Young Writers Society

Hi Lily708!

Whatcha here for a review

Grammar-wise, 'yet' seems out of place. You could change it to -
'She knew is was the last time she'd see him -
yet,
she said nothing . . .'
You might also put a period after 'nothing.'
And, like Biluata said, what's the italics for? They don't make sense. Maybe ' her jaw ached from smilng ' does, but ' she said nothing ' does not, at all, at least not for me.
I also agree with rosette; there's not enough context. Did her jaw ach from smiling a fake smile? And if so, because she hated him or because she didn't want him to see her sad? If you fleshed it out, it could become more moving than it already is.

And, again like rosette said, what does 'stained smiles' have to do with this? It's a great title, but it has to match the contents.

That's all! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

~whatcha

Good afternoon, Lily!
I hope you're doing grand.
I've been wandering around the Green Room, looking for something short to review and came across this.
I could not resist.
I actually reviewed a rather short work earlier, but this is even shorter!

You only have one period, but I'd consider this two sentences, and stick a period after "nothing".
If I were to leave it like this.
It's too short, is the problem. There's not enough story here to make an impact or leave an impression. All we know is that it was the last time this girl would see this guy, but she said nothing and her jaw ached from smiling. We know no background information or details. Why was it the last time she would see him? I'm assuming the "him" is a boyfriend or crush, but you never actually said so, technically, it could be a brother, father or even grandpa. What is the relationship here?

Why did she say nothing? Well, something in the past must have happened to bring that response, or rather, no response out of her. What was it? Why is remaining mute, yet smiling so hard her jaw hurts? Is that a fake smile? A sad smile? What?
I also don't understand why the last two lines are italicized.

I need some more information. I don't know enough about these people - this girl - to make a connection.
I will say, though, I like the title. It was different, and it definitely intrigued me. However, how are the smiles stained? Or rather, her smile stained? Stained with what?
I do think you could make this a fabulous emotional piece, but as of right now I only have two sentences and a unique format. It almost looks like you were attempting poetry, but once more, not enough info and details.

One more note before I take off, because this is eating at me:

Knowing it was the last time she'd see him,
Yet
She said nothing

Hello there! Luata here to leave a review.

I found your short work to be really interesting, because it created an emotional atmosphere without using a lot of words (I hope that makes sense ... I'll try to explain, I guess. Pardon my rambling, though, it's relatively early in the morning and I'm still a bit groggy. What I mean by emotional atmosphere is that it creates the sort of mentality that would lead the reader to feel something.)

The only thing I would say for this one is that it is a bit cliche (but a very clever way of presenting a cliche idea, which is the saving grace of this piece) and that the structuring of the lines could be a bit different, I think, just to pack some more emphasis on your final point.

What I mean by that is put a hyphen after "Yet" in order to make sure the reader pauses. I'd put a period at the end of "She said nothing" because that's going to draw a lot more attention to your final line (which is the most important part of the piece). I'd also take off the italics from "She said nothing" and make them plain text, then only italicize the final line. Again, that is only to draw emphasis to that line.

Of course, you are the author, so take my opinions with a grain of salt!

All in all, this was a very interesting piece despite the shortness of it and it was a pleasure to write a review for you! I hope that you have a wonderful day!
~Luata