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Young Writers Society



Mixing Magic [Draft 2]: Chapter 1

by Mea


“Your pace is glacial, Ayda. Even my youngest apprentice is working faster than you.”

Ayda nearly jumped out of her skin. She spun around, wings fluttering, whipping her hand out of the pocket of her trousers, thankful that her long shirt would hide the bulge of the piece of wood inside. Master Bivale loomed over her, hovering an inch or so off the floor with his arms folded, as he was prone to do when irritated. The fairy owned the largest carpentry shop in Nikka, and for years now Ayda had been one of his students.

He landed beside her work — a half-finished plain wooden chair. It had a seat and a back, but no legs yet, and it was the third one Ayda had had to make this week. He inspected it closely, prodding and pulling on it to check the pieces were firmly bound together. Ayda waited.

“Sound work as usual,” he admitted. “But how in all the forests does it take a fourth-year student three hours to half-finish a simple chair? Even though you’re gone for six months out of the year, a typical second-year student would be finished by now. So why the delay?”

I’m bored, what do you expect? But Ayda shrugged. “Just being careful.”

“Well, you’ll need to pick up the pace a bit, because I want this finished by today.” He set the chair down and looked at Ayda.

“Yes, sir,” she said, obedient. He left, and she watched him fly across the crowded room. The backroom of Master Bivale’s shop was long and high-ceilinged, the floor so littered with machinery and scrap that nobody even tried to navigate it, taking to the air instead. Down on the ground, the air was dusty, and the noise of machinery was a constant background buzz.

The other students — most of them full-blown apprentices by now — were clustered at the other end of the room, awaiting Bivale’s return. He had been teaching them some complicated technique involving their magic, restricted only to Earth fairies like Ayda, of course. The other Elemental types wouldn’t be able to do anything to wood, and even Earth fairies had a easier time working with living plants rather than dead.

Ayda could feel their eyes on her. She turned back to her work, reminding herself for the hundredth time that it wasn’t her fault she was so far behind — she wouldn’t trade the six months a year she spent traveling with her family for anything. And if it meant she was practically a stranger to the other students, and that she was falling far behind every spring and summer, so what? The open road was her home.

She selected a twig from a nearby pile and began grinding it down to the shape she needed to form the first leg of the chair. It was tedious, and Ayda’s hand kept straying to her pocket.

You’re leaving in two days, she told herself, and then you won’t have to do this again until you get back in the fall. This is your last job. If you finish quickly, you’ll have enough time to sneak away and work on your carving.

The thought spurred her on, and she finished the other three legs in little more than an hour. She sat on the chair, found it wobbled slightly, and trimmed the appropriate legs. Then she sanded the whole thing smooth and stepped back.

There it was. A wooden chair. Oh, it was sized just right for fairies, about five inches tall, with wing slots in the back and a comfortably shaped seat. It was perfectly functional. And perfectly uninspired.

Ayda glanced over her shoulder and saw that Bivale was still busy. Her chair was done, and she wasn’t about to interrupt him and stand around for ages while he verified it, then gave her some menial job to do.

So instead, she snatched her fine carving tools from their hiding place behind a pot of varnish and flew out the back door.

The day was warm, but not hot yet, and a lazy breeze drifted down the deserted cobbled street and spun in the courtyard behind the shop. The wooden buildings were narrow and close together, rising two or three stories above the ground. This back street was where deliveries were loaded and unloaded, but Ayda knew there were none today, and so she could be sure of some peace and quiet.

She laid her tools out on the ground next to her and took the carving out of her pocket. It was a partially formed carving of two fairies holding each other close. It was made from butternut wood and, as of yet, only had some rough proportions hewn out. That was going to change.

Ayda leaned back and closed her eyes briefly, enjoying the warm sunlight on her face. Then she picked up a knife and began to work, losing herself in the rhythm of stroke after stroke along the grain. Occasionally she paused and twisted sunbeams together to burn tiny lines in the wood, a trick she had picked up from a Fire fairy. The Fire fairy had suggested that the trick was intuitive for Earth fairies as well because of plants’ dependence on the sun. For Ayda, it was simply a much better way to carve precise lines.

This was art, and ever since she had been banned from adding decorations to the furniture she made for Bivale under the grounds that beauty “wasn’t the point” of making them, she had taken to carving small statues instead, using wood scraps and a set of small knives. With no one to teach her, she had to try to adapt what she’d learned from making furniture, but she was convinced she was getting better. And if she was good enough, maybe she could go to Crescent Moon and get an apprenticeship in carving instead of carpentry.

“Ayda!” The angry tone made Ayda sit up straight, fear flaring in her chest. There was no time to hide — the back door burst open and Bivale flew out. He fixed on the carving in Ayda’s hand immediately.

“I knew it,” he hissed, flying over to her and snatching it away. “Wasting time on trinkets again, and avoiding your work to boot.”

“I finished the chair,” Ayda protested. “That was my only assignment.”

“And you know you should have come to me as soon as you were done instead of running off,” Bivale said, clenching the carving so hard Ayda was afraid it would snap. “I should confiscate this.”

“No!” Ayda shouted. “Please, no. It’s a gift for my parents. It’s their anniversary.”

Surprised, Bivale looked down at it again. After a long moment, his expression softened. “It’s well-done,” he admitted, running a calloused thumb along the wood. “They’ll appreciate it. But that doesn’t excuse this.”

“I’m sorry, Master Bivale,” Ayda said, trying to sound as sincere as possible. But in her mind, she had been done with carpentry for the summer since she’d finished that chair.

Bivale nodded. “Thank you. I came looking for you because your sister is here. She says your parents need you at the shop.”

“What? Why?” They should be getting the wagon loaded by now, and they didn’t need her for that.

“Well I don’t know,” he said. “She’s waiting outside. You better not keep her waiting; she seems to be in a rush.”

Ayda hastily stowed her carving tools away and jammed the carving into her pocket. Then she flew up and over the building rather than going back inside and being stared at by the other students. She landed on the cobblestones in front of her older sister Nova.

Nova was tall for a fairy, more than eight inches, and was three years older than Ayda’s fourteen. Her black hair was cropped short so it just brushed her pointed ears, a pine barrette pulling it back on the right. She wore a leaf blouse stained black, and a pair of tightly-fitted pants. Her angular face was anxious and harried.

“Whittling again?” she asked when Ayda landed.

“Shut up,” Ayda said. “What’s going on?”

“Follow me,” Nova said. She took off without another word, glancing back over her shoulder.

Would it kill her to explain first? But Ayda launched into the air and followed her sister anyway.

--

Ayda’s parents were waiting outside of their shop, a humble building at the edge of Nikka’s city limits, only made remarkable by the greenhouse at the back and the fact that it was only a single story. Behind it was the city wall — four feet high, it ran along all of Nikka, except for the side that adjoined the river, where docks spilled out into its waters. On the other side, opposite from the water and just outside the walls, were the two great trees, where most of Nikka’s inhabitants made their homes. The groundcity was for business, not for living.

Nova and Ayda landed together in front of their parents.

“She was hiding in the back, whittling again,” Nova informed them smoothly. Ayda glared at her. Tattletale. Her mother frowned at her, disappointment clear.

“We’ll talk about it later,” her father said, looking weary. “Ayda, there’s been a… development.”

“Not another setback!” Ayda exclaimed. They should have been on the road weeks ago. At first, she’d thought it was just the late spring. But spring was well along by now, and the date just kept getting postponed. Whatever her parents weren’t telling her, Nova definitely knew — she was in training to take over the business after all, as the eldest — but nobody had seen fit to tell Ayda. Still, there had to be a reason for the constant delays.

“You’ll see,” her mother said. They led Ayda through the shop and to the back of the greenhouse. Much like Mater Bivale’s shop, the greenhouse had a door that led to a small street for deliveries. But what Ayda’s family delivered was not dead, carved wood, but living, breathing, magical plants. To call them gardeners would be like calling Ayda’s sculptures whittling — it simply didn’t convey the artistry involved, the time spent with the plants, persuading them to grow just right, with a little bit of magic here and there until the whole plant radiated.

And six months out of the year, they traveled the Three Kingdoms, selling their plants and herbs and offering their services to those whose gardens needed a little more life.

It’ll be more like four months out of the year if we don’t leave soon, Ayda thought. But then Ayda’s mother pulled the door open and Ayda stepped outside. She wasn’t impressed.

“It’s our wagon,” she said. “Why’s it empty?”

“Take a look inside,” her father said, and so with a shrug Ayda climbed in.

“Oh,” she said after a moment. She bit her lip, staring at the floor of the wagon. The wood was warped and discolored, and a patch of mildew spread out to cover the entire front half. Ayda glanced up to the beams and saw that one of them was rotted through as well, and could hardly keep itself up. She scrambled back outside, suddenly understanding why her parents had called her here.

She glanced at them, and then ducked underneath the wagon to see if the wood was weak all the way through. It was, and Ayda could tell at a glance that as soon as they loaded it with anything heavier than a sack of berries, the whole thing would give way.

“How on earth did this happen?” she demanded, extracting herself from the wagon and putting her hands on her hips. “The whole bed needs replacing, and one of the struts to boot. We might as well get an entirely new wagon!”

Her mom’s shoulders sagged. “That’s what we were afraid of,” her dad explained. “It looks like we won’t be leaving tomorrow, whatever happens.”

“But what happened?” Ayda insisted.

Nova shook her head. “It came out of storage like this. We’re guessing there’s a leak in the roof.”

Ayda kicked at a pebble and swore under her breath. “At this rate, we’ll never make it to Erinore before the Diuth floods. How are we supposed to reach Wildegarde?”

“We know,” her father snapped, his thick brows drawn together.

“We’re already looking for another wagon, Ayda,” her mother said, running a hand through her long, chestnut hair. “We should be leaving by the end of the week.”

That’s what you said last week, Ayda thought, but she didn’t press the point.

“Assuming we can get anybody to sell,” Nova said, blunt as ever. “The rumors from the north are making people antsy. Idiots — they’d believe sightings of humans and elves if it gave them something to gossip about.”

Ayda looked to her parents, but, worryingly, they didn’t contradict her sister. But there was nothing she could do to get another wagon, and she had a feeling her parents were going to send her back to Bivale now that she’d confirmed their wagon was unusable. The best way to make them forget where she was supposed to be was to offer to help.

“If we’re not leaving yet, then we still need fresh herbs for the market. I can get them,” Ayda said. “I promise I’ll be back by nightfall.”

Her father raised an eyebrow. “Conveniently getting you out of the city and out of work for the rest of the day.”

“I’ve already had to make three chairs this week,” Ayda pointed out.

“Oh, go ahead,” her mother said with a sigh.

Ayda hugged her in delight and flew off, fingering the carving in her pocket.

Ayda paused only to grab a knapsack and fasten it in front of her, out of the way of her wings. Then she took off, flying high above the streets of Nikka, nodding to the occasional fairy that flew by. Nikka was mostly made up of fairies, but there were a handful of other Little Folk too — gnomes and leprechauns and sprites. It was perfectly possible to get around Nikka without flying, as even the great trees had lifts to carry people up, but Ayda had always felt sorry for species born without flight.

Within minutes, she had flown over the northern wall and was in the forest. Calm swept over her, accompanied by a tingling, a prickling across her skin that meant magic was near. All around her, in fact, for she was of course feeling the magic in the plants nearby. They were comfortable, familiar.

She flew as deep into the forest as she dared, past the nearest patches of littlewart and roseleaf, reasoning she needed to give them more time to recover before plucking them again. As she flew, the sun sank behind the trees and the air grew chilly.

There. She felt the signature of roseleaf and landed on a branch of the bush. She rested her hand against a twig and closed her eyes. She could feel the energy in each branch, its love of life. She could not talk to plants — that would be silly — but as anEarth fairy, her magic lay with all things green and growing. And so she redirected the magic in several of the bush’s leaves, allowing her to pluck them without causing pain. She stowed the leaves in her knapsack, fed the bush a bit of magic as a thank-you, and took off again.

She flew further north, though she knew she was searching too far afield. Not for any risk of getting lost. She knew these woods too well. But if she didn’t turn back soon, she would be home after dusk.

Ayda was about to turn around and content herself with her usual places for finding herbs when she heard an odd, low keening filtering through the leaves. It wasn’t the cry of an animal, at least not one that lived around here. Whoever or whatever it was, it was a sound of sorrow.

Ayda only paused for a second before she turned north again, towards the source of the sound. Five minutes later, the sound was clear, broken by the occasional shuddering gasp. Ayda rounded a tall fir tree and saw a huddled shape on the ground. For a moment, she hovered there, not quite sure what she was seeing. Then she put it together.

It was a human girl, and she was crying.

---

A/N: Sorry this first chapter is a bit long. I didn't want to post it as two parts because it's just barely longish and the ending is much stronger this way. Comments on worldbuilding, the characters, and anything you were confused about would be greatly appreciated. And let me know if you want to be tagged when more chapters are posted!


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Sat Dec 16, 2017 7:27 am
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Charm wrote a review...



Hey Mea! You asked me to review this in July and I totally forgot but I'm here now. Hopefully if my review is good enough it will make it up to you.

The minute you mentioned Ayda was a fairy in the blurb you wrote for my review form I knew I'd love this. Fairies are my favorite mythical creature whether it's faes, pixies, or just your stereotypical fairy. I used to seriously believe in them when I was younger! They were more real to me than Santa Claus!

I'm not going to review any grammar just because this is the second draft and I figured you've already loved over everything (also I find grammar reviews are redundant).

I found the beginning of the chapter (and novel as this is the first chapter), a bit not to my liking. Personally I like to be introduced to the first scene of a novel, even just minor details are adequate. I don't usually like it when the beginning of novels start with dialogue. I also found the word "glacial" in the first sentence confusing. I didn't know what you meant at first so I had to reread it.

Also, Ayda seems a lot older than fourteen. She swore under her breath and just the way she thinks, talks, and also the fact that she is an apprentice. She seems more like sixteen to me.

The World:

Nikka was mostly made up of fairies, but there were a handful of other Little Folk too — gnomes and leprechauns and sprites.

I love it! I really love this world. At first in the beginning I wasn’t too sure but the second part of chapter 1 makes me really want to read more. This world is really interesting and I love faes so much so I’m really pleased with the world!

The Characters:
I would have loved to see a physical description of Brivale. I don’t remember there being one in this chapter. Also the part where Brivale catches Ayda carving a wooden statue was a bit fast paced and odd. He went from 0 to 100 real quick. He was angry and then he was not? It was confusing and I feel like the transition from anger to understanding could have been better. Perhaps show more physical signs that Brivale was still upset and disappointed but understood, or whatever stance he was at in that moment. I just found it was very odd.

Favorite Part(s):
The beginning of the second part of chapter 1 was really nice. I enjoyed the way you explained the scene. I could really visualize it. I preferred the way you introduced this part than the beginning of the novel. I also love Ayda’s parent’s profession and the way you explained it.
But what Ayda’s family delivered was not dead, carved wood, but living, breathing, magical plants. To call them gardeners would be like calling Ayda’s sculptures whittling — it simply didn’t convey the artistry involved, the time spent with the plants, persuading them to grow just right, with a little bit of magic here and there until the whole plant radiated.


Least Favorite Part(s):
I find this chapter lacks a lot of physical details, like character descriptions, world descriptions, and physical signs of emotions. My least favorite part has to be the Brivale scenes. I just found they were lacking something. Also the part with the humans being sighted (Nova mentioned it) I wish you would have made it seem a little more shocking or at least show something like that because at the end of the chapter I was kind of left feeling unshocked and by the way you ended things I knew you intended for me to feel otherwise.

Well, there’s my review. Hopefully it was good. I haven’t reviewed anything since July so sorry if it’s not.

marms




Mea says...


Haha thank you so much I totally forgot about the request so don't worry. <3 This actually isn't the most recent draft of this one chapter (the rest should be up-to-date), so you'll be happy to know that a lot of the Bivale stuff you didn't like has been cut/re-worked.

If you want to review the rest of this, that's fine, but know I'm really mostly looking for feedback on the back half of it at this point, so definitely skip reviewing most of these first parts. And if you decide not to go all the way through with this, that's totally fine too.



Charm says...


Okay! I'll probably read a couple chapters at a time and then review them together if that works for you.



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Tue Sep 05, 2017 9:17 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hi, Mea! Storm here for a review for RevMo! I'm going to be blazing through this, so be expecting a lot of reviews from me.

She turned back to her work, reminding herself for the hundredth time that it wasn’t her fault she was so far behind — she wouldn’t trade the six months a year she spent traveling with her family for anything.

So why is Ayda even apprenticed to this guy in the first place? Often, apprenticeships cost money, so if Ayda isn't getting anything out of her training, then there's no point in wasting time and money on it.

You’re leaving in two days, she told herself, and then you won’t have to do this again until you get back in the fall. This is your last job. If you finish quickly, you’ll have enough time to sneak away and work on your carving.

This part is a bit tell-y. It also irks me when there are these 2nd person thought processes are in third person narratives because it seems like it belongs more in a first person POV, but that's just my take on it.

Occasionally she paused and twisted sunbeams together to burn tiny lines in the wood, a trick she had picked up from a Fire fairy.

How can Ayda do that? You later mention that it might have been intuitive for an Earth fairy, but what exactly do you mean by that? I think this just needs a bit more context.

“Whittling again?” she asked when Ayda landed.

As far as I know, whittling and carving are not equivalent, but I'm not 100% on that.

Most of the issues I found had to do with reasonings and such. You need to show us why, but without sounding too tell-y. I also got the idea that this novel is more geared toward younger readers like from 4th to 6th grade. There's not anything wrong with that, but I just wanted you to know my take on it if that wasn't what you were going for.

I think that since you have so much potential for really cool and interesting descriptions, you should utilize that a bit more. Nikka's technology and layout isn't the same as ours here in the real world. Describe the little details more so that the readers can imagine the same rich landscape that you do.

I think that the characters could stand to be a bit more complex, but if this is a middle-grade book, they're not too far off from most others I've read. Kids understand simpler stories, so characters tend to be a bit flat and only have a few key traits, but that doesn't mean that you can put a bit more into it. I think that the character that needs the most work is Ayda. We have a good idea of her hopes and aspirations, but we don't really know what she's like.

Overall, this seems like a pretty solid start, but I think your description and characters could stand a little bolstering. I'm going to review this like the target audience is 4th to 6th graders, but I would like to know if that was your original intention. If not, I'd recommend you just own it and edit accordingly. It's working well as a middle-grade book so far.

I'm always happy to talk, and you'll find me on Discord most often, so if you want to have a lengthy conversation about the book, Discord's probably your best bet.

~Storm




Mea says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, this is meant to be high-end middle grade/low end YA. So 12-14 audience.

You'll learn a lot more about the magic as time goes on - I didn't want to bog the story down with explanations here. All told, the first scene of this is crap and will pretty much be deleted. So far I think the stuff with her family is staying.



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Tue Aug 29, 2017 8:53 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

Even though you’re gone for six months out of the year, a typical second-year student would be finished by now.
I might just be me here, but I feel like you're kinda forcing this line. It's like you want to give the information, but it doesn't really fit into the sentence.

You explain later on the same information
reminding herself for the hundredth time that it wasn’t her fault she was so far behind — she wouldn’t trade the six months a year she spent traveling with her family for anything.


I feel that the dialogue would feel better if it was like this
I know you're not here the whole time, but even a typical second-year student would be finished by now.



This was art, and ever since she had been banned from adding decorations to the furniture she made for Bivale under the grounds that beauty “wasn’t the point” of making them, she had taken to carving small statues instead, using wood scraps and a set of small knives.
I'm not sure how to fix it, but this sentence was a little awkward to read. I know what you wanted to get across, but it didn't flow like the rest of the story. Maybe reword it to make it flow a bit more. :D


Overall thoughts

Chapter plot: I like how to presented what seems to be apart of the main story plot right in first chapter. It also made for a great cliff hanger. There was also a lot of world build in this chapter, but it was done is such a way that it molded perfectly with the story and added to it instead of distraction from it. There are quite a few different plot elements presented for the fact that Ayda doesn't like the work she's in and want's to be something else to the part about the wagon breaking. It all ties together to make a strong first chapter that most certainly has me hooked.

Characters: You've presented strong characters from the start and I already have a feel for a few. Ayda is a strong willed female character that's not content with were she is. I feel like there's the possibility of over doing it, but I didn't see any of that in this chapter. :D

I'm not sure if I like Bivale or not. He seems to be quite harsh, but then I can see how Ayda might get on his nerves. I also has a soft side as you showed here
Surprised, Bivale looked down at it again. After a long moment, his expression softened. “It’s well-done,” he admitted, running a calloused thumb along the wood. “They’ll appreciate it. But that doesn’t excuse this.”
I like that. It makes his character more real.

Description: The only problem I had with the story is that fact that there's a lack of description in my opinion. The general habit description is fine with the description of the wood shop and the city, but I feel like you could put a little bit more it. Maybe add in some color. Like with Ayda is in the forest. I'd like to see what the forest is like a bit more. :D

The biggest problem is with that character description. You do describe the general features like the wings and pointed ears, but I want details. Like what color is their skin. Is one fairy's skin a different color from the next? What are their face details?

I hope I don't sound like I'm nitpicking. Your story is really good and I'm learning about places where my story lacks. :D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Please tag me for future chapters. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D




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Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:29 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Yo Mea. I know you already have a lot of reviews for the early chapters but I saw the 12th chapters in the green room, and I like to read novels from the beginning. I guess that's enough of an intro for now. Gotta save the jokes for further down the line.

You've seen my reviews around so you know that I'm going to start with how it opens up. I've never really looked at what this project of yours was or the backstory to it, so unlike some of the other reviewers, I'm going from nothing. The first scene, the first little bit the reader sees, is dialogue.
-As a side note I think that having dialogue as your opening line is really gutsy and either works out really well or sets a bad mood for the entire novel.-
Without a dialogue tag or scene description, this sounds rather mean but still serious. Like when you're hurt by the criticism given to you by the teacher but then you're like "lol they're right, this job is crap". Maybe I hear that more often than you. Either way, it's rather easily stated for me to slip into.

I started this review and decided to review, just based on the first line. That's how impulsive it is when I find a novel that I kind of like on yws. And so when I got further down, it was like "wth when did they start flying around?" I should have expected magic based on the title but I just didn't expect it to be so blunt. I like it because I didn't expect it, if you can make any sense from that statement.

This review might not seem much like a review but I'm just sort of bouncing around now to make sure I don't step on the toes of anyone else. The one problem with wanting to follow through a full novel is that chapter one has 10 reviews and chapter ten had 1 review. From glancing through the first chapter and not reading every little bit, I'm interested. There's a nice balance going on with that characters in the beginning part, even though it feels slightly cliche.

There's the overbearing master wood worker who has periods of being nice but still serious and not so nice and extremely serious. I believe I've heard this sort of plot line before. I'm sure that the whole story won't be about that but oh my god Mea, for a second I thought this was going to be something else, that I won't burden you with the details of. This is definitely a sign that I should start reading stuff all the way through before jumping to a conclusion.

A+ ending and I think that's all I'll say for now. It's review day. Everything has been highly covered already. And like rd is looking pretty pitiful this month. I'll be back for your next chapter soon.
~Lizzy




Mea says...


xD I already want to shred the first half of this opening because bleh. Anyway, thanks for the review!



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Tue Aug 08, 2017 6:51 am
ChocoDanish wrote a review...



It feels vague a little bit. Like your only half describing the characters. Love to know more about Ayda characteristics and the other fairies characteristics. Like the wings. There are different shapes and sizes and colors. Do all earth fairies have the same wing shape, pattern, size and or color? Are they translucent wings? Do they glow? Are they half bug? Do they have any other bug like characteristics?. Meeting a humanoid is cliche but it be interesting to see how you develop it.




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 3:42 am
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So for review day, I've decided to review every chapter of a novel someone was writing. Yours seemed interesting, so it's the unlucky target of my fury.

As I usually do, I don't write down grammar mistake, since your work had too few for me to notice when reading.

One of the things that stood out to me was your over explanations of things. You have a tendency to point out the relevance of every single action being performed. While not inherently a bad thing, it does get repetitive some ways down the line. There are some actions, such as Bivale crossing his arms, that could be naturally understood by the reader.

Starting off with Ayda working is a great way to start the novel. It doesn't drop the reader into anything too significant while also giving a way to explain how things work.

Your characters are pretty nice, if not a bit cliche. Ayda as a spunky female protagonist may be a bit overdone, she's not too annoying to warrant any real complaints. Her passion in carving is a good way to at least set her apart. I'd like to see how you develop her. Bivale seemed like the grouchy old man that never understood the protagonist, but him at least acknowledging that Ayda's carving would be a nice present easily set him aside from the rest of the grouchy old men. Nova is okay, I haven't really seen enough of her to create an opinion of her. Ayda's parents are easily the typical protagonist's parents: harsh dad and soft mom. I don't know how they'll change in the future, but I hope they do.

The world is definitely interesting. The way you've described the city gives me a clear picture of what it'd look like. I also like how you tried to keep everything to fairy height. I'm a bit interested in the other races since they definitely appear weaker in some ways to the fairies.

In a story called Mixing Magic, I doubt I've seen the limits of how magic is used, but it's a start. I really want to know how it works, since there have been only tiny snippets of how it's used. Then again, I have about 8 more chapters to read, so it'll probably be answered in time.

Overall, I'd say you have a great opening chapter. It gave a clear picture of your world and left it open for the story to mess around with it. The over explanation could do with a bit of work, but if you like to write it like that I won't object. Definitely tag me when you post more chapters. I want to see where this rabbit hole leads.




Mea says...


Thank you for the review! I will definitely tag you.



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Tue Jul 11, 2017 7:22 pm
GinaERufo wrote a review...



Hello :)
First of all, I would just like to say that this is a wonderful story and I can not wait to engage in it more. I loved the beginning and how it just jumped into a regular working day for Ayda, rather than giving background information too quickly, or spending multiple sentences describing the scene. That being said, you are very good at describing the fairies and their working lives, and I found myself immediately imagining the scene, which isn't always the easiest thing to do when reading a work like this but you accomplished this.

Overall, I love this story, good job! :)




Mea says...


Thank you very much! I'm really glad you liked it. I've already posted several more chapters, so if you want to read on, the links are on the right side of this page underneath "Related Items."



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Wed Jul 05, 2017 2:58 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello my dear Mea! Even though I just read this I'm going to read it again :p

I don't quite remember what you did in the first chapter of draft one, but I think I can safely say I like this version better. You got rid of that opening line I didn't like :p and I think overall it's a much more dynamic opening.

1. I liked that you started by actually showing Ayda at work doing what she does and showing what about it is so boring and not engaging for her. I also liked that you showed her little pet project and that you planted the seed about her getting an apprenticeship at Crescent Moon. I don't blame her at all for finding this work boring! If I were her and I had a talent for creating cooler stuff, I'd want to make the cooler stuff too! What an annoying teacher getting mad at her for trying to add a little flair to something! I also really liked the line about her being DONE as soon as she finished her chair (even though her work day wasn't technically over). I FEEL YOU AYDA <3

2. I liked the introduction of Nova. It felt like a real sister relationship, the annoyance and mild irritation, but there's obviously some love under there :) I also liked that since Nova is older she acts like a know-it-all a little bit and Ayda's like whatever :p

3. The parents don't do as much for me yet. They don't have as much personality and I'm not getting a strong vibe of who they are like I feel for Ayda and Nova. It's early, and parents are hard, so not something to freak out about :) I can't remember if the family conflict started in this chapter in the last draft or not, but I liked the way you did the family conflict here. You did a nice job balancing explaining the world with the problem and I thought Ayda's reactions/response was perfect. I totally get where she's coming from and it felt warranted to me. I know I mentioned this in the last draft as well, but I really like how you're able plant lots of seeds and get lots of layers going right off the bat - the carving, the family drama, and then MADELINE.

4. For being a first chapter, I thought the world description was just enough. Enough that I have a feel for where I am and what this world looks like, but not so much that it distracts from what's happening in the chapter. You don't need me to tell you that first chapters are all about us getting to know the characters and getting into the plot, and I think you're doing that well.

5. I believe this is how the first chapter in the previous draft ended as well. I still really like it and find it super effective. It's clear that this is abnormality in the world and I love the suspense and drama it brings by ending on such a note! It just beeeegs us to keep reading. (So post more soon. K thanks <3)

Soooo not a lot of "criticism" to start things off. Oh well :p Let me know if you have any questions or if you want feedback about something I didn't mention. And tag me please :D




Mea says...


The parents are hard. ;-; This draft is interesting because in some ways the conflict has slowed down - she doesn't have the main fight with her parents until next chapter - and that's normally not what you want to do but I think it gives it so much more room to breathe. (And I'm so glad that feedback has pretty much said this too.)



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Mon Jul 03, 2017 3:45 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Mea! Thanks for tagging me.

So yes...the opening scene did show well how much Ayda was bored with carpentry! The pacing's rather slow and it kind of makes sense to amplify Ayda's boredom. So this could be just my opinion, but this wasn't too much of a hook for me :P Maybe Ayda's boredom rubbed a little off on me(I don't think it's boring, just not much of a grabber)

I really enjoyed reading about the characters here. Ayda isn't snarky or anything, but she has that spark of spunk that I definitely like to see in MCs. It was also interesting to read about her hobby for sculpting( not whittling) wood into lovely carvings. Master Bivale is a well-developed one as well. I can easily understand his frustration with Ayda's progress. It seems as though the people Ayda knows quite well don't exactly approve of her hobby and makes me think that they prefer function over looks.

I can easily tell the differences between Ayda and Nova. In my opinion, Nova is more like the down-to-earth responsible one, which makes sense since she's older and going to inherit her family's business. The tattletale part is really something that happens quite a bit among siblings. Even if Ayda thinks, "Tattletale", I can also imagine her tattling on Nova :p

A comment I'd make is that her parents don't really have the spark as much as the others do. Her father and mother aren't very well-developed at least to me, because the way they talk and act don't leave too much of an impression. They're both worried people, but I do think that people act worried with different nuances.

For worldbuilding, the fairy setting was fun to read about! This is still the beginning and there isn't like SO much of it but I'm sure there are more to come. Description-wise, there's a lot of showing instead of telling and I like that about this worldbuilding. A critique I might make is that some parts of the description like "wooden buildings" could be a little more specific. I'm fond of specific descriptions because they're much more *exact*.

I like the magic system here (and the burning lines across wood was a great one). It isn't all about the wand-waving and spell-casting, rather manipulating, and it was a fascinating experience. I would like to know what exactly is the magic in the world, but right now it isn't needed in the first chapter

One nitpick I have is here:

She could not talk to plants — that would be silly — but as anEarth fairy, her magic lay with all things green and growing.


The mention of Earth fairy feels a little heavy-handed because the fact that Ayda's an Earth fairy is already mentioned more than once. I understand the need for the reader to know what kind of fairy Ayda is, but for this it feels repetitive.

Overall, I liked the introduction to the story and I'm looking forward for the next bit! Tag me when you have more :D




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Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:06 am
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DragonWriter22 wrote a review...



Hey! I've been looking forward to reading this and you did not disappoint!

My favorite aspect of the revision is how much you changed from telling to showing. I didn't notice this so much when I read the first draft, but the way you've done it now has added so much life to the work. The reader can feel and understand Ayda's boredom with the carpentry rather than being told about it. Even seeing the cart in disrepair, a seemingly minor detail, has made the passage much more effective.

The descriptions here also have a lot more life to them. I got a better feel of Nikka. I felt the rhythm and bustle of the city better than before, though the actual visualization didn't come completely naturally. I had to focus to form the image in my mind more than I recall doing in the last draft. I think the main reason behind the difference is that you are describing the city from a different circumstance. In your previous draft the first time I remember truly visualizing the location was when Ayda and Madeline reached the wall and looked out at it. Then I believe you were focusing on it's beauty aspects while this is a a more practical description. I don't know if they'll be a similar scene looking out over the city in this draft, but if there is that's a good opportunity to increase the visualization. The magic description is also very well done here. There's an added connection to it now that I really like whereas previously it seemed mostly to involve manipulation of elements.

Characterization is done fairly well. Ayda's personality comes through strongly. Her sister is less developed in the first chapter than in the previous draft, but that's fine with the new angle you've taken. She has a minor role here whereas previously she did more. We also don't get to see a lot of her parents' personalities, but that's again because of their lack of "screen time". Master Bivale is an interesting addition. He was only mentioned in your previous draft (and I think under a different name? It's been too long since I read it). The only main comment that I have on him is that there's a part where he switches very quickly from severe to mild in manner. This was the part where he considered burning her wood piece. I was very relieved that he ended up being very reasonable when he heard of its importance, but burning the piece still seems a bit harsh. It really depends on how strict you want to make him. Perhaps something less strict such as confiscating it? Though I can see the difficulties with that since she's leaving and doesn't have more work to do really. It's not like he would confiscate it for the entire time she's gone. It's a minor detail, but I felt a bit odd at how quickly his frustration disappeared completely.

It's been a while since I read your last draft, so take that into account while reading my feedback. Overall I really liked what you've done and it's awesome to see how your writing's improved! I'm really impressed and I definitely want to be tagged for the next installments. (:




Mea says...


Yay! I'm glad all the things worked. In some way, this beginning is *slightly* slower paced (it takes 300 extra words to find the girl and doesn't have cover as much ground as in the first draft), but after she finds her it's going to be a *lot* more dramatic and faster paced.




I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
— Pablo Neruda