctuation and grammar are, as I haven't proof read this (for it is only a journal entry), it's just me being able to get out my emotions. Thank you for reading.