Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review.
I'm going to copy-paste the entire work and then put my comments in blue and my corrections in red, as well as put a strike through anything I think should be taken out
Spoiler! :
So besides what I covered in that review, there are a few things here that I wanted to talk about. The first would be showing instead of telling, whenever possible. It will make your characters come alive a little bit more, because right now they seem like the typical, flat teenagers that you see going to school and happened upon a secret. There's nothing that really endears them to my heart, and I think you need to work to change that.
The way Dylan talked to himself was also a little bit strange. Usually, when authors want to signify that the character is thinking something, they use italics. It will make it seem a little less harsh, and is just conventional. To do it in BB code, you would do and stick the text you want italicized in between the sets of brackets, like this:
Dylan thinks this.
I also agree with Samk642 that this should be longer and expand more on the scene, on how the characters are feeling, what they do, how they feel about it, what happens to them, their unique perspectives and memories. Just make it longer by adding in the what, why, where, when, who, and hows of writing, and then you'll have a more full-sized novel on your hands.
That's all I have for you today! Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to let me know and I'll do my best to clear it up. Until then, keep writing!
Best wishes,
MJ
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