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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Hope, Fill Dark Places - Chapter 1.1

by RubyRed


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Jillian learns to keep her mouth shut.

Lights lit up the hallways and rooms of the asylum, causing Jillian to shut her eyes tightly in order to protect them from the sudden brightness that seemed to be coming from Heaven above. Even though everything could be seen now, it still felt as dark as it did before. The sounds of tapping shoes could be heard outside her room. She was wondering if today she'd be able to call her family—if she'd be able to hear her mother's sweet soft voice of honey. If she could only tell her she missed her so, she might try to get better—to come home... home, the word was bittersweet. For some reason she didn’t believe she'd ever be there again. It already felt like she had been away for years. Years she couldn’t put memories to.

The lock to her door clicked and the door itself creaked upon opening. A small brunette woman stood there with keys swinging and chiming as if to hypnotize Jillian into coming with her.

"Ms. Johns would you please come with me?" she said giving a light and nervous smile.

"I-I... will I get to call my family today? I miss my mother..." Jillian asked shaking on her bed with her knees pulled to her chest.

The lady lowered her head in dismay, and Jillian, knowing what that meant, let a tear fall from her eye. She slowly found her feet and complied. There wasn’t a need to fight the lady. She knew she wouldn’t get anywhere that way. The only thing that would win her in the end would be obedience by force, and no one enjoyed that.

The halls were filled with women. Women of all kinds. Some of them young, some of them old, some of them sick, and some of them well. Nuns were also present, and they stood out very much, being the only women dressed in black. The one that stood out to Jillian the most, however, was an old lady with grey messy short hair. She was mumbling something under her breath as she watched the tiled floor every step of the way. She was hunched over in a very uncomfortable looking manner. It was almost as if she couldn’t look up from the floor. To her right was another woman. This one was younger, and she wouldn’t stop feeling her belly. It was as if she thought she was pregnant. Her long blonde hair swayed with every step as she hummed a sweet tune ignoring the staff member that was glaring at her.

The hall ended and in front of it was another locked door. A guard pulled out his pair of keys and turned them in the lock opening it. Everyone was brought into a dirty lounge area. There were a few tables, chairs, and couches spread out through the whole room except the center which led to another locked door.

"Alright, ladies. Please, be on your best behavior. We wouldn’t want to call the guards on you," a nun warned with a smile. She turned and left locking the door behind her.

"Bitch," a woman called the nun under her breath, but loudly enough for another to hear.

The other younger troubled woman laughed at the profanity, and rocked back and forth in her chair continuing to giggle till the echoes died out into a bitter silence no one seemed to enjoy.

"Might as well get comfortable," a middle-aged woman in what seemed to be her thirties said as she reached for the pack of cigarettes on the scratched wood table. She asked for it to be lighted, and a nun reluctantly did so for her.

"Some music?" the same nun asked but answered for them turning on a record of classical music.

A few people perked up, but the majority of them looked disinterested finding either somewhere to sit or something to do. Jillian already feeling like a social outcast, sat down by herself. Her right leg bounced up and down in a way that almost looked like she was cold, but it was a nervous twitch she had all her life. She looked around the room multiple times, and got caught a few times staring at the people who had obvious problems with them.

"What's your story, sweet?" the smoking woman asked sitting down next to her on the couch.

Jillian looked at her then her cigarette and opened her mouth to speak, but the woman grabbed her arm noticing her self-harm scars.

"So you tried to killed herself. Pfff... what a waste. The nuns will jump on you for that one if they haven't already 'God loves you, a life is only his to take,'" she imitated, "what a load of BS. If God existed, I wouldn’t be here now would I? Ya know that's another thing I don’t get..." she continued but stopped to take another puff of her cigarette, "if God's supposed to be all loving and shit, why the hell did he put these bitches in charge?" she asked gesturing to the nuns."They're the most hypocritical people I've ever met. There's not a forgiving bone in their bodies... you don’t talk much, sweet. What's the deal with that? I don’t like people who can't hold their own in a conversation."

"I... well... why are you here?" Jillian asked looking up at the woman who was now blowing the smoke out of her nose to keep herself amused.

"I was caught looking at a woman the wrong way by my loving husband. He threw me in here and never looked back. He's probably having the time of his life gambling my hard earned savings away, and going off on his honeymoon with my sister. Never should've trusted that sleazebag."

"I'm so--"

"Don’t start. I don’t need the sympathy. If I knew he was going to throw me in here, I would've killed the bastard before he could get another word past his lying lips."

"So are you then?"

"What?"

"Into women? I mean I'm not I'm... j--"

"Honey, living with a man like mine would make you look elsewhere as well," she furrowed her eyebrows and took another long puff from her cigarette.

Jillian watched her till she got an uncanny glance back then stared at the floor. She heard the sounds of the piano keys on the record player fading out as she fell into one of her deep moments of thought. Everything else was blurred even the smell of smoke as she slipped into the dark corners of her mind.

Why am I here? I didn’t do anything wrong... I hate father for putting me in here! I'm sure he did it. Mother wouldn’t have put me here. She loves me. I wonder if she's thinking about me now or if she's glad I'm here. We were so close. She was my only friend in all the world, yet so easily taken away from me like I never even had her in the first place. Oh, I hate you father so much. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" she screamed aloud forgetting to contain her emotions. The music stopped on the record player, and everyone stared at her with mixed expressions on their faces. The old woman who was hunched over looked up for the first time, cocked her head, and clapped. One of the nuns whose hair was gray and wore a large tarnished cross came up to her and snatched her tightly by the arm squeezing tighter and tighter.

"It seems as though you've forgotten the rules... no shouting!" she whispered till the last part.

The nun took upon her face a sinister form—like the devil himself. Her nostrils were flared, and her eyes felt like they were piercing through her soul. Black. Cold. Cruel. Her ever tightening grip felt like it was going to cut off the circulation to her arm, or leave the imprint of her palm on it for days. Not knowing what to say to make amends, Jillian uttered what comes naturally to everyone when they've done something terribly wrong.

"I'm so--"

"You will be once I'm through with you," she said walking down the middle of the room and pulling her to the locked door at the end of it, "Open it, " she demanded.

The guard gave a somewhat worried look, but did so in haste to not anger her further.

"Squirm and you'll grant yourself more lashes than I was originally planning," she hissed looking Jillian dead in the eyes.

When they walked off, the door creaked on its hinges shutting behind them and clicking shut.

"Poor bitch," the smoking woman said turning away while letting more toxic fumes fill the air that now felt significantly colder.


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Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:25 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Having read this part now I want to refer back to my comment on the prologue and say that I do think the prologue and this chapter could be combined. It takes place during the same time and what happens in this chapter happens immediately after the happenings of the prologue. If there's no gap in time or place or anything else, there's no need for a prologue.

You're a good writer and you write good descriptions! Like I said in the prologue, you've done a nice job of establishing a sense of place. I can feel the despair and the hopelessness of the place and I like the way you show the MC's helplessness and confusion about how she ended up here.

Why were all of the women called together? Is this a usual thing? Has this happened to the MC before? I'd be curious to know a little more about it and how she feels about it. Is it nice to be surrounded by people again after spending so much time isolated, or is it overwhelming and scary? You sort of hint at that with her mentioning she feels like a outcast, but I think I want more.

Geez I already hate these nuns and their asinine punishments for asinine rules. They must of have been mentored by Dolores Umbridge *eye roll*

The only thing I'm really missing or wondering here is when the ball is going to get rolling. You've set up a great setting and your MC intrigues me, but why are we here? I'm waiting for the MC's goal and the catalyst to set everything in motion. I noticed that this is 1.1 so I'm assuming there is more of the first chapter to come and perhaps all shall be revealed then. But just something to be mindful of. The catalyst doesn't have to happen by the end of the first chapter, but I should at least know what the MC wants and if she has a plan to make it happen.

I hope you keep working on this story but it really is intriguing so far! If you ever put more up on YWS, let me know because I'll keep reading! Please let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D




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Sun Jul 09, 2017 10:43 am
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, RubyRed! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

The grammar is great, so I'll move onto the other parts of this chapter!

Like the last chapter, your descriptions kept my engaged with the story. They were all very vivid and detailed ones, which helped me to imagine what the asylum looks like. This chapter gave me a better understanding of what the setting looked like in the prologue, so that's also a bonus.

You also give the reader more insight into Jill's life when referring to her father and mother. We know that she trusted her mother and had a rocky relationship with her father prior to ending up in the asylum. The reader also gets a chance to learn more about other patients in the asylum, as well as the cruelty of the nuns. I think that your characters were probably your strongest part of the chapter!

My one problem is when Jill screams out how much she hates her father. Even though the capitalized letters are supposed to show how angry she is and how she's yelling, they seem out of place with the rest of the story. The exclamation points at the end of the sentences help convey her anger, and the dialogue tag shows how loud she is.

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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Fri Jul 07, 2017 6:51 pm
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SynonymousTom wrote a review...



Hey Ruby! Sorry for the late review.

So overall I enjoyed this chapter, it further adds to the setting. I wouldn't say its quite as atmospheric as the prologue, but I don't think that's a bad thing. This portion more focuses on the people inside the asylum, which makes sense seeing as Jillian was locked in her room during the prologue.

Anyways, I have a couple main things I want to point out.

"The one that stood out to Jillian the most, however, was an old lady with grey messy short hair."

Here, I immediately assumed you were referring to a nun. I'm still leaning towards thinking that is what you intended. I assume that because you start the description of this particular woman with "the one that stood out" immediately after pointing out the nuns in black. I had to go back and re-read a few times, however, because of this: "The old woman who was hunched over looked up for the first time, cocked her head, and clapped." I knew who you were referring to, but "the old woman" came across as describing an patient of the asylum. Furthermore, the next line starts with "one of the nuns" and continues to separate this hunched character from being a nun in the readers' minds. I would clear that up and reword some of it, to make sure it's clear whether this hunched figure is a nun or not. Perhaps when she is first mentioned, don't introduce her immediately after describing the nuns, or call her a nun later on in the story. I understand she's supposed to be a creepy character with no real background or significance at this point, but more of an atmospheric tick, so just make sure that what she is stays consistent.

Next, is the lady with the cigarette. I don't think her character makes much sense in this setting. I understand you're looking for the "laid back, been through a lot, understands everything" character here. But is an asylum the place for that? Maybe a more personable nun who isn't as cold as the others could be that. But a lady who is smoking inside an asylum doesn't make much sense. I highly doubt that would be allowed, nevertheless a nun being called over to light it for her. I don't think that fits, because immediately after this laid back woman has been smoking and talking to Jillian, Jillian is thrown into the locked room for yelling out. See the contrast there?

Jillian yelling out is my next point. This seems somewhat out of character, but it's not the biggest deal to me because she hasn't been developed a whole lot yet. Up to this point, she mostly seems worrisome and remorseful of being there, and hasn't come across as angry or anything. So this sudden outbreak of anger towards her father where she yells "I hate you!" multiple times seems a bit random and misplaced.

Those are my nitpicks for this, I hope they aren't too harsh. I'm mostly commenting on the characters, story line, and atmosphere, as you can see! I hope it's some help.

Keep me posted on future chapters! :)

-Tom




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Thu Jul 06, 2017 9:59 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



A-ha! I knew I had a review request I'd forgotten about xD

Nit-picks:

Ms. Johns, would you


The one that stood out to Jillian the most, however, was an old lady with grey messy short hair.

I'm just wondering what caught Jillian's attention about this pair specifically. There seem to be a lot of odd people in this place, so just odd behaviour doesn't really explain that to me. And without that explained it's like hullo there, here are some important characters - remember them for later. :P

a middle-aged woman in what seemed to be her thirties

Bit harsh xD I don't think many people in their thirties would consider themselves middle aged.

She asked for it to be lighted, and a nun reluctantly did so for her.

Oh! I didn't realise there were nuns left in the room. It seems a bit brave for someone to have called one of them a b**** (we're not allowed to swear in reviews).

Jillian already feeling like a social outcast, sat down by herself.

Why does she feel like an outcast?

Overall:

Character: It's good that we get some more information about Jillian here, but it does kind of all come in one paragraph of fairly info-dump-y thoughts. This works okay because it leads to her outburst, which is a really tense moment, but the outburst would mean even more if we had details of her history throughout, because then we would feel more strongly about it, having not just learned about it a second ago.

Setting: I'm kind of wondering the time period of this. Like, when you would be sent to an asylum for expressing homosexual wishes, according to your husband. This isn't absolutely necessary to tell me, I'm just curious because the language seems fairly modern but that sounds like something that would have happened in the nineteenth century. I can see why nuns would have a problem with it, but then I'd expect her to have been sent to a nunnery, not an asylum.

Plot: The suspense here is really good and this is the sort of forward moving action that I'd been hoping for in the prologue. Not quite sure what they were all doing in that room though. At the moment it just feels like she went there so that she could have interactions with other characters :P

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




RubyRed says...


Thanks, Biscuits!



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Wed Jul 05, 2017 2:47 pm
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sheysse wrote a review...



Hiya, Ruby! Shey here for another review!

Finally, I'm getting around to chapter one! So far, I'm liking where this story is going a lot.

The ending left me with the question of if the story will always follow Jillian, or if different perspectives are planned. I ask because at the end, Jillian is brought into a separate room, and instead of getting a feel for the room she was brought into, the perspective clearly shifts to the smoking woman (who I hope will be named, and gain importance). I do suggest perspective shifts between chapters, because it can do a few things. Two perspectives can lead to two different stories being told simultaneously, something which is always fun. It can also mean that just when one story is getting to a suspenseful climax, you can switch perspectives and leave the reader needing more. I've read some books where three or four perspectives are in place, an it ends up coming together really nicely. I've also read some where it breaks the story, so if you do choose to do it, be careful how you accomplish it.

Let's talk Jillian. Specifically, let's discuss her backstory. We can gather that she loves her mother, hates her father, knows her father hates her, and is trying to decide her mother's status. To be entirely honest, I think this is a boring backstory, at the moment, anyway. It's overused... I've seen it countless times, in countless stories. Don't get me wrong, it's a great start, but it could use some work. Siblings have yet to be mentioned, and I think the best way to make this backstory better would be to add some siblings. Making the siblings older and bullies is even more cliché, so perhaps have it so her sibling really loves her, but she was too focused on the world being horrible that she never notices, and maybe someone could open her eyes to this. That was just one of many possible scenarios, and I think you can come up with a far better one. If you don't already have further plans for her family life, then maybe run wild with Dom sibling ideas.

I'm really loving this story, and looking forward to reading more. Keep up the great work!

~Shey~




RubyRed says...


Thanks Shey!



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Wed Jul 05, 2017 3:16 am
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myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there RubyRed,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

LINE-BY-LINE/NIT-PICKS:

Spoiler! :
Lights lit up all the hallways and rooms of the asylumcomma causing Jillian to shut her eyes tightly in order to protect them from the sudden brightness that seemed to be coming from Heaven above. Even though everything could be seen now, it still felt as dark as it did before.I'm slightly confused at who is mentioning this little detail as you have already told us that Jillian had shut her eyes tightly. So, is it Jillian who feels like it's still as dark or is it someone else. The sounds of tapping shoes could be heard outside her room. She was wondering if today she'd be able to call her family—if she'd be able to hear her mother's sweet soft voice of honey. If she could only tell her she missed her so, she might try to get better—to come home... home, the word was bittersweet. For some reason she didn’t believe she'd ever be there again. It already felt like she had been away for years. Years she couldn’t put memories to. Ok, so I personally don't see how the first two sentences tie in with the rest of the paragraph. As is, it feels like you skipped around a bit. I mean, the way you started off sounded like something big was about to happen to your character, but then it changed to your reader just basically reading about what your character was thinking. I got super ready for something to happen and then I become slightly disappointed.

The lock to her door clicked and the door itself creaked upon opening. Instead of telling us about the door's creaking, why don't you describe it to us. A small brunette haired woman stood there with keys swinging and chiming as if to hypnotize Jillian into coming with her.

"Ms. Johns would you please come with me?" she said giving a light and nervous smile.

"I-I... will I get to call my family today? I miss my mother..." Jillian asked shaking on her
bed with her knees pulled to her chest. Hmm, not bad but I think that this image could be a bit stronger.

The lady lowered her head in dismay, and Jillian commaknowing what that meant, let a tear fall from her eye, trail down her pale cheek, and drop from her chin onto her arms which were currently wrapped around her for comfortWhile the image is nice, right now it doesn't add much. If you could find a way to shorten it and make it stronger then I say go for it.. She slowly foundgot to her feet and complied. There wasn’t a need to fight the lady. She knew she wouldn’t get anywhere that way. The only thing that would win her in the end would be obedience by force, and no one enjoyed that. What do you mean by "obedience by force?" It sounds a little contradictory to say that obedience by force is the only way to win someone/.

The halls were filled with women. Women of all kinds. Some of them young, some of them old, some of them sick, and some of them well. Nuns were also present in the large group. and they stood out very much, being the only women currently dressed in black.Unless there is a time in which all the women are dressed in black then the currently part is unneeded. The one that stood out to Jillian the most, <- you don't need this commahowever, was an old lady with grey messy short hair. She was mumbling something under her breath as she watched the titledtiled floor every step of the way. She was hunched over in a very uncomfortable looking manner. It was almost as if she couldn’t look up from the floor. To her right was another woman. This one was younger, and she wouldn’t stop feeling her belly. It was as if she thought she was pregnant. How does someone come to this conclusion just through the fact that someone repetitively rubs their stomach? Are they doing so in a way that a pregnant lady does so? Her long blonde hair swayed with every step as she hummed a sweet tune ignoring the staff member that was glaring at her. I like how you're trying to add detail into the story and how you are trying to describe the other women who also inhabit this asylum however I think you could do so in a stronger way.

The hall ended and in front of it was another locked door. A guard pulled out his pair of keys and turned them in the lock opening it. Everyone was brought into what looked to be a dirty lounge area. There were a few tables, chairs, and couches spread out through the whole room except the center which led to another locked door.

"Alright, ladies. Please, be on your best behavior. We wouldn’t want to call the guards on you," a nun warned with a smile. She turned and left locking the door behind her.

"Bitch," a woman called the nun under herbreath, but loudly enough for another woman to hear her.

I'm going to assume that the lady in the beginning brought Jillian here to the lounge area but I still wanna ask: what happened to Jillian?

The other younger troubled—troubled even more so than the rest—Is this information necessary for your readers to know? If so, then introduce it to us in a different manner. woman laughed at the profanity, and rocked back and forth in her chair continuing to giggle till the echoes died out into a bitter silence no one seemed to enjoy.

"Might as well get comfortable..." The ellipsis is unneeded unless somehow her dialogue got interrupted. A middle-aged woman in what seemed to be her thirties said as she reached for the pack of cigarettes on the scratched wood table. She asked for it to be lighted, and a nun reluctantly did so for her.

"Some music?" the same nun asked but answered for them turning on a record of classical music.

A few people perked up, but the majority of them looked disinterested finding either somewhere to sit or something to do. Jillian already feeling like a social outcast, sat herself down by herself. Her right leg bounced up and down in a way that almost looked like she was cold, but it was a nervous twitch she had all her life. She looked around the room multiple times, and got caught a few times staring at the people who had obvious problems with them. When you say she got caught, how so do you mean? Did those people just look at her or did she get scolded in some way by the nuns?

"What's your story, sweet?" the smoking woman smoking asked sitting down next to her on the couch that looked like it was going to fall apart any second.

Jillian looked at her then her cigarette and opened her mouth to speak, but the woman grabbed her arm noticing her self-harm scars.

"So you tried to killed herself. Pfff... what a waste. The nuns will jump on you for that one if they haven't already 'God loves you, a life is only Hishis to take,'" she imitated, "what a load of BS. If God existed, I wouldn’t be here now would I? Ya know that's another thing I don’t get... comma instead of ellipsis" she continued but stopped to take another puff of her cigarette, "if God's supposed to be all loving and shit, why the hell did he put these bitches in charge?" she asked gesturing to the nuns.

"They're the most hypocritical people I've ever met. There's not a forgiving bone in their bodies... you don’t talk much, sweet. What's the deal with that? I don’t like people who can't hold their own in a conversation." Go ahead and add this to the chunk of dialogue above since the same character is still speaking

"I... well... why are you here?" Jillian asked looking up at the woman who was now blowing the smoke out of her nose to keep herself amused.

"I was caught looking at a woman the wrong way by my loving husband. He threw me in here and never looked back. He's probably having the time of his life gambling my hard earned savings away, and going off on his honeymoon with my sister. Never should've trusted that sleazebag." What time period are they living in and where? I ask this because in this day and age, if a women looked at another they wouldn't be thrown into an asylum

Ok, I'm stopping there because at this point I feel like I'm just gonna start repeating myself.


Overview: That was kind of rough in my opinion, so lets talk about a few things.

1. SHOW DONT TELL
This is the most basic of advice, therefore we're going to start here. This is the benchmark piece of writing advice that, if followed can improve your writing tenfold. So, what exactly does it mean?

Well, showing and telling has always seemed to be a matter of how you establish information. At its core, you've shown information if the reader is able to interpret it themselves and you've told if you've established that information yourself by addressing the reader or through exposition.

Now, it is ok to tell in writing, since both telling and showing are valid forms of information establishment and against popular opinion, it's impossible to not tell at all.

So, since it's impossible not to tell, why should we show more then tell? Basically, it's more engaging to show. If you let the reader come to their own conclusions [as you do when you show] they are more involved with the text, meaning they're more immersed into the story. However, telling has about the same amount of engaging qualities as that of a textbook and in all reality is half as interesting.

Going back, since telling is unavoidable, it can be tricky to decide when you're telling to much. In fact, if everything is telling then it becomes less a matter of identity and instead grows into figuring out where in the telling you could be showing more strongly.

Some things you may want tell, such as passages of time you want to skip or unimportant details and in this case it's perfectly fine to do so. Basically, telling is ok if you know why you're using it. On a sentence-by-sentence level, you want to probably aim to show any time you can. A tip to use is look out for the word "was" if you're writing in past tense, or "is" if you're writing in present tense. These words often lead to instances of telling.

Now keeping everything in mind, let's look at an example from your text:

Everyone was brought into what looked to be a dirty lounge area. There were a few tables, chairs, and couches spread out through the whole room except the center which led to another locked door.
So, here you do give us a little detail into how the room looks but you say it to your reader so matter of fact-ly that it becomes something that your reader is told then shown.

But let's go into a little more detail then that. In the first sentence, you tell us that the women were brought into "what looked to be a dirty lounge area." The first problem with this is the phrase 'what looked to be.' In reality, it either is a dirty lounge area or is not. When you say 'what looked to be' you're almost questioning your own scene. So, are they brought into a dirty lounge area or not.

The second issue is telling using the words "dirty lounge area." Instead of blatantly telling your readers that the lounge are is dirty, show it to us instead. Some questions to ask are: Is there trash on the floor or surfaces? How is it dirty? Is the floor covered in a thin layer of grime or dirt? Is the upholstery of the couches and chairs torn or stained? Etcetera.

Take this ^^ and read through your story line by line and think about everything I said above. Find the places that you can show your readers what's happening and write them down. I'm going to move on now.

2. BE ASSERTIVE
This is tricky because "assertive" is subjective and can be difficult to work into prose. But basically it's the difference between.

Everyone was brought into what looked to be a dirty lounge area.
Your writing

and

Everyone was brought into a dirty lounge area.
My writing

The difference is subtle but there. In the first, the narrator is flip-flopping in their description and there's nothing much for the reader to grab onto and immerse themselves in. Unless you're writing an unreliable narrator, the narrator should be a source of trusts and absolutes. An assertive narrator doesn't go around saying "what looked to be." They instead have to go and drive home how the lounge is dirty.

The best way to catch unassertive writing is to look for the words "might" or "seem." "Thing" is also considered an unassertive word since there are many stronger words that can be used in its place. The point is to appear both confident in your writing but to also be vivid and punchy and to have strong descriptions.

3. DESCRIPTION THROUGH CHARACTER
So, there will come a time when you want your main character to walk into a room [or down the hall] and describe something. That something could be the room itself, a person or something in said room. Now, while there are ways to write bad description such as through passive voice, you can easily establish character while also establishing description if you describe it through the eyes of the character.

Basically, everyone is different and everyone has different outlooks. Therefore, Jillian will see things differently from how say the lady escorting her down the hall would. While Jillian is drawn to the women with short grey hair, the lady could be drawn to another patient or a nun.

So why do I bring this up?

Well, when you write through the eyes of a character, as you do when Jillian describes the people in the hall and in the lounge, you should think about a couple things:

One, is what your writing actually important to the story? If it's not establishing character or pushing the plot forward, then it's useless. Second, what exactly does your character see first? And third, keep a sense of movement There should be a logical train in your description. Don't jump between describing one thing and then another, find some train of thought that makes sense.

Let's look at the hallway example for a hot minute:

The one that stood out to Jillian the most, however, was an old lady with grey messy short hair. She was mumbling something under her breath as she watched the titled floor every step of the way. She was hunched over in a very uncomfortable looking manner. It was almost as if she couldn’t look up from the floor. To her right was another woman. This one was younger, and she wouldn’t stop feeling her belly. It was as if she thought she was pregnant. Her long blonde hair swayed with every step as she hummed a sweet tune ignoring the staff member that was glaring at her.


Now using this, let's think about those three things.
1. Is it important for the story? For the most part, I'd say yes, since this is the scene that sticks out to Jillian most, however is it all necessary. Does your reader need to know about the women to her right?
2.) What does the character notice first? So, you describe the lady that catches Jillian by her hair. Why? What about it is actually eye catching? Is it really the hair, or something else that catches Jillian's eye?
3.) Keep a sense of movement. For the most part, you have this here. It could be a little better since the flow is kind of choppy, but you don't bounce around a lot so that's good.

4. CONTENT

This is going to be the last thing I mention since this review is getting to become dreadfully long. I also hope you've actually read this far. Mainly, I liked the story, I found that the idea was very interesting and I am totally looking forward to reading more. I know that I may have missed some back story since I didn't read the prologue but I feel like I should go and read it. My one problem so to say with this is that fact that you labeled this as mystery/suspense but I haven't really seen anything that could be considered mystery or suspense. If you read my line-by-line you would have noticed that I mentioned something about the opening lines. I think that applies here.

Anyway, I think that's it. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I hope I didn't sound to harsh or what not. Good luck and continue writing.




RubyRed says...


Hello, myjaspercat! Thank you so much for your review even if it was terribly long, ahaha. XD It was so very, very helpful to me. You have no idea. I really struggle with "showing and not telling" so could you PM me an example of that? Also I fixed all the "Nit-picks" thanks for those. And I'm wondering, if you go back and read the prologue that is, if this first part ties in well or not.

And my reasoning for labeling it mystery/suspense is that the story itself has a twist ending but I guess I should label the specific chapters accordingly. Or not specify why Jillian is there... hmm.

Would you like me to tag you from here on out for every new part that comes out? I could use your criticism.

You weren't harsh at all. C:



myjaspercat says...


I would love to be tagged. And I'm so glad I was able to help out and you didn't find it harsh. I always fear that people are going to think of me as some snob or what not since I do typically write really long reviews and I don't focus on the good. I also definitely go back and look at the prologue, I can even write a review if ya want. And yes, I can PM you an example. Anyway glad I can help.



RubyRed says...


Oh don't worry about that when reviewing for me I like straight forward criticism. I'd love a review for that. And thanks so much again! <3



myjaspercat says...


Of course, always glad to help




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— Arcticus